Finding *it* again?

[lateralus]

Is there such a thing as finding the *it* again in your marriage?

 

History:

I have been married to my H for almost 9 years and we were together 4 years before that. I have a 5yo daughter.

 

I have my own home & property that was left to me from family. We lived in this house before we were married, and I gained title to it after we were married.

 

I do stay at home as of right now as I was laid off & am on unemployment (fingers crossed that I get a new job soon). Until this year, I have never been out of work. I was working when I met him.

 

I pay all bills, very rarely do I ask H for any money. I pay home owners ins, 4 cars worth of ins, electric, his cell, my cell (both separate bills), home phone, internet, and satellite. Also, I have paid for our daughter's private schooling so far and bought her uniforms with savings. We have separate bank accounts. Everything is paid for except for one car, there are 3 others. I co-signed on a car for him as he alone did not have the credit to sign for it himself. *ETA: He does make the payment on this car. It is his loan, he must pay it.*

 

He bought a house for his sister & BIL, & all the bills for it are in his name. The sister & BIL are making the payments to him. He also has a piece of property with 2 houses in which his family members live in also.

 

I feel like I have been turned off to him for about 4 years. I did have an EA for a couple of months, he knows. Showed what a prick he could really be. Couldn't talk to me about it but proceeded to tell everyone else, including come to my work & show his a** in front of my boss. Fine, whatever... we did work it out.

 

I try to do right him but just can't seem to find a way to love him anymore. I do love him but not like I did, especially after he showed his true colors & real self. He is the father to my daughter, and he is great with her. FANTASTIC! No complaints there.

 

I just don't feel like I can do it anymore. He comes in, sits on the couch, and doesn't say anything. I fix dinner, call, and no answer. I have to call a million times before he even half-a** acknowledges me. God forbid anyone call me, he then starts complaining about how I am on the phone all the time & I never talk to him.

 

I have tried talking to him about things and he twists things around & makes up things that were never said to throw into the talk. For instance, I asked if he wanted to go eat one night because I didn't feel like cooking. He said that it meant I didn't love him. That is pure BS.

 

He complains about sex on a daily basis, but I have quit giving it up a couple of weeks ago. He doesn't want to touch me any other time so I can't see the reasoning in touching him.

 

I do know for a fact that he has been looking up escorts, & prostitutes on craigslist and backpages. I have emails, texts, and the ads to some of them. I also have emails to three females he was emailing about NSA sex.

 

Is there a way? I just can't seem to find it. Anyone?

Edited November 15, 2011 by lateralus
Forgot somethings.

[robf1971]

He comes in, sits on the couch, and doesn't say anything. I fix dinner, call, and no answer. I have to call a million times before he even half-a** acknowledges me. God forbid anyone call me, he then starts complaining about how I am on the phone all the time & I never talk to him.

 

?

 

I'll give you a clue

 

It's because you had an EA

[lateralus]

It was like that before, hence the EA. Does he ever pull his head out of his ass or does it just stay there forever?

[Steadfast]

I did have an EA for a couple of months, he knows. Showed what a prick he could really be. Couldn't talk to me about it but proceeded to tell everyone else, including come to my work & show his a** in front of my boss. Fine, whatever... we did work it out.

 

It doesn't sound like you worked it out. It doesn't sound like you worked anything out. Your message is completely hostile and you're wondering if the feelings can return? There are plenty of 'feelings'...most of them bad.

 

Love isn't a feeling. It's a decision. The love part is easy. Living it isn't.

 

What did you expect to gain by funding everything yourself? Your husband's undying devotion? Perhaps you feel you 'paid' for a pass to have an affair, and how dare your ungrateful husband or anyone else protest! If we truly love, we provide without the expectation of getting anything back. Respect and admiration is earned, not demanded. You screwed yourself.

 

Look, what you're going to discover if you hang around here long enough, is a bunch of people who either were, or are involved in some very bad situations. Never, ever once (at least, that I've read) did anyone 'fix' someone else. We can't, and can't expect to control anyone else; they'll love us and treat us right if they desire to. The only real option you, me or anyone else has is to make ourselves into what's needed to gain a life worth living. A fulfilled life begins with the desire to have one.

[lateralus]

I totally understand. I am just wanting to see if there is a way to come back or if there is anyone here that has come back.

 

I never said that me paying everything was a pass for me to have an EA. I, also, don't see where that EA can justify years of texts to married & single women hitting on them, posting on craigslist looking for NSA sex, texting & emailing hookers that he found on craigslist or backpages either.

 

I will admit, my hostility is there for good reasons.

 

I guess I am saying that I am looking for some hope that maybe one day all of our crap can be worked out. If not, then what to be done, will be done.

Edited November 15, 2011 by lateralus

[KathyM]

I think your marriage is too far gone and too much damage has been done to try to salvage it. When it gets that bad that both partners are engaging in outside affairs, it's time to call it quits. Sometimes, after one affair, a marriage can be repaired if there is repentance and both parties work hard on reestablishing trust and love in a marriage, but too much has happened in your case, and too much damage has been done. I'd suggest making plans to separate. If you want to try MC first, go for it, but I don't think people can remove all the hurt from their memory enough to salvage a relationship like you have described.

[Ernest]

I feel you lateralus because my W and I are in a similar place. I have no answers but I do have a recommendation for you of a book that was suggested to us by our MC: Hold me Tight (Sue Johnson). It at least will help you understand who/how you got to this place imo -- it helped me do that.

 

Good luck

[Steadfast]

I guess I am saying that I am looking for some hope that maybe one day all of our crap can be worked out. If not, then what to be done, will be done.

 

I have two dear friends that were in the 'lifestyle'. I knew them for years and had no clue until he called one night and told me of the split. I had no hand in their reconciliation (I just listened, individually, and offered support as a friend) but sat in amazement over dinner as they told me their story.

 

He cracked first, telling her under the pretense of delivering a bill that he missed her. She responded with tears and they sat and talked all night. They worked it out between them, setting ground rules until life came naturally again. I remember her saying they had taken a shotgun to their lives and yet -even in tatters- the fabric of their relationship had survived.

 

The common denominator? Love. And a desire to be together that was stronger than a desire to be apart. It's as simple as that. The love was still there. Understand they both realized they could be happy apart, but after much soul searching took a leap of faith that life would be better together.

 

If you decide to run to him and he runs to you, then it can be worked out. It has to be 100% you giving to him and 100% him giving to you. Is that possible? Do each of you have the love and desire? Can you forgive? Will you allow yourself to learn from your mistakes and allow them to make you stronger, or will you continue to be enslaved in bitterness, discord, and selfishness? Love is a powerful force if it's free to work.

 

My hunch is you love him desperately. Lucky guy. Hope he wakes up before it's too late.

[lateralus]

I do love him. Granted there are days where I just want to beat him with a ball bat or suffocate him while he is sleeping but I do love him.

 

I have tried talking to him, and a lot of times he seems to just ignore it until we have some sort of blow up. Once things do blow up, which is maybe once every couple of years, he will tell me I said things I never said or twist things up into some sort of huff. He gets mad and won't listen or say anything. I have no clue what to do with him. That is where I start thinking of that ball bat or pillow. Lol! It is like I am here but don't exist until he needs something or he thinks of me as his personal maid. I am not here for just those reasons. If so, I need to be getting some sort of paycheck.

 

I have been really debating about having the talk and seeing how it goes. I am sure he will get all pissed but I need him to hear me. I just need to see where I stand and where we are going. At this point, it just seems as if it is going nowhere. Is this some sort of guy thing? By lurking this site for some time now & reading, almost all the guys sound alike. The last time we did this, he claimed he would try to do better. It seems as if he has just stopped.

 

Anytime I try to get him to do something, he either doesn't like it, doesn't want to do it, or just doesn't care. He won't commit to anything. I tried to get a date out of him for us to do our annual poker tourney and got "You know I don't plan that far ahead". It makes me feel as though he is waiting to see if something better will come up so he can jump on that chance. He won't even tell what he wants for dinner, just says I don't care.

 

UGHHHH!!! Frustrating as hell. I'm amazed more women aren't bald. Lol!

[Steadfast]

It's hard to tell from here but it sounds like he's punishing; button pushing, and he knows just which ones. No question he's hurt and angry, but considering he didn't leave you after the affair is telling. Just what it tells is the 64-thousand dollar question. Is it love, or fear? Obligation, or desire?

 

You recognize the situation and want to make it better, but there is no doubt he knows the score too. Hard to say if he's confiding in someone, but most people do not wish to live in unhappiness. Still, it is equally amazing just how much bad a person will tolerate because they are afraid of change. That said, if fear of the unknown is keeping you together, that will only last until the fear is overcome or overpowered by something else...like anger.

 

Usually, one partner or the other has to take the first, dramatic step. If it's you, understand that his masculine pride is at stake. For both of you, understand that one controlling the other or the relationship is a bad thing.

 

If you can establish that both of you, deep down, desire to stay together than it can happen. It has happened. Maybe he just needs to know that you love him, but words are cheap. Actions always count more. One thing is for sure...your marriage cannot tolerate other people in it. Address that first.