Why Im against NC. Tell me what you think?

[sadbh]

Brief summary of my break-up: 5 years, no issues, no arguments. He ended it very suddenly as he didn't feel the same and felt our relationship had run its course. I was left heartbroken and very much against his decision but respect it because I feel that if you truely love something you need to do what makes them happy.

That was two weeks ago and both of us have discussed NC but decided against it and instead are trying to stay friends.

 

Heart-crushing aside, we parted on very good terms. We're very very close and have always had a great friendship from when we first met. Each of us obviously still cares about the other and I know I only want whats best for him and what makes him happy, and I know he feels the same for me. Just because the love is gone doesn't mean theres no feeling left. We went through a hell of a lot together and theres no way Im giving up the best ever friend I've ever had for anything.

He may have broken my heart but I simply can't tell myself that he's a bad person or someone I want out of my life. To me thats such a waste when I can take this experience, learn from it and come out the other end keeping a great friend, someone I have a great time with and who truely cares about me. And if you care about someone that much and have shared so much happiness together do you really ever want them to be a stranger? To me it just seems wrong.

 

As well as that, we've agreed to help and support each other through this. Why would anyone give that up to go it alone? He's agreed to be a shoulder to cry on, as one of the very few people in my life I feel I can express my honest feelings to and talk about anything with. And Im doing the same for him. After all he is going through this break-up too and its still hard even for the dumper.

 

Yes it hurts to still want him so badly and be around him but deep down I've accepted this break-up and I know we'll never get back to where we used to be. So I am really trying and learning to get back to being his best friend again.

 

So far this has been the perfect solution for both of us and is working out great. Its only been two weeks but I feel like Im moving on already. Having his support makes me feel like I'm going to come out the other side and be okay. And even if I relapse (which is very possible) he's still there to pick up the pieces.

 

As for when we start to get involved with other people; I know it'll be a while for both of us and its something we've been able to discuss already (all because of no NC!). So I do know, and always will, where he stands on seeing new people. Its much better than not knowing and wondering if he might be out this very second with someone knew and when the time comes that he is I'll see it coming because we'll have kept each other up to date. Hopefully by then I wont need him as much anyway.(Again, yes it will hurt when he starts talking about new girls in his life but again wouldn't you rather know and have him say it directly to you than find out by creeping on facebook?!)

 

I know pretty much 99% of people on here insist NC is the way to go but I wanted to share my experience of going the opposite way. When I first joined this site made me feel like NC was the only way to go but Im glad I made the decision for myself and hope this helps anyone who still wants to be friends with an ex.

 

What do you guys think? Does anyone else have an experience of trying to keep in contact to share? Did it work for you in the long run and why?

[ChelseaLS]

Brief summary of my break-up: 5 years, no issues, no arguments. He ended it very suddenly as he didn't feel the same and felt our relationship had run its course. I was left heartbroken and very much against his decision but respect it because I feel that if you truely love something you need to do what makes them happy.

That was two weeks ago and both of us have discussed NC but decided against it and instead are trying to stay friends.

 

Heart-crushing aside, we parted on very good terms. We're very very close and have always had a great friendship from when we first met. Each of us obviously still cares about the other and I know I only want whats best for him and what makes him happy, and I know he feels the same for me. Just because the love is gone doesn't mean theres no feeling left. We went through a hell of a lot together and theres no way Im giving up the best ever friend I've ever had for anything.

He may have broken my heart but I simply can't tell myself that he's a bad person or someone I want out of my life. To me thats such a waste when I can take this experience, learn from it and come out the other end keeping a great friend, someone I have a great time with and who truely cares about me. And if you care about someone that much and have shared so much happiness together do you really ever want them to be a stranger? To me it just seems wrong.

 

As well as that, we've agreed to help and support each other through this. Why would anyone give that up to go it alone? He's agreed to be a shoulder to cry on, as one of the very few people in my life I feel I can express my honest feelings to and talk about anything with. And Im doing the same for him. After all he is going through this break-up too and its still hard even for the dumper.

 

Yes it hurts to still want him so badly and be around him but deep down I've accepted this break-up and I know we'll never get back to where we used to be. So I am really trying and learning to get back to being his best friend again.

 

So far this has been the perfect solution for both of us and is working out great. Its only been two weeks but I feel like Im moving on already. Having his support makes me feel like I'm going to come out the other side and be okay. And even if I relapse (which is very possible) he's still there to pick up the pieces.

 

As for when we start to get involved with other people; I know it'll be a while for both of us and its something we've been able to discuss already (all because of no NC!). So I do know, and always will, where he stands on seeing new people. Its much better than not knowing and wondering if he might be out this very second with someone knew and when the time comes that he is I'll see it coming because we'll have kept each other up to date. Hopefully by then I wont need him as much anyway.(Again, yes it will hurt when he starts talking about new girls in his life but again wouldn't you rather know and have him say it directly to you than find out by creeping on facebook?!)

 

I know pretty much 99% of people on here insist NC is the way to go but I wanted to share my experience of going the opposite way. When I first joined this site made me feel like NC was the only way to go but Im glad I made the decision for myself and hope this helps anyone who still wants to be friends with an ex.

 

What do you guys think? Does anyone else have an experience of trying to keep in contact to share? Did it work for you in the long run and why?

 

You make some very valid otherside of NC points. I am not NC, I am LC (we work together). However I think it takes a certain type of personality to stay friends, and the relationship had to been a certain way too. There is no way in hell I could be friends with my ex... it would be like salt in the wound every day, because I love him so much, but can't be with him.

 

I want the best for him and I have told him that. I also know he could be out there right now with someone new... thats his choice, I could be doing the same (I am merely not ready).

 

NC helps heal is the general idea and I suppose the idea of being buddies with an ex would slow the healing process. Once again I think it all depends on the relationship that was had and the two people involved. I have one ex I am still friends with... but my current ex, not a chance. It would break my heart over and over again each day.

 

So in short, I think it could work for some people in some situations.

[sadbh]

Oh I totaly agree NC is definitely best in alot of cases and can really help someone to heal. I've never had the experience but seeing friends relationships fall apart and seeing how badly some of them have been treated I'd be pretty dissapointed with them if they kept those people in their lives.

 

Im merely sharing my experience as when I joined this site I felt like NC was advised and pushed in nearly every thread I read. It made me feel like I was doing the wrong thing by talking to him but then when I tried not to I'd feel even worse not only because he couldnt be there for me but because I couldnt comfort him either.

So my reason for starting this thread was to show that if you feel like you can do it and its right for you its okay to go the opposite way to NC or even have LC like you do.

 

And dont get me wrong it is really really hard to accept the fact that now Im just a friend and I'll never be anything more no matter how much I miss it and want it. But I dont want to lose someone who can still be one of my best friends and I feel like that pain is alot easier to handle than trying to pretend he doesnt exist.

[hikaru]

And dont get me wrong it is really really hard to accept the fact that now Im just a friend and I'll never be anything more no matter how much I miss it and want it. But I dont want to lose someone who can still be one of my best friends and I feel like that pain is alot easier to handle than trying to pretend he doesnt exist.

 

It's not about pretending he doesn't exist, it's about focusing on your life, and enjoying things without him. If you keep him around, it'll take that much longer to get over him. Say he meets someone and you still have feelings for him? How much worse do you think you'd feel then? It's not like you can't come back and revisit the friendship after you've healed and moved on emotionally. It's not like you want to forget about him, you just want to forget about the pain, and move on emotionally. The friendship will still be there when you're ready for it.

[sadbh]

But thats the thing, I feel like I need his friendship and support in order to move on. As I said we're very close and to be honest he's the only person in my life I feel like I can really talk to and be open with about my feelings.

And so far its working. Its only been two weeks but Im starting to feel comfortable with the idea of being friends and it gets better every day.

I am taking a while getting used to spending time alone but Im terrified of being lonely. Im still moving on with my life, shifting the focus to other things and spending a hell of a lot less time talking to him.

As for someone new? I constantly remind myself that thats going to happen at some stage and Im trying to be ready. But right now while we both heal I know he wants to be alone and when that changes he'll let me know and I can prepare myself when we get there. It'll definitely be a long time though and I feel like I'll most likely be feeling alot more healed and hopefully I'll be okay with it. If not and I really cant handle it I can focus on trying to put the friendship aside. Its like a weaning process for me.

[confused kitty]

I defenitly agree that it depends on the situation each individual is in...

 

Im staying friends with my ex, he ended it due to personal problems hes having in his life right now and feels he isnt able to give me what I/our relationship deserve right now - all his feelings are still there for me he says I still mean the world to him and he loves me more than anything and promises me that Im the only one for him and one day Il have ALL of him again, he says his heart is already mine and always will be..

 

Yes it hurts that we are not together romantically right now but he is truly my best friend and have never felt such a connection with anyone before, i can openly and honestly talk to him about anything and everything - and theres no way Id be able to turn my back on him, Id rather have him in my life as a friend than not have him in it at all.

 

And we've spoken about moving on, he says if I meet someone else he'l be hurt but he knows thats the risk he took when he ended our relationship, he says when hes ready to be in a relationship again its going to be with me, he has absaloutley no interest in finding someone else.

 

Id like to add that I tryed NC twice and I was totally miserable, it was bad enough losing my BF but I wasnt (and still am not) willing to lose my best friend aswell.

 

Who knows what the future holds but I honestly feel deep down we will be together again someday, we're hanging out on Friday as friends, it will be the first time seeing each other since the BU - yes it will be difficult not to get physical with him but we'l just see how it goes....

[Sugarkane]

That's great and all but what are you going to do when one if you moves in first? If they move in first, you feel like the third wheel. They quickly forget all about you, when they're in the honeymoon stage with someone else. What if you meet someone first? How would he feel if you're best friends with an ex? How would you like it if you were dating someone abd they eternal best friends with an ex? I've only seen this work on Seinfield, never in real life. Not once.

[Sugarkane]

They always say that they don't want to meet anyone else. But the dumper always moved on first.

[confused kitty]

Well Ive tryed NC and both of us agreed we couldnt do it, we have never played mind games with eachother and arent prepared to start now.

 

Like I said at the start of my post it doesnt work for everyone and depends on the circumstances and individuals involved, yes its a risk for sure but one Im willing to take, for now anyway and see how it goes from there, whatever happens Il handle it along the way.

 

Im sure plenty of people on here wont agree, just like yourself, but its something Im willing to try and I think NC would only make my situation worse...

 

....Let the lecturing begin!!!!

[M2155]

I think your post title is like you're carrying some torch for anti-NC or you're both in denial and haven't really broken. NC is really just moving on, it doesn't mean someone is a bad person or shouldn't be part of your life IMO. There is no reason two people who have things in common and no emotional attachment should not be friends. Most people who are seriously emotionally entwined cannot get over each other by staying emotionally entwined. Maybe in your case you are not.

I've rarely ever avoided contact with an ex and for the most part (until recently) they've been fairly "good" breakups. But I didn't stick around pushing friendship either, it just happened in time as we each found our independent-selves again.

[CocoaBrown]

I'm sorry what does NC and LC mean?

[confused kitty]

M2155 Im not pushing to be friends, its something we both agreed on, we both said NC wouldnt work for us and we've discussed it several times. Im not disagreeing with NC I just think personally in this particular situation Im in this is the better option right now, but that could change and thats ok too.

 

CocoBrown - NC means no contact, LC means low contact

[lymtal1]

chelsea has got it right (which is most of the time:). it is very much about the individuals and the relationship itself. it has to be a very special situation or they are in a particular situation (i.e. work together etc), that calls for l/c.

 

as she stated most are looking to heal from the ex as there is so much emotion that exists it is not possible to continue contact. this is most evident when the dumpee is hopelessly still in love and connected to the ex. it is not a healthy situation for them to continue. very much like dangling a carrot and knowing that it can not be gotten. just puts you in a very vulnerable situation and can ultimately prolong the pain that is real.

 

can see the other side but in special situations. and by the way i am glad that you are able to be in this special situation as your pain i am guessing is not as bad as others. however, i could be wrong just hoping this is not the case.

[wilsonx]

But thats the thing, I feel like I need his friendship and support in order to move on. As I said we're very close and to be honest he's the only person in my life I feel like I can really talk to and be open with about my feelings.

And so far its working. Its only been two weeks but Im starting to feel comfortable with the idea of being friends and it gets better every day.

I am taking a while getting used to spending time alone but Im terrified of being lonely. Im still moving on with my life, shifting the focus to other things and spending a hell of a lot less time talking to him.

As for someone new? I constantly remind myself that thats going to happen at some stage and Im trying to be ready. But right now while we both heal I know he wants to be alone and when that changes he'll let me know and I can prepare myself when we get there. It'll definitely be a long time though and I feel like I'll most likely be feeling alot more healed and hopefully I'll be okay with it. If not and I really cant handle it I can focus on trying to put the friendship aside. Its like a weaning process for me.

 

I did not read anything but the title... The first post doesnt matter. Its a bunch of words put together. I was looking for keywords and I found them here.

 

I was looking for the words I NEED and I knew I would find them in the beginning of a post somewhere. This is a huge co dependency trait. People that are co dependent often mistake love with need. One of the biggest human desires is the need to be important. Now that you no longer feel important as his girlfriend, you are going to sacrifice your value and emotional state so that you can feel important as his friend. I'm going to be bluntly honest its not going to work, hes going to move on and in 2-3 years you are going to be posting in the coping section "Why am I not over my ex, I dont understand" Its because you did not follow the basic principles of breaking up, NC. You never severed that emotional connection.

 

In the end this is your choice but you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt that you have yet to imagine. A couple things are going to happen.

 

1) There is going to be someone else if there already isnt right now

2) Hes going to fall off the planet and you are going to be like what the **** just happened where did he go

 

Light Contact is for people that do not have the courage to let go. You can sit here and type a thesis paper on it and defend it, in the end the problem still exists, you still have feelings for your ex and they have moved on.

[PositiveNegative]

I agree with Wilson in saying that you are only going to hurt a lot more when this all falls apart. From your posts it really does seem like you are co-dependent.

 

"And even if I relapse (which is very possible) he's still there to pick up the pieces."

 

Do you know how unhealthy this sounds? An alcoholic doesn't cure his alcoholism by drinking more alcohol! This man has broken your heart and when you cry about him you actually want him there to say "Sorry I broke your heart, but you'll be better!" and pat you on the back? You don't need him. This whole thread seems like a way for you to convince yourself that this is the right thing to do.

 

You know, I had a "good" break up too. We were best friends, we connected on a "deeper" level than any of my friends and I. And you know what? She begged me to be friends with her, and I was, for 4 hours. Then I realized that I would just be giving her exactly what she wanted, that I have more worth than that. You are easing his guilt, don't take his proclamations of "waiting" as promise.

 

It's only two weeks out, so maybe you should just take some time to yourself and reevaluate your situation.

[monkey00]

I think it's okay to be friends if you are truly able to move on to a fulfilling life with a new SO. If you are unable to and cling onto the past, then staying friends is not the best idea. Normally I feel the case for staying friends would be that you are each other's backup plan in the long-run if things in the short-run do not work out with a new partner.

 

When my ex broke up with me she insisted we stay friends. I hesitate at first, but eventually gave in...because I didn't want to be a jerk. If I wanted to I would even tell her let's do NC. I think right now things are okay and I haven't really been looking to date anyone else, but if I were want to move on and date again...I would not let the idea of 'false hope' hold me back just because we are friends. What's done is done, sometimes it can be fixed and often times it cannot. I always find male-female friendships pretty useless anyway.

 

Honestly though you claim both of you are promising to be there for each other when it gets rough. But when either of you truly move on and find someone new, in the most cases the friendship is doomed. Plus it would be unfair to the new partner because your friendship would be emotional cheating.

[sadbh]

Woah woah woah! Guys, the reason I started this thread was to find like-minded people who could share some positive opinions and experiences of friendships with exes. Isnt the whole point of this site to support each other and share opinions?! Enough of the lectures!

 

M2155; the thread title implies that I want to sharea PERSONAL account of why its not for me, hence the word 'I'm', and hopefullly hear from others who have tried it to get some perspective as to whether or not a friendship could last. Im not trying to rally the troops and bring down NC altogether.

NC in most cases I've read about just makes those involved act as though their ex never existed. Why would anyone want to do that after parting on good terms? I certainly don't but then again its an OPINION.

Yes I am emotionaly entwined, I'll admit, but Im learning to 'untwine' as every dumpee must when a realtionship ends whether theres a friendship there afterwards or not. Deep down I really truely have accepted his decision and I know I have to get over my feelings for him so thats what Im doing.

And friendship is not something Im pushing. We've discussed it at length and we've agreed on it together. Why would he agree to a friendship if he didnt want one? He already broke my heart so obviously hes not afraid to hurt me with honesty.

 

Wilsonx; Yes I do need him and I've needed him since our relationship began. Im not afraid to admit that and I think alot of people who use NC are denying themselves that fact. And its not that I need him because I've mistaken that for love, its because we've been through ALOT together and he's been a constant support for me for me for a huge portion of my life.

I don't need to feel like Im an important part of his life I just want him to continue to be a friend and someone I can trust and rely on. And thats exactly how I feel about the other important people in my life.

And if I chose to cut him off I'd be sacificing my emotional state and value (by losing someone who cares about me) anyway?

I've not severed the emotional connection completely and nobody whose been broken up with does that immediately. Just because your ex doesnt love you anymore doesn't automatically mean you feel nothing anymore in return. It takes time to sever the connections, friendship or not.

No there isn't anybody else involved on either end yet and he hasnt moved on already and is actually having a hard time doing so aswell (something Im sure of because we still talk and are FRIENDS).

 

You could be right and maybe it wont work but again thats the reason I started the thread, so people who have tried it could share and I'd get a perspective as to whether it always fails or what circumstances you need to make it work.

You are right that I dont have the courage or desire to let go entirely. And yes I obviously still have feelings for him. Because I was against the decision to break up. But I'm also working on letting go and turning our relationship into something new. Personally I feel like I could potentially get there if we do this together and thats something he understands and has agreed to. Its working for me so this is the choice that I've made and the chance Im willing to take.

And hey, if I am still here in 2-3 years at least I'll help someone else by serving as the example I came here looking for in the first place.

 

PositiveNegative; I'll admit I need him. As I said before no dumpee automatically stops needing or wanting their ex, its all part of the pain!

And actually I'd use alcoholics as a positive example of my situation here. Often alcoholics are slowly weaned off their addiction because the shock cold turkey would cause to their bodies can be fatal. So more alcohol (in constantly decreasing quantities) is actually more effective than cutting them off entirely. And thats exactly what Im doing. Im too weak for cold turkey so Im weaning! Ever had a bloody mary the morning after to keep the hangover at bay? My point exactly!

 

Monkey00; I am in no way clinging on to the past. I've accepted this and 100% understand that things have to be different between us now. Im not sure I could re-enter the relationship and feel entirely secure ever again after all this. So yes whats done is done and Im dealing with that by moving forward and never looking back.

My point is that when there are new people in both of our lives we'll hopefully have gotten to a stage where we're completely comfortable with being just friends and our feelings for each other will be nothin more than that.

Before we got together he had a girlfriend and even though I had feelings for him then I dealt with it and focused on being a friend to him. I got through that even though it was difficult so why can't I do it again?

And in the future neither of us plans to be such close friends that we're practically joined at the hip or anything. Obviously we cant be that close again so there wont be anything that could potentialy be unfair to any future partners.

[immitable]

dear sadbh,

 

sorry for your loss and I must say that you are in denial big time. It is okay to be friends with your ex if there are no romantic feelings involved at all. Denial is good in the initial stage of the breakup becuase it helps us deal with the loss, otherwise the suicide rate would be much higher.

 

If you still have feelings for him, go NC please.

[M2155]

sadbh, I was referring to how the title sounded. I'm not necessarily for/against NC, I just don't think friendship works so soon after a BU. You do sound in denial IMO and you aren't really "broken" if you're this dependent on him emotionally. It's not platonic, might not be romantic, but it's not platonic.

 

Like I said, I'm friends with a couple exes but it was only after time. You still have feelings (and for all we know he's in deinal too) and it's nearly impossible, regardless of how much you accept the situation, to think of him strictly on a platonic level and forgetting your romantic history. You have been something different for too long to next day change your relationship completely. That takes time. So over time he might distance himself and like WilsonX said, you'll be wondering WTF. I think it CAN happen, but usually when you've been drifting apart for a long time (i.e. "roommates") already and feelings are gone.

 

Good luck.

[fallenenvy]

Although i think that NC is often a good tool to help people heal i will agree that it isn't always for everyone or every situation

 

My ex still lives here (its been over 2 years since the end). At first it was hard and we did help each other.. and when he first started seeing ppl i was kinda sad but glad that he was honest about it. Now.. 2 years later.. its about 98% perfect. Hes chatting with a new girl... and i have a bf... and yes.. time to time i look at him and wonder if we could've worked it out.. but then i think.. wow.. we make such better friends than we ever did dating.

 

If being on terms with the guy helps you then all the power to you. just know its not particularly common for that to be the case.