Big disagreement, not communicating

[archivist]

Hi everyone, I wanted to get some thoughts on my situation. My GF and I had an argument last week. We are still not talking properly and I'm getting frustrated and stressed out by this.

 

The fight started from something so small and seemingly insignificant (like any other I guess). I don't want to get into the minor or petty details so I'll try to keep to the points.

 

I made a sarcastic comment about her being ill, which offended her and she then ignored me for a good 30 minutes whilst I tried to bring her round. She continued to ignore me, so I just got frustrated and went out for a drive. I bought her some ice cream and came back. We started talking again. She told me that I had no right to feel frustrated and to just leave like that. She said I should have tried harder to console her that I was "terrible". At this point I thought she was being totally unreasonable and I snapped. I told her that shes been complaining about being ill, headaches and her rash for days and that I'm not even sure if this is genuine anymore. Even her family made a similar comment the same day before and that really pissed her off.

 

She took it quite badly and started to really cry and I instantly apologized, but the damage was done. She went home and continued to ignore me for a few more days. I went to her house and she didn't answer her door or phone.

 

It's been a week now, we are at least civil but we are still not on good talking terms. I want to see her and to apologies or at least talk things through. But she still doesn't want to see me. I feel awful if about hurting her feelings and would never do that to her. I just snapped because I feel I was being treated unfairly earlier. She can totally shut me out for days and ignore me and I feel like that is really unfair and that it is toxic to the relationship.

 

I could really use some advice on how to makes things right again, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells around her. I know I wronged her but she doesn't help the situation either. I want to address this a mature way without accusing her of being unreasonable. She doesn't want to see me now, we text now and then but we don't discuss much.

 

Feel free to tell me that I'm a tool or that shes being totally immature. But I do love her and I do want to work this out. For now I think she feels the same, shes just very disappointed with me. She seems to think the damage is done and that these are my true feelings and that things will never be the same again (wow).

[archivist]

Thanks Mircea, I agree with all your points. I didn't mention, this is our first big argument. These are warning signs but I'm not going to just walk out and give up before trying to work things out and address this. I agree if this is a pattern then I have to do some serious thinking.

 

I know if she cries it doesn't mean I should apologize immediately, but I think we both agree, I shouldn't have snapped. So that's what I'm apologizing for.

[Andy_K]

Stop apologising. Every time you do it reinforces her belief that you're the one being unreasonable, not her.

 

Mostly likely, you won't see her response to this type of thing change until she actually believes she's going to lose you, then she'll backpedal like nothing you've ever seen before.

 

The only thing you can do here is be honest. Tell her that you love her but her continuing refusal to see you is bad for your relationship. Ask her if she wants things to continue this way. Tell her that you need her to be willing to help fix things.

 

You need to imply that this is not about you, or her, but the two of you as a team, and you need her commitment. You need to get her out of this right/wrong victim/abuser mentality.

[serial muse]

OK, nobody wants to be manipulated, and clearly you feel like she's manipulating you. It seems you also felt that way right from the very beginning - hence the sarcastic comment about her being ill.

 

You don't think she's really sick.

Her family doesn't, you say, believe it either.

You hinted to her that you don't believe her, then you took it back by buying her ice cream, then you said it flat-out, which - I notice people are conveniently forgetting - is the reason she actually got upset. And now you're saying you know you hurt her - but you're not actually saying whether you do believe her or not, or whether you just want to restore peace.

 

Well, it seems to me that this is brushing the whole issue back under the rug. Whatever the issue ACTUALLY is, which is not at all clear to me. But she is clearly still fixated on the fact that you don't believe her, so maybe that's worth taking a closer look at?

 

So. Here's the question. Trimming away everyone's biases and whatnot...what's the ACTUAL pattern here? I don't think we have enough info from your OP to know whether you have good reason to doubt her (aside from her family seemingly agreeing with that assessment, which could also be fraught). But she clearly thinks you do doubt her, and it hurts her feelings. Possibly that's because she's manipulating you. Possibly it's because she's used to getting crap from her family, and thus you pushed a big button. Possibly it's because she's really sick.

 

Patterns:

Is she prone to being sick all the time/playing the victim/looking for sympathy?

Does she go to the doctor?

Are you prone to making sarcastic comments in general, and then apologizing for them?

Is her family generally unsympathetic/does she have a bad relationship with them?

What does your observation of her family tell you about the trustworthiness of their opinion here?

 

In other words: How do you know she isn't really sick? And if you don't, why doesn't that factor into your assessment of what's going on here? There are a lot of unknowns.

 

I have no idea, obviously, whether she is or not. But I'm puzzled by how that seemingly central question has just fallen away in other posts. People seem to just take it as read that she's shamming.

 

Well, is she?

Edited November 15, 2011 by serial muse

[archivist]

Thanks for the responses, let me try to give you more info.

 

My GF told me she felt that when she wanted me to care, I just rejected her. That really hurt her feelings. I do care, and I do look after her well being. I feel like a complete ass. The sarcastic comment I made was similar to what her mom also said. That's she's always ill, I guess hinting that she doesn't look after herself properly or that she is not really that bad. That is the pattern. She doesn't always go to the doctor but she did this time. It was mainly for stomach pains and generally not feeling good.

 

This has never annoyed me before before, I actually don't know why I snapped this time. I can only think I had been working for 8 days without a weekend break and have been looking forward to some quality time together.

 

She is a very sweet and caring girl, she can be quite emotional sometimes. I have made another sarcastic remark once before and she got mad and ignored me for our whole journey home. Again after trying to console her for some time only to be ignored I got frustrated and started to concentrate on other things. She later apologised that time for being unreasonable and made up.

 

She has been known to get upset and then ignore me. But usually it doesn't last very long. This time I think it's serious, she's never ignored me like this before. I know she wants me to console her (she says I should try harder) and then give her a hug, maybe that's being manipulative but in an innocent way, I don't mind. But this time it's different, I can't get through to her. I'm beginning to get frustrated with her cold shoulder and I can only chase after her for so long and do my part.

 

We left it today both agreeing that we don't want to fight, but I wanted to talk and she didn't. I guess the ball is her court now, I've apologised enough, and as you mentioned earlier it takes two of us to want to work this out.

 

I am afraid of losing her, but also if it happens over something like this then I would question if she is really that committed. I honestly don't think this is that serious (correct me if you think I'm wrong) but it is a bog deal for her and I've learnt something from this. My gut tells me she will get over this, but she's making this even harder now. And I'm almost at my limit of reaching out to her only to get shot down again. I'm not going to do this anymore.