dimwit21 Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 Hello everyone, first post here. Wasn't too sure whether to post this here or the coping section but I guess in this situation it'll be better fit here. For a little background story, I met this girl online and we started dating for 5 months. Our means of communication were msn, webcamming on Skype (no audio), online games, and very minimal voice chat as she said she doesn't talk much. We were doing very well and were planning to meet during the winter holidays and the summer break. The problem started at the beginning of November; she was feeling a lot of stress from family issues and the amount of schoolwork she has been getting. I did my best to be supportive; listening to what's going on, giving my opinion, giving her some space when needed when she needs to work on an assignment, and just trying to be there for her; as best as an online relationship can be. However, it felt like she was continously pushing me away and snapping at me even when I was just saying hi, she was in a bad mood very often. I did my best to understand her situation since I know how stressful it can be and not take any of this to offense, instead, I would continue to try and be supportive for her, even sending her a box set of her favourite book series (which arrived after the breakup lmao...). A few weeks ago, she started playing an online game (the one where we met in) but both of us didn't know why since it always puts her in an even worse mood. A week later, she tells me that we should stop talking to each other because it seems like whenever we talk we always "piss each other off" though I associated that with her bad moods and thought that once past this phase, we'll be fine, that we can work through this. I agreed to the proposal since everyone needs some time alone and think/work things through and told her that whenever she needs me that I'll be there for her. I admit to share some of the blame because I recently got a full-time job and haven't been online as much, but as soon as I finish work I'll hop online to ask her about her day and tell her about mine, making sure to always keep in contact as well as playing with her. A few days after the 'need space motion', she messages me and tells me that under the advice of another friend, said it was best to tell me that she has a crush on another guy (who is also online and long distance) from the game she started playing again. I asked her when and she answered me ever since she met him (a few months before we started dating) and told me that it wasn't serious until a few weeks ago, and that it wasn't even serious now. My initial and natural reaction was that I got upset and felt a bit betrayed, I told her that it bothers and upsets me which made her feel bad but assured me that it was nothing. I went to bed that night in a bad mood but spent the next day at work contemplating how I would approach the issue. After work, I spent the night talking to her; telling her that it'll be fine as long as her feelings don't develop more than a simple crush and that she does something to make sure those feelings don't go further. She refused to stop seeing him which I feel would only fuel her feelings especially since she's been talking to him more than me (been getting 1 word answers every 20mins). I felt hurt and disrespected, as if she no longer cared for me. I told her all I asked was for someone to be committed to me and only me since I don't want to be someone who window shops while I'm holding her hand in the mall (bad analogy). She tells me that she feels a lot of pressure from me asking for a committed relationship with her, when I defined what I meant by committed. She also said she was tired of working for the relationship, seems like she just wants one for fun. The next day, she breaks up with me, giving me the excuse saying that she feels like she's too overwhelmed with other stuff for a relationship and that it's not because she wants to pursue something with the other guy. I did my best to be mature with the break up, understanding her reasons and wishing her the best of luck. A few days later a mutual friend of both me and my ex, and is also an older brother figure for her, said he was not happy with the whole situation (he was very supportive of our relationship). He told me that the other guy has convinced her to join in on their vent channel, and even messed up her headset by installing the wrong drivers. My friend told her that he can buy her a cheap headset (he was the one who bought her first headset which was pretty pricey) but she got mad and told him to forget about it, and that she will buy her own. Also, he tells me that she's been avoiding msn and him, since she's too busy with playing the game with the other guy, facebook, and vent. To me, it seems like all the things she said about the reasons for the breakup was a complete lie, and was just saying those things to let me off easy and to not make herself feel as guilty. Seems like she's working darn hard, harder than she was with me, to make this work. And I was even told by the other guy that he was interested in her. It's been half a week since I started the NC thing but feel absolutely upset that I was lied to, more than the fact that she was out crushing on other guys while we were together. I want to confront her or even writing her a letter but it seems like it's just not worth it anymore and to just simply burn the bridge. Maybe even write the letter to put all my emotions on paper and then burn it. Thanks for reading my ridiculously long story, I just wanted somewhere to vent and googling brought me here. Any kinds of opinions will also be appreciated.
Teuen101 Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 I feel your pain brother, In some ways you can get to know some better then you can in person, however some folks don't understand these type of relationships however it's a relationship none the less and can hurt just as bad. these type of relationships can't be hard, online LDR are hard. however it's a "relationship" and she is showing you she is talking to some one else, if she wasn't she would be with you. Just thank your self you didn't meet her real life. don't say a word to her just poof, don't beg her or ask her anything just go, play a new game.)
Rorschach64 Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 I know your pain of LDR sir. I had a LDR (Her in Singapore and me in US) for about 2 years and we were engaged, in the end I was broken up with because she found someone else and she projected her guilt on me. Basically what I am saying these kinds of relationships are, in my opinion, the hardest to establish trust and to actually see out in the end. Some people can do it, my friend was able to do it still till this day after 5 years, but most often than not they fail. I guess I can best equate it to being in a dream world...it sucks. Try your best to avoid LDR in the future if you can and learn from this but most importantly don't beat yourself up over it.
Author dimwit21 Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 Just thank your self you didn't meet her real life. don't say a word to her just poof, don't beg her or ask her anything just go, play a new game.) Yeah, I'm pretty thankful that she at least broke it off before the winter holidays, would've spent the time, effort, and money for naught. I've been already feeling better from distracting myself; work, going out with friends, playing other games with the guys, etc. I guess the next step would be to just delete all forms of contact for her, disabling notifications on facebook isn't enough. Just on the fence whether to just delete her outright or say a 1 word goodbye and disappear. Basically what I am saying these kinds of relationships are, in my opinion, the hardest to establish trust and to actually see out in the end. Some people can do it, my friend was able to do it still till this day after 5 years, but most often than not they fail. I guess I can best equate it to being in a dream world...it sucks. Try your best to avoid LDR in the future if you can and learn from this but most importantly don't beat yourself up over it. Thanks for sharing your story and sorry for what happened. I do agree that these things are hard to establish trust, but I'm usually too easy when it comes to trusting others and it bit my butt here. Just seems like I'm more butthurt from the fact that I got lied to than anything. I've taken this as a life lesson and will be avoiding these kind of relationships in the future. I don't feel as bad as my previous breakups, most likely since this one lacked the physical connection to it, but it still stings but I'm at least moving along relatively better. Oh well, live and learn. Thanks guys.
ladyravenloft Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 Your story seems a little like mine; met in an online game, spent two years chatting on skype, got very close. Was going to have him fly to me. He suddenly vanished after much professions of love and devotion. Less than seven hours after telling me he needed time to think, someone claiming to be his gf came on his skype and told me about the new bed they bought together and were busy breaking in. I've never heard back from him. Yeah....not fun to find out. LDR are HARD, and sadly too often because you're not right there to have that physical closeness of such things like handholding and all, the other person is drawn off by what's available in their area. I think in part it's a sign of immaturity, showing they can't control their impulses and wait for what they supposedly really want. Another part, IMO, is that they've built up some sort of fantasy world and that when the reality of how hard a LDR can be comes along and bursts their dreams, they flee. I can honestly say that while I'm still hurt and rather ticked off by what my ex has done, I'm also glad he did it. I can see him for what he really is now, and I can continue moving forward with my life while he'll most likely continue to fall for gals from video games, play with their hearts, and then vanish when things get rough. One day you'll see she did you a massive favor as well.
Author dimwit21 Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 Yeah....not fun to find out. LDR are HARD, and sadly too often because you're not right there to have that physical closeness of such things like handholding and all, the other person is drawn off by what's available in their area. I think in part it's a sign of immaturity, showing they can't control their impulses and wait for what they supposedly really want. Another part, IMO, is that they've built up some sort of fantasy world and that when the reality of how hard a LDR can be comes along and bursts their dreams, they flee. I can honestly say that while I'm still hurt and rather ticked off by what my ex has done, I'm also glad he did it. I can see him for what he really is now, and I can continue moving forward with my life while he'll most likely continue to fall for gals from video games, play with their hearts, and then vanish when things get rough. One day you'll see she did you a massive favor as well. Thank you for sharing, definitely a harsh way to find out but at least you saw how he really was. I agree to what you said about not being there and the immaturity shown. The guy she's chasing after now was the same case as me; long distance and online. I guess the fact that I got a full-time job and now preoccupied with that, along with having to sleep at night instead of staying up until 5am to be with her made her look elsewhere to fill the void. It definitely stings but at least I know she wasn't mature enough to stay faithful on an emotional level. I'm on the fence of just deleting all means of contact with her.
ladyravenloft Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 It definitely stings but at least I know she wasn't mature enough to stay faithful on an emotional level. I'm on the fence of just deleting all means of contact with her. I went full NC with my ex after several attempts to contact him failed. (No response to emails and being hung up on without a word being said). I've blocked his email, Skype, MSN, and everything else I can think of. Part of me wants to give him a chance to contact me so I can hear whatever pathetic excuse he has for what he's done, but another part of me knows it would be nothing but a waste of time; nothing more then an "I'm sorry, forgive me. I'll never do it again. I still love you and want you", then he'll just disappear again once he finds some new shiney toy to replace me with. We all deserve someone that will love us and treat us with respect, and IMO if someone treats you badly once, they'll just do it again.
Author dimwit21 Posted November 18, 2011 Author Posted November 18, 2011 Part of me wants to give him a chance to contact me so I can hear whatever pathetic excuse he has for what he's done, but another part of me knows it would be nothing but a waste of time; nothing more then an "I'm sorry, forgive me. I'll never do it again. I still love you and want you", then he'll just disappear again once he finds some new shiney toy to replace me with. We all deserve someone that will love us and treat us with respect, and IMO if someone treats you badly once, they'll just do it again. Even though I'm going for NC as well (almost reached the 1 week mark), I feel the same way. I unsubscribed to her on facebook and just closed all the tabs on msn so I avoid seeing her status updates and name. But I find myself searching her facebook a few times a day and on msn. Guess I'm still hoping that she'll contact me but I need to distract myself more or just man up and delete her on everything. I can see how NC can be difficult
Recommended Posts