waseim15 Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 feels like the time has come for me to ask for some advice. theres a girl that i have feelings for. she used to go out with one of my friends but broke up early summer because he wasnt interested. she was pretty devastated because he took her virginity. we started hanging out a month ago. i can tell we were both into each other but i think i pressured her too much a couple weeks ago and she said she didnt want a relationship and wants to get to know me and take things slow or w.e. so i kinda stopped talking to her for a little and she said that it was disgusting the way i wouldnt be friends with her because she wouldnt be with me, so i said thats bs were still friends, so i played it cool masking my feelings and being in the friendzone. then last weekend comes and we went to hang out with my friend that she used to go out with, it was cool but we ended up leaving and went back to her friends hoouse. out of nowhere she starts making out with me kissing me everywhere and whatever but then wasnt down to have sex so we just cuddled the rest of the night, kind of wack but i wasnt tripping im not desperate or anything and im still talking to other girls. next morning she says she doesnt remember anything and started saying stuff like i would never have sex with anyone but matt (my friend). dont know why she said it even though i dont believe her lol. it feels like we will eventually have sex im not rushing it or anything.. i can tell shes really into me but im not number 1, she hasnt talked to me since then (3 days) and she talks to me everday so thats kind of wierd. i dont know how i should handle things from here on out, i cant hang out with her and hurt myself knowing im not number 1 and shes still talking about her ex...at the same time if i do that she will say your disgusting u wont be my friend cuz i wont be with u or make something up like that lol...im so confused this girl has taken over my brain and i feel like a pussy, i kind of rushed this so feel free to ask any questions if i was being vague anywhere
ijdk Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 drama right from the get go. She needs time to figure herself out. It's ok to be friends but don't get too involvered with her untill she acts a bit more normal and then wait some more.
Author waseim15 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 ya but how much time? i cant keep torturing myself...
Author waseim15 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 it was anti slut defense, her friend accused us of having sex cuz we slept in her bed, shes really confused too thats why im giving her space and letting her talk to me first
Yookie Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 You are under no obligation to be her friend in fact I would advise against it. Why torture yourself? Just let her know that she doens't have the same relationship goals as you do and its really not fair to keep things going this way while she tramples all over your heart. Go no contact and focus on spending time with other girls who are more interested in you.
Author waseim15 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 shes going to think i never cared in the first place which isnt true, and i feel like itll make me look weak
Author waseim15 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 just dont want to be a fall back she always going to run back to, i want to be that number 1 no question about it, im the only one that cares about her, ill be patient for now w.e.
Author waseim15 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 its really wierd she hasnt said 1 thing to me since then, dont know if she is confused, feels awkward, is scared, or just doesnt want to talk me and wants to start focusing on her ex again
Author waseim15 Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 nvm my friend txted me and said shes drinking with her ex and some other people, lol now what shes back into her ex time for me to peace the hell out?
forms Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 I think you are the filler boyfriend, or the rebound. She's hoping he'll change his mind. He may still interact with her, because she's easy and available, but if he wasn't interested before, he's not going to be very interested even now. But she's going to be focused on him, because she wants him back. So you are going to be backburnered. But, the deal is that you have to be the boyfriend he wasn't, therefore she have higher standards for your boyfriend behavior than his...that's why she's criticizing you for not putting her first in your life and not willing to be pushed and pulled around. You are being used to make up for his deficiencies. My guess is this is subconscious behavior on her part. She's trying to work out how she can care so much about Matt, and he be so indifferent to her. So in her relationship with you, she's taking on Matt's role, indifferent to you, but likes you well enough, and she's trying to push you into the role with her that she plays with Matt, the adoring one. So she grooms/criticizes you for the part. When she gets enough of this role playing she will understand and come to accept how Matt really feels for her and move on. But probably not move on to you. Probably you will be always associated with Matt and heartbreak and her rather humiliating role in his life. When she's over Matt, she'll be over you too. I don't think she's doing this to be mean, I think she's doing it subconsciously, just trying to heal herself--sort of the drowning man who grabs on to anyone to survive. You are in a sucky, sucky place. I don't see much hope, however, you might try saying something like, "I'm crazy about you, I think you are wonderful for all these reasons and think we'd be awsome together for all these reasons. However, it's clear to me that you aren't over Matt. I understand and sympathize...but I'm not willing to be second fiddle. I'm going to let you and Matt work out whatever you have to work out. Maybe in six months or so I'll touch base with you and see how things are with you, see if maybe there's a possibility for us. If you think it's too disgusting that I don't want to hang around and get hurt while you work out what you have to work out with Matt, I understand. But for now, I think it's best for all three of us to make myself scarce. But if you don't mind, maybe I'll check in with you in six months or so and catch up with you and we'll see where we stand. Until then I wish you well." Then go completely no contact, and move on. In six months if you are still interested, check in with her and reevaluate. She may still be chasing Matt, they may be together or they may be completely broken up. You risk being turned into the girlfriend upon whose shoulder she cries, and you can never recover boyfriend status after that. Let her find a girlfriend to move through all the stages of drama and grief that goes with your first major break up in life. You don't have a lot of options here, and I'm guessing nothing good is ever really going to come of her. But by gracefully going no contact now, there may be a chance later that you can win her in the future--if you still want her. Good luck.
forms Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 Btw, she's not 'confused'. She knows what she wants. She wants him back. What she's confused about is why he doesn't really want to be her boyfriend when she wants so badly to be his girlfriend. That's something she has to work out without you. Don't let yourself believe that she's confused between the choice of you or Matt. There's no confusion there.
Author waseim15 Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 i know that now but he will never want her as a girlfriend, he just wants to have sex and tell her to leave him alone, and then shes going to come running back to me its just going to go on like that forever? i should just completely cut ties off if its going to be like that at least until im over the situation and back to not caring...? what do you think
Author waseim15 Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 oops just read your first post, ill just do what you said, she probably wont like it but its for the best and i guess its the mature thing to do, its a really ****ty situation but thanks for the input
Author waseim15 Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 i cut ties off and she replies: aww why cant we just be friends, we dont have to stop being friends because of mine and his relationship.and me and him dont have anything were just friends idk what your talking about where did u even get this i shouldnt respond to anything she says from now on right ?
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