Ready to give wife Thanksgiving Surprise

[Super Duper]

My wife and I have been married for over ten years, and we have a child. After our daughter was born, I became distant. I was never really open emotionally anyway.

 

To cope with being a mom, and my distance, she retreated into a fantasy world on the internet around a movie star. She was on the internet all the time, sharing sex-related emails with other members and creating videos and stuff. She would sit on the couch and ignore me and do this night after night. This went on for years. I put up with it because I knew she needed an outlet, and there was never any moment where I felt justified in putting my foot down about her behavior.

 

A few months ago, she confessed to cheating on me twice--the first time a year and a half ago, and the other one just this summer. This forced me to realize that I hadn't been meeting her emotional and physical needs, and that I really did want our relationship to be strong.

 

I vowed to analyze myself and change. She agreed to do the same with herself.

 

I have changed quite a bit already. She has commented on it, and so have many others. But here's the problem...it doesn't seem to be nearly enough to please her.

 

For every time she talks about how strong our relationship has become, she makes a sniping comment about how unhappy she is (she really lets fly when she's depressed.) She also says that she just has to accept that our relationship will never be all that passionate. And she acts like she's just with me because she has no other good options.

 

I know that she lost her attraction to me, and I accept that I have to rebuild that attraction. But now my efforts are starting to seem hopeless, and worse, thankless. I feel like I don't care. I wanted to avoid separation/divorce, and now I'm no so afraid of it.

 

She's beautiful, and has other good qualities, but she is just making me unhappy and acting like she doesn't have faith in me.

 

I have put a lot of work into this. It has been hell emotionally.

 

Today, I have the overwhelming urge to leave her. I will stay close by and see my daughter. Right now, as I contemplate this, I don't know if I am being strong/wise or weak/foolish.

 

I don't know if I'm giving up too soon or finally being smart.

 

Super Duper

[ChelseaLS]

Super Duper, can you trust her? Even with all this work YOU have done. What has she done? Did she actually work on herself?

 

Ever tried marriage counselling?

 

I don't think leaving someone every feels 100% right at the moment. So many emotions involved.

[Super Duper]

She has worked on herself. She is more confident and has more self-esteem. She spends less time online with her internet friends. She has analyzed why she's always been attracted to "player" type guys (like the guys she cheated with) and how she can avoid falling into same trap.

 

But to your point, I am worried that she will become a serial cheater. Our marriage didn't fall apart when she confessed to me. It brought about change.

 

We have gone to marriage counseling.

[wilsonx]

There's a couple things in here. It has to do with your happiness and her happiness.

 

You are responsible for your own happiness. She's responsible for her own. Cheating never solves the happiness problem or makes the lack of happiness go away. I've dealt with a cheater before and it ate at me for a long time. If you honestly overcame it, then good for you.

 

Her making snide comments at you is a sign that shes unhappy. You can not make an unhappy person happy. That's her responsibility to fix. Its also a sign of a toxic person. There's a quote i read that stuck with me in realizing who toxic people are. It states, "Fondness breeds contempt." Its absolutely true.

 

Another thing I want to hit on is the attraction aspect, thats her fault more then yours too. The second she hit the cheat button, it completely crushes the attraction she has for the original person. Its devastating. She's explaining why shes attracted to the player types. I think that's who shes attracted to in general.

 

I don't know if you have done IC but I think you should. I'm pretty sure that your communication with one another is pretty non existant, and with communication, I mean boundary setting, "When you do this, it makes me feel this way". Everytime she makes a snide comment to you, say that instantly, "Everytime you make a snide comment in my direction it makes me feel........... " Own your feelings. That way she knows and you know. If she can't make you feel the way you want to feel, then its time for you to work on your happiness and work on your child's happiness

 

Im sorry you have to deal with this, its very heartbreaking.

[Super Duper]

Thanks, Wilson. Very helpful. I also read your thread about Attraction and that resonated with me.

 

I'm not over her cheating. I didn't want to make a knee-jerk decision over the shock of her confession. But of course, it's part of a pattern (not just of cheating) that I'm now doubting will ever change.

 

I had faith, but now I've gone the other way.

 

When we were dating, many years ago, she gave me two red flags that I chose to ignore, or was just too naive to comprehend.

 

She had attempted suicide about four years before we met. And she admitted that she had always been attracted to "player/jerk/narcissist" guys, but she was done with them and glad she found me.

 

Here's another red flag: When we were engaged, she confessed to me that a player type of guy had kissed her after a company party.

 

She has improved in how she copes with her depression, but I feel like it's an anchor that drags me down, too.

 

I guess I'm just unloading my frustrations, but it's helping me think things through.

 

I don't know what IC stands for, but I'll look into it.

 

Thanks.

[wilsonx]

Individual counseling sorry ...

 

That suicide one is a huge huge red flag as with any type of self destructive behavior. Cutting, excessive drinking, drug use, extreme sex patterns, excessive relationship jumping.

[nu464]

you must keep on moving on!!