cabotine Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 My ex partner and I have been together for 18 months, I have worked so hard on the relationship.... he is nearly 40 and has only ever had one other previous girlfriend who he broke up with and that was 6 years ago. The issue through out the relationship has been about him being selfish with his time, too used to being on his own and letting someone else in to his space. Ever since the beginning he has told me how he finds relationships so hard and that is why he has avoided them for so long. He likes his own space, he likes his own company and routines and anyone else gets in the way. After about a year he broke up with me for the first time, citing that he did not want to be in a relationship because he could not commit and still liked his own space. At the time he said he didn;t yet love me and so he did not want to lead me on for another 2 years when he may never develop those feelings. After about a week we got back together after he came back and told me it was the biggest mistake of his life, I was the best thing that ever happened to him, he realised he did love me and could see a future. Then after 6 months; with me feeling like FINALLY everything is good...talking about the future, making plans, spending more time together...him saying that the longer he is with me the easier being in a relationship gets for him...he dumps me one night after a night out (when drunk) citing we are going on different paths...I will want marriage children and he cannot promise he may ever want these things and how that is unfair to me. He said he still loved me....but I am broken inside....its like I let my guard down and just as I finally thought I had found love ( I am nearly 29) he does this and its all over AGAIN! He called twice last week to see how I was going with other tough situations I am going through ( I also feel like he abandoned me when I most needed him)...and I havent heart from him in 5 days....THIS IS KILLING ME. I hate having NC but everyone is telling me I must stay strong. I live in a foreign country away from my family...I am in Australia they are in Canada and its so tough. Waking up is so tough. I keep thinking is it me is it me? Or does he have deeper issues...He said that his decision was impulsive but that all he knows is he can't keep breaking up with me. Now I feel because of the no contact like he is not even sad, he does not know how much I am hurt....thats why I want to text or get in touch....so tough! Please offer some advise...
gogarth Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 Cabotine, sorry to hear of your situation. I've had a similar situation in my life. Your ex is a classic commitment phobe - he can't commit to staying with you, and he can't commit to leaving you alone. He's almost 40, and given his past dating history, he will not likely change. Let him go. Don't waste any more of your time. I know the urge to stay in contact with an ex is overwhelming because deep down, we all want to feel validated, and nothing is more powerful than getting that from someone we love - especially in the form of a dumper coming back and professing his/her mistakes, etc. But - if you didn’t feel validated by him when you were in the relationship, the likelihood is that you’re unlikely to get validated by him when he’s out of it. This guy has callously cast you aside twice. Don't let him do it a third time. Trust me, he'll do it again if you let him.
geegirl Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 He's afraid of commitment. As gogarth said, he can't commit to having your nor can he commit to leaving you. The only way he can have you and for you to have a relationship with him is strictly on his terms. He won't change and you'll always be in a push and pull relationship with someone who cannot commit. It's not just about keeping NC now but using it to make a decision to let him go, even if he comes a calling. And trust me when he calls the third time, the outcome will be the same. He's 40 and stuck in his ways. He wants his freedom. He does not want to be tied down by kids and responsibilities. He's telling you want he wants for his life. Listen.
Author cabotine Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 Hi Guys, Thank you both for your advise...I think you get so caught up in it all that it's hard to get some perspective from an outsiders point of view. I think that's the whole part I am having problems with; moving on.....because he had established this pattern of coming back, I expected it this time but after nearly a week of NC, I am beginning to realise he probably won't this time. Like you said, he doesn't know what he wants but he can't keep doing this and each time will be worse. This time is far worse than before. He had just bought a new house; an impulsive decision without selling his existing house and he basically said that he needed to make that his priority....even though he was talking about us being together in this new house....then all of a sudden it was just an investment....a step up; nothing to do with me. I am still in love with him which really sucks but I need to just walk away with dignity.
Author cabotine Posted November 21, 2011 Author Posted November 21, 2011 So he called last night....I perhaps shouldn't have picked up but I did....he still doesn't know what he wants, he's having second thoughts AGAIN...he is a classic commitment phobe but I have a feeling that it is going to be up to me to break the cycle as I don't think he will change....I dont even think he knows he has an issue! Its weird being in the position where I thought I had no control over the situation and now I realise I have all the control, because he will come back.....
flow15 Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 Cabotine... I have been through exactly this. but not just twice... 5 TIMES!! You think every time they come back they're gonna change, but they won't... this is the way they are. They can't commit, and they keep coming back because we let them and because they don't know what they want. I let my ex come back to me time and time again, because I kept making excuses for him... saying he was confused, and scared... But if he really loved me, if he really wanted to be with me... he wouldn't wanna lose me, he would never have dumped me the first time, let alone the fifth! So please don't let what happened to me happen to you... you have a chance now to end it all. Cut off all contact, tell him to not contact you again and ignore him, block him from everything because he will NEVER change. Its hard to accept, but you must listen. Take the control back, don't let him pull you and push you in and out of his life... end this once and for all. You will feel a whole lot better trust me.
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