Kaplan Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Have you ever had someone ask this? Or do you ask it? I don't like this question at all. My girlfriend asked me this question. I rambled off an answer that I thought sounded pretty good and she sort of acted like it wasn't good enough. I wonder if maybe she was disappointed that what I said wasn't more like something from a movie. Anyway, I said that love isn't a choice so there isn't really an answer, and she said that love is a choice, and there should be this list of reasons why you love somebody. Or maybe she's expecting just one reason. I don't know. I mean, I answered her question, and gave a list of things I admire about her. But, basically, I was speculating about why I love her, not providing a rationale, which is what she wanted, I guess. Anyway, I'm really curious what would be considered a correct answer to this question. How have others answered this question, and how would you like the question to be answered if you asked it?
KathyM Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Have you ever had someone ask this? Or do you ask it? I don't like this question at all. My girlfriend asked me this question. I rambled off an answer that I thought sounded pretty good and she sort of acted like it wasn't good enough. I wonder if maybe she was disappointed that what I said wasn't more like something from a movie. Anyway, I said that love isn't a choice so there isn't really an answer, and she said that love is a choice, and there should be this list of reasons why you love somebody. Or maybe she's expecting just one reason. I don't know. I mean, I answered her question, and gave a list of things I admire about her. But, basically, I was speculating about why I love her, not providing a rationale, which is what she wanted, I guess. Anyway, I'm really curious what would be considered a correct answer to this question. How have others answered this question, and how would you like the question to be answered if you asked it? I can't say anyone ever asked me that since my husband was the only man I ever truly loved, and I was his only true love as well, and we've never asked each other that question, but we do tell each other why we love them. Your gf was probably thinking your response should be more romantic, more profound, more emotionally moving. Maybe it would help if you gave it some more thought as to why you really do love her, so you will be better prepared to put your thoughts into words next time. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, and no "correct" answer to this question that I can give you. If I asked my husband the question of why he loves me, I would not have any expectations on what his answer should be. It is what it is. He knows his feelings better than I do. I'd take his response at face value, and just want him to give me his honest feelings, whatever they may be.
xxoo Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Did you ask her why she asked? She may have meant "what do you love about me?" and wants to know what makes her special in your eyes. She may be seeking to better understand you, and what you value in her as a partner.
Author Kaplan Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 I don't know the correct answer to this. But i would want to know why she asked this, because it sounds like a question born of insecurity or guilt. It was basically insecurity, I suppose. Although I'm curious how guilt could make someone ask this question. She was thinking that she wasn't good enough for me, didn't deserve me, or something like that.
SingleinSouth Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 My boyfriend asked me that and I thought about it a few seconds and said, "Whatever I say first is the reason you will think is most important and I'm sure I will leave alot of reasons out without intending to, so I don't think this is a question that can be answered on the spot like this." He said, "Yes, I think you have valid points there." And he didn't keep pressuring me to answer, thank goodness, haha. Sure, there are LOTS of reasons but on the spot like that, I think almost anyone is going to be disappointed in the response. But if my boyfriend had continued to pressure me for an answer, I would have said that I need some time to give this question the response it deserves.
Els Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 I think it's concerning that you feel you need to get a 'correct answer' out or she will hound you for it. I don't know if this is the fault of you or her, but such an approach to open discussion is never good. The emphasis should be on an honest answer, not the 'correct answer'. Then again, it has been my experience that men typically do not enjoy prolonged discussions on the finer points of their feelings.
Author Kaplan Posted November 18, 2011 Author Posted November 18, 2011 She didn't say my answer was wrong, I just got the impression that she wasn't satisfied with it. Not that I would change it. I'm just curious what kind of answer she's looking for. At one point she said, "If my dad walked in here right now and asked, 'why do you love my daughter' what would you say?" Of course we were naked at the time, so I said, "If he walked in right now? . . . I don't think that's what he'd say." I just don't get the concept of there being reasons. She said there's a difference between things you love about a person and the reason why you love that person. That blew me away because the only way I could think of to answer the question was to just go on about some of the things I love the most about her.
danstanton Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 I think it's a cute thing to ask. If anything to reinforce the feelings one has.
Dylemma Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 It's a very difficult question to answer. I actually agree with what you said about love not being a choice and there being no right answer. My boyfriend and I have tried to answer this question and tbh, I have been disappointed in his response. But when my turn came I really couldn't do any better, because although there are many things I love about him, those things aren't why I love him. I fell in love with the whole person, not a list of qualities, so I guess the best answer I could come up with is that I just love him for being him.
sunshinegirl Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 She said there's a difference between things you love about a person and the reason why you love that person. Okay, even for me that's a bit too philosophical! What kind of answer does she want to hear? Perhaps she needs to model it for you by giving you her responses to why she loves you. FWIW, my H and I have a box on our kitchen counter where we put notes about why we love each other (or is that what we love about each other, per your girlfriend's distinction?). My notes to him are things like "you make me laugh when I'm really stressed out" and "you bite your tongue in this cute way when you're thinking hard about something."
oaks Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Have you ever had someone ask this? Or do you ask it? It's a great question, and if you're in love you can talk from the heart.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 What you said about it not being a choice is exactly right. Love is an emotion and it strikes not because we reason ourselves into it but just because. To me that kind of question sounds like a set up for an arguement. i.e. Questioner:Why do you love me. Answerer:Anything less than something cosmically profound. Questioner:What. You must not really truly love me with all the depth of the ocean, I want a divorce!
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