Five years ago my wife had an EA. It still troubles me.

[MikeT4]

About five years ago my youngest daughter had just learned how to text. She was 10 at the time, December 2006. As we were leaving my parents house, waiting in the driveway for my wife to come out of the house, my daughter asked me who is so and so? I looked at her holding my wife's phone, took the phone and saw a message that ended xoxoxoxoxo. I felt a hot flash of adrenalin. I didn't read the message and handed the phone back to my daughter and told her to ask her Mom. The hour ride home was pretty quiet and tension filled.

 

I confronted her about it the next day. I told her I wanted her to break off contact or introduce me to this guy. She said he was just a friend. She said I could read any of her texts or emails that I wanted to, which I declined to do because I felt she needed her privacy and I trusted her. In the subsequent weeks I asked and found out little. I kind of pushed it into the back of my mind. Then in January she became a deacon in our church and started going to counseling. She invited me to go too. I said I didn’t want to, still not knowing what this was about. I really had my head in the sand.

 

Fast-forward about 2 years and I pulled my head out of the sand. I don’t know what caused it, but, I suddenly became aware of a lot of things. I remembered how she used to stay up late. I remembered when I came downstairs to the office she’d suddenly close windows on the PC. She used to wait until I was asleep before she came to bed. She often cooked dinner for her and the kids and ate before I came home from work. She was short with me and not her usual super nice self toward me. It really bothers me now that I somehow didn’t know that these things were connected and meant something.

 

I started asking about that guy again and she said she hadn't been physical. She said they had met for lunch, etc. They apparently sent e-mail, texts, and Yahoo messages. She said they mostly talked about family. He was apparently recently divorced. He was someone from another company that she worked with. I called it an EA and she agreed that that is what it was. She never told me the whole story of their affair, but learned that she stopped seeing him and started seeing a counselor back in January 2007. She continued to see the counselor for 18 months. The time I pulled my head out of the sand was about the same time. I had kept wondered what the EA was about and the counseling was about and ruminating about it occasionally asking but she would always clam up about details, except for one time when she admitted she kissed him, but wouldn’t tell me what kind of kiss.

 

So for three years now I've realized how I neglected things at home back in, 2006 and before, in many ways. One was spending my evenings reading and studying trying to do a yearlong devotional and read the whole bible instead of with the wife and kids. I realized that being with her and our daughters is much more fulfilling than going into my cave (her words). I started helping with the kids and chores more. I like doing it because it makes her happy. Things are much better at home now.

 

Even now, five years after the EA and three years after I found out it was an EA, I wonder about why she did it and exactly what she did it comes up in my mind. I love her very much, and try to do whatever I can to make her happy. She does the same for me, even more so. She seems to be almost the perfect wife. For example she recently arranged a great 50th wedding anniversary party for my parents. But, the EA is constantly in the back of my mind and I obsess on it.

I want my marriage to last like my parents. I am scared that she’ll do it again for some reason that I am not aware of, with worse results. I know that I’d be totally a mess if she ever left me. I’ve read some of the things on this board and they really seem sad and terrifying. She says I have nothing to worry about, that me and this marriage is what she wants and the fact that she dropped the EA guy and went to counseling prove it. I believe she believes that. For her that chapter is closed and she’d just as soon forget it because she is ashamed. But, I want to hedge my bets and do what I can to make sure it doesn’t happen. I’m reading a book that I saw on marriage builders dot com that talks about the love bank and how fill your spouses love bank up and keep them happy. I think I’ve already been trying to do that in my own way. So my question is, what is the best way, book, technique or strategy to keep your wife, whom you love?

 

Thanks.

[seibert253]

Ummm, if she kissed him then it was also a PA.

 

One thing you should know, and many here will second this; when they say they "kissed", there's usually ALOT more to the story.

 

Judging by the length of time she spent in counseling, you may want to revisit this to make sure you have the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Edited November 18, 2011 by seibert253

[w0nderwoman]

Don't listen to what other said above.

 

Yes, chances are that your wife still have an affair with that EA or even a new EA

 

But Your relationship can still be saved.

 

Your problem is the lack of communication between you and your partner.

 

You need to communicate to your wife that you love her and are willing to save this relationship.

 

Break up create a lot of trouble especially when you have kid so Don't Even Consider Breaking Up As An Option.

Edited November 18, 2011 by w0nderwoman

[w0nderwoman]

The first step you must take to repair this broken relationship is to recognize that there is a problem.

 

Don't overlook this because it will cause serious damage later in your life.

So many people are oblivious to the broken relationships around them.

 

If you don't address the problem, it won't go away. It will only get worse.

 

It is easy when the problem is still fresh. Don't let it grow further.

 

I am not an expert on this field so you need to consider getting expert opinion.

 

The cheapest and fastest way to get one is to get a relationship ebook.

 

But beware of all the scammers out there pretending to be an expert.

 

I always go to this site when I need I need relationship repair program review

 

Here is the website: relationship repair program review

 

The website is run by a woman name Elizabeth Kent.

 

She always provide honest, impartial review on relationship program.

 

I would recommend you to get 2nd Chance guide by Mirabelle Summers and Amy Waterman because it filled with good information that helped me recover my broken relationship.

 

Here is Elizabeth's review on the product: 2nd Chance Review

[MikeT4]

Forget the 'repairing this relationship'. No female giving advice gets it. You could end up with the best communication, understanding etc. in the history of male/female relationshiops and you will NEVER get over it. You don't need 40 more years of this cancer eating you.

 

I know it's going to be a part of my memory forever. I can deal with that. Also, I'm sure she's not having any EA or PA now. She says she loves me, that I have nothing to worry about and we have good interactions including sex. What I'm asking for is what is the best way to head off future problems. I've found various websites and books. I'd like to know what people think is the best.

[anne1707]

When working through the more intense periods of recovery from my affair, my H and I both found "His needs, her needs" (Willard Harley) a useful book in getting us talking about what we both needed from each other and out of our relationship.

 

I suggest you also search out posts by Owl. His wife had an EA and they have successfully reconciled.

[MikeT4]

When working through the more intense periods of recovery from my affair, my H and I both found "His needs, her needs" (Willard Harley) a useful book in getting us talking about what we both needed from each other and out of our relationship.

 

I suggest you also search out posts by Owl. His wife had an EA and they have successfully reconciled.

 

Thanks for your answer. We have one of Willard Harley's Books. It's called "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" and we are reading through it together. I've also looked up your and Owls posts. They are helpful too.

[MikeT4]

In both of those cases, communication is the key.

 

I think you are going in the right direction just by thinking 'what i can do to make my marriage more A-proof'. One of the main things being told in self-help is that if you imagine it, want it, desire it, crave it ... it will happen.

 

I agree with you. Our problems in part stemmed from communications. She says she tried to tell me she felt lonely. I don't recall her saying anything of the kind. Looking back, I see how she probably was, based on how I was toward her. Whatever she said went in one ear and out the other.

 

PS: And i might be negative but i still am not 100% convinced that she said everything.

 

It doesn't really matter if she did and I'm not worried about it, despite what some others on here think. That phase of our relationship is over. I'm working on the next.