Separation, reconciliation and the year that follows.

[scaredandalone1223]

This week I've been thinking a lot about where my marriage stood last year and where it stands now. As we approach the date of my husband moving back in after our month long separation (Nov. 22) I think about how much I have to be thankful for.

 

It was my decision to separate. I told my husband I wanted a divorce. There was no other man, neither of us had ever been unfaithful, but I just didn't think I was 'happy'. It didn't take me long to realize that wasn't the case. A little over a week into the separation I knew I had made a mistake and wanted my husband to come home. He didn't come home right away, probably the best thing he did. Over the years we had been to marriage counseling and he had worked on many issues. I, however, had not always done my part. In the month he was gone I was able to spend some quality time with myself and what I found didn't make me too happy.

 

I will say most of the things were things my husband had talked with me about before. Or things I had half heartedly acknowledged, vowed to change and never made an attempt to. It was only when I was alone to face myself in the mirror that I truly realized what needed to be changed and what I NEEDED to do to change them.

 

I was very fortunate my husband gave me another chance. It would have been very easy for him not to have and I would have had no one to blame but myself. I'm also very lucky in that my husband has very strong morals and values our relationship so strongly. During our separation he made a new "friend". He was speaking with her and texting her daily. Of course he proclaimed they were only friends but as a female I was very well aware of the slippery slope he was on. Luckily she lived out of state and they only met once. He moved back home while she was in town for a week for Thanksgiving and as soon as he was home immediately cut contact but that whole situation was another reminder of how close I came to losing him. I'm extremely fortunate that he valued our marriage as much as he did, even though it was on its last let and remained faithful when he had every reason in the world not to at that moment.

 

ONE YEAR LATER: I can say we are happier than we have ever been. We are closer and stronger than we have ever been. Since we married young, neither of us were truly ready for marriage when we began this journey. You were two very different people, with very different personalities. Yet over the years of ups and downs, good and bad we build a bond. We build a very strong bond and up until last year I don't think either of us realized how strong that bond was. We always said we were 'best friends' but I don't think either of us really knew how true those words were until we didn't have each other by our sides. We often times got so caught up on the little things, the differences, the day to day bs that we lost sight of the big picture.

 

Today things are different. We both matured more during that month than the whole other almost 13 years of our marriage. We both stopped to truly appreciate what it meant to have a life partner. We both looked within ourselves and found without the other there was something truly missing. I'm not sure exactly how to describe things now. But the fantasy in my head of what marriage should be, what happily ever after should be that fantasy I was chasing that I felt I didn't have. That fantasy that I needed to leave my husband to chase and find with someone else. Well that fantasy became a reality and the reality is my happily ever after is with my husband.

 

Our marriage isn't the same. It's like we kept the foundation, we kept the bond we'd built and the memories we shared but we bulldozed everything else and started over. We burned all the underbrush to grow the forest. The things that over the years kept coming up and up and up over stupid stuff or childish stuff we got rid of those things. They are no longer here.

 

The weeks and months after he moved home weren't easy but they were 100% worth it. We spent hours upon hours talking and working through every issue so that we could pack that issue up and ship it off. Now we argue very little and when we do we do it much differently and resolve it really quickly. We spend time doing the things that count. Spending time together as a family.

 

So as our one year mark approaches and as Thanksgiving nears I can say without a doubt I know what I have and I AM THANKFUL. I am thankful we gave our marriage a second chance. I'm thankful we have a 'new' marriage and that it is the kind of marriage that is the only thing either my husband or I ever wanted. I'm thankful we didn't throw away 13 years of marriage to go in search of something we had all along. I'm thankful he is my best friend and that we talk for hours every day.

[Afishwithabike]

What a wonderful post.

 

I remember your previous threads. Thanks for the update. It sounds like you've both had a lot of personal growth this past year.

 

Marriage is full of ups and downs and sometimes the down times can be extreme. We haven't separated, but there have been times I've wanted to. I'm sure he has felt the same way too.

 

We've gone through some tremendous changes too this past year. My husband was commenting on it recently.

 

Personal growth is hard. It's hard to dig deep and share truths you haven't shared before. One area where we've really improved this year is our communication. Our communication wasn't ever bad. I think people who know us would say we always had good communication, but it's much better now. We've also eliminated some secret score keeping. It's been months since one of us resorted to that tactic. You know what I mean by mental score keeping, right? He says something I've done and I don't want to hear it so I go through my mental files of things he's done to see if there's anything I can offer up to counter what he said. I've found when we resort to these tactics, we don't resolve anything. Now we have an agreement on how to talk, how to disagree, how to resolve disagreements.

 

One thing my husband said this year to me after a particular disagreement was that I shouldn't let a few bad incidents in a low period of our marriage define our entire relationship. We have nearly 20 years together and over a decade of marriage. We need to look at the bond, the totality of our years together, the history and memories we've built together. We have a strong enduring bond and short of the ultimate betrayal or abuse, I wouldn't walk away from this marriage.

 

This Thanksgiving, I'm also very thankful for my husband and my marriage.

Edited November 17, 2011 by Afishwithabike