How long do I wait for her?

November 16, 2011

So I posted last week about this girl I've been seeing/talking to for 3 months

Long story super short, met, hit it off, extreme chemistry, she liked me, i liked her, cool whatever...got to see each other a lot and then she freaked out. Said she needed clarity, time, step back, etc. Last week I called her games and she claimed to not be doing that.

I asked to see her again this weekend and she said no. She wants to wait until she comes to town for thanksgiving. At this point it will be a month since we last saw each other and a month since she asked for clarity. How much longer do I wait for her to come around?? I feel myself just losing interest by the day..

Thanks

November 17, 2011

So I posted last week about this girl I've been seeing/talking to for 3 months

Long story super short, met, hit it off, extreme chemistry, she liked me, i liked her, cool whatever...got to see each other a lot and then she freaked out. Said she needed clarity, time, step back, etc. Last week I called her games and she claimed to not be doing that.

I asked to see her again this weekend and she said no. She wants to wait until she comes to town for thanksgiving. At this point it will be a month since we last saw each other and a month since she asked for clarity. How much longer do I wait for her to come around?? I feel myself just losing interest by the day..

Thanks

What is the reason she wants clarity/wants to step back etc? how long has she been single before you started chatting /going out?

Iv got something very similar to this going on as well at the moment, normally if a women done this to me i would just walk but in my case we have an amazing chemistry/connection same intrests etc so im split about what to do, what is making you hang around for this girl?

November 17, 2011

What is the reason she wants clarity/wants to step back etc? how long has she been single before you started chatting /going out?

Iv got something very similar to this going on as well at the moment, normally if a women done this to me i would just walk but in my case we have an amazing chemistry/connection same intrests etc so im split about what to do, what is making you hang around for this girl?

I've been in a similar situation. My advice:

If she knows you're interested and says she "needs space" "not ready for a relationship" etc, give it to her. Do not try to persuade her. I know, I've tried, doesn't work. Don't e-mail, text, call etc. Give her space. Let her see her life without you. If you push, you'll just drive her away. Also, she knows you're interested and has told you to "wait" (essentially); so, don't keep pursuing. Put it on her to open that discussion up again. If you keep trying you'll look desperate.

In the meantime, if she's stated she isn't ready, don't put your life on hold for her. Go out, meet other girls. Don't worry about her (you might mentally, but don't show it towards her). The reason I say this is b/c a lot of times you are setting yourself up for failure. I know you want to hold onto some hope. But just assume it isn't going to go anywhere. There's a story with a girl who uses those kind of lines. Sometimes these lines are if she doesn't like you, but if she's given you a few dates and hasn't outright cut you off it's probably something else. Insecurity, another guy, who knows. But do not put your life on hold for a girl like that.

November 17, 2011

Definitely what TheFinalWord said. I'm in a very similar situation as you. Girl and I been seeing each other for a month, great chemistry, starts to blur the line between "just dating" and "official" and she suddenly does a 180, stating she still has issues with her ex.

I push it a little and only succeed in making things worse.

So I give her space, go out with other girls, stop texting her, and she eventually calls me up and asks if I want to get together. If there really was chemistry between you to, she'll come back when she's ready.

I know from too many experiences that when a girl wants to take a break, pushing at it only makes her lose respect for you.

November 17, 2011

I've been in a similar situation. My advice:

If she knows you're interested and says she "needs space" "not ready for a relationship" etc, give it to her. Do not try to persuade her. I know, I've tried, doesn't work. Don't e-mail, text, call etc. Give her space. Let her see her life without you. If you push, you'll just drive her away. Also, she knows you're interested and has told you to "wait" (essentially); so, don't keep pursuing. Put it on her to open that discussion up again. If you keep trying you'll look desperate.

In the meantime, if she's stated she isn't ready, don't put your life on hold for her. Go out, meet other girls. Don't worry about her (you might mentally, but don't show it towards her). The reason I say this is b/c a lot of times you are setting yourself up for failure. I know you want to hold onto some hope. But just assume it isn't going to go anywhere. There's a story with a girl who uses those kind of lines. Sometimes these lines are if she doesn't like you, but if she's given you a few dates and hasn't outright cut you off it's probably something else. Insecurity, another guy, who knows. But do not put your life on hold for a girl like that.

Some really good advice, in my case yea i am thinking about her (too much) but i have backed right off at the moment and havent put my life on hold for her as like you say it might never happen again.

I would like your thoughts on my situation if you have two mins spare (sorry op ) as you give good advice, have a look at the thread called : think something will happen in the future but what do i say now!! and tell me me what you think.

November 17, 2011

Definitely what TheFinalWord said. I'm in a very similar situation as you. Girl and I been seeing each other for a month, great chemistry, starts to blur the line between "just dating" and "official" and she suddenly does a 180, stating she still has issues with her ex.

I push it a little and only succeed in making things worse.

So I give her space, go out with other girls, stop texting her, and she eventually calls me up and asks if I want to get together. If there really was chemistry between you to, she'll come back when she's ready.

I know from too many experiences that when a girl wants to take a break, pushing at it only makes her lose respect for you.

That sounds identical to my situation at the moment,

Your right the more you do the worst you can make things, even thou its bloody hard: sometimes less is more... you just cant see it when your in it..

November 17, 2011

Good info guys. Thanks for your input.

Wildtrac, the reason she says she needed clarity is because she says we were going too fast. It was all thrown onto my shoulders even though she did plenty of the 'moving'. She felt as though we skipped the 'getting to know each other' stage. Last monday after our talk I felt really helpless so I wrote her a letter and drove it to her house, about 1.5 hrs from here. Left it on her door with flowers and a candle. I pretty much just told her that I'm sorry and said I would take things slow and that we can start over from scratch. I left it saying, when you want to talk, I'm here.

She called that evening saying how it made her week and made her feel so special. We've talked quite a bit since then, granted much less than we had been in the prime of things. She went on vaca for the weekend and texted me first all three days, so I took that as a good signal. I'm really just trying to start back at the beginning with the light hearted comments, not even asking questions about anything. Just saying hi, asking how her day, etc. If she wants to talk, then it's on her.

As far as why I'm hanging out and waiting for her is because we both had a lot of fun together and we both really liked each other. Not to say I can't find someone else to like, it's just when u find someone u click with and enjoy, why give up.

FinalWord-

Thank you for the advice. What would you say then, since she continues to text and ask to speak on the phone? Granted it isn't all the time and it isn't the 'i like you's and i miss you's' but it's still keeping in touch. Am I doing the correct thing in staying in touch, just trying not to be too crazy about her? I'm definitely in a limbo stage. The biggest thing I try to think about is this-- that we didn't know each other 4 months ago. She lived without me and I lived without her. So not talking or going slow again, isn't going to hurt anything. It's all a mindset.

November 17, 2011

And for what it's worth, since she knows how I feel, when we see each other during thanksgiving, I am going to talk to her about things. A month of clarity out of a 3 month relationship is in my opinion much too long but I'm trying to be patient. I know women don't always work with a plan in mind but at the same time, she should have an idea. I figure I will ask some questions next week and find out if moving forward slowly is what she wants or if I need to move on. See if I can say everything the way I need to

November 17, 2011

FinalWord-

Thank you for the advice. What would you say then, since she continues to text and ask to speak on the phone? Granted it isn't all the time and it isn't the 'i like you's and i miss you's' but it's still keeping in touch. Am I doing the correct thing in staying in touch, just trying not to be too crazy about her? I'm definitely in a limbo stage. The biggest thing I try to think about is this-- that we didn't know each other 4 months ago. She lived without me and I lived without her. So not talking or going slow again, isn't going to hurt anything. It's all a mindset.

No problem! That's a tricky one bro. I would say don't put in more than you receive. If she texts you, text her back...but don't be too available. Keep it balanced. For example, if she texts, text her back. If she goes hours or days without responding, you also wait hours and days. This will help you match-up with her comfort level.

Just try not to text and be too gushy or clingy or follow it up with phone calls and letters. Just keep it light. Make it 50/50. There's a lot I don't know about women, but I do know you can't force a relationship and you can't change her mind through logic-based persuasion.

Seeing a bit of your story, it sounds like she has probably moved to fast with a guy in the past and has been burned. She's trying not to repeat history. That's actually a good thing for you if you want a relationship with her. But then again, who knows she could also be using you for a rebound or something else. Too tough to tell bro. You know her better than I do. But either way, my advice is to not hang your hopes on it. Having this mindset will allow you to approach this whole scenario more rationally.

Another good reason is b/c this girl is not emotionally stable right now. She's insecure with her emotions. You'll actually have a better chance giving her the space and letting her get her act together. If you are with her in an unstable state it will be drama for you and a lot of stress. You want her in a healthy state of mind, not one in which she is bogged down in emotional baggage.

"She called that evening saying how it made her week and made her feel so special. We've talked quite a bit since then, granted much less than we had been in the prime of things. She went on vaca for the weekend and texted me first all three days, so I took that as a good signal. I'm really just trying to start back at the beginning with the light hearted comments, not even asking questions about anything. Just saying hi, asking how her day, etc. If she wants to talk, then it's on her. "

I think this is an solid approach. Just keep it balanced. The other thing I would add is to not hang your hopes on her for now. Do stuff to keep your mind off of her.

"And for what it's worth, since she knows how I feel, when we see each other during thanksgiving, I am going to talk to her about things. A month of clarity out of a 3 month relationship is in my opinion much too long but I'm trying to be patient. I know women don't always work with a plan in mind but at the same time, she should have an idea. I figure I will ask some questions next week and find out if moving forward slowly is what she wants or if I need to move on. See if I can say everything the way I need to"

Yeah this is up to you. Just know if you're trying to get her to give you a plan, that's boxing her in. Very rarely will logical persuasion work with a girl; she has to "feel" it. If she isn't ready and you go with this approach you may drive her further away. But if you're done with it and just want an answer so you can move on with your life than go for it.

November 17, 2011

Thanks man! Yea that's exactly what happened. Her last big relationship ended 1.5 yrs ago and it was a whirlwind. She also doesn't like labels(gf bf) which I haven't pushed for once. I'm right there with you on the 50/50 thing as far as texting and phone calls go. Emotionally it's much harder since she seemingly sucked me in lol and now I'm trying to recover. I guess you could say we are both a little emotionally unstable.

I do know her biggest hang up is that I've been married before. That is something of course that I can't change and I've told her previously that if she doesn't like it then it's something she needs to think about.

And your last advice about giving a plan..that's a tough one isn't it because women don't usually work with plans(at least when it comes to some things). Hell half of our lives we plan out and it doesn't go that way, especially when it comes to emotions. I'm going back and forth on whether or not to say anything else. I know I run the risk of coming off too strong and that in this case would be bad. I'm just trying to get out of this wishy washy stage. I guess I'm to the point where I'm emotionally invested enough to be hurt and I don't want to move forward with anymore investment for fear of getting hurt worse. She can't seem to provide any detail of where things are headed which concern me. I know she is certainly scared as well.

A lot of this is just building the trust factor back up. Maybe something will happen soon.

November 17, 2011

"Thanks man! Yea that's exactly what happened. Her last big relationship ended 1.5 yrs ago and it was a whirlwind. She also doesn't like labels(gf bf) which I haven't pushed for once. I'm right there with you on the 50/50 thing as far as texting and phone calls go. Emotionally it's much harder since she seemingly sucked me in lol and now I'm trying to recover. I guess you could say we are both a little emotionally unstable. "

Yeah, I've been there man. I invested in a girl and really cared about her. I did a lot to try to show her I'm a good man and can be trusted, but if she has a wall up nothing you do will crack it. An emotionally vulnerable girl is impenetrable. I my experience, I could not crack this girl's wall and I tried for MONTHS to persuade her. This is after her telling me I am super attractive to her. Learn from me and do not make the mistakes I did lol that is unless you are just sick of it and simply want an answer. If that's the case I can tell you that by trying to force her to give you trust that she does not feel you have earned you will most certainly cause her to either toughen her defenses or at best maintain them.

All you can do is take it SLOW. Let her decide the pace. Kind of like an intricate dance, but you're letting her lead at this point. She knows you have feelings. She does too or she wouldn't be wanting you in her life. If there is a chance with her, you're better to take it at her pace and not try to encapsulate her and force her to make a choice. If you do that her choice is likely to put her guard up and cut you off. Right now it sounds like she is vulnerable and her natural defense is going to be to prevent pain. You will have to let her decide the pace for now. I know you're a guy and you want to take charge lol but for now you'll have to have patience. Hard, hun?

"I do know her biggest hang up is that I've been married before. That is something of course that I can't change and I've told her previously that if she doesn't like it then it's something she needs to think about. "

Yes, nothing you can do about that. Everyone makes mistakes and if she is going to hold it against you there is little you can do. I wouldn't keep pushing it though. Just tell her you understand. The thing is she has trust issues as a whole right now. I would just stay relaxed and go with the flow.

"And your last advice about giving a plan..that's a tough one isn't it because women don't usually work with plans(at least when it comes to some things)."

With some things they do, with emotions no haha especially if they're vulnerable...which it sounds like she is. Just know it is nothing you did wrong. It is emotional baggage and only time can make a difference.

"I'm going back and forth on whether or not to say anything else."

I wouldn't. Just focus on having fun with her. Don't put any pressure on her. Just have fun. When she wants more, you'll know. Girls are emotional and if they have emotions for you and she knows she can trust you she'll open up to you.

"I guess I'm to the point where I'm emotionally invested enough to be hurt and I don't want to move forward with anymore investment for fear of getting hurt worse. She can't seem to provide any detail of where things are headed which concern me. I know she is certainly scared as well. "

Then I recommend that you do not focus on it...what you are trying to do on a subconscious level is force her to be in a relationship with you. I can tell you again, I know little about women, but I do know you cannot force a relationship with her. It has to be natural. So if you want this girl you will have to accept this. Good luck bro whatever you decide!

November 17, 2011

Three Mississippis and two hippopotamuses. No more. No less.

November 17, 2011

Go and find another girl, in case this one doesn't work out ... and it probably won't.
She needs clarity ... give her clarity (btw ... it means she didn't get over an ex or she has another guy waiting and she doesn't know which one to pick).

This is good advice, Keep it a lot more casual with this girl your intrested in, if you jump every time she calls/txt/wants to see you all will happen is she will keep you on the end of a long piece of rope and in a month/two months time she will want space again and you will be back to square one, make her work to see you again, make it clear you are intrested in a subtle way but arent going to put up with this nonsense over and over again, if your not carefull she will screw up your head..

November 17, 2011

She texted me today, "are you frustrated with me?"

I just sit here and laugh

November 17, 2011

So I posted last week about this girl I've been seeing/talking to for 3 months

Long story super short, met, hit it off, extreme chemistry, she liked me, i liked her, cool whatever...got to see each other a lot and then she freaked out. Said she needed clarity, time, step back, etc. Last week I called her games and she claimed to not be doing that.

I asked to see her again this weekend and she said no. She wants to wait until she comes to town for thanksgiving. At this point it will be a month since we last saw each other and a month since she asked for clarity. How much longer do I wait for her to come around?? I feel myself just losing interest by the day..

Thanks

She's not really giving you a whole lot to work with. She said she didn't want to rush into a relationship and now she declined seeing you the past few times you invited her out and she's pushing it off until Thanksgiving, but is still calling/texting. That is a *****y spot to put someone in, tell her that having a relationship with a phone isn't really your bag and you prefer having one with a live person.

November 17, 2011

What do I do now? We talked for an hour about things. She admitted she had no idea what she wanted and asked me to tell her what to do. Is this what she really wants?

November 17, 2011

I need to remember this line.

You can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't know what she wants.
In this case though, i believe she meant 'tell me what i need to tell you to keep waiting'.

Either way, don't bother.

Bang on the nail, lay your cards on the table and tell her you like her but you cant tell her what to do and she needs to go away for a few days/weeks/months and work out what she is looking for/wants and then let let you know..

THEN WHAT YOU DO IS : get on with your life, dont hang around for her, chat up/date other women and have some fun, what will be will be with this women but no one needs the crap she is giving you.. (sorry for being so blunt) iv got a similar situ going on with someone that i have great chemistry with as well but im not going towait around for her to decide what she wants, if im free when she knows great but if not then its her loss.. and thats the same for you!!

November 17, 2011

lol Thanks guys, you are great.

November 17, 2011

lol Thanks guys, you are great.

The problem is the answers to your questions you can only get from one person and thats her.. and for whatever reason/reasons she wont/cant give them to you..

Yea i know it sucks when you meet someone you really like/get on with etc( iv got the same problem right now) but you cant let someone muck you around like she is.. she either 1: isnt into you as much as she says or 2 more likely, really likes you but the timing is wrong for whatever reason hence why you need to be straight with her and say what you think ( in a subtle way) then get on with your life, like i say we have all been/am there like you are and it sucks but some people (normally women it has too be said) make life and relships a whole lot more complicated than they need to be!!!

November 17, 2011

What do I do now? We talked for an hour about things. She admitted she had no idea what she wanted and asked me to tell her what to do. Is this what she really wants?

Well it goes back to what I said before. She isn't giving you a whole lot to work with, she's in uncertainty mode. Who knows what is holding her back. It could be fear/mistrust, she's not sure you're the right person for her, she's still not over her last relationship, or the worst possible scenario - she's dating someone else.

Whatever the case may be, she's stopped responding to having any desire to spend time with you/see you. You've asked her out initially and she was responsive to that, but now, she's not. You've more then invited/offered and now she's a'flop AND has confirmed she isn't currently open to a relationship/is unsure that is what she wants yet, or if ever. Sometimes people need a mental "push" but you've pushed and she's still in la la land so sometimes the only thing left to do at that point is to drop out. If you're cool with waiting until Thanksgiving, then wait until then. You can't really do much more.

November 17, 2011

I need to remember this line.

It's good, yes? Kind of like how Steve Martin puts it (chatty chatty gah gah):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0XAazx3eOTA

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