Lucky_One Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 You need to hone your man-acceptor skills. Why in the world did you even meet him for coffee if he cancelled twice within 20 minutes? He waved a big red flag at you and you said, "Aw that's a pretty shade of pink". And then he waved another flag at you by telling you that he wants to see you naked in his bed pronto and that you had best eat your own dinner beforehand, and you are finally asking "Gosh is this pretty pink flag maybe a little redder than I thought?" Bottom line, so_gutted, if it bothers you in the slightest, then accept that it bothers you FOR A REASON. You really, truly don't have to get internet agreement that you don't want or need to have sex with this man. It doesn't matter if Elswyth, Emilia, Taramere or I agree with your behavior so far; you need to learn to stand up and say "No, I don't want to have sex with you in this sort of circumstance" because you FEEL it, not because we tell you to say it. You know it bothers you. Accept it, say it, and then walk away from him.
KathyM Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Don't even respond to his calls. This guy is a user, and is only interested in sex. He doesn't care about you at all, doesn't care about your feelings, and treats you with such disrespect. He's made that perfectly clear from his behavior. Cancelled on you twice before the first date. Insists you put out on the second date. Gosh, don't even bother responding to this guy. What a jerk.
Author so gutted Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 You know reading this post, I think I agree with you. He shouldn't have wasted his money on the coffee. Well thats a bit harsh. I came on here for advice (ok - knowing the "answer"). My point is, with less men around and on average 1.5 dates every 2 months I am trying to be less rigid with criterea. I have said I am not comfortable with this speedtrack process and he is now saying come over to watch a film. He is also saying that why waste time dating if you are going to have sex anyway as we are older now. Noone has answered this - what are other women doing. All those smug office workers (my boyfriend this that and the other) - are they not accepting these kinds of ararngements and then telling us that its their "boyfriend"? OR Is there actually romance out there? Unemployment/divorces equates to no romance and straight into bed right? I think this is it....if it isnt I am doing something very wrong....
Author so gutted Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 Don't even respond to his calls. This guy is a user, and is only interested in sex. He doesn't care about you at all, doesn't care about your feelings, and treats you with such disrespect. He's made that perfectly clear from his behavior. Cancelled on you twice before the first date. Insists you put out on the second date. Gosh, don't even bother responding to this guy. What a jerk. This is true - why on earth did I agree to his third date....cancelling even once is a no go...or should be...i need to find my self respect.
Author so gutted Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 If you want to have sex with him, go ahead and have sex with him. If you don't, tell him that you don't. It's up to you to be honest and not lead him along. He has declared his expectations, he wants to have sex with you. You don't want to have sex with him unless he buys you coffee and...a doughnut, maybe? Is that what it is? He wouldn't buy you a doughnut to go with the coffee; therefore, you don't want to have sex with him? Or is it something else that you want him to buy you first? If you insist he buy you a doughnut first, then you have to be willing to give him a doughnut's worth of sex in return. If you insist he wine and dine you first, then you should be willing to give him "wine and dine" sex in return. Or, why not just ask him to give you cash for the amount the dinner would have cost? Not doughnuts no, but maybe a bit of romance, getting to know each other, you the usual stuff....I think it is a bit cheeky to ask for sex after a coffee (that pained him to pay for) - he is cheap not me.
Author so gutted Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 So, you would prefer instead of paying for what he can afford on a date (coffee) to take the money for his kid's food and then wine and dine you for sex ? Would this make him feel to you like more like the type for a relationship ? Well - maybe if he is broke he should not date?
oaks Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 He is also saying that why waste time dating if you are going to have sex anyway as we are older now. And how does that make you feel? Do you agree with it? Do you agree with the underlying assumption that you're going to have sex anyway? Didn't you say "hang on mister, who says we're going to have sex anyway? I don't know if I like you yet." and if not, why not?
whichwayisup Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Date 1: coffee. It hurts him to pay for a coffee. This is the kind of person who walked in the freezing cold to avoid paying for a train fare and he admitted this. (he also cancelled twice before, within 20 mins of meeting). Date 2: yet to take place, but he wants it at his place and wants to get physical. Sex is important he says, but he will not force me. So he does not want to pay for dinner, hot drinks or wine or dine me but wants to straight to bed and i have to leave at 8a.m before the rest of the household wakes up. I feel a little cheap. I feel like this is not what i want. Can a relationship develop from this? he is divorced with 2 kids and wants to fast track to bed. He lives in a city where there are many more women then men, he knows this. His wage has to stretch to his 2 kids, himself and me?? Ummm,dump this guy asap and don't look back. He's cheap and he's a complete idiot. Enough said. End it and run away!
whichwayisup Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 I am trying to be less rigid with criterea. Let this guy slide on by, don't lower your standards and don't sell yourself short! Being with someone just because you want a relationship or companionship, doesn't mean you lower your standards or be less rigid with criteria. If a guy truly likes you, he will stick around and won't pressure you for sex.
The Way I Am Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 (edited) It doesn't matter how much this guy spent or didn't. Why would you even consider going on a second date that's basically "come to my house for sex and make sure you're gone by 8am". Wow. Romantic. Even if he took you out for a $200 dinner on your first date, that wouldn't be acceptable behavior. This isn't about being cheap. A man can do something inexpensive and show a (down-to-earth) woman a nice time. Romance doesn't have to cost money. "Come bang me but make sure you get lost by 8am" is not the way to do it. That's completely disrespectful. Don't waste time on a guy like that. Edited November 18, 2011 by The Way I Am
forms Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 This appears to me how other women are in "relationships" - and i am not. They are accepting this and formalizing it in their minds as a relationship as this is all that is on offer during a recession. The old fashioned wining and dining days are over. I think you are so desperate to have a 'boyfriend' and be in a relationship like all the other office workers that you are justifying the unjustifiable. If all the other women in the office jumped off a cliff, would you? Oh, because of the economy, you have to accept crappy treatment? This has nothing to do with anyone but you and him. And the truth is he doesn't value you. And also the truth is you won't be happy with him. Sure a relationship can develop, but will it be a happy relationship? And while you are wasting time with him, you aren't available for something better. I knew a woman in rural NC once. I visited her and my family and hers had a picnic outside. When I helped bring the dishes and food into the kitchen, I caught her husband twisting her arm behind her back hissing insults at her for saying something wrong during the picnic. He dropped her arm as soon as he saw me and disappeared. She was embarassed and told me he was not so bad, and besides there were NO men in the county that didn't beat up their women and at least this one had a good job. You know how this ends don't you? She stayed with him for ten years, and he beat the crap out of her regularly and she looked old and haggard and toothless long before her time. And then he left her for someone he adored and never beat. And she had NOTHING. Don't accept the unacceptable. Don't pretend this is just the new way because of the 'man shortage' or the economy. Don't debase yourself for a shoddy relationship. You will hate yourself and lose out on something better. It's better to be alone than to be disvalued.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 So gutted has a history, I've learned from reading her posts, of getting into bad sexual situations at the very early stages of getting to know a man. Right, so gutted? So don't do it now. Why are you even thinking about it? Take care of yourself.
Author so gutted Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 So gutted has a history, I've learned from reading her posts, of getting into bad sexual situations at the very early stages of getting to know a man. Right, so gutted? So don't do it now. Why are you even thinking about it? Take care of yourself. In this case, I have resisted the pattern and got a load of abuse (not swearing but guarded comments) from him. He has asked again to see me (obviously this involves in his bedroom, hidden. I told him nicely that I do not like getting into intimate situations so early, he said at our age we should and that he has had many more relationships then me. He also said its no wonder that I am alone. I still think that this is all there is. Men behave like this, men want sexx, i think most couples get together like this. My objection is probaly more towards his lack of effort and scrooge like ways then asking for sexx.
ThsAmericanLife Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 He sounds manipulative and mean. No way would I allow a man like him in my home, much less in my vagina. ... and as far as relationships go... I'll take a quality relationship over quantity any day. There are worse things than being 'alone' and that is being with someone who feels the need to shred your self-esteem to get what they want. Ditch this loser. He sounds like trouble.
Mittens Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 With an attitude like that, I think it's no wonder he's alone. Personally, I don't like cheapness in a partner. Yeah, he's got a family, finances are probably tight, but whining that he had to pay for a coffee on a date? Cheap. I see that as a separate issue from the trying to get sex from you on the second date. He is within his rights to be clear about it, but you are equally within your rights to refuse his offer. But he doesn't have the right to be rude about your refusal. Let him go find someone else who would be happy with such an arrangement. I don't think it is how most couples get together when they are looking for a relationship...casual sex, yes, but if you are looking for more don't settle for second best. Good luck.
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