fucpcg Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 I've posted a couple times about being dumped by my ex, and her accusing me of being emotionally abusive *******, and I have got some good advice, but still struggling on 9 months since split, especially with holidays here. Lately i'm reminded of what happened a year ago, I lost it on her in a bar in front of everyone and screamed my head off basically... Okay few prefaces... first the first two months dating this girl was anightmare. She was a really sweet 40 year old mother of 3 when not drinking, however an out of control drunk, who was nasty, every weekend and every Tuesday/wednesdays without her kids. I told her numerous times I was gonna walk if she didn't quit drinking, after she would apologize the next day after fighting with me, and finally after two months I said I quit and walked. She begged me back for a week straight saying she didn't want that life anymore, she wanted me, so I said okay quit drinking and we'll get back together. She quit, and we had an amazing 6 months together after. She went from worst girlfriend ever to best girlfriend ever. We had a couple misc bumps in there, but nothing of relevance. During this time I was with my gf every single day she didn't have kids, and on the weekends she did have them I took us all to do something, like the zoo, amusement parks, playing at beach, etc. I swear to you I didn't miss one day of being with her and her boys. Back to explosion, it was night before thanksgiving, and we made plans to meet at this bar later, her with her friends, me with mine. I don't remember how it started, however at some point my gf starts texting my friend things like "well what are you guys doing tonite? Where are you going? Mike is going with you? He never told me. I don't know what's going on". I get to bar and my friend says hey you need to get ahold of ur gf she was texting me saying she didn't know what we were doing and you didn't tell her anything. My blood boiled on the spot. First, I told her exactly, and second, I hadn't missed out on one day ever with this girl for 8 months. When she got there I exploded and with a loud (not shouting) voice in front of everyone I said if you've got something to say to me, say it to me not my friends. Dotn be going around telling them I didn't tell you what w.d were doing tonight, you got something to say, say it to me! I was loud, my voice was stern, I'm sure I had quite the grimace on my face, and the place was packed with mine and her friends. This is one of the examples of how abusive I was after dumping me, and when I look back on it I am sorry bout doing it in public and losing it... but am I really 100% in the wrong here? Is she 100%? 50-50? Does this help earn me a title as abusive? I just really, really couldn't get over her saying to my buddy I didn't tell her what we were doing that night, and no she never contacted me to say what am I doing, if by some chance there was miscommunication earlier. And as far a losing it, I beileve this was first time I did in 6 months, and the other times were times when she would show up at my housr at midnight pissed drunk on a work night for example. And I didn't seek her out for a fight, it would be something like she said she'd be over at 9pm, then show up hours later in that condition. Your thoughts are most welcome.
Zabs Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 I would be interested to know where the sudden 'rage' came from...I may be naiive here but it sounds like a tad OTT..but there must be a reason behind it whether it is un/conconcious or not...find out! Much love Zabs xx
ChelseaLS Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 I've posted a couple times about being dumped by my ex, and her accusing me of being emotionally abusive *******, and I have got some good advice, but still struggling on 9 months since split, especially with holidays here. Lately i'm reminded of what happened a year ago, I lost it on her in a bar in front of everyone and screamed my head off basically... Okay few prefaces... first the first two months dating this girl was anightmare. She was a really sweet 40 year old mother of 3 when not drinking, however an out of control drunk, who was nasty, every weekend and every Tuesday/wednesdays without her kids. I told her numerous times I was gonna walk if she didn't quit drinking, after she would apologize the next day after fighting with me, and finally after two months I said I quit and walked. She begged me back for a week straight saying she didn't want that life anymore, she wanted me, so I said okay quit drinking and we'll get back together. She quit, and we had an amazing 6 months together after. She went from worst girlfriend ever to best girlfriend ever. We had a couple misc bumps in there, but nothing of relevance. During this time I was with my gf every single day she didn't have kids, and on the weekends she did have them I took us all to do something, like the zoo, amusement parks, playing at beach, etc. I swear to you I didn't miss one day of being with her and her boys. Back to explosion, it was night before thanksgiving, and we made plans to meet at this bar later, her with her friends, me with mine. I don't remember how it started, however at some point my gf starts texting my friend things like "well what are you guys doing tonite? Where are you going? Mike is going with you? He never told me. I don't know what's going on". I get to bar and my friend says hey you need to get ahold of ur gf she was texting me saying she didn't know what we were doing and you didn't tell her anything. My blood boiled on the spot. First, I told her exactly, and second, I hadn't missed out on one day ever with this girl for 8 months. When she got there I exploded and with a loud (not shouting) voice in front of everyone I said if you've got something to say to me, say it to me not my friends. Dotn be going around telling them I didn't tell you what w.d were doing tonight, you got something to say, say it to me! I was loud, my voice was stern, I'm sure I had quite the grimace on my face, and the place was packed with mine and her friends. This is one of the examples of how abusive I was after dumping me, and when I look back on it I am sorry bout doing it in public and losing it... but am I really 100% in the wrong here? Is she 100%? 50-50? Does this help earn me a title as abusive? I just really, really couldn't get over her saying to my buddy I didn't tell her what we were doing that night, and no she never contacted me to say what am I doing, if by some chance there was miscommunication earlier. And as far a losing it, I beileve this was first time I did in 6 months, and the other times were times when she would show up at my housr at midnight pissed drunk on a work night for example. And I didn't seek her out for a fight, it would be something like she said she'd be over at 9pm, then show up hours later in that condition. Your thoughts are most welcome. Sounds like a lot of pent up past crap that all came out in one night. It takes two to make a relationship and two to break it (there are always underlying issues that people generally fail to look at then one party alone gets blamed). Exploding publicly, was probably not a good idea, but whatever whats done is done. In no way in my mind, from how you describe it, should there be a lable of abusive. I am thinking she probably shouldn't be hanging out at bars if she has this drinking issue.
Author fucpcg Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 Zabs I can have a pretty strong temper, I don't deny that. However its not a quick temper, meaning I don't go around picking fights, road rage, etc, its one that only comes out when I feel "wronged" so to speak. And if I do lose my cool, I don't get nasty, I get heated. Meaning, ive never said anything like name calling or direct put downs, I keep to why I got pissed off. So like this night, what ran thru my head is hwy in the hell is this girl who ive spent every single day with for the past 6 months telling my friend she didn't know what I was doing tonite and blew her off! It was such the opposite. As far as source, it was a pretty rough childhood I went thru, sometimes you grow up in an atmosphere that you have to be exploxsive to survive, that was.me.
Zabs Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 Well F*, start with that.... Instead of dwelling on the What with your ex...concentrate on the WHY...because if you wanna make this permanent..that WILL be the first place you will have to start...if not..either way..you will have grown as a person..win win However, the drinking presents an issue. The above is for you ..but for her...does she recognise her alcohol consumption as an issue? As from what you have posted..even though she says it..I am not convinced she does. people who abuse alcohol and/or drugs..over time become master manipulators...a damaging coping strategy that becomes a way of life. You are not responsible for her past life...nor can you compensate..if I were you, instead of questioning the person, confront the issue. I am aware that you may not follow... Here's what I mean; You ask "Why do you drink so much?" Pros - Direct, illustrating the severity of the issue and being specific Cons - Why (the word) attributes blame or the feeling that the person SHOULD know the answer when the answer may evade them Sounds judgemental and authoritative...and something that you strongly disapprove of. This becomes an issue when the alcohol misuer hold significant others in high esteem and approval means everything..therefore prompting an angry/defensive response. A more effective way of having the question answered is to phrase it as "What makes you drink so much" - This way, it makes the alcohol misuer consider reasons why others may be concerned...thus NOT being so aggressive and belligerent in their response...may precipitate some healing...and /or an acknowledgement there IS an issue..and where their roots lie within that. Hope this helps. Much love Zabs xx
wilsonx Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 I am going to point out that there is emotional abuse (emotional manipulation) in your first post and it has nothing to do with your temper on the day before thanksgiving. It's actually really big. Now its your responsibility to determine what it is, why it happened, and what to do from it from this point forward.
Author fucpcg Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 Wilson I remember your response, and I did search out gaslighting as you suggested, and appreciated your feedback. I have many friends that have told me this girl is no good for me, and that I don't deserve for her to go around saying the stuff she is saying, but after all, they are my friends. These are good people, who I trust wouldn't just automatically take my side, but they have to have at least some bias to me. I just don't want to be a guy who just writes it off as she's wrong, I'm right, cause I'm infallible. I know that I am not, and want to know if this girl just knows how to manipulate me, or if I've really acted in such a manner that warrants her accusations. It did leave me with plenty of self doubt.
Author fucpcg Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 Zabs thanx again, i'll comment more after work.
wilsonx Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 (edited) I told her numerous times I was gonna walk if she didn't quit drinking, after she would apologize the next day after fighting with me, and finally after two months I said I quit and walked. She begged me back for a week straight saying she didn't want that life anymore, she wanted me, so I said okay quit drinking and we'll get back together. Emotionally abused people are emotionally manipulative. Its that simple. If you do not recognize it and correct it, you can go the rest of your life and not see it. You set a clear boundary, if you do not stop drinking, I am leaving. You reinforced it over and over and then you left. What happened when you left, she said **** "I will change and quit drinking." She's changing her self based on your personal boundaries not on her own accord. Here's the thing and I fell for the same bull**** too, you should have kept walking, it doesn't matter how good it was after the fact, the problem was still there. She was drinking to hide the pain from something. You have some hurt as well, thats why you have pent up anger problem. I know we all want to point fingers and blame our ex's. I point out gaslighting to show people that wow this concept does exist but at the same time, we allow ourselves to be treated like this so we take responsibility in it as well. So she quit drinking, what happened at the end of the honeymoon phase for both for you, the same underlying anger/hurt issues were still there and were never addressed. So in order to keep the relationship just ok, gaslighting occurred, you never communicated and set personal boundaries with her again because you thought everything was ok. People need to instill change in them self for them self, not for someone else. At the same time there's a saying "You can take the girl out of the hood but you can't take the hood out of the girl" (Replace hood with alcohol/emotional abuse etc... shes 40 years old). Change doesn't happen within a week. True change takes time, desire and drive to change. You tried to be captain fix a hoe. I did it. My dad did it. My friends at work have done it. People are who they are, you either accept them or leave. My mom told me 2 fridays ago, damn for the past 30+ years, Ive been trying to change your dad and I learned at church its not my job to change him, Ive had this wrong the entire time. One thing I wanted to add is that Cowards point fingers and blame others for how they were treated. The strong confident people rise above that and take responsibility for how they were treated and make sure they repeat the same patterns again. You are responsible for how you are treated. Edited November 16, 2011 by wilsonx
Author fucpcg Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 Great post wilson, thank you again.
wilsonx Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 Your welcome... remember Focus on you and your problems, forgive yourself for not being the best you you could possibly be. Become the best you possible, and be happy. True happiness comes from within. "Our deepest fear is that we are not inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. In playing small does not serve the world there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people dont feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine as children. Its not just in some of us, its in everyone. As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same, as we are liberated of our own fear. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." -Coach Carter Good Luck
Author fucpcg Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 Well you basically nailed it in sentence two that time. I don't know how to forgive myself for my less than great actions. I've been trying to figure out how, I just can't seem to let go. I really feel bad for what I did, and her actions toward me make me feel worse as she refuses any contact with me whatsoever. After supporting her 100% those first 2 months of out of control drinking and nasty attitude, when I had no reason to as we didn't have any good history behind us, she broke up with me after a couple of fights saying I don't deserve for her to ever talk to me or see me again, after a year of history between us, including discussions of marriage and a child. Never gave me any chance to talk to her period. So I'm just left guessing, as stated before, was I so bad, or did she just want to go back to that old lifestyle and use all of this as excuse to do so. Top that off with how vocal she has been with everyone and anyone about how bad I abused her, and this is what you get, a guy still shook up bad even 9 months later.
wilsonx Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 It does not matter what she tells people. Does it hurt yes, is it character assasination, most likely. Chalk it up to a series of bad decisions made. In the big picture of things and life, it doesn't matter. One of the quotes that Ive heard from other people and other forums is that You have to love yourself. If you love yourself nothing else matters. Its absolute true. Get to this point, dont be afraid of rejection. I am over coming this now. Everyone is different in terms of finding ways to forgive oneself and letting go. Buddhist are smart people, "To Let Go is To Love Yourself" I practice mindfulness, that's my way of finding the light in the middle of darkness, others volunteer, others find god, theres are tons of ways to forgive yourself but remember the quote "To Let Go is to Love Yourself" Not only let go of this, let go of the past.
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