Long Lost Loves and As...

[findingnemo]

Thank God for Steve Jobs and his iPad and the Google guys for...well Google. Out of sheer boredom while waiting to see a client, I googled "Reunited Lovers". I've been going crazy wondering why the heck I can't stop loving a certain man (first my bf and eventually xMM). Although we aren't having an A, we do business together and speak all the time. He tells me he loves me still and I tell him the same. Most of our conversations are business oriented but once in a while... There is no sex talk or anything graphic. Just "I love you" and variations there of. So I wondered if I was either childish, stupid or both and googled to check.

 

Anyway, there is a growing phenomenon where people fall in love at an early age and go through life still loving that person. Usually the R ended prematurely for whatever reason and the people involved move on to marry another and have families. A long time later (and because of Classmates.com, FB and other social sites) people find the old love and start communicating. Some reconnect 20, 30, and even 40 years later.

 

The pertinent things about this is that most times the people involved are M and end up having As with the Long Lost Love or just Lost Love (LL). In these types of As, a good number of them get Ds and marry their APs. You can read some stories on the link below:

 

http://www.lostlovers.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=forum;f=13

 

Needless to say, the fallout resulting from the As is just as devastating for the BS'. But reconnecting with a LL invariably results in an A. It's almost impossible to resist. Is it possible therefore that some of the As we see fit this profile? Anybody been there, done that? Or perhaps you know of a couple which had this dynamic? I'm thinking that this may be the reason I had an A with xMM and that perhaps is also the reason why NC just doesn't work for me.

 

Anybody with a view on this?

Edited November 15, 2011 by findingnemo

[MissBee]

I'm sure some As do fit that profile.

 

The idea of a lost love can be deceptive though IMO, as we grow and change so much overtime, and sometimes we're in love with who that person was at the time or when we get together the synergy of nostalgia promotes that relationship and not the current time.

 

For this reason I'm not much into lost love, as for me, I feel like most relationships that end, end for a reason and you grow beyond that person usually. It's not that they are bad or anything of the sort, you just have changed, so your memories of them are fond, and that can promote you wanting that back....and of course that reminiscing has a power but I feel for the most part, when I link up with old exes, I am not as into them as I used to be.

 

I think it is rare in general that someone you were with in former times is someone you end up together with again (in the Breaks and Breaking Up Section there are so many hoping for this and get upset and are in denial when people say most relationships that end end permanently...they then try to cite stories of people who got back together and marry etc...but no one said it was impossible, just not common). So in that same vein, I am sure there are some As of this nature, I wonder how they pan out though? As in, do most really find they are better off with this old lover...or does it wear off too? I think what happens too is that if you're dissatisfied in your relationship, it is easier for you to start an A with someone you're already familiar with and have fond memories of versus starting a completely new romance...I do think some people fall into the nostalgia and talking about old times and seeming like no time has passed and that probably promotes those feelings of romance a lot quicker than with a stranger.

 

In the grand scheme of As, is this old flame A a large portion though? I don't know but it doesn't seem so.

[findingnemo]

In principle, I agree with you. It is not common for people to love a high school sweetheart, break up, spend 30 years apart and reconnect to have a good R. Who would want to do that? It sounds tedious and unreal, right?

 

This Dr. Nancy somebody did a study of these people - those who reconnected and got M, those that are still searching for LL and those in As. What amazed me about the stories was not whether or not they ended up together or good for each other. It was common that they knew from the get go that they'd love this person forever. Remember that most of these connections are made in high school or college. They break up but the parties reported always loving that person and thinking about them everyday for X number of years.

 

It is easier to have a R with someone familiar. And As of this nature are rare. But I tell you, I'm relieved that I'm not the only one in the whole wide world who found, loved the one and lost him. I'm obviously not the only one who can love continuously for years a person I'll probably never have. The sad reality is that there rarely is a happy ending in these situations. It also helps to know that there is an explanation for the strong pull I felt to get into an A. For too long I've been thinking that there's something fundamentally wrong with me since most As are with new people.

[spice4life]

Thank God for Steve Jobs and his iPad and the Google guys for...well Google. Out of sheer boredom while waiting to see a client, I googled "Reunited Lovers". I've been going crazy wondering why the heck I can't stop loving a certain man (first my bf and eventually xMM). Although we aren't having an A, we do business together and speak all the time. He tells me he loves me still and I tell him the same. Most of our conversations are business oriented but once in a while... There is no sex talk or anything graphic. Just "I love you" and variations there of. So I wondered if I was either childish, stupid or both and googled to check.

 

Anyway, there is a growing phenomenon where people fall in love at an early age and go through life still loving that person. Usually the R ended prematurely for whatever reason and the people involved move on to marry another and have families. A long time later (and because of Classmates.com, FB and other social sites) people find the old love and start communicating. Some reconnect 20, 30, and even 40 years later.

 

The pertinent things about this is that most times the people involved are M and end up having As with the Long Lost Love or just Lost Love (LL). In these types of As, a good number of them get Ds and marry their APs. You can read some stories on the link below:

 

http://www.lostlovers.com/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=forum;f=13

 

Needless to say, the fallout resulting from the As is just as devastating for the BS'. But reconnecting with a LL invariably results in an A. It's almost impossible to resist. Is it possible therefore that some of the As we see fit this profile? Anybody been there, done that? Or perhaps you know of a couple which had this dynamic? I'm thinking that this may be the reason I had an A with xMM and that perhaps is also the reason why NC just doesn't work for me.

 

Anybody with a view on this?

 

This theory could coinside (sp?) With the first love syndrome. There was a study done that determined a first love can be a part of one's DNA because it usually happens during youth when a person is still growing. If there is a heart break during this "growth" period, it is an injury to ones heart and it leaves an impression (an inprint) that becomes a part of you. The theory states that if a person meets up with their first love years later, it sparks off a reaction that they may mistake as a long lost love. The reaction is strong and chemical making it very hard to resist. It could be why social media has had such an impact in this area - people are easier to track down now. However, if one can get past the chemical stage they usually find that the relationship ended for a reason and does again for the very same reason.

 

Just some thoughts.

[East7]

hi FN,

I am not sure I get the point of your thread but it is frequent that people find their lost loves through Internet. Also, often it ends up in a full affair if both or one of the former partners are committed.

 

Lost love is beautiful but there is not such thing as timing because love is not enough. You must meet at the right time and at the right moment.

 

My xMW was a childhood sweetheart. I feel like I have known her forever. When we found each-other, we fell in love head over heels, but she had already a family and I wanted her to build one with me.

 

Part of me still loves her. It is not easy to forget. It is easier to move on and find happiness with other people.

[spice4life]

I disagree that A's of this nature are rare. There is an A forum that is mostly made up of MM/MW A's and a large number of them are having A's with their high school or college sweethearts. Most of them reconnected on facebook too.

 

I met up with my "high school" bf 20 years later and we ended up in a long term relationship, so I've BTDT. It ended for the very same reason it did the first time. I'm glad though because I was able to bring it to full closure once and for all. If you really think long and hard about old relationships, you can pinpoint the reason it didn't last in the first place.

[MissBee]

This theory could coinside (sp?) With the first love syndrome. There was a study done that determined a first love can be a part of one's DNA because it usually happens during youth when a person is still growing. If there is a heart break during this "growth" period, it is an injury to ones heart and it leaves an impression (an inprint) that becomes a part of you. The theory states that if a person meets up with their first love years later, it sparks off a reaction that they may mistake as a long lost love. The reaction is strong and chemical making it very hard to resist. It could be why social media has had such an impact in this area - people are easier to track down now. However, if one can get past the chemical stage they usually find that the relationship ended for a reason and does again for the very same reason.

 

Just some thoughts.

 

 

Your post made me think about something I totally forgot we spoke about in one of my classes. We were discussing developmental stages in children and somehow the idea of first loves came up and how usually during that time, one is learning about one's self and the feelings for this person are strongly tied to one's own identity and self realization, so often it hurts a lot and is very traumatizing as your relationship is you, and you are in essence mourning a loss of part of yourself and not just the relationship. This theory makes sense with regards to the DNA and chemical reaction idea and how you'd end up making that association with a first love, when it may not really be that the person but just the entire experience itself sets off certain reactions.

[spice4life]

Your post made me think about something I totally forgot we spoke about in one of my classes. We were discussing developmental stages in children and somehow the idea of first loves came up and how usually during that time, one is learning about one's self and the feelings for this person are strongly tied to one's own identity and self realization, so often it hurts a lot and is very traumatizing as your relationship is you, and you are in essence mourning a loss of part of yourself and not just the relationship. This theory makes sense with regards to the DNA and chemical reaction idea and how you'd end up making that association with a first love, when it may not really be that the person but just the entire experience itself sets off certain reactions.

 

Exactly. I can vouch for it too because I experienced that reaction myself. It was familiar in the sense of how we react to a person that brings forth old injuries that went unresolved. I have since learned that when you do have a reaction like this, it means there is some "inner" work to do! If you can step back in the beginning when this happens and ask yourself, "wait a minute, what's going on here...why am I reacting?", you can save a lot of time. In other words, figure it out up front instead of making it another lesson through hard knocks.

[18Years2Late]

I fit that mold like a glove...my A was with a LLL...thru FB...18 yrs later (see my name)...both M with families...

 

I find it interesting that u read that most types of A with LLL end up together...because...well...mine didn't...obviously or I wouldn't be here...

 

I do think that these types of A's are harder to get over than other types when they don't work out...I feel like I'd rather have died with the "dream/fantasy" of possibly being together again...then to now know we never will...

 

I'm in your shoes Nemo...I may never stop thinking about him...I'm just learning to accept that...and we're LD and NC (other than the once a month out of the blue e-mail berating from crazy BS)...so I can imagine how hard it would be if I had to see him frequently...

 

Yep...it sucks not being able to stop thinking about someone...but I brought all this pain on myself with poor decisions...live and learn...

[18Years2Late]

Also, we were adults in our previous R (not growing children) and my A didn't end for the same reasons our previous R ended...it ended bc he got caught and couldn't bear the thought of being a part-time dad...he must be really good at being a part-time H though or BS wouldn't feel the need to contact me every 3 weeks...

 

Sorry just had to throw that out there...venting...just got rid of her (this time) 2 days ago...

[seren]

I wonder FNeemo, if the long lost relationships would have stood the test of time. In many instances, the time spent apart would have been during the hard times, the building a career, being without money, supporting one or the other through college, building up a business, paying for the home, bringing up the kids etc etc. By the time many X lovers meet up, the groundwork and in most cases the hard work has been done and shared between the married people. Would the long ago relationship have survived the hard times, the long ago person has weathered these times becasue he/she has been supported by the potential BS.

 

I went to a reunion some years ago and met my XH, we were both ex military and it was our old workplace that was meeting. We got alog very well, both of us married, both succesful and both happy. He said that it was funny how well we got on and he wondered if we would still have been together if we had worked harder. I said no, that I am who I am thanks largely to the love and security I get from my H, that he had encouraged and supported me to go to University and get my degrees, that his love had made me feel worth a good life after all the bad things and that he (XH) just wouldn't have done that.

While I could see that if I were single and if I had met XH at that time I would have found him a very attractive man and yes, we would have had a relationship. BUT, I was basing my view of him on who he was at that point, that he was an XH was neither he nor there, as a H he was crap and as a W I sucked too. He and I were also pretty self centred then. He didn't seem to have changed on that score, that he thought to hit on me while his wife was back home was telling.

 

I am sure some long ago loves have potential, but I think it should be in the now and not who they were way back. Forget the long ago, look at the now.

[findingnemo]

Thanks everybody. Let me try to respond to all the points:

 

The DNA imprint: I read about that, LOL. I wondered a little whether that was me. Someone walking around with a chemical scar of sorts. I was young when I met him but it was almost 3 years later when I started seeing him as my bf. I dont think this applies to me, but is interesting to know.

 

Is it a fantasy I'm in love with or the real man? I don't really know him like his W does of course. But in my case, we had a long A and have kept in touch a lot since then except for a 2 year long NC period in 2004. Can I still be in love with a fantasy? If I am, then I really do have emotional issues of the crazy kind.

 

18years, I'm so sorry that yours didn't work out and that you still have feelings for him. That is where I was in 2004. I just had to stop the A. It was the most heart-breaking thing I've ever done. But the pain is what makes me sure that I'll let it start again. As for seeing other Mms, that has never been an attraction for me. Last year I got angry and in that anger decided to expose . Thankfully, Istarted a thread about it and listened to the advice to let it go. A year later, I'm still in the same damn emotional place.

 

So since I had an A with LL and it didn't work, now what? How the hell do you move on into another R while still loving somebody else? It's unfair to the other person. In the stories I read, people get M, then D, then M again only to D and end up with LL. There are stories about reconnections that didn't work out but that brought closure.

[18Years2Late]

Thanks everybody. Let me try to respond to all the points:

 

The DNA imprint: I read about that, LOL. I wondered a little whether that was me. Someone walking around with a chemical scar of sorts. I was young when I met him but it was almost 3 years later when I started seeing him as my bf. I dont think this applies to me, but is interesting to know.

 

Is it a fantasy I'm in love with or the real man? I don't really know him like his W does of course. But in my case, we had a long A and have kept in touch a lot since then except for a 2 year long NC period in 2004. Can I still be in love with a fantasy? If I am, then I really do have emotional issues of the crazy kind.

 

18years, I'm so sorry that yours didn't work out and that you still have feelings for him. That is where I was in 2004. I just had to stop the A. It was the most heart-breaking thing I've ever done. But the pain is what makes me sure that I'll let it start again. As for seeing other Mms, that has never been an attraction for me. Last year I got angry and in that anger decided to expose . Thankfully, Istarted a thread about it and listened to the advice to let it go. A year later, I'm still in the same damn emotional place.

 

So since I had an A with LL and it didn't work, now what? How the hell do you move on into another R while still loving somebody else? It's unfair to the other person. In the stories I read, people get M, then D, then M again only to D and end up with LL. There are stories about reconnections that didn't work out but that brought closure.

 

Thanks Nemo...I read a lot on that website last night...it costs $ to join but I may...Dr. Kalish actually responds herself on the post which I find nice and helpful...she also added a new section on the forum about break-ups of LL A's...you have to be a member to read but she says in the heading that LL A break-ups are the most painful...more than other types of A's...I wish she was wrong...Dr. Kalish has also published many books which I've seen LSers recommend...I might try to find one...good luck to you...this is hard..

[spice4life]

Thanks everybody. Let me try to respond to all the points:

 

The DNA imprint: I read about that, LOL. I wondered a little whether that was me. Someone walking around with a chemical scar of sorts. I was young when I met him but it was almost 3 years later when I started seeing him as my bf. I dont think this applies to me, but is interesting to know.

 

Is it a fantasy I'm in love with or the real man? I don't really know him like his W does of course. But in my case, we had a long A and have kept in touch a lot since then except for a 2 year long NC period in 2004. Can I still be in love with a fantasy? If I am, then I really do have emotional issues of the crazy kind.

 

18years, I'm so sorry that yours didn't work out and that you still have feelings for him. That is where I was in 2004. I just had to stop the A. It was the most heart-breaking thing I've ever done. But the pain is what makes me sure that I'll let it start again. As for seeing other Mms, that has never been an attraction for me. Last year I got angry and in that anger decided to expose . Thankfully, Istarted a thread about it and listened to the advice to let it go. A year later, I'm still in the same damn emotional place.

 

So since I had an A with LL and it didn't work, now what? How the hell do you move on into another R while still loving somebody else? It's unfair to the other person. In the stories I read, people get M, then D, then M again only to D and end up with LL. There are stories about reconnections that didn't work out but that brought closure.

 

Did my post upset you? I ask because you put an angry face on your response?

 

I understand the longing or feeling in love and after some very hard work, I realized that I was looking outside instead of inside for happiness. It could be LL in your case, however you did mention that you ended up in an abusive marriage. That is usually a sign that one is looking for someone else to make them happy as opposed to looking "within" to find it. Once I figured that out, my whole life changed for the better.

 

Just a thought.

[SoMovinOn]

That is exactly my situation. GF and I dated for a little more than 7 years in HS and after. I got another girl pregnant and "did the right thing", marrying her. I knew it was wrong from the beginning. I regretted having to walk away from my GF from the minute I did it.

 

Over the next 30 years, we looked for each other now and then, but it wasn't so easy to do until the internet. I found her about 12 years ago, but she was M. I decided to do nothing about it, not take the risk of disrupting her life.

 

She found me again almost 2 years ago. We spent some time going over the past, getting to know each other again, but it was obvious early on, every bit of chemistry we shared then was still there. We initially resisted an A, thinking we'd both get D and then date. At some point, we realized our D's were going to take some time... so, we chose to get involved now.

[SoMovinOn]

Interestingly, I've been surprised at how often, when telling my story to someone I know - about reconnecting with a past love - people tell me they've recently done the same thing. I've run into that 5 or 6 times, and in each case, they got involved in an A.

[18Years2Late]

That is exactly my situation. GF and I dated for a little more than 7 years in HS and after. I got another girl pregnant and "did the right thing", marrying her. I knew it was wrong from the beginning. I regretted having to walk away from my GF from the minute I did it.

 

Over the next 30 years, we looked for each other now and then, but it wasn't so easy to do until the internet. I found her about 12 years ago, but she was M. I decided to do nothing about it, not take the risk of disrupting her life.

 

She found me again almost 2 years ago. We spent some time going over the past, getting to know each other again, but it was obvious early on, every bit of chemistry we shared then was still there. We initially resisted an A, thinking we'd both get D and then date. At some point, we realized our D's were going to take some time... so, we chose to get involved now.

 

Yep...slightly diff story here...dated just as long...xMM moved for work...I was supposed to follow but for stupid reasons didn't...I got pregnant and got married (right thing??)...we were both devastated...

 

I do believe that xMM still loves me...but when he got caught he just couldn't keep the promises he made...cowardly?...yes...right thing to do?...yes with kids involved...I still love him...always will...but I've lost trust and faith in him due to the way he treated me for BS's benefit after dday...hopefully that and anger will keep me from ever going back...so far so good...just wish I could get BS off my back...it's been about 4 months since last dday...I don't know what more I can say to her to convince her that I'm no longer a threat to her...

 

Anyway...I think that if your BW or her BH found out...things may change quickly for you...I hope that doesn't happen...especially since she has a violent BH apparently...I've followed your story and I hope it works out for y'all in the end...

[lynne76]

One of my biggest fears is that I will eventually emotionally "move on" from my xMM and find a committed relationship and have a family, only to have him contact me as a single man (which is admitedly a very slim chance, but these things sometimes happen). Then I would be in a hard situation. Conversely, one of my other biggest fears is that this will NEVER happen. I deeply want to believe that he and I will find our way back to one another someday and get a real chance together. It's hard to accept this may never happen, and truthfully this belief that it WILL is one of the only things keeping me going right now.

[truthbetold]

One of my biggest fears is that I will eventually emotionally "move on" from my xMM and find a committed relationship and have a family, only to have him contact me as a single man (which is admitedly a very slim chance, but these things sometimes happen). Then I would be in a hard situation. Conversely, one of my other biggest fears is that this will NEVER happen. I deeply want to believe that he and I will find our way back to one another someday and get a real chance together. It's hard to accept this may never happen, and truthfully this belief that it WILL is one of the only things keeping me going right now.

 

Lynne you realize this the absolute worst thing you can do right? You mentioned in your other thread that you hope a year from now that you will have moved on for the better not just spent time wishing you were with him. Well if you have the above mindset, it's a guarantee you ARE going to still be no better off a year from now.

 

By posts you have written, he has no indication of even wanting to leave much less taking steps to do that. You've admitted he does love his wife, and I guess you can't reconcile how then he could cheat with you. But he did and at the end of the day it doesn't matter why. You need to take him off the pedestal already.

[RickFox]

One of my biggest fears is that I will eventually emotionally "move on" from my xMM and find a committed relationship and have a family, only to have him contact me as a single man (which is admitedly a very slim chance, but these things sometimes happen). Then I would be in a hard situation. Conversely, one of my other biggest fears is that this will NEVER happen. I deeply want to believe that he and I will find our way back to one another someday and get a real chance together. It's hard to accept this may never happen, and truthfully this belief that it WILL is one of the only things keeping me going right now.

 

Not that I'm single but after my A ended, I thought the same thing, that she would find me again after drop kicking me to the side. I then started to realize that she had her chance to be with me, it was all but ready to go with one word (yes) and I started to realize that even if she came to me six months down the road or a year later, that I wasn't her first choice and that in and of itself was enough for me to make the decision to move on and let her go.

[truthbetold]

FN, to answer your q. I think many to connect that way, but it doesn't make it right or meant to be. It's just too easy to connect nowdays and still points to poor boundaries.

 

Think about how many affairs would be on going if you couldn't call them on their cell, or text, webcam whatever. If the only way to reach them was the mail system or calling the house how many of these affairs would really last?

 

Oh, they've been happening since the beginning of time and no doubt will continue, it's just way easier now and people mistake that ease with true love.

[LilyBart]

Also, we were adults in our previous R (not growing children) and my A didn't end for the same reasons our previous R ended...it ended bc he got caught and couldn't bear the thought of being a part-time dad...he must be really good at being a part-time H though or BS wouldn't feel the need to contact me every 3 weeks...

 

Sorry just had to throw that out there...venting...just got rid of her (this time) 2 days ago...

 

18Y2L - LOL! I needed that laugh today!!!!

 

The reason she keeps calling: even though you're technically no longer a threat, deep down inside she knows she doesn't have his heart the way she should. And may never have had it - considering the two of you reconnected.

 

You never know what can happen in the future. Kids eventually grow up. If you still love him then.....and he still feels the same way about you.....make sure you come back and update us!

[SoMovinOn]

Anyway...I think that if your BW or her BH found out...things may change quickly for you...I hope that doesn't happen...especially since she has a violent BH apparently...I've followed your story and I hope it works out for y'all in the end...

 

Thankfully no BW for me. STBXW, split but still living together, and she knows. But, yes, if her H finds out, anything could happen. Hopefully, she'll split before that happens.

[SoMovinOn]

One of my biggest fears is that I will eventually emotionally "move on" from my xMM and find a committed relationship and have a family, only to have him contact me as a single man (which is admitedly a very slim chance, but these things sometimes happen). Then I would be in a hard situation.

 

I've wondered what I might have done had my GF found me at some point when my M was good. She's always been my ideal woman, the one who got away (even though that was really me). I'd have had a hard time passing on a second chance with her. Still, before my W's A's, I was very, very much in love with her and wouldn't even consider cheating on her. So, had GF showed up then, it would have been a very difficult time for me emotionally.

[frozensprouts]

when i read things about the power of "first loves", i sometimes wonder if the "power" in them partly lies in the memories they hold...not just of the feelings for them, but also of the time in someone's life when they happened.

for a lot of people, first loves happen at an easier time in their lives ( high school, university, etc.- think Bruce Springsteen's song "glory days" and you'll know what I mean) the feelings of love, nostaligia, missing a time in our lives when things were simplier and we had our whole lives in front of us can be a pretty big pull.

 

( my first love was someone i loved dearly, but he was a fair bit older than i was and an abusive jerk who I spent 10 years hiding from- no nostalgia attached to him:laugh:)