bbronco Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Hi there everyone - I wanted to provide an update on the saga of trying to get my ex back. The background on my story can be viewed here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299953/ In short, I broke up with him, totally regretted my decision, seen him twice in the past 4 months since the breakup (1st dinner I just cried and he didn't open up)...and the 2nd dinner was last week as follows: I pretty much invite him over to my place (avoid the whole crying in public mess) and had made all his favorites. He talks about work forever, then I segway into the "feelings" talk aka me crying. I apologized for everything I possibly could, acknowledged all my faults, told him I want him in my life, and pretty much I love you, I'm sorry, come back. He's crying at this point. Then I point out how insensitive he's been with ignoring my texts, he tells me there's so much hurt in them that it's hard for him to respond so he avoids it. He's sorry for not comforting me, for not reaching out and letting me know that he misses me and thinks about me all the time. I finally ask him if he wants to get back together or not and he says he does, but not because he should be feeling guilty for how I'm feeling. That he wants to do more dinners and...ya, that's it. I get a text an hour later thanking me, telling me "chin up" and that he'll talk to me soon. That was a week ago - not a word since. Soooo...I feel emotionallly ****ed again, I was hoping he'd either say "hey, I'm sorry, it's just not gonna happen for us again" but not "hey, I want to get back together but <insert cryptic message here>". I'm not doing all this to flatter him, he knows how I feel and the effect his lack of actions has on me...so why tell me what I want to hear then bail without making any kind of effort to reconcile. I don't know if I should just give him space and stay in this ****ty waiting position or put some pressure on him with the risk of pushing him away or just getting ignored. I pretty much have given it my all at this point Any advice/insight would be appreciated!
ChelseaLS Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Hi there everyone - I wanted to provide an update on the saga of trying to get my ex back. The background on my story can be viewed here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299953/ In short, I broke up with him, totally regretted my decision, seen him twice in the past 4 months since the breakup (1st dinner I just cried and he didn't open up)...and the 2nd dinner was last week as follows: I pretty much invite him over to my place (avoid the whole crying in public mess) and had made all his favorites. He talks about work forever, then I segway into the "feelings" talk aka me crying. I apologized for everything I possibly could, acknowledged all my faults, told him I want him in my life, and pretty much I love you, I'm sorry, come back. He's crying at this point. Then I point out how insensitive he's been with ignoring my texts, he tells me there's so much hurt in them that it's hard for him to respond so he avoids it. He's sorry for not comforting me, for not reaching out and letting me know that he misses me and thinks about me all the time. I finally ask him if he wants to get back together or not and he says he does, but not because he should be feeling guilty for how I'm feeling. That he wants to do more dinners and...ya, that's it. I get a text an hour later thanking me, telling me "chin up" and that he'll talk to me soon. That was a week ago - not a word since. Soooo...I feel emotionallly ****ed again, I was hoping he'd either say "hey, I'm sorry, it's just not gonna happen for us again" but not "hey, I want to get back together but <insert cryptic message here>". I'm not doing all this to flatter him, he knows how I feel and the effect his lack of actions has on me...so why tell me what I want to hear then bail without making any kind of effort to reconcile. I don't know if I should just give him space and stay in this ****ty waiting position or put some pressure on him with the risk of pushing him away or just getting ignored. I pretty much have given it my all at this point Any advice/insight would be appreciated! Now I understand that you are trying to show him that you it was a mistake and that yes you want to try again. I get that you are frustrated with his lack of reciprocation, because of all the effort you have put into this. But perhaps he is worried you will knee jerk and do it again. Perhaps he doesn't feel he can trust that you wont due to the first time. In all fairness he does have the right to feel and to be hesitant. You're in an awkward spot... limbo. If I were you, I wouldn't pressure him, because I feel that, that would push him away. You have told him your feelings and he did except your dinner invitation. Slow and steady. The ball is in his court. He said you would talk soon... let him come to you. I know this ****ty awkward limbo feeling and it sucks. But you can't force it.. because a) you will either push him away or b) he will come back but because he was pressured and it will just end again. I wish you the best of luck.
Author bbronco Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 Thanks for the feedback Chelsea! I'll try not to reach out...I'm worried if I did, it would sound bitter anyways. It's true, he did come to dinner and he did say that his presence should mean something. But everything he says just fuels my hope flame. I'll be on some pseudo cloud nine that gets me through the day after dinner, but then I hit the week point and now I'm back to thinking he doesn't care or why have I subjected myself to the position of waiting on him to throw me a bone. I guess I'll just be patient and see if I hear from him at least by Thanksgiving weekend :/
geegirl Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 (edited) Hi there everyone - I wanted to provide an update on the saga of trying to get my ex back. The background on my story can be viewed here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t299953/ In short, I broke up with him, totally regretted my decision, seen him twice in the past 4 months since the breakup (1st dinner I just cried and he didn't open up)...and the 2nd dinner was last week as follows: I pretty much invite him over to my place (avoid the whole crying in public mess) and had made all his favorites. He talks about work forever, then I segway into the "feelings" talk aka me crying. I apologized for everything I possibly could, acknowledged all my faults, told him I want him in my life, and pretty much I love you, I'm sorry, come back. He's crying at this point. Then I point out how insensitive he's been with ignoring my texts, he tells me there's so much hurt in them that it's hard for him to respond so he avoids it. He's sorry for not comforting me, for not reaching out and letting me know that he misses me and thinks about me all the time. I finally ask him if he wants to get back together or not and he says he does, but not because he should be feeling guilty for how I'm feeling. That he wants to do more dinners and...ya, that's it. I get a text an hour later thanking me, telling me "chin up" and that he'll talk to me soon. That was a week ago - not a word since. Soooo...I feel emotionallly ****ed again, I was hoping he'd either say "hey, I'm sorry, it's just not gonna happen for us again" but not "hey, I want to get back together but <insert cryptic message here>". I'm not doing all this to flatter him, he knows how I feel and the effect his lack of actions has on me...so why tell me what I want to hear then bail without making any kind of effort to reconcile. I don't know if I should just give him space and stay in this ****ty waiting position or put some pressure on him with the risk of pushing him away or just getting ignored. I pretty much have given it my all at this point Any advice/insight would be appreciated! It's a little insensitive and selfish for you to tell him that he is insensitive for ignoring your texts. Put yourself in his shoes. When someone dumps you, the last thing you want to do is get caught up in analyzing and overthinking when the dumper reconnects because you're afarid of getting hurt or let down again. You see it here all the time. The confusion that dumpees struggle with when the dumper decides to reach out. I am sure he feels enormous pressure about making the right decision in trying again. I am sure he feels the fear of getting rejected again. Give him all the space and time he needs. You let him go, now allow him what he needs to come back. If he does come back, it's because he wants to and is secure enough to do so, if not, you will pressure him, increase his fears and anxiety and most likely push him away. Give him time, reassure him when he reaches out and let him find his way at his own pace. You can't force it just because you've now realized the loss. Trust is broken. It is going to take a lot of time and assurance until he can start to believe, that is if he wants the R back. Edited November 17, 2011 by geegirl
Author bbronco Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 geegirl, I understand what you're saying. I've gotten to the point of frustration with him because honestly, I wanted him back the next day of the breakup. We had an argument prior to the breakup and didn't talk for a week. I think by the time we regrouped I was still mad and made a decision not in the best mindset. It would have technically been a break up for 1 night! So I understand my position clearly. I know I have to go above and beyond to reassure him and coax him and let him know I'm genuine and sincere in my feelings. If I hurt him at all, then I've let him know I'm hurting 1000x more. It hasn't been a hazy communication from me that he needs to decipher...it's been crystal clear what my intentions and hopes are for us. But when it's just me, dumper or not, trying for 4 months and he won't cut me loose and keeps pulling me back and keeping my emotions raw, it starts taking it's toll. I think that's why I call him out now. He remains confident in how strong my feelings are and I stay broken because he avoids reciprocating yet won't entirely push me away.
ChelseaLS Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 geegirl, I understand what you're saying. I've gotten to the point of frustration with him because honestly, I wanted him back the next day of the breakup. We had an argument prior to the breakup and didn't talk for a week. I think by the time we regrouped I was still mad and made a decision not in the best mindset. It would have technically been a break up for 1 night! So I understand my position clearly. I know I have to go above and beyond to reassure him and coax him and let him know I'm genuine and sincere in my feelings. If I hurt him at all, then I've let him know I'm hurting 1000x more. It hasn't been a hazy communication from me that he needs to decipher...it's been crystal clear what my intentions and hopes are for us. But when it's just me, dumper or not, trying for 4 months and he won't cut me loose and keeps pulling me back and keeping my emotions raw, it starts taking it's toll. I think that's why I call him out now. He remains confident in how strong my feelings are and I stay broken because he avoids reciprocating yet won't entirely push me away. Perhaps pull away and see what happens. Stop the texting and the offers of dinner etc. See what happens. At this point what do you have to loose if he hasn't reciprocated.
geegirl Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 I'm sorry bronco. I must have missed those details as in it was a day old breakup and he's been dragging you for 4 months. I'm sure you broke up based on a reaction to your emotions at the time and if you asked for him back the next day, I would have understood his resistance for a bit, but not for 4 months. I think you need to pull back. No more begging, offering, etc. You've done your part and now it is up to him to either accept you or walk away. I wonder if he likes the control he has over you. A subtle way of punishing you for what you did. Or maybe he's not sure about how he feels for you and maybe realizes a break up was what he needed but just can't tell you. Or maybe he's really fearful of getting rejected again. In any case, he has to make a decision. And you need to step away and let him come to you. At this point, he needs to prove himself just as much. geegirl, I understand what you're saying. I've gotten to the point of frustration with him because honestly, I wanted him back the next day of the breakup. We had an argument prior to the breakup and didn't talk for a week. I think by the time we regrouped I was still mad and made a decision not in the best mindset. It would have technically been a break up for 1 night! So I understand my position clearly. I know I have to go above and beyond to reassure him and coax him and let him know I'm genuine and sincere in my feelings. If I hurt him at all, then I've let him know I'm hurting 1000x more. It hasn't been a hazy communication from me that he needs to decipher...it's been crystal clear what my intentions and hopes are for us. But when it's just me, dumper or not, trying for 4 months and he won't cut me loose and keeps pulling me back and keeping my emotions raw, it starts taking it's toll. I think that's why I call him out now. He remains confident in how strong my feelings are and I stay broken because he avoids reciprocating yet won't entirely push me away.
cblunt09 Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 I honestly and truely understand the emotional stress and all the frustration you are going through. I've been there several times in my past and its absolutely nothing fun about it. It sounds like he does not know what he want and being that he does not open up to you its leaving you in the dark, Its very clear that he still has feeling for you because he still would like to continue to have dinner with you and wants to see you. The best thing you can do if you want him back is to take it slow with him don't pressure him because it may scare him away. Give him space just enjoy every moment with him make more good times and when the time is right ease your way into the conversation about how you feel for him would like to know if he feel the same. But either way i feel as if no one should have to sit around and watch your life go by and miss out on great opportunities. It almost appears that he just wants to be friends and nothing more or that he wants t give it another shot but just dnt know how to go about it even though he knows you want to. Just give him some time to figure out what he wants. If he really wants you back the feeling of know that he may not get an opportunity to get back with you im sure he will take it in a heartbeat. You have to live for you and do whats best for you even if it involves letting him go. Keep your head up and have faith everything will work out you just don't know it yet.
Author bbronco Posted November 18, 2011 Author Posted November 18, 2011 Hey everyone, so the latest update is that I found out last night that the weekend before our dinner he had hit up his ex before me and she'd spent the night :/ I'd heard he'd reached out to her right after we broke up and I let that semi pass because he was hurt, etc. But this recent time...where he can then cry on my couch 4 days later and say how much he cares!? Is he being an absolute douche or is this supposed to be pardoned because he's confused on what he wants? I'd asked him about her at our 1st dinner and he just said she means nothing to him and I shouldn't worry about her. But why then hit her up to cuddle when you know I'm trying so hard to be with you again...and you supposedly want the same P.S. He doesn't know I know and as much as I want to call him out on it to cause a sense of panic up on him...I know it'll either push him away and make him defensive. He technically is single...but this is totally unfair when he hasn't cut me off and kept my emotions so fresh.
ChelseaLS Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Hey everyone, so the latest update is that I found out last night that the weekend before our dinner he had hit up his ex before me and she'd spent the night :/ I'd heard he'd reached out to her right after we broke up and I let that semi pass because he was hurt, etc. But this recent time...where he can then cry on my couch 4 days later and say how much he cares!? Is he being an absolute douche or is this supposed to be pardoned because he's confused on what he wants? I'd asked him about her at our 1st dinner and he just said she means nothing to him and I shouldn't worry about her. But why then hit her up to cuddle when you know I'm trying so hard to be with you again...and you supposedly want the same P.S. He doesn't know I know and as much as I want to call him out on it to cause a sense of panic up on him...I know it'll either push him away and make him defensive. He technically is single...but this is totally unfair when he hasn't cut me off and kept my emotions so fresh. Well that sucks and hurts. However I wouldn't say anything to him, because in all honesty, it's none of your business.. you guys are not in a relationship currently. Let it go, pull away. Let him think you are moving on. As to why he would do it, I couldn't tell you. That has thrown me for a loop. Perhaps he is confused... torn between you both? I have no idea. I am sorry for the pain.
geegirl Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Granted you're not in a relationship with him but the lying is a redflag. He may have been looking for someone to comfort him, an escape from the break up, and was afraid to tell the truth in case it pushed you away. But if I were you I would step back and let him come to you. If HE can't gauge his feelings, you won't be able to do it for him. He needs to figure out what he wants and you need to step out of the picture to give him an opportunity to do that. He cannot find value in you and the R or realize the loss of you and what he had with you if you're right there enabling his indecisiveness.
Author bbronco Posted November 18, 2011 Author Posted November 18, 2011 Thanks ladies...I'll def. avoid opening that can of worms. My emotions are all out of whack now between feeling like an idiot, then angry, then feeling like I'm not good enough. Such a strange secret to keep to myself now. I'm glad I know and it should send me a wake up signal to move on...but somehow I feel like kicking myself again for still wanting him. For now he still has yet to reach out, so I'll keep quiet.
ChelseaLS Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Thanks ladies...I'll def. avoid opening that can of worms. My emotions are all out of whack now between feeling like an idiot, then angry, then feeling like I'm not good enough. Such a strange secret to keep to myself now. I'm glad I know and it should send me a wake up signal to move on...but somehow I feel like kicking myself again for still wanting him. For now he still has yet to reach out, so I'll keep quiet. I personally am ready to get off the roller coaster ride of emotions, so I understand that part. Don't beat yourself up for loving him. People who have left abusive relationships and cheaters, still want them back and they are confused as to why... it's how we are built. Stay strong.
geegirl Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Thanks ladies...I'll def. avoid opening that can of worms. My emotions are all out of whack now between feeling like an idiot, then angry, then feeling like I'm not good enough. Such a strange secret to keep to myself now. I'm glad I know and it should send me a wake up signal to move on...but somehow I feel like kicking myself again for still wanting him. For now he still has yet to reach out, so I'll keep quiet. It's normal to feel this way. You love him and these waves of emotions are natural. Just step back and let him come to you. Turn this around. Let him start feeling you pull away.
cblunt09 Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 I agree with Gee and Chelseals I am a guy and ive been through this all to many times. I know it hurt like crazy to find that out and im sorry that you did. But there are boundaries that you must not cross when your not in a relationship with that person. Now if he loves you and i mean truly loves you and wants you back then give him some space. If you make it hard to get in contact with you he will feel that you have moved on with you life and it will drive him crazy if he cant reach you. No one wants to feel second to their loved one give it time and he will come to you. It seems like you are trying to hard one thing you don't want to do is make him feel like he has the upper hand because this leaves you open for him to play with your emotions at will. Let him make the move sit back and just go on with your life don't let it revolve around him. If he wants you back he will come to you. Just stay strong I know it hard ive been there but it will all work out. God Bless:)
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