arbrne_vet Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Thought i would never be back here again. I went NC end of September. background. Proposed last year october. worst 9 months of my life. nothing but control,manipulation, and way to much heartache for one person to handle. i held on, put up with her crap, waiting for the person i feel in love with to come back. Two weeks after i go NC, i find she is already seeing someone else. contacted her about 2 weeks ago, via e-mail said i wanted my engagement ring back. one of her responses was, must have been on facebook, what did you find out? i have since deleted my facebook account. no, never looked at her crap. sent her a certified, notarized letter, telling her if i did not have it in 15 days, i was taking her to court. she immediately called when she got my letter, she immedialy called, and left a message. very demanding "call me!" i never did. then got a text "love of your life???" which is what i always told her. i never responded. this morning.. i get a text, asking me for a video of an event that happened in may, that i said i would get a copy for. i have no f****** idea what she wants. is she trying to contact me. does she want to talk and is using this as an excuse to contact me. is she trying to divert me from taking her to court. i have no idea. i am not afraid to admit, i have cried more than i care to think about this past couple months, i have woke up in the middle of the night, feeling so lonley, more times than i care to think about. god knows i would love to spend the rest of my life with this woman.... but sure as hell not the way it has been the past year. i don't know what to do. i don't know weather to answer her with "got my ring" or just stay nc, and file court papers next week when her 15 days are up. i really want to hear a woman's point of view. i did soooo much for her, and got NOTHING in return.
geegirl Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 (edited) Thought i would never be back here again. I went NC end of September. background. Proposed last year october. worst 9 months of my life. nothing but control,manipulation, and way to much heartache for one person to handle. i held on, put up with her crap, waiting for the person i feel in love with to come back. Two weeks after i go NC, i find she is already seeing someone else. contacted her about 2 weeks ago, via e-mail said i wanted my engagement ring back. one of her responses was, must have been on facebook, what did you find out? i have since deleted my facebook account. no, never looked at her crap. sent her a certified, notarized letter, telling her if i did not have it in 15 days, i was taking her to court. she immediately called when she got my letter, she immedialy called, and left a message. very demanding "call me!" i never did. then got a text "love of your life???" which is what i always told her. i never responded. this morning.. i get a text, asking me for a video of an event that happened in may, that i said i would get a copy for. i have no f****** idea what she wants. is she trying to contact me. does she want to talk and is using this as an excuse to contact me. is she trying to divert me from taking her to court. i have no idea. i am not afraid to admit, i have cried more than i care to think about this past couple months, i have woke up in the middle of the night, feeling so lonley, more times than i care to think about. god knows i would love to spend the rest of my life with this woman.... but sure as hell not the way it has been the past year. i don't know what to do. i don't know weather to answer her with "got my ring" or just stay nc, and file court papers next week when her 15 days are up. i really want to hear a woman's point of view. i did soooo much for her, and got NOTHING in return. It's manipulation. When she said "love of your life???", what she was trying to say was, "how dare you take me to court and ask for the ring back?" She's gaslighting when she said "love of your life???" It's a way to make you doubt yourself and make you feel bad for the choice you made to take her to court. In turn, she hopes that you will back down and change your mind. If she was a person with integrity and compassion, she would just return the ring and let you be since she chose to end it and move on with someone else. Since you have not called her back to discuss the ring, she is resorting to other tactics to make you break contact. You contact about the video, it opens the door to discuss the ring and talk you out of it. Who in their right mind, knowing that they're about to get sued, makes contact about some video? She's using every door she can to get to you. You mentioned that you had the worst 9 months. Control and manipulation. I don't believe anything has changed. I would email her that you have nothing to say to her until you receive the ring, and if you don't, papers will be filed. When you have received the ring, the video will be mailed and that you would like to cease all contact. Or you can ignore her and file. Cut and dry or ignore and file. "Got the ring" is an invitation for back and forth and the possibility of her talking you out of what you need to do. Edited November 17, 2011 by geegirl
Author arbrne_vet Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 Thanks Gee, i could give you a big hug!! i was told shortly after i found out she was seeing someone else, that they thought she was a narcicist. i knew something was wrong. she changed, and she changed in an instant. the more i put up with, the more she did. so..... after being told this, i started searching and omg, it had her written all over it, and gaslighting was one of the things i learned she did. then i did a search for "survivors of narcissistic relationships" it was as if i saw my life on the internet. everything that one goes through, including thinking you were loosing your mind and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. so...... this is who she really is. Cognitive dissonance, the mindfu** of who she was, and who she now is. when i received that text this morning, i thought maybe this might be her way of reaching out to me. but, i need to be real. if she really wanted to reach out to me, it would have been "i miss you" or something similar to that. i never mentioned anything about narcissism in my original post, and there it was, gaslighting, one of the things they do. so, here is my big hug to you {{{{{}}}}}}!! thanks! would like to be a fly on the wall when she gets served court papers for my ring!
Rorschach64 Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Good luck Airborne with your ring but yes Gee said it completely right. I hope things get better for you man At least here on LS people can sympathize with you because most of us are/have been where you are right now. Keep up NC.
geegirl Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 (edited) You are welcome and thanks for the hug, rather crappy today so much needed! My ex was a diagnosed narcissist. And I know about the "change". As they say, the mask falls. Only after we broke up did I find out and after doing a lot of reading and also talking to my therapist, the signs were all right there. It's difficult to grasp these behaviors when you're unaware because you expect normalcy. When people are of a different mindset, it's hard to warp your head around things. That's why it's much more difficult to detach from a toxic relationship rather than a normal one because you end up with so many unanswered questions, doubts and what's worse your sense of self and self esteem is certain to have taken a severe beating. You're right, if she really wanted to reach out to you, a person with empathy and compassion and one who is remorseful of causing another person hurt, would not reach out this way. There is a hidden agenda and one that is not in your best interest. My ex used to gaslight. I didn't even know what it was then until we broke up and until I started therapy. That is when the lightbulb went off and all the times I was so doubtful of myself, I realized it was because he knew how to twist it around to make me feel confused about my own feelings and thoughts. I would make a decision, and before you know it I would contradict myself and go his way. When my therapist asked me how I felt after I left the R, I said, "It feels like someone threw me in the dryer, set me on tumble dry for a year and I've just stepped out not knowing which way is up or down." You lose your sense of logic and your sense of belief. When she gets those papers, trust that she is going to be contacting you even more. She has to be in control. And she won't like that you are taking it away from her. They never do. Stay strong Vet! Edited November 17, 2011 by geegirl
Author arbrne_vet Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 You are welcome and thanks for the hug, rather crappy today so much needed! My ex was a diagnosed narcissist. And I know about the "change". As they say, the mask falls. Only after we broke up did I find out and after doing a lot of reading and also talking to my therapist, the signs were all right there. It's difficult to grasp these behaviors when you're unaware because you expect normalcy. When people are of a different mindset, it's hard to warp your head around things. That's why it's much more difficult to detach from a toxic relationship rather than a normal one because you end up with so many unanswered questions, doubts and what's worse your sense of self and self esteem is certain to have taken a severe beating. You're right, if she really wanted to reach out to you, a person with empathy and compassion and one who is remorseful of causing another person hurt, would not reach out this way. There is a hidden agenda and one that is not in your best interest. My ex used to gaslight. I didn't even know what it was then until we broke up and until I started therapy. That is when the lightbulb went off and all the times I was so doubtful of myself, I realized it was because he knew how to twist it around to make me feel confused about my own feelings and thoughts. I would make a decision, and before you know it I would contradict myself and go his way. When my therapist asked me how I felt after I left the R, I said, "It feels like someone threw me in the dryer, set me on tumble dry for a year and I've just stepped out not knowing which way is up or down." You lose your sense of logic and your sense of belief. When she gets those papers, trust that she is going to be contacting you even more. She has to be in control. And she won't like that you are taking it away from her. They never do. Stay strong Vet! Thanks Geegirl. it's comforting to know someone has been in my shoes so to speak, and knows what i am going through. on the flip side, i too know what you have been, and are going through, and i feel bad for you. i hope finding someone who is going through this helps you a little more also. it is a very difficult thing to wrap your head around. where is this person??? everyone kept asking my, why are you putting up with this. my response, i am waiting for the old "her" to come back. little did i know, she was an illusion, and i was looking at the real her. so now, i go back, and try to "reprogram" my brain as to what the relationship really was. she is a master manipulator. good at all of it. projection, gaslighting. i am sure like yours, it was soo great in the beginning. so unbelievable awesome. i used to tell her that this is the way relationships are to be. told her how great she was in my arms, the girl of my dreams, etc, etc, etc. she has done nothing but used all this against me, all the while being the "victim" unreal, mindblowing, what a mindfu**!! so, now you know someone that understands exaclty what you are going through. hope this helps you as much as it does me.
geegirl Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 I said the same thing, only to him, "I am waiting for that guy I met to come back." His reply was, "What guy? Uh, uh, he never existed. Forget about that guy." I was standing there speechless, in tears wondering what the heck he was talking about. It's a mask. When that mask falls, that ugly side of them that they were hiding away from you, emerges. I felt he was the most amazing man. It was the best relationship and one that was going to last a lifetime. It wasn't a relationship. As you say, it was a mind****. Clearly. You're doing the right thing. Stay strong. Get that ring and remove her completely from your life.
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