HappyPanda Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 (edited) My boyfriend and I have been together a little more than a year and a half... We seem to be stuck in some sort of rut for the last few months and we're fighting more than usual. It seems as if some fundamental differences between us are the root of the cause, and that in and of itself, scares me. The problem seems to be, that I am too reactive, and he is too unreactive... The differences lie mainly in our upbringing, and our overall personality: Me: Came from a broken home, dad split when I was 10, my incredibly loving and affectionate mother became my everything, then she died when I was 20. My brother couldnt handle it and moved across the country. It was just me and my step father, who in part due to the grief, has developed a debilitating drinking problem. Him: Came from a household where both his mother and father were not at all affectionate to him and his sister growing up... he's gone so far as to say cold. They were not raised, nor taught, how to be expressive. His mom and dad split later in his adulthood, and his mother has not met anyone else, so now she is incredibly lonely, and has become more and more overbearing on him and his sister. I will knowingly admit that I have some pretty serious issues involving men due to the fact that my father left and never looked back. I also have some serious issues with abandonment, due to the fact that my father left, my mother died, and now I am, in affect, parenting my step father. I know that I also need an over abundance of reassurance in realtionships, because I am in constant fear of my significant other leaving me. My boyfriend is not good at communicating. He's incredibly intelligent and articulate, and we can talk about a cereal box for an hour, but when it comes to expressing himself, it is a huge struggle for him.... This inability to express himself or his feelings, also seems to inhibit him from any form of romanticism, whether verbally, or by action. And there, is our biggest problem. I am a person who, for better or for worse, requires someone to reassure me that everything is ok, and that they love me. He, is a person, for whom that does not come naturally, in fact, is almost impossible for him to do. This, quite understandably, has become a point of contention for us. I know I cant MAKE him do these things that I so desire. I find myself over compensating for the lack of romance on his part, by almost throwing myself on him to keep it alive... planning get aways, going out on dates, making him mix cds, leaving him love notes, sending sexy pictures... all to which I seem to get no reciprocation. Before anyone says that I need to work on myself more... I would like to state that I have tried everything, from anti anxiety medication, to therapy, I was even single for over a year before we started dating trying out the 'love yourself' first approach. But, it seems as if these fears are deeply rooted, and they have staying power. I love him to death, and I know he loves me. I dont plan on breaking up with him, but sometimes these fundamental differences make me question whether or not we have staying power. We're supposed to move in together this coming spring, and its really what motivates me... Im hoping that my anxiety may improve once I get to see him more than 3 or 4 nights a week I suppose this is more of a rant than anything, because obviously there is no magic trick to make us better understand each other, but, for those of you that made it this far, I thank you... and if you have any advice or comments, Id really appreciate them. Im feeling a little desperate Edited November 17, 2011 by HappyPanda
hermie1234 Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 That was my ex and me (sorry to tell you) We broke up after 2 years recently, same thing I was always very thoughtful and he never was, he loved me but it became too much, look to be honest the love yourself thing is good, you need to do it but you also need someone who will be as thoughtful as you are without that being forced, if it doesn't come from him it may never happen and you have to really love him to be able to put it with it. I know exactly where you are, the more you pull him in the more he pulls away? And was he very different in the beginning? Unfortunately you need to become stronger and less needy if you want things to last, its hard and seems impossible but you can do it, and do it as soon as possible before he gets tired of walking on eggshells, because guys who don't show their feelings keep it all in and then it blows up. My ex dumped me then regretted it but at that point I realized I want someone who will send me cupcakes to my office for no reason (I did that) or surprise me with dinner after long day at work (also did that) so I don't feel dumb for always being the one who shows they care. Anyway.... good luck, I hope it works out, be strong.
Author HappyPanda Posted November 18, 2011 Author Posted November 18, 2011 Thanks for sharing your story, Hermie.... Its not that he's not thoughtful.. He is, but just in different ways. Like, one of our "routines" is that he sends me a "good morning" text every. single. morning... without fail. (he's a landscaper and works early in the morning) so every single day I wake up to a text from him saying 'good morning beautiful, hope you have a nice day' or just 'I love you'... Its very cute. Its my favorite thing If I didnt get one, I would think something was wrong. Ive told him how much this means to me, and that it has put a smile on my face right when I wake up, pretty much every single day for a year now... thats no small feat! Or, you know, he will make dinner and stuff... and we do live on the other side of the city, so he will make the 45 minute hike to come see me. I think you're right... No, I know you're right... Its me. I have to become less needy. But, the thing is, is that I dont know how to do that... I feel like Ive exhausted all of my resources. Ive played all the cards I know! Sometimes I think that its some sort of horrible catch 22. I want to be loved so baldy, that the love I do get, doesnt measure up to what I need. Its not all the time, sometimes Im so overwhelmed by how lucky I feel that Ive somehow nabbed this intelligent, hard working, kind, and loyal man, who's so incredibly patient with me, that I feel as though I dont really deserve it. Its the healthiest relationship Ive ever been in. The first of which I see a REAL future with. The first man that I look at and think how wonderful of a father he would be. And I picture us buying a house together, and a dog, and having a mortgage, and 2.5 kids and all that storybook stuff. And all of that scares the hell out of me. Its like something comes over me. A weird, compulsive, self deprecating, self sabotage Has anyone else ever felt this way? Or am I more of a head case than I even think I am?!
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