stunned8165 Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 Ok, so most of you know my story. I was with her 3 years, we lived together, she has two children that just turned 4 and 5. I was the only dad they know, they didn't want to leave but their mom thinks the grass is going to be greener on the other side with the guy she cheated on me with (her boss) of a little sandwich pub. He's always messed with his employees and it never worked out. He already raised a 15 yr old on his own and we know he isn't in this for the long run as I was. I loved her kids, they loved me. Bottom line, she didn't know how to handle the normalcy or stability. She obviously had self esteem issues but this little jerk, toyed with her emotions until he got her to crack. So she left. But months before, it was obvious I was no longer her best friend, the flirting stopped with each other and she was always angry. Probably angry with herself because there was no reason for her to be angry with me. I was a loyal, kind, caring man. She couldn't wait to get to work because the kids stressed her out. I got caught in the middle of all this stuff because I was at home. All those kids wanted was positive attention and reinforcement. They only got that from me. All she cared about was that job. ............ But I find it difficult moving completely forward due to the fact I really miss the kids and my little family unit. Everyone was happy except for her. I wasn't a jerk, I was kind, I used to leave little love notes, try to be playful, I paid the bills, took care fo the cars, yard, did most of ALL the laundry, bathe the dogs including hers and so on. I was a good man. And I don't doubt I was a good man for one minute. I guess my problem is how she can fly like that and treat me like I was the one that cheated. Shut out from the kids. This crap hurts. ... So I have been dating (altough it all seems wrong), I have taken in a roomate this past weekend. A girl I have been friends with for years (no romantic interest at all)... And this too just all seems wrong. Maybe it's just too many changes in 5 1/2 months from what I seemed to be happy with. ........ But how can someone just do that? Just dump someone that has done so much for them and their children. Shut me out like I was a murderer or something... We were a family for three years. How can they act like none of it meant NOTHING to them?.. This is what still baffles me... I may be rambling here, but I have to vent. Encouraging words would be nice.. Thanks.
ChelseaLS Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 Ok, so most of you know my story. I was with her 3 years, we lived together, she has two children that just turned 4 and 5. I was the only dad they know, they didn't want to leave but their mom thinks the grass is going to be greener on the other side with the guy she cheated on me with (her boss) of a little sandwich pub. He's always messed with his employees and it never worked out. He already raised a 15 yr old on his own and we know he isn't in this for the long run as I was. I loved her kids, they loved me. Bottom line, she didn't know how to handle the normalcy or stability. She obviously had self esteem issues but this little jerk, toyed with her emotions until he got her to crack. So she left. But months before, it was obvious I was no longer her best friend, the flirting stopped with each other and she was always angry. Probably angry with herself because there was no reason for her to be angry with me. I was a loyal, kind, caring man. She couldn't wait to get to work because the kids stressed her out. I got caught in the middle of all this stuff because I was at home. All those kids wanted was positive attention and reinforcement. They only got that from me. All she cared about was that job. ............ But I find it difficult moving completely forward due to the fact I really miss the kids and my little family unit. Everyone was happy except for her. I wasn't a jerk, I was kind, I used to leave little love notes, try to be playful, I paid the bills, took care fo the cars, yard, did most of ALL the laundry, bathe the dogs including hers and so on. I was a good man. And I don't doubt I was a good man for one minute. I guess my problem is how she can fly like that and treat me like I was the one that cheated. Shut out from the kids. This crap hurts. ... So I have been dating (altough it all seems wrong), I have taken in a roomate this past weekend. A girl I have been friends with for years (no romantic interest at all)... And this too just all seems wrong. Maybe it's just too many changes in 5 1/2 months from what I seemed to be happy with. ........ But how can someone just do that? Just dump someone that has done so much for them and their children. Shut me out like I was a murderer or something... We were a family for three years. How can they act like none of it meant NOTHING to them?.. This is what still baffles me... I may be rambling here, but I have to vent. Encouraging words would be nice.. Thanks. People will come up with a load of different ways to justify their guilt... and sometimes their guilt just eats away at them. Other times they want to save face and so they never let you know, even if they are dying inside to come back. You have been through a lot of changes in the last 5 1/2 months and that may be why it feels wrong. I know for myself I won't date again until it feels right. I am not going to force myself out there into the dating scene. I will go out with friends and group situations and if something arises then great. I hate when someone checks me out right now... it feels wrong (it's not, I should be flattered, but it feels wrong). Remember back to how you felt when it frist happened, and look at how far you have come. Be proud of your growth. Keep growing and better yourself. Keep learning from this experience as hard it may be.
Berlington Bob Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 I was having issues trying to figure out why it happened to me. Same thing, G.I.G.S., we were living together. No children but I loved her cat.. was the coolest thing. Then she left for a guy that is by definition a player. Something she said she always despised in a guy. I kept wondering why and the struggle to understand is just another thing that worrying about won't help. As Lymtal said in my thread, "remember at this point you may want some answers to all your questions. you may never get them. you don't need them now. you don't need them ever to move on." And it's true. I feel 200% better since I made the decision to just let it go. It's not going to happen over night. it takes at the very least a few days. Just try to convince yourself every day a little more each day that it doesn't really matter WHY she did it... She did it and from this point on its all about you just accepting it. That IS after all the last step in the grieving process. You have to get past the bargaining stage to move on. Nothing you could have done differently could have prevented this because in the end it is what it is... We ALL could probably do things differently if we had a time machine but we don't so we have to just accept that the relationship was what it was and leave it at that. Set a date 6 months down the road. Write it on your calandar and choose that date to try and figure out why it happened. "A great source of calamity lies in regret and anticipation; therefore a person is wise who thinks of the present alone, regardless of the past or future." - Oliver Goldsmith ... Also I think Yoda said something along those lines.
Author stunned8165 Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 I appreciate the words of incouragement. I really do. Just when I thought I was cruising along, BOOM!.. Something stops me dead in my tracks. Bottom line here is, I still love her and the kids very much. Very much IN LOVE with them. How ever, I'm confused about being in love with her because I'm in love with who she used to be. To add, I know my feelings, pride and ego were crushed.. I can even handle that. But I will NEVER EVER understand how someone can walk away from something so good for her, her kids and all for the excitement of a little crappy bar/sandwich joint. It must be the attention. I gave her attention. Plenty of re assurance and all. She used to get jealous if we were out to dinner and other women would look over at us. Then she would say "I saw them looking at you, gonna replace me with one of them? ".. That's what she would say. But I would always lean over and tell her nevr, that I loved her and the kids. She KNOWS I love her and those kids with all my heart... It kills me to see she's acting like all 3 years of GOOD history we had as a family means nothing to her. If I was a mean, or abusive man, I would take it on the chin. But I did nothing to deserve this except accept her, her kids, her mom and even her friggin dog into my family. My family is huge. They loved her and those kids as if she was my wife and those were my kids. I guess she feels the grass is greener over there. But we will soon find out. It hasn't been 6 months yet. The newness of it all will die down and then she WILL start thinking. But hopefully I'm strong enough by then to steer clear. Right now I might be weak and vunerable enough to see her and the kids... How ever, I'm not dumb enough to let them back into my house and drop my gaurds.
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