counterman Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 For those who know my story, I was with this girl a couple of years ago. During our relationship she brought up one of my former friends here and there. I was suspicious she had a thing for him. He had a thing for her too and was talking behind my back, saying nasty things about me. He also flirted with her a few times too. Anyways, after we broke up, she started going out with him and they've been going out for nearly two years now. Surprisingly, I haven't bumped into them yet, despite our mutual friends. Although, I have seen them around, there was always plenty of people around and it never came to the situation where I had to talk to either one of them. However, this coming weekend, my friend is holding a party at his place and he's invited about 30 or so people around. I'm planning on going but want to know what's the best thing I should do should I bump into my ex or her boyfriend? I have to make it clear that I no longer have feelings for her or have any resentment; it's just neutral. However, I cannot forget the things she did to me and the things he did (on top of talking behind my back, he use to make fun of me in front of my other friends). So, I have no intention of being friendly. If he pretends to be my best friend and goes to shake my hand, what should I do? At the moment, I'm thinking of not shaking his hand and just walking away. To go even further, what should I do if a joke is made about me? It's a huge party for my friend and I just don't want to make it awkward if I can help it. Any input would be much appreciated
ErgoStep Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 The least awkward thing you can do is ignore them completely. If you do bump into them, pretend they are complete strangers. Pretend there is no history at all. And of course, no need to converse extensively.
smudge21 Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 In a perfect world, you'd do the exact opposite of what they'd expect and leave them shocked... but that's in a perfect world and emotions can run high and screw up any and all plans. I'd be polite but distant - if they come over, just be in the middle of heading somewhere or something on your mind. Take a phone call just as they're speaking. Stay within a group and don't be alone. Let them come to you and just be the nice guy but without saying much. If you ignore them totally then you are saying so much more with your actions. You say you're neutral now, so prove it and just be okay with them, don't let them think you care either way.
oaks Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 I have to make it clear that I no longer have feelings for her or have any resentment; it's just neutral. However, I cannot forget the things she did to me and the things he did (on top of talking behind my back, he use to make fun of me in front of my other friends). So, I have no intention of being friendly. If he pretends to be my best friend and goes to shake my hand, what should I do? At the moment, I'm thinking of not shaking his hand and just walking away. To go even further, what should I do if a joke is made about me? It sounds more negative than neutral, but what you do might depend on whether you simply don't wish to interact or whether you want to be actively rude. Refusing to shake hands with someone who offers a hand to shake is rude. That doesn't mean you have to shake hands, but it's still rude (and not very subtle). Shaking hands doesn't mean you're best friends or that any past indiscretions are forgiven or forgotten, even though it's generally a friendly gesture.
Author counterman Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 That's the thing, I don't want it to have a bearing on how I interact. I do want to ignore them, Ergo, but I also don't want to be rude. It'll be best if we don't bump into each other, but chances are we will. Smudge, you're right, I think I need to keep my manners in check. I won't be overly friendly but I won't be too dismissive either. It'll smell like a lot of effort if I do ignore. Oaks, I agree, it is more negative and I'm generally not a rude person. Believe me I've never refused a hand shake before. The reason I say that is that when he did greet me in the past, it was with this dramatic "hey best buddy!", accompanied by a big wave motion offering a hand shake. Meanwhile, he spoke behind my back and flirted with my girl. So, if it's that kind of shake, I really don't want to pretend that we're cool, cause we're not. If it's a sincere shake, I'll shake his hand but I'll be on my way shortly. Nothing much would be said. Mircea, I gave him several chances in the past, and only after that incident did I completely cut him off. He isn't my friend. I wouldn't pick up any girls, nothing sexual definitely. Great conversation would be the tops; nothing like making out or anything. She didn't cheat on me and he didn't cheat... she did lead me on though, and harboured feelings for him whilst telling me she loved me. I don't get a lot of hot girls, and I don't really hang around these guys... Only one of them, the birthday boy, I'm really okay friends with and a few other guys who are attending. It is causing me a little bit of grieve because I really don't want to make it awkward for my friend or put anyone in any sort of position.
betterdeal Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 (edited) Get a joke hand buzzer and shake his hand whole-heartedly. But seriously, they're not part of your life now, so no big deal. If he makes jokes, joke back. Or roll your eyes and say "Here he goes again" and ignore him. Have fun with the other people at the party. If he bugs you, tell him to stop pestering you. Think of him as a yappy little dog snapping at your ankles. Swallow your pride and look to the future. Being magnanimous and assertive will stand you in good stead for the next women (who will be much hotter than the last one). Edited November 15, 2011 by betterdeal
RiverRunning Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 Yeah, don't go out of your way to go up and talk to them. I remember how uncomfortable I was when I was going out with my s/o...we walked into a restaurant...and the waitress seated us at the booth RIGHT BEHIND the table where my ex and his new girlfriend was sitting. It did lead to a hilarious exchange though in which the ex's friend loudly announced, "Hey, which one of you sent me this text that says, 'That's my first ex?'" S/O and I had to do our best not to crack up. The ex didn't have a car for a year so I drove him everywhere. S/O mentioned that he was tempted to go up to their table and ask the guy if he needed a ride If they pass by you and acknowledge YOU first, a simple, "Hi, how are you guys. I gotta go get another drink, have a good time," is good enough. If he offers his hand, just smile and say, "Good to see you," and walk away. That's what I'd do. I wouldn't go through ALL of the hoops to pretend we're still best buds. At the same time, I wouldn't be blatantly and totally rude, either. Otherwise, pretend you don't see/don't know them. I'm sure they'll probably be embarrassed enough to do the same.
Author counterman Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 I love those novelty buzzers! Betterdeal, that's exactly what it was like back then... he was always so annoying, and he would keep saying things to get to me. Back then, I ignored it, even though he kept going. But now, I'm more assertive and there's no place for that kind of behaviour. I enjoy other people's company and be magnanimous. A lot of my friends use to tell me to avoid them and whenever I was invited to events to which my ex and her bf was also invited to, I would bail...but now, I do whatever the hell I want. If it makes them feel uncomfortable, deal with it. RiverRunning, great story I wonder how your ex was feeling, must have been such a coincidence. Goes to show you that there's a funny side to things too. Exactly, I'm not going to pretend that we're still friends. Through his and her actions, it has allowed me to drop two people out of my life, two people I'm better off without. Whereas if it didn't occur, he would still be up to his usual act of trying to be my best buddy. I agree, I think they'll be wanting to avoid me as well. Mircea, I must say that she would be in a happier place with him, much happier. Not to discredit myself, but our relationship was always going to go down; I wasn't in a good place. She lied to me but during our relationship, she would try to pass it off as my our insecurity... which made me doubt myself even further. How the end up is inconsequential to me. I will do as you say and just talk with others and make interesting conservation
Jono85 Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 if he makes a joke about you.. "haha thats hilarious....by the way i never got to ask how my sloppy seconds taste?" ...done. tko. alternatively kick the **** out of him.
betterdeal Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 That's the spirit! So some practical joker (and aren't they just HILARIOUS? In the same way cold sores are) is going to be at the party? Big deal. Everyone knows he's a nobber. Besides, now he's tied up with her, that's him out of the way. He's good for target practice when it comes to being assertive, standing your ground, being accommodating without surrendering etc etc. Now you can have fun with friends, flirt and get to know other women, and spend Sunday reading the paper and scratching your nuts instead of getting trapped in a murky undersea world of paranoia and interminably circular conversations about "us" with the missus. That pint glass is half full now, no?
Imajerk17 Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 (edited) You know what to do man. Don't seek them out, but if they are in front of you and you can't avoid them, a simple "Hey what's up" to the dude and a simple "Hi Jenn" (or whatever her name is) to your ex suffices. If either tries to engage you further, then just act as a girl would act when a guy she doesn't like hits on her. Respond with one word answers until you "have to go to the bathroom". You know to be civil and if he initiates, shake hands (all a handshake means in this content is that you both agree not to pull out your swords and cut each others' heads off for the time being). This is out of respect for the person throwing the party and for everyone else there. Edited November 16, 2011 by Imajerk17
RecordProducer Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 Imagine how the President would act with his former enemy. That's your rapper for what a decent behavior is (not talking about any particular president, just whatever your perception of a formal, classy behavior would be). He (or she) would probably smile, say hello and spend one minute in a neutral small talk. On the other hand, if there was a newspaper that threw insults at the president on a regular basis, how would he act in an encounter with the paper's owner? Probably not too kind, but still civil. My point is: do you want to be a gentleman or do you want to "show" them? Because you could totally make fools out of them (or yourself). You could insult them or offend them without anyone noticing. You could even do it subtly ("Hi darling, what's wrong, are you sick?") You could not go at all. Whatever you choose, make sure it's a choice that you can happily live with. Recently, I made a choice to not go to a place because of my bad terms with my ex. Everyone thought I was out of my mind. I didn't go and I felt really good and at peace with myself for not going.
Author counterman Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 Jono, that would be gold His reaction would be priceless. I wish I did stand up to him back in high school. It's like when you don't stand up to these people, they think their way of doing things is the right way...But he's done a lot of bad things, and I have given him a lot of chances but, obviously, he's not my friend anymore. Don't think he'll be making too many jokes when I'm around. Betterdeal, you're right, half full as oppose to half empty now It reminds me when was with my ex and how she use to tell me to ignore this guy ( her current boyfriend) and other guys as they were flirting with her... I was wondering, why she never stood up for our relationship and told them to back off? Well, I'm not going to be passive about it; if someone is clearly invading my personal space, they'll hear it. I'll be polite and enjoy the company of others I wish people thought he was a nobber though, apparently, people think he's "cool" -- he's a two-faced to my opinion. Imajerk17, thanks for the get out card, I'll keep in mind if the situation arises I agree, I should be civil out of respect for my friend who's throwing the party. It's just courtesy to him and the others... Although, I do get caught up in my emotions sometimes, I should be okay, unless something really provokes me. I'll shake his hand, but like I said, if it's a theatrical, over-enthusiastic shake i.e. trying to be my best buddy and I'll go even further and say if he touches my head or gives me a playful hug, I'm just going to look him square in the eye and shake my head and walk away. Doubt he'll do it though RecordProducer, I don't want to show them. I want to be my usual self, without them affecting me. I have had thoughts a long while about showing them, but what's the point? I guarantee that if I brought a hot date to the party, my ex's blood would boil, but I guess that's not a purpose I'm really after. I would be civil but not overly accommodating. As for choosing not to go, you're absolutely right -- that's a valid choice and if you're happy with it, it shouldn't matter what everyone else thinks. I have done this in the past, chosen not to go (this was right after the break up) because I was still healing and at times, I just plain didn't want to see her or him. However, if I choose to go, it'll be for my enjoyment... Plus, I'll only go if some of my other friends are going, or else it'll be boring.
Recommended Posts