sarcrb Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 I made a poor decision of sleeping with my boyfriend fast after the first week of dating, which was our third date. I found out a few months ago that he had slept with someone else in the second week of dating. Although we weren't exclusive yet (he didn't ask me to be exclusive until a month after), it hurt because it seemed like he liked me so much and I didn't think he would do that. I kind of understand though since I wasn't even sure about him around that time too and when a girlfriend is dating a guy that won't commit to her, I even tell her it's okay to date around and keep her options open since it's fair game since there's no commitment, but it still hurts. He's been great since we've become exclusive and I've forgiven him for the most part but I'm having a hard time forgetting. Any advice?
oaks Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Any advice? Learn from this and stop advising your girlfriends to do something that you've now discovered has painful consequences, because to continue would make you a hypocrite. Learn from this and next time (imagining that things with this boyfriend might not be forever) don't sleep with someone so soon.
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 I made a poor decision of sleeping with my boyfriend fast after the first week of dating, which was our third date. I found out a few months ago that he had slept with someone else in the second week of dating. Although we weren't exclusive yet (he didn't ask me to be exclusive until a month after), it hurt because it seemed like he liked me so much and I didn't think he would do that. I kind of understand though since I wasn't even sure about him around that time too and when a girlfriend is dating a guy that won't commit to her, I even tell her it's okay to date around and keep her options open since it's fair game since there's no commitment, but it still hurts. He's been great since we've become exclusive and I've forgiven him for the most part but I'm having a hard time forgetting. Any advice? This guy is an Ahole! I've never done that, nor will do that. If I am overtaken by passion on a date... from that point I will consider myself exclusive. He should be on his knees apologizing to you. He basically cheated! Screw the lame excuse that you were not "exclusive"!! Stop being so nice and tell this asshat what's up!
TaurusTerp Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 This guy is an Ahole! I've never done that, nor will do that. If I am overtaken by passion on a date... from that point I will consider myself exclusive. He should be on his knees apologizing to you. He basically cheated! Screw the lame excuse that you were not "exclusive"!! Stop being so nice and tell this asshat what's up! Is this a serious post?
daphne Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Learn from this and stop advising your girlfriends to do something that you've now discovered has painful consequences, because to continue would make you a hypocrite. Learn from this and next time (imagining that things with this boyfriend might not be forever) don't sleep with someone so soon. I agree. Personally, I don't become intimate with a guy unless exclusivity is involved. So the longer it takes him to talk about it, the longer he waits. And if any guy rolls out because you don't sleep with them as soon as they want you to is going to roll out eventually for something stupid regardless. Consider yourself lucky that he doesn't waste your time.
Kaplan Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 I think technically you don't owe anyone fidelity just because you've dated them for a couple weeks. But I think it might be different if you've slept together. I don't know. I try not to sleep with someone until I have some idea where it's going. I think it says something about how he felt about you at two weeks though. Two weeks after I started dating my current girlfriend (we hadn't slept together or talked about being exclusive) I was hanging out with this other girl and she wanted to sleep with me. Anyway, I thought of that girl that I'd only gone out with a few times (gf now) and said to myself, "How would I feel if she was with some other guy right now." So I didn't do it. (Not that I necessarily would have anyway.) Sorry, I guess that doesn't help. But I guess it seems to me that when he slept with you after a week he wasn't thinking of making a relationship with you, but just thought of it as a sex thing. Obviously his perspective changed eventually though, I guess that's what you have to tell yourself.
norajane Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 it hurt because it seemed like he liked me so much and I didn't think he would do that I wasn't even sure about him around that time too He's been great since we've become exclusive and I've forgiven him for the most part but I'm having a hard time forgetting. Any advice? I know it's hard to change your thoughts when you are dwelling on something painful. But you have the power to change your thoughts - it helps to turn them into different thoughts by changing the viewpoint you are holding onto and repeating in your head. I've had some success with changing the script, using the ideas like the ones below. Don't think of yourself as a victim. That will help you to let this go - take a different perspective, not that of a victim. There was nothing to forgive him for - he did not cheat, nor did he deliberately try to hurt you. So what are you forgiving him for? Because he wasn't so into you that he would choose to behave as though you had agreed to be exclusive? Stop thinking of him as the bad guy. He didn't hurt you - you were hurt because of your hopes and assumptions. You will feel less "powerless victim" if you accept responsibility for your emotions. Allow the good guy he is showing you that he is to replace your thoughts of him as the bad guy who hurt you. Also, consider that one day you may inadvertently do something to hurt him. How would you like him to treat you? A demand for endless apologies, forgiveness "for the most part," and constant thoughts of you as the bad guy? Accept that life is imperfect, and one day, you will want someone to treat you kindly when you are imperfect instead of holding it against you or making you feel bad about it...or suffering silently, which is just as bad. Good luck.
Pierre Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 TWO MISTAKES: I hate to sound like a broken record: 1. SEX TOO SOON 2. NEVER DATE A MULTI-DATER I would never waste my time with a female that is actively dating others. The word exclusivity is bull s****. Is a term multidaters use so the can f**** more than one person at a time.
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Learn from this and stop advising your girlfriends to do something that you've now discovered has painful consequences, because to continue would make you a hypocrite. Learn from this and next time (imagining that things with this boyfriend might not be forever) don't sleep with someone so soon. I'm not sure if it is her sleeping with someone so soon that is the problem... She left the door open for multidating and didn't take the time to confirm it. So, she didn't sleep with anyone else but her BF did... well, I take that as an indication of HIS character as much or even MORE than hers. She can take responsibility and decide if she wants to continue seeing someone who is ok sleeping with multiple people simultaneously without talking about it upfront. IMHO, the onus is on him even more since he's the one sharing body fluids with another person. Sure, she made a bad assumption. I've done the same in the past because I 'assumed' that when I slept with someone they weren't sleeping with anyone else either.... because I don't. I avoid all these hassles by just avoiding men who multidate at all. Simple.
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 I know it's hard to change your thoughts when you are dwelling on something painful. But you have the power to change your thoughts - it helps to turn them into different thoughts by changing the viewpoint you are holding onto and repeating in your head. I've had some success with changing the script, using the ideas like the ones below. Don't think of yourself as a victim. That will help you to let this go - take a different perspective, not that of a victim. There was nothing to forgive him for - he did not cheat, nor did he deliberately try to hurt you. So what are you forgiving him for? Because he wasn't so into you that he would choose to behave as though you had agreed to be exclusive? Stop thinking of him as the bad guy. He didn't hurt you - you were hurt because of your hopes and assumptions. You will feel less "powerless victim" if you accept responsibility for your emotions. Allow the good guy he is showing you that he is to replace your thoughts of him as the bad guy who hurt you. Also, consider that one day you may inadvertently do something to hurt him. How would you like him to treat you? A demand for endless apologies, forgiveness "for the most part," and constant thoughts of you as the bad guy? Accept that life is imperfect, and one day, you will want someone to treat you kindly when you are imperfect instead of holding it against you or making you feel bad about it...or suffering silently, which is just as bad. Good luck. ... nothing to forgive him for? Maybe. But the fact remains... the beginnings of this relationship are pretty polluted now.. and he absolutely has something to do with it. He thinks it is ok to f*ck multiple people simultaneously without checking it out. Do you think he would have gotten his piece of *ss if he said 'Hey, I"m thinking about f*cking someone else next week too, so why don't me and you f*ck now so I can compare notes." Kinda doubt it... If it were me, I'd break up with him and tell him that "I'm seeing we have a disconnect in our values. I made the poor assumption that when you said you were really into me, you meant it... I slept with you under the poor assumption that you were not sleeping with others. I'm sorry, but I just can't trust you now... but thank you very much for helping me understand how I feel about this issue. I won't make the same mistake in the future." ... and that is that.
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 This guy is an Ahole! I've never done that, nor will do that. If I am overtaken by passion on a date... from that point I will consider myself exclusive. He should be on his knees apologizing to you. He basically cheated! Screw the lame excuse that you were not "exclusive"!! Stop being so nice and tell this asshat what's up! I hope you ARE serious about this... because that is exactly what I'd say to the guy...
Author sarcrb Posted November 18, 2011 Author Posted November 18, 2011 (edited) I think it says something about how he felt about you at two weeks though. Two weeks after I started dating my current girlfriend (we hadn't slept together or talked about being exclusive) I was hanging out with this other girl and she wanted to sleep with me. Anyway, I thought of that girl that I'd only gone out with a few times (gf now) and said to myself, "How would I feel if she was with some other guy right now." So I didn't do it. (Not that I necessarily would have anyway.) I also actually found out that he had the chance to sleep with a different girl a little before we became exclusive but he refused to. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but my intentions for him in the beginning weren't exactly true. I was seeing him mostly because I was lonely and it was something to do, but I did not have the intention of getting into a relationship with him nor was I even sure I liked him very much. When I slept with him in the beginning, it was just for sex. Actually, I used to find him really annoying and would get drunk to make the date easier to handle LOL. I was really hurt in a past relationship and had a really thick wall up and found myself trying to push him away by saying things that I thought would deter him and even by being a little mean sometimes. It wasn't until almost 3 months after we started dating that I actually started to care about him and the relationship. Do you think this would help explain some of the turbulence in the beginning? Edited November 18, 2011 by sarcrb
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