Perpetualbug Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 Brand new here. Married for almost 9 years - together a little over 11 years. Have a 10 year old daughter. Had issues at the beginning of our relationship with porn and actually made it to the airport to leave him when I decided to try and work it out. Fast forward about 6 years. Haven't had any problems - relationship has been great. Very loving, full of laughter, lots of sex - but for some reason I got "that feeling" last night to check his phone and I found a message from an Amy wondering where he was. I decided to try and plug her phone number into the a web search and found out that she was an "escort". Now I discovered this about 11pm last night - stayed up all night searching for anymore evidence. When my husband got up at 5:30 I confronted him and after initialing denying it all - he admitted that he's been having sex with these escorts for a couple of years. In fact - he says he doesn't even know how many he's slept with. I feel sick to my stomach and from our past - know the long and difficult road that's ahead and frankly - I'm not up for it. He has hidden this so well for YEARS with so many women that even though he's bawling and sounds very remorseful and says he has an addiction, I don't even want to begin to deal with it. There's no way I will ever be able to trust him again. There's no way I can even imagine him TOUCHING me after he's touched all those women. The hard part about leaving is my daughter. I don't know how to handle this with her at all. Has anyone been in a similar situation and if so - any advice on how to proceed? Thanks in advance.
Breezy Trousers Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 I am going to try to send you a private message. I've had some problems PM'ing, so feel free to reach me if my message doesn't get through.
Breezy Trousers Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 (edited) ... and I see that I cannot send you a PM. I took a long break from this forum, and it appears my PM privileges are shot as a result. So here it goes: Your husband probably does have an addiction. Researchers have proven that sex addiction is very real. It's not a joke. It's a silent epidemic which is mushrooming year by year. Professionals literally cannot keep up with it. The first symptom of sex addiction is denial it exists at all. Your husband sounds as though he is out of denial. Your husband needs a lot of support, and so do you. Your husband must have the willingness to recover, though. That's 99 percent of the battle. Recovery takes a lot of work and commitment. The upside is that your marriage can be more intimate & loving than you ever thought possible. Your husband must consider getting into Sex Addicts Anonymous or a related 12-Step sex addiction program. There are also support groups for partners of sex addicts and a support group for couples trying to heal together from this experience. Your choices may be more limited if you reside in a small community. Consider online resources if that's the case. Try to get into therapy with a therapist who specializes in sex addiction. Read books by Patrick Carnes to educate yourself on sex addiction. I've seen just as many marriages thrive after D-Day as I've seen nosedive. Ours has thrived (despite an issue I had 2 to 3 years ago which first caused me to visit this forum). Yours can, too. I wish I could go into much more detail with you (which is why I hoped I could PM you), but I cannot. My husband recently told me he doesn't mind if I visit this forum but requested I not talk about him anymore unless it's by PM in a circumstance like this. I want to honor that. I hope you understand. Just please know that you are not alone. Edited November 17, 2011 by Breezy Trousers
Spark1111 Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 I'm am sorry for your pain! Welcome to LS, even though unbelievable events have brought you here. I think you concentrate on you now. Focus on you and your daughter and your health and well-being....whatever it takes. Remember, you have a right to decide not to decide ANYTHING, until you feel strong enough to do so. Gather as much knowledge as possible. Empower yourself with information and support and IC and MC too, if you want. Deal with his addiction as you deal with your pain. Get support anywhere you can through any avenues available to you. Take it one day at a time. Breathe. Eat. See your doctor for anti-depressants if necessary. It is your life and your decision. I wish you peace.
Lemon Drop Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 This is a dealbreaker. He was able to talk you out of it when your relationship started and you saw red flags all over that. Turns out you were right, he just went underground. That means every day you were in your relationship, he was in another one than you were because he was lying and hiding and pretending to be someone he wasn't. I hate this, because I was in a similar situation, and took him back after he promised all the usual things. It means you can never be at peace. You have to become a forensic specialist, checking up on him because you suspect things. He will NEVER tell you the truth, so you have to find your evidence. My situation ended badly and my advice to you is to save yourself. You have plenty of life ahead of you to heal and live a happy, peaceful live. Don't waste any more of your precious days on this liar. He is deeply broken and you can't fix him. Good luck to you.
2sure Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Sigh...I described the problem and the reason for divorce to my daughter as...He was having friendships with other women that I felt were inapproriate & disrespectful, and that this type of behavior is a deal breaker in a marriage. For me...My daughter was one of the biggest reasons I left him. He did the whole addiction thing, even was diagnosed..but you know...so what? I could forgive him but still...I never ever want my daughter to find that type of behavior something that can be put up with. Oh, get tested. You have an STD , in my experience you can count on it.
2sure Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Also...I did not divorce my serial cheating husband because he had sex with other women. I divorced him because he was capable of hiding it from me and for wanting to when we had in his own words : The perfect marriage.
Breezy Trousers Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 Perpetual, you've received great advice. Still, listen to your intuition. My intuition told me to stay, despite my hurt & rage & all insane appearances. A few told me I was as sick as my husband (for staying). A couple friends disappeared from my life literally overnight, not calling me again until a year or two had passed. That hurt as much, if not more, than the infidelity. Looking back, I needed this to happen so I could finally learn to turn to myself for support. No regrets, either. We've had 10 great years -- years we would not have had if I slammed the door on our marriage in 2001. My husband now helps other men heal from this. This may have been the greater plan all along. Who knows? On the other hand, I've seen others stay too long. So don't listen to me. Don't listen to anyone here. Listen to your intuition. If it tells you to go, pack your bags. If it tells you to stay, get support.
frozensprouts Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 do you feel that your husband recognizes he has a problem, or is he trying to make excuses and sweep things under the rug? I would suggest doing some research into sex addiction and find out what kinds of therapy,treatments, etc. are recomended for sex addiction and what the typical long term outcome may be for people dealing with this issue. what kinds of supports exist in your area , both for him and you ? do you feel that you can handle going through all that? do you feel he'd be willing?
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