more Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 "I love you and I care about you so much. But I don't think we're compatible." That's what she said before she broke up with me. (The first time) I know for a fact that my actions and not appreciating her enough led to this. She drunk called me about five days later and said she misses me and how she doesn't want me to be with anyone else. I waited her to sober up the next morning and asked her if she really wanted to be with me. She said yes. We started dating again for about six days. I tried to hang out with her over the Veteran's Day weekend, but she said she should spend her time with her family. She wasn't texting like she did before and she seemed uninterested. When we came back to school from the break, I knew something was wrong and asked her the same question: "Do you really want to be with me?" She said, "I'm really confused and I tried really hard, but I don't think it'll work out." I'm leaving to serve in the military sometime next year. I won't be back for at least 21 months and she knew this because I told her when we got into a relationship. Did she break up with me because I was leaving? I knew I made mistakes, but I didn't do anything that bothered her when we got back together.
Rorschach64 Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Let me be honest with you speaking from military experience....just cut her loose now and forget her. If she is being flakey now, no way is she going to last 21 months away from you. It takes a special someone to deal with it and there aren't a whole lot of them. NC and drive on.
Author more Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 Well we've been dating for 1.6 years... I guess it's harder since she said she would wait for me. But I also understand it would be very hard for her to wait that long... It'll probably end up being a little over 2 years. Should I try getting her back when I come back? Will that be too late?
Rorschach64 Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 I've seen/heard of marriages/relationships crashing and burning 'cause of military stuff all the time, despite the length of said relationship. Very common in basic combat training. She knows you want her, you've tried your best, and that's all you can do now except for move on and go NC. Plus 21 months of military training is long enough that you probably won't know what's what anymore. Though speaking in terms of without the training in the quation, you cannot make her come back, she has to want to come back on her own and chasing her is only going to push her away. Plus think about it like this....do you want to be with someone that is CONFUSED about being with you? Someone that has no stable love in your relationship and has to try hard to love you?
Author more Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 Yeah... I guess you're right. I kind of saw this coming, but it's harder because we got back together only to break up in less than a week. I also have a couple of other issues that I have to deal with right now. It's draining the life out of me. It'll be day 4 of NC today. I deleted her from FB and changed her contact on my phone. Many of her friends(girls), who I am friends with, are helping me move on by giving me advices and such... It's okay to take advice from them right?
Berlington Bob Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 (edited) Yeah, take it from another vet... Basic is tough enough without a gf... the Drill Sergeants will actually convince you that your gf is cheating on you right now (with some dude named Jody...) and it will go through your head over and over and over cause you cant do s**t about it... Go watch Jarhead (I'm sure you already have if you're enlisting) if you want to know what I mean. Plus if she's being this indecisive now I guarentee she will be cheating on you in basic... or at least you are going to think she is. I saw a few guys try to off themselves because of stuff like that... it's just extra stress you don't need there. And yeah its ok to take advice from her friends.. even better if you can hook up with one (half joking there)... But just keep in mind anything you tell them she will hear about. Even if they swear up and down they wont tell. So if you REALLY want NC in its truest form dont talk to them about her. Edited November 17, 2011 by Berlington Bob
Author more Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 This would be so much easier if she wasn't in my dreams every night.
Rorschach64 Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Another honesty honest moment here, if you had the feelings that things weren't going to work out then they weren't. Clearly you had no real feelings of trust or solidarity in the relationship, how can I say this? I can because I just went through something similar. I had a feeling when my ex-fiancee just got in to college and I was set to deploy soon, this feeling gave me a twitch that it wouldn't work out between us during this time. I dunno why I felt this but it ended up coming true but it was because my ex found someone else and decided to convict me as a cheater when I didn't. Better off man, way better off. As for the friends thing, don't tell them jack nothing and don't take their advice without a grain of salt. Read LS if you need insight or if you are troubled post here. As for the dreams, I am 5.5 months NC and from the break up and I just had a night full of angry dreams about my ex but it isn't as much as it use to be. It will get better.
Author more Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 Thanks. You guys are both right. I'm going to get my **** together and focus on what's important.
Author more Posted November 18, 2011 Author Posted November 18, 2011 Well as much as I really am trying to focus on school, it's really hard. Only time when I don't think about her as much is when I'm at the gym. I don't mean to sound so weak here, but she left me when I needed her the most... I'm having many problems that are bothering me.
Berlington Bob Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Well as much as I really am trying to focus on school, it's really hard. Only time when I don't think about her as much is when I'm at the gym. School is really tough for me too right now. I was in stats class yesterday and was using her calculator that she gave me because I didn't have one. Made me think about her... I got past it by focusing on the lecture... and it worked REALLY well because I knew that if I stopped focusing on the lecture that I would get the panicky feeling back. I don't mean to sound so weak here, but she left me when I needed her the most... I'm having many problems that are bothering me. They always do... just another reason why yours and mine are worthless and not worthy of our love.
Rorschach64 Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Yup like Bob said they always do. Mine did right before deployment was going to occur, dealing with my father's death still, and a lot of at home issues. Just shows how dependable they are and how we dodged a bullet, smile about it, it really is a blessing in a disguise
Author more Posted November 18, 2011 Author Posted November 18, 2011 So she will be attending a party that I was planning on going to. I know I'm not ready to see her, so I've decided that I'm not going anymore. The thing that I forgot to mention is... She's the nicest person I've ever met. So is her family. She told me that breaking up with me was the hardest thing she ever had to do. Her mom texted me to tell me that also. We're both 19 and in college. I'm trying very hard to forgive and understand. Being in a relationship for 1.6 years and asking to wait for a time period that is longer than the time that we've been dating seems a bit much to me. I leave in 4 months. All I wanted was someone to come back to and feel welcome by someone special. In many ways, I think I was being selfish. If anything good came out of this relationship, I've become more mature.
Author more Posted November 18, 2011 Author Posted November 18, 2011 Fair enough. Maybe she did and didn't have the hearts to tell me.
Rorschach64 Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Doesn't matter how you spin this because in the end she left you, especially when you needed her the most, and that's it. I am not preaching "get over it already", I'm just saying it is time to NC her and move on the best possible way you can man. I wish I could tell you with 100% confidence that you come back together but in a lot of our cases it doesn't happen. Though I can tell you with 100% confidence you will have a happy ending no matter what yes that includes if a drill sergeant is yellin' at your ass or lecturing about...I dunno how someone forgot their patrol cap in Iraq and 5 weeks later they choked to death on chow.
Author more Posted November 18, 2011 Author Posted November 18, 2011 Yeah, I guess there's no use in trying to figure out what she was thinking. And you're also right. I'll have 100% chance of being happy, no matter what. I just need to make sure I focus on school... I'm afraid she might get into another relationship while I'm still here. I wouldn't know how to cope with that.
Rorschach64 Posted November 19, 2011 Posted November 19, 2011 I feel that no one can ever prepare to deal with the news of an ex having a new relationship, since it is a huge blow to the ego. I suggest that you just avoid 100% contact with her and if you have any mutual friends tell them politely that you do not wish to discuss her or anything about her.
Author more Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 I saw my ex other day walking and she stopped me to ask if I wanted to talk. She pretty much said things that I expected. Like "Do you hate me?" I told her I don't hate her and wish her the best. She then asked me if I wanted to be friends with her. She said she misses talking to me and wonders what I have been up to. I said yes. Now I know this might be a bad idea, but at this point, as much as I care about her, I don't want her back. I might get hurt if she starts seeing someone else, but I expect it to happen. She said she probably won't date for a while... We'll see how that goes. It seems like we're going back to the friend-phase we had awhile ago. She's going home early for Thanksgiving and asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with her on Monday before she left. She mentioned that she's still confused so I told her I wouldn't put any pressure on her and let her think for awhile. I don't talk to her unless she talks to me first. And I keep it short.
Rorschach64 Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Well not going to say this is always the case but a lot of the time exs want to be friends for two reasons. First reason is that it is to ease guilt because they figure hey I'm not such a horrible person since I am willing to be friends. Second reason is that they want to have their cake and eat it too. In any scenario though wanting to be friends just shouts ' I'm okay with the emotional gutting I just did.' while we all you aren't okay with that noise. In any case, it is an extremely bad idea to be her friend because it goes against what your desires/wants and says I'm okay with being second best. I know this based on doing things based on principle but f it, I'm not selling myself short and neither should you.
nu464 Posted November 23, 2011 Posted November 23, 2011 She probably put it behind her, and would continue however you both were before the " issue " or whatever . If she's smiling, then take it as a sign of forgiveness, prolly . And if she was nice before, then she probably is a nice person who doesn't hold grudges. Just try your luck . good luck !
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