Dealing with someone who's grieving over the loss

[britonfrog]

Hello!

 

I don't know how to start but I guess I'll give you some history about us so please bear with me here as it's my first time posting this topic, seeking some advices. My bf and I met almost two years ago when we both were separated from our exes. We weren't expected this sudden connection and had great four months. Btw, it was our first LDR (long distance relationship) as either one of us never experienced it before. Anyway, during those times, he got the divorce but mine was still dragging, no thanks to my ex's parents who got involved (a very long story, not worth sharing and not related to this anyway lol). Anyway, his ex was very demanding and horrible to him during those months we were dating. He wanted to move soon (meaning the following year) to where I was 'cuz I couldn't move due to the pending divorce regarding my kid. He also had kids and the youngest was 9. I asked him often if he was so sure 'cuz of his youngest kid. He said he was very sure. I told him that we could wait a while longer, no rush to take the next level (his move). He was quite adamant about his decision. Then at the near end of our 4th month anniversary, his ex asked him to take care of the kids for a while while she was out of town. That was when he got "bombarded" with an emotional epiphany and realized he cannot move so soon 'cuz he loved his kids so much. Well, to sum it up, he got freaked out and after talking to his counselor (btw, his counselor didn't get the whole story at that time and misunderstood what was going on and gave him the wrong advice) which led him to make the decision to end our LDR abruptly. During that conversation, I suggested that we stay together but in slower pace and be best friends while he work through the issues he had at that time but he was very overwhelmed emotionally and mentally (like he didn't want to lose me but at the same time, didn't want to be far apart from his kids, missing out things) and didn't hear what I said. Also, he said he didn't want to be in another LDR again and will search for someone locally instead. So I had to let it go. It was a very difficult moment for me.

 

Flash forward to this year, last spring, he contacted me after I sent him a brief happy birthday on FB (we kept in touch on and off in light correspondences and on FB with brief comments and we were both dating other people as well during the year since the breakup) to catch up the news. At that time, I was dating someone locally (it wasn't a great so-called relationship with that guy) and he was on the brink of breaking off then-current gf 'cuz it wasn't working anymore. He confessed that all the times he was dating her, he realized that he has lost me and wished we didn't break up but thought LDR wouldn't work for us 'cuz of our living situations and kids. He thought about me often and I thought about him often, too but we didn't know that 'cuz we both knew we were dating other people. We also both thought it meant to be and that we'd be with other people for good. Anyway, before he contacted me, he had a talk with his coworker about it and they told him that LDR can work with compromises, efforts and faith. He didn't realize that it can work so that was when he decided to break off his then-current gf and hoped to get back with me. However, I was dating someone else already when he contacted me. I was surprised when he told me this and I told him that even though I was thrilled to hear from him and that I would consider trying again but I had a big fear. The fear was to be heartbroken again for the second time if he's in the similar situation of being very emotionally/mentally overwhelmed and couldn't handle it then break off with me again. That's something I'm afraid of and I cannot take it again 'cuz it took me several months to recover and date again since he was the first I ever fell in love deeply and big time. I never experienced the deep devastation of the heartbreak before so it scared the heck out of me when he wanted to get back with me. I also told him that I don't believe in "empty words" but true actions to prove of his love and commitment. He understood and for a few months, we just kept in touch everyday as best friends, not taking the next step of dating yet as I wasn't ready and also I was still in the midst of breaking off with the other guy (I kept putting it off due to my fear, even though I knew that the guy wasn't right for me and the relationship wasn't going anywhere). Shortly before I finally broke off with the other guy, my bf decided to buy one-way ticket, not waiting for a lower fare of roundtrip. I was surprised but impressed by his efforts. He came and spent a few weeks with me in the summer. It was a glorious time for us. While he was with me, we had a long discussion about where we were like do we re-commit to LDR again or just wait a while longer until I'm ready. I told him that I wasn't ready for the next step again and he understood and respected that. After he went home, I decided to try again so we got back together then. We still kept in touch daily with textings and videochats. A few weeks later, he lost his job then a day or two later, he was told that his mom was in the hospital and he must go up to another state to see her. He hasn't seen his mom for two years because he was visiting his exgf last summer and me recently. When he saw her, he was shocked that she looked not so good, quite drastically different than the last time he saw her. Her health went downhill and he spent the whole time with her while she was dying.

 

Last month, I visited him for a few weeks to give him my support and help during that time and after she died, I was still with him for two more weeks before I flew home. Of course, the times we spent weren't the same as the one we spent recently in the summer - the mood was very somber. I already knew that and was prepared for that but one thing I didn't expect or prepared for was his sudden change of behavior like almost not affectionate during the time his mom was dying. Personally, I never experienced death within my immediate family nor helping someone going through it closely. So I didn't know what to do beside helping him with some things and I felt helpless and useless sometimes. At the same time, I had PMS which wasn't helping at all and made me more emotional than usual. The old fear (of another breakup) came back again, sort of freaking me out (btw, I didn't freak out on him but he did acknowledged how I was feeling as I shared a bit, not all and he did warned me in advance that he needed to focus on his mom, can't divide his attention between her and me which I understood completely and asked me for my patience with him while he was going through it. I had no problem with it). I tried to stay calm and remind myself not to take it personally 'cuz it's not me at all. We had a few spats/misunderstandings but resolved immediately and were good again. After a bit of struggling with it for a week or so, I finally stopped feeling freaking out. After his mom died, of course, he became more withdrawn physically and emotionally which was very understandable. He did shared his feelings and thoughts while I was there and even told me that his heart felt empty and all numb…nothing in it like no love or romance of some sorts. I understood and wasn't expecting any at all 'cuz he was shocked.

 

Btw, he lost his dad five years ago so it was his second time losing another parent but this time, it was more devastating for him 'cuz he was more close to his mom emotionally. He was only in his early 40s. Also, he felt so guilt for not visiting his mom for two years straight, even though they had weekly/bi-weekly phone calls. (His mom already forgave him when he apologized for not visiting her for two years and I told him that his being there for him was all she wanted and was very happy before she became confused and stopped functioning) He told me that whenever he tried to get close to me physically (during the time his mom was dying), he felt emotionally/mentally conflicted like it felt wrong as it reminded him of his guilt for visiting me, not his mom recently. He also felt guilty for not bringing his kids to see his mom one more time in the recent summer (his ex and kids were in the same town his mom was at as they were visiting the other grandmother and the ex refused to bring his kids to visit his mom due to some issues which he was very angry with her about because his mom found out then and was so hurt as she hasn't seen her grandkids for over a year and they were only minutes away. The ex said it's my bf's responsibility, not hers, to bring the kids to see his mom in the recent summer which he didn't do that, hence his guilt). I didn't know what to say about that, even though I understood the guilt part. He said he knows he need time to get through the grieving time and when he gets better, we will rebuild our LDR and asked me for my patience. I agreed to that. He told me a few times that nothing was wrong with me and we were still good but it was him that's dealing with all of that and in the last big discussion before I went home, we agreed to take it slow and go with the flow, not thinking about those plans we discussed earlier. I asked him if he still believes in us like there's still something between us down the road (soulmates and all that) and he said he does and he didn't want to search elsewhere for someone else as he already knew we're matched. That was all I wanted to know so I'd know where we go from there because several times in the last few days or week, he brought up, talking about not sure what happens in the future like saying he must focus on his kids and his art business (not a word about me being part of it at all) and also talked about whether he wants to be a confirmed bachelor or single, not married again, etc. He was like jumping all over emotionally and in thoughts. He also asked if we can just be together as steady couple only, not married again ever for the rest of our lives which I reminded him of our earlier discussion (before all of this has happened) regarding our views and beliefs as we both had the same conviction that common-law relationship wasn't what we were looking for since we're Christians. Anyway, I wasn't sure what to say or how to take it. That was why I asked him during that big discussion. Then I went back home, our contact has decreased somewhat since for over a week now. It's been more of me sending him one or two texting messages (usually, encouraging quotes, not much of personal comments) and sometimes he reply but most of the times, he didn't reply. I felt helpless and useless.

 

Logically, I know it's been over 3 weeks since his mom's passing and yet at the same time, emotionally-wise, it's scary and confusing for me 'cuz of the old fear that's back again and I'm still struggling with it. Earlier tonight on the video chat after one week of not seeing each other, we had a short and simple chat to catch up with the news. He didn't say that he misses me since the last video chat and I didn't tell him that either, even though I missed him 'cuz I was a bit afraid to open it up to tell him that. I had put up an emotional wall to protect myself a bit so I won't take this too hard and personally whenever he's not replying back to my text messages (personal comments). I just put up a front of being casual and lighthearted 'cuz I knew he didn't need to hear me pouring out my feelings and thoughts regarding the old fear and that he needs my support. Btw, in his text messages, he still close them with "xoxo" but I do wonder if it's automatic or still a tidbit of love from his heart? He hasn't said I love you's or anything like that, just simple xoxo.

 

Another thing is during my visit, we didn't make love that often, like every few days or so and they were short, not the usual kind we had before in both LDRs (last year's and recent one) which was understandable 'cuz of his mom who was dying and since his mom's passing, we didn't make love for a week and a half as I wasn't expecting any, then all in one day, out of blue and odd, I received messages from exbf (the one I dated for a few months last year after the breakup with my bf), saying he missed me and wanting me back (we already had the talk to close the unfinished business back in July), etc. then I also received messages from the local guy I ended the relationship with shortly before my bf's visit. It was a weird experience for me so I told my bf about it. He didn't say anything, just an expression of "oh, I see" then went back to his iPad. I didn't think anything of it and went back to reading the book. Then later on, I was tired and decided to hit the sack. Usually, he would be the first to go to bed and I'd go in about an hour or two later but this time, I was suddenly tired and told him that. He said he'll be there soon. I thought it was odd 'cuz it wasn't his bedtime yet. Shortly, he came in and surprised me with intense lovemaking. Then for the rest of the week of my stay, he was back to his "cold" self, not much affectionate again, being numb and all. I didn't know why or undy why.

 

Does any of you men know why? Please enlighten me!

 

What advices I'm seeking is what do I do with this stupid old fear (2nd breakup) that's bugging me emotionally and what other ways can I show my support beside encouraging quotes? Am I being overreacting (privately) about his behavior like being more distant with me lately since I came home? I know I sound silly but I don't know where to go to share this and receive advices/suggestions. Thank you for your patience to read this long story and also thanks in advance for your help! :^)

[creighton0123]

tl;dr (too long; don't read)

 

Can you please shorten it into a "This is what is roughly going on. Any input?"

 

Keep it under a paragraph :-)

[britonfrog]

Creighton0123 - hm, I'm not sure I undy what you mean. I thought I could share some history as to why I got the old fear back and in the position of being helpless and get the input...isn't this what it's supposed to be?

[britonfrog]

Btw, how do I edit the story above to shorten it? Thanks.

[TMichaels]

Btw, how do I edit the story above to shorten it? Thanks.

 

You can't. Theroretically, you have something like two hours to edit a post once it's posted to the board but if any responses are posted in the meantime your original post is "locked" and no longer "editable" by you.

 

I'd suggest you just use the copy function (ctrl-c) on your computer screen to grab the phrases or salient points from your original post you wish to include in a new (much more to-the-point message ) and create/paste (ctrl-v) those in a new post so others can respond.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[britonfrog]

Thanks, TMichaels...will do that! :^)

[britonfrog]

I just posted a new one. Now, how do I get this old one removed? Thanks.

[TMichaels]

I just posted a new one. Now, how do I get this old one removed? Thanks.

 

You can't.

 

Well, I suppose you can try contacting Admin and ask them to do so. Maybe they will/maybe they won't. But usually that only happens if the thread violates forum rules. Yours didn't -- it just "violated" conventional "netiquette."

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

P.S. You didn't need to create an entire new thread. You could have just made another posting to this one.

 

But to be honest, I'm not sure your second thread was any better than the first. Brevity is appreciated -- a wall of text is not. Most people don't have the time or patience to read and respond to lengthy posts.

Edited November 17, 2011 by TMichaels

[britonfrog]

Thanks for the tips, TMichaels. I appreciated it.