Sweets22 Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 So, my ex fiance (2.5 weeks post break up/2 months before our wedding) and I have been trying to go low contact. We had been seeing each other and it was just messing my world up, so its been 8 days since we've seen each other's faces. Its been hard, and the first few brought a lot of negativity out of both of us. We decided to try to go LC the other day and only speak when needed and positively. I've been doing a TON of looking within. He had recently brought up my control issues, not at all as a reason we split, as I was NEVER malicious in my control and very loving and giving...just issues I have with manipulation and control due to my abandonment issues from the death of my parents and my childhood. At first I was denying this issue, but I have really started walking the steps toward healing and it feels pretty good. We spoke tonight and I feel really good about our conversation. He called to talk to my daughter tonight, who is missing him like crazy and hasn't seen him in 3 weeks, and after we had this convo via text. Me: Liv said talking to you made her feel really good. Him: That's so nice to hear Me: We just miss you so much. She has a sadness looming over her, too. We're just not the same. Him: I miss you both dearly. Looming sadness. That's a good way to describe what I'm feeling as well. Me: Ya, I smile and laugh and go about my day, but inside me is a lump of sadness that grows everyday. I'm adjusting to you being gone, but the sadness looms... Him: I'm glad/sad to hear that you're adjusting to me being gone. I knew it would happen, but it hurts nonetheless. Me: Not in the comforting sense. Its no longer a feeling I can't bear when I walk in and you're gone, but it hurts just the same. I reached for you the other night in my sleep. When I woke up, I realized you weren't here and cried and cried. I'm not sure that's adjustment. I guess my tears are less frequent and my sorrow isn't as heavy. day by day.. Him: The part about reaching out for me in your sleep made me cry. I'm sorry for hurting you like this. I can't imagine how bad it hurts. I listened to (a song we both know) and just sobbed uncontrollably... Me: I can't handle the thought of you crying..please don't cry. It does hurt..worse than anything I've known. I hurts beyond what I can explain to others. But I know it hurts you, too, and at least we're together in our sorrow. Him: I'll try not to cry, but I know I will fail miserably. I almost asked if you guys wanted to drive up here (we're 45 minutes apart) and we could eat at (our favorite restaurant), but I knew it would be too late for Liv on a school night. Me: I thought the same thought earlier, but I'm trying so hard not to push myself onto you. I'm trying to learn about myself and how to handle grief so maybe I can get past my need to need. I'm trying to make the best of this. I feel like I've been given an opportunity that I now understand. I wish you were next to me to watch me evolve, I wish I could watch you grow, too. Him: Ya I wish I would have asked right away. I'm glad that you've found something positive out of this. That's pretty big of you. You are an amazing woman. Me: Just know that I will get better. I've never had a wake up call like this before. You're right about my manipulation and control. I feel its not fair to use my past as an excuse for my future anymore. Not fair to you or Liv, but especially me. I don't want to survive, I want to live. I want the same for you, too. I'm not that amazing, I'm in love with a man who gave me the gift of honesty. I hope you found some footing and courage from telling me the things about myself you thought would hurt me too much to hear, because it was probably the best thing anyone has ever done for me. Him: I'm so glad to hear that. It was difficult to say, because I love you more than you will ever know. And I truly mean that. It may sound like nothing more than hollow words, especially because of all of this, but its the truth. I want you to be truly happy, and confident in the beautiful woman you are inside and out. Me: I'm still hurting and lost in this sorrow, but I feel like I'm going to grow substantially and that I'm going to be the woman you hope I become, but not for you - for me. Which I guess is basically the same, since I know for sure that you do want the best for me. I also feel the the love we have for each other is so substantial and true, that space and sadness can't diminish it. On top of that, I have been trying to focus on the fact that we are 2 broken people. We found, in each other, someone to help us with our pieces, help us carry the load, but I've realized in the last week that I want my pieces to be glued back together and you are not the person to do it. I don't think we need to wait until we're 100% to find each other again. I think growth together could be amazing, but focusing on ourselves is where we should be right now. So hard to type that, but you need to find your glue. You need to piece yourself together and become the beautiful, strong, self assured man I KNOW you can be. You're lovely and you've got all the ingredients to be the absolute best man on earth. Mix them up and become him. Him: Thank you for that. So true. And beautifully written, as always. I love you, Sweetheart. I need to stop crying for a bit. Give Liv and the babies (our cats) my love. HOLY CRAP!! I feel SOO good after this conversation. Not good like he's going to take me back, horray! But good like I grew and found courage to say the things that I was too afraid to say and acknowledge that, while this relationship was beautiful and healthy for its entirety, WE as individuals were not and it hurt US. I feel motivated by honesty and I hope that everyone can find a path to their own truth. I have confidence that our love with prevail, but I also have confidence that I will be ok if it doesn't.
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