pollos Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 Hello, I've been reading here for a little while and decided to sign up and start my own thread regarding the "spark". I'm 27 and my ex gf is 25, we were together for nearly four years. She dumped me with another guy in the picture. She didn't physically cheat but emotionally she was. She dumped me and told me she no longer felt that spark between us anymore. We broke up in June and her rebound guy has gone back to his ex. They had a strong spark, but I guess it quickly fanned out. I was in no contact for three straight months and decided to call her. We talked awhile, met up, had a good time together and have since been hanging out about three days sometimes more a week and talk about 6 days a week for the last few weeks. It's been awesome spending time with her and I know she feels the same. We've talked about things and she says, she'd like to hang out and see if the "spark" comes back. We both have reconnected as friends immediately as if nothing happened, we get along great. She says she doesn't want to hang out with anyone else (that's male) except for me. That she hopes it does work out between us, that she misses us. So I ask, and I'm looking for feedback from people who have been in long term 3-4+ year relationships for info here. Sorry, I just want to here from real experienced people who have been there and done that in serious long term relationships/marriages. Does the "spark" come back? Is the spark even really neccesary?? Doesn't it just fade out after time anyway? I feel at the end of the day, communication, friendship, compatibility and there being some physical attraction is most important and is what makes a relationship work for the long haul. This has been my longest relationship so I don't really know that for sure. I've read up a lot about it and I see mixed opinions. But I don't know any of their backgrounds either. For those that have been through this and it work out with the two of you, how did you get the spark to come back? Any help and info would be greatly appreciated, thank you for reading.
norajane Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 I feel at the end of the day, communication, friendship, compatibility and there being some physical attraction is most important and is what makes a relationship work for the long haul. Yes, of course - that is what helps make a relationship work long term. However, you do need a little of that magical spark that makes you both feel a little extra special when you are together. That spark can fade and flare, fade and flare, throughout the course of a relationship. There are "good times and bad" in life. Working through the bad together can often cause the spark to flare. But those are mature relationships, with people who are committed to each other and don't just walk away and turn to other people at random times. People who do things like that are more into the drama - and the spark created by the drama - than they are interested in a mature relationship. You'd know better than us what kind of relationship you and she are capable of having.
Author pollos Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 Thanks norajane. Pollos Get out. You will never feel confident in a relationship with that woman. Forget all the 'spark' talk. It's a way of avoiding the reality. You are more dependent on her than she is on you. The fact that you are even asking this question shows that you REALLY know the situation and it is not a relatioinshiop of equals but of you HOPING to win her back. Move on in life. You seem a decent guy and deserve better. Stay in that relationship and you will become more and more pathetic. I don't feel i need her or am dependent on her and I'm not sure I could ever be with her again. I told her, even if she was like pollos, I want you, I want to start over again, I love you. I would tell her no, we both are not ready for that. If something is to happen with us it wouldn't be anytime soon. I've never been through this before, and I want to hang out with her and learn from this myself. But I am curious if people did particular things to create that spark and I'm genuinely curious if that spark truly matters. It seems like it's something that can bring you together but it fades and isn't a real reason as to why the relationship lasts. To be honest, I think I will end up walking away from this situation sooner rather than later, but I'm enjoying seeing her right now and I'm learning as I go.
carhill Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 Does the "spark" come back?We each describe 'spark' differently. To myself, that is an impulsion, a 'pull', to connect with a person at an elemental level. It's more of a feeling than anything else. IMO, each of us is an individual and, with that said, IME, 'it' has never returned for myself. That's three LTR's and one ten year M. Is the spark even really neccesary?? Doesn't it just fade out after time anyway?Again, it depends on how 'spark' is defined, but using my definition, for myself, it's something which delineates a romantic/intimate relationship from a friendship and should exist always, in varying levels. For myself, until I saw clearly that my exW didn't want to be married to me, I felt that elemental 'pull', even through tough times. I feel at the end of the day, communication, friendship, compatibility and there being some physical attraction is most important and is what makes a relationship work for the long haul. You're evidently describing 'spark' as something unrelated to the above. That's good information about your 'style'. The combination of the above is the essence of how I describe 'spark'. Standing alone, each aspect might not elicit that feeling but, combined, such forms an elemental connection, which is my definition. If that matches up with the other person's truth, then there is potential for a long-term union. If other, other.
Author pollos Posted November 17, 2011 Author Posted November 17, 2011 Thanks for the reply. I look at the spark like it's what makes you nervous and gives you those butterflies before you meet. What gets you excited to see the other person. That's why I lean towards it will always fade out. What's left is your connection, friendship, etc. And those are the things that truly matter. I think people crave that butterfly/excited feeling you get and when you no longer have it and meet someone new that makes you feel similar to it, they'll jump ship. Which is pretty immature, but what can you do? Thanks again.
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