My crisis!

[Jess198]

In brief, I think I am having an identity crisis and hoping someone may have advice.

 

I met my H at 17 and I was a very insecure teenager. I was bullied at school and believed I would never find love. My H made me feel safe, I liked his smile which was genuine although I wasn’t attracted to him from the outset. We started to see each other and not long after we became an official couple, for the first few months I was very unhappy but I knew I had something good and it was me that was the problem (logic at 17!). I went to uni and stayed one year before leaving to work as we needed the income. During this time I was very dependant emotionally on H and came home most weekends. I felt much more in love than before at this time and I was happy about this. I left love notes and was really happy although I always had a niggling doubt that crept into everything I did and my childhood years stayed with me, being bullied I felt a need to fulfil my own prophecy that I was loveable and I constantly worked to prove this to myself. I was put on antidepressants and beta-blockers by my GP when I explained I wasn’t getting full enjoyment from life, that something was always holding me back and about my younger years.

 

When I got back from uni and worked we settled into life again, it very quickly became routine, we wouldn’t make love for weeks and we became lazy and I thought this was what a R looked like. My GP prescribed me antidepressants when I was unhappy. My parents are D and my mother had men but didn’t remarry as she didn’t ever meet anyone she felt she could bring into her childrens life until we were older (13). It never occurred to me to look at my R, my partner had a good job, was kind, loving and I could see really cared about me. I felt I was the issue in all of this. I got a new job and made some good friends and began to feel happier, although I was still anxious, that niggle was always there that I wasn’t ever ‘me’. I bent over backwards to please people and to be fun to be around all my life. I am so scared of rejection. The good side is this makes me an excellent listener and empathiser, it’s not all bad! Well my work friends began to have A’s with one another and the group began to split up. There was judgement and all sorts and it became very messy.

 

My H proposed to me and I was ecstatic, this gave me a jolt of excitement and I felt my life may begin and really take off. We planned our W (three years away) and I was so excited. At some point however a man at work began giving me a lot of attention, he was M (with children) and I bit. I still don’t know why, he chased for months and I was pretty cold with him but eventually I began to talk a lot with him. I have never had problems with men talking to me and especially in recent years and I do enjoy attention but there’s a big difference between that and an EA. I didn’t know EA’s existed and I felt like I’d met another man I was falling for only this time it was not the slow burn I had with SO, it was a full can’t eat, sleep, think scenario. I was so unhappy and confused but times with MM were good and I looked forward to them. I lost 2 stone in less than 2 months (and I didn’t really have it to loose). We were made redundant and the EA became a very brief PA (about a week) before I felt so bad I called it off. We agreed to be friends but the friendship ate me alive, it was horrific and I couldn’t turn my feelings off. MM told me I was right person but it was wrong time and he couldn’t leave home. Again I went back on anti-depressants. I know there is no excuse for what I have done and it makes me feel sick I just know I felt so lost and with MM didn't feel so lost however I know I made those choices and I own them. After speaking with my mother who told me it would all pass I married still feeling somewhat in a haze some months after, still confused but hoping for the best. It has now been 18 months. In this time exMM and I have spoken a bit, 6 months we didn’t speak and a few weeks ago after chatting for a few months again I began feeling confused and he was flirting lots so I told him where to go.

 

The thing is, I have no idea who I am. And ironically I feel exMM is the same only older! But I really felt like we knew one another.

 

My H knows everything and is determined to focus on the future and we talk about it a lot trying to sort our feelings out. He has given me everything I have, and despite all this doom and gloom we have had good times when I have felt hope. I still feel hope sometimes but my question is how can I draw a line under this? We have been in MC and C has said we are a strong couple with obvious respect and care. I want to put my past behind me but I feel defined by it. I know I sound like a victim but I really want to fall in love with my H. I’m pulling out all the stops and sometimes I’m overwhelmed with happiness, other times I’m lost and I cry, I grieve for MM, I feel hope, I feel so down, I’m all over. I don’t want to take antidepressants again because TBH I feel they shouldn’t have been prescribed to begin with. I want to put my past behind me and begin living a good life. We have few money worries, a ten year history and I care about him so much. I really want to build my future but I don’t know who I am! In a way I thought I found a piece of myself with MM but I don't know if that was smoke and mirrors. I have spent all my life doing what is expected and trying to belong I don’t have a clue what to do. Can I find myself with my H too? At times I want to run away but I know I have excellent tools and a good man who has stuck by me through thick and thin and I look at him and I know what a catch he is, I do love him, it's that 'in love' I want to feel. Is that naive? Communication can improve a hundred fold but many M’s are like this and at least we’re working on it. I don’t want to keep running from my original issues and keep f****ing up because of problems from childhood. Can I 'fall in love' and start living a happy life with H too? I don’t want to waste any more time.

 

Sorry it’s a long post and I know I’ll get bashed for this but really hoping someone has some insights or advice too!

Edited November 16, 2011 by Jess198

[Untouchable_Fire]

Sorry it’s a long post and I know I’ll get bashed for this but really hoping someone has some insights or advice too!

 

Unless your Husband changes... I don't think you will ever be 'in love' with him.

 

I know that isn't what you want to hear... but you are just dragging him down and yourself with him. Let him find a woman that will truly love him.

 

Seriously... I've been there. I've been that guy who no matter what I did couldn't get the girl to truly love me. My personality, my look... it just wasn't what she wants. I thought she was perfect for me, but looking back she was just as bad of a fit for me as I was for her.

[nofool4u]

My H knows everything and is determined to focus on the future and we talk about it a lot trying to sort our feelings out.

 

Sounds like one hell of a guy. But I bet he doesn't know that you want to remain friends with the MM.

 

 

We have been in MC and C has said we are a strong couple with obvious respect and care.

 

Well, he is fooling himself if he thinks you have respect for him.

 

 

I know I sound like a victim

 

You're joking right? You aren't a victim here. Only victims are our H and the MM's wife.

 

 

I’m pulling out all the stops and sometimes I’m overwhelmed with happiness, other times I’m lost and I cry, I grieve for MM

 

pulling out all the stops, but pining for the OM?

 

 

I feel hope, I feel so down, I’m all over. I don’t want to take antidepressants again because TBH I feel they shouldn’t have been prescribed to begin with.

 

You didn't have to take them you know.

 

 

I really want to build my future but I don’t know who I am! In a way I thought I found a piece of myself with MM but I don't know if that was smoke and mirrors. I have spent all my life doing what is expected and trying to belong I don’t have a clue what to do. Can I find myself with my H too?

 

Ok, sorry, but this whole, "I don't know who I am", "I need to find myself" is a load of bunk.

 

You are simply someone who didn't want to be faithful and wanted the thrill of being with someone other than your husband.

 

 

 

At times I want to run away but I know I have excellent tools and a good man who has stuck by me through thick and thin

 

 

There you go, so grow up and at least TRY to do right by him if he is committed to giving you a 2nd chance. A 2nd chance most people wouldn't feel you deserve. I wouldn't.

 

So you should take this ball and run with it and just suck it up and realize the MM used you. (and no, that still doesn't make you a victim)

 

 

and I look at him and I know what a catch he is

 

He seems like it, and you should know that a good woman deserves him. So again, grow up and start doing right by him. Otherwise let a woman that deserves him find him someday.