mrsgump Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 Hi I've been separated from my husband of 3 years for 4 months. We are both 29. Before I mention all the bad stuff, I'll mention the good. He's very loving, takes care of me, he is happy to cook and clean and take care of my friends and bring out the drinks for us when they visit. We can be very happy and loving together and there is a lot of love between us. The problem is that he does a lot of stupid things A brief history - we started as a holiday romance. We got engaged 6 months after we met (after I had gone to live with him for 3 months). We got married a year after that. A week after our honeymoon, I found out that he had cheated on me while we were long-distance and after we were engaged. Of course I was distraught - I found out (via his email) and he denied everything, but luckily the other girl told me everything. He reluctantly admitted everything. I decided to give him a chance as we had just married and I still loved him. Married life - he is awful with money. He doesn't earn much and doesn't save anything. I was always helping him out, lending him money, even stupidly borrowed money from my friend and family for him. During the first year, one night he didn't come home from work. I was really upset and going crazy as he didn't call or answer his phone. Eventually at 8am I called his colleague who didn't answer. But miraculously 2 min later my H called me straightaway. He said he stayed with a colleague and some stupid story about how his phone was in his friend's car... it didn't make sense. The following year, over 2-3 months he came home at 10am about 6 times. He worked in a bar/restaurant that closed at at 2/3 am, so the latest he should be home is 4am. The first time, he didn't call or answer his phone. He insisted he had to work late, again, it didn't make sense. A few months later, when he was drunk and left that job, he mentioned that those late nights - he had stayed drinking with his colleagues as they had open bar. He obviously couldn't be bothered to contact me, and knew I wouldn't like it but chose to do it anyway. Our third year of marriage - he was drinking a lot. Easily a big bottle of spirits a day just at home while he was out of work. Not great when you don't have much money! He went out one night with 'friends' and came home at 4am. I found out later that he'd been to a club and didn't tell me. I told him multiple times that I don't mind him going out with his friends but he has to LET ME KNOW and tell me what he's doing. So the final straw came after he spent my birthday with his friend, came home at 11.30pm and didn't buy me a present when I'd saved the day for him and made an effort for his birthday + a week later he came home at 4am without telling me after he went to the late cinema + the following night(/day) he came back at 11am after he went drinking with friends and fell asleep on the night bus. I know it's not sounding good. I kicked him out 4 months ago... I've filled in the papers but I'm not feeling ready to hand them in to the court we've spent some time together while we've been separated. He admits that he's done a lot of stupid things... but I don't know if I believe he will stop. There's a little tiny part of me that still wants to give him a chance. We obviously still love and care about each other. But on the other hand I feel like a mug for wanting to stay with someone who has shown me so much blatant disrespect. I don't know what I'm waiting for - and I also wonder if he has cheated on me again (I know it sounds like he probably has, but I haven't sensed anything pointing directly to it). Logically it makes sense for me to divorce him - but part of me just doesn't want to do it... Should I give him a chance to show me he can 'save' our marriage? Or have I already given him one too many chances? I'm thinking it can't hurt to wait to hand in those divorce papers just to be 100% sure... Any thoughts or advice please?
speedster Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 I'm sorry you had to deal with all that. he seems pretty insensitive and immature. go ahead and file. do it for your sake. i hated to file on my ex, but it had to be done, and i am so much better off now. i regained my self respect, control over my life, and i really needed to draw that boundary. best of luck.
Art_Critic Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 In the end.. he won't change and you will be dealing with this your whole marriage if you stayed together.. Him saying he messed up with the cheating while being engaged and all the other disrespectful stuff isn't the same as when a spouse says they messed up when they didn't do something you asked them to do.. It is/was a blatant disregard for your feelings and lacks any respect for you. Respect isn't something that will just turn on and stay on.. he either respects you or not.. and it seems he doesn't.. Good Luck.. not an easy decision..
carhill Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 If desired, he and you can 'save' your marriage at any time. Filing divorce documents is just a lawsuit to end the legal partnership. The relationship ends (or not) within your minds and hearts. Our D took about 18 months from first filing to the 'marriage ends on <date>' stamp from the court. There was plenty of time to reconcile and cease prosecution of the lawsuit. Heck, we could still be together today if we wanted to. Want is the key, along with 'we'.
Author mrsgump Posted November 20, 2011 Author Posted November 20, 2011 I'm still feeling really confused... should I try again? Is it right to quit already? I don't know... maybe I just want to return to the comfort of the good bits of our relationship... I wonder if we could go to counselling and that might clarify if we should really end things or if there is a possibility of us trying again - this time if we spelled out some rules and agree to it together. Should I try again for our marriage? For all the good loving bits? It's just so hard leaving someone I still love. We have been together for a total of 4 and a half years, and it's the longest relationship I've been in and the first time I've really loved someone. I can't really see myself with anyone else yet, and after 4 months he is still very much on my mind. I also have the usual fears - if we get divorced, what if I don't meet someone I love again? What if I don't meet someone better? I have so many lovely friends who are my age and have not had the good fortune of meeting someone special yet. Should I let go of my husband or try a different way of finding a solution? Surely the worst thing that will happen is that we do decide to divorce. I was thinking about going on a few dates or something just to remind me that there are other nicer men out there, but I don't know if that's a good idea while I'm still confused about my husband. I like the idea of a distraction, but I suppose it is not really helping me deal with the situation.
jstobo Posted November 20, 2011 Posted November 20, 2011 Mrsgump, I wouldn't date just to date. Remember, when you date, you are involving another person. They have emotions as well. From what you have written, younger not fully available yet. Try not and involve someone who really doesn't have a chance. From how you have described your Husband, it would be my opinion to move on while you have a chance. You don't have kids, so it will be much easier. Just remember, never make a person a priority, who only sees you as an option. Your clear message should have been your birthday. You are an option and that is no place to be. There is a good person who will make you a priority.
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