Changing your wardrobe/dressing style for the person you're dating?

[tigressA]

Criticizing your style and trying to get you to wear what he likes in the way he has been is rather rude and controlling. He liked you enough to ask you to be his girlfriend, why the desire to have you change? I will never understand people with this fixer-upper mentality.

[Emilia]

Maybe he wants you to dress nicer for him when you are out on a date to make him feel more special? I usually mix it up a bit when I'm seeing someone. Wear casual clothes, especially when we are doing something sporty but on other days I'll wear something feminine because I know men like skirts and dresses.

 

I had one boyfriend that commented a lot on other people's clothes and appearances and he was pretty controlling - but I only learned that about him later.

 

If it's neither of the above then I don't get it. What's the point trying to change someone when you know what they are like already?

 

OP you said your boyfriend didn't like the way you dressed when you met but liked your personality and that doesn't really makes sense. It appears to me that he is trying to mold you.

[norajane]

Then on our second date after becoming official so to speak, he tells me that he doesn't like the way I dress because it is too "guyish".

 

I was pretty surprised, because his own style doesn't reflect his emphasis on my choice of clothing.

 

That doesn't surprise me. Basically, he doesn't want you dressing the way he does. That's what he means by your clothes are "guyish" and he wants a more "feminine" look.

 

Now, I take care that I wear girly clothes when going out with him, but sometimes i would just like to wear jeans and a sweater.

 

Now, I sometimes do feel like I am overdressing while he's still in jeans and a t-shirt. Ex: he asked me to dress nice for a church event, so I take care, pull out the leather shoes, plaid blouse, form fitting jeans, I arrive and he is there in jeans, a t-shirt with small holes and sandals...

 

I guess I'm a little confused.

 

Your definition of comfy (jeans and sweater) doesn't really sound that different from his definition of girly (jeans and plaid blouse). (Plaid? That's girly?)

 

And you mention leather shoes being girly...what kind of shoes do you usually wear?

 

It seems like it wouldn't be too hard to find a middle ground, but I'm not clear on how different the style he'd like really is from your style.

[Negative Nancy]

Many of our values line up with respect to religion, family, work, etc. However, one of our major differences that I am currently struggling with is that he places a lot of emphasis on what I wear, especially when we go out in public/to events. However, ironically, his style of dressing isn't exactly dressy.

 

I have been kind of a tomboy most of my 23 years (soon to be 24), however, I do dress up for whatever the occasion calls for (usually for work). I have slowly started changing my wardrobe after my bf requested that I wear more "girl style clothes"

 

Are we dating the same man? my boyfriend wants me to dress "sexier" too cos I'm very casual (jeans, shirt, sneakers are good enough for me and so comfortable anyway). my bf has a collar fetish, i swear to god, because he always tells me how he likes it when girls wear jackets with collars, in addition to tight jeans (the kind of jeans that are so tight around your ankle that it makes your figur look like a carrot) and some stupid high boots that make you look like an eastern european street hooker. I refuse to change my style completely, F that in the A, I told him if that's what he wants he needs to find someone who wears that ****. I admit though that I let him talk me into getting a jacket with a collar last winter cos it looks pretty badass on me.

and that's as far i would go: if i like stuff, but ONLY then, i will consider his suggestions. that would be me advise for you too - consider it if you like what he suggests and ignore it if it would not be "You" anymore in those clothes.

 

you should stick to your guns and suggest to him to wear something completely opposite to what he's wearing right now, something he'd feel uncomfortable in. give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he likes it - then talk to him again.

Edited November 15, 2011 by Negative Nancy

[FitChick]

I have no problem dressing to please a boyfriend. If I don't have a certain item of clothing he'd like to see me wear, he is welcome to take me shopping (which I hate) and buy it for me. Men are happy to do that so it's win-win.

[jib]

What does he ear when you go out?

 

If this is affecting you to the point where you are tired and stressed over it you need to sit your boyfriend down and tell you how this is affecting you.

 

There is a difference between a boyfriend saying something like, "hey babe, I'd love to see you in a dress/ this dress" vs. a response of his being along the lines that you "can" wear clothes he likes when you go out in public but the clothes you like in private. That's controlling and messed up. His behavior is so controlling it's affecting you emotionally and making you feel tired. You need to be very honest about how this issue is affecting you. And you need to be firm about what you choose for yourself and how you need his respect in that or the relationships isn't going to work. I don't think it's bad to sometimes wear what a partner wants if you like it too. But from what you said, he seems more controlling then most.

 

 

Very insightful and very true. Becaus today it's your clothes, tomorrow it might be something else he wants you to change. And his inability to compromise on things is not going to be magically fixed. You need to stand firm about what you want out of a relationship and how you want him to treat you when you don't feel like he is treating you well. Because like you said, you will keep trying to please him and you will begin to harbor feelings of resentment because of the pressure he is placing on you to be someone else.

 

 

So he acknowledges it's a problem for him but he still wants you to conform to his own issues with outward appearance...not healthy behavior Jib.

 

 

If my boyfriend wanted to see me in a certain style that I didn't find offensive, I would give it a try. If he picked something out and said "could you wear this for me", I'd do it. But if he wanted to change my entire style because he was worried about what other people were thinking, that would be a huge issue. If he wanted me to wear clothes only he approved in public and told me I "can" wear what I want in private, that's an issue. I need to be with a man that doesn't care what other people think. And likes me for me.

 

I feel like he wants me to change my entire style. He basically asked me to wear clothes he likes when we are out and about in public and then to weary "regular girl clothes suitable to my age" when it's just the two of us. Ever since date #2 when he first brought up this issue, I haven't once, worn my old clothes so to speak. He has mentioned that he is afraid that if I wear my old clothes, people will go up to him and be like "don't you know how to buy clothes for your girlfriend?" I was kind of hurt when he said this, because it seemed like he cared more about what others thought about him, that my feelings. If I don't care what others think, why should he? I would like him to like me for who I am, however, I don't think he has ever understood the way I dress. He told me the other day that he thought once we were official I would automatically change my style of dress to be more girly and feminine, thus he was really surprised when I didn't. Lol, I was surprised that he cared so much.

 

I have had long and very honest conversations about this issue with him, but it is in the process of being resolved. I wanted to ask for advice and learn about the experience of others who have come across similar situations. I don't mind wearing clothes that he likes, but I don't want him to think that I will do that every single time, because that style isn't me. Thus, my asking for a failed compromise thus far.

 

Usually, when we go out, he is just in jeans and a t-shirt/long sleeve shirt, nothing dressy like slacks or dress shirts, etc.

[jib]

I have ONE question and one question ONLY.

 

I appreciate your apprehension and uncomfortableness re. he wants you to wear some different clothes. OTOH, you could keep an open mind, go shopping together, have some fun, you never know what might suit you ... BUT IS HE GOING TO PAY?

 

Seriously though.

 

I have been trying to keep an open mind, however, the one time we went shopping it was for his clothes, not enough time. In addition, he doesn't know what style he likes exactly. Thus far, over the course of our conversations, I have gathered that he likes cardigans and plaid blouses, doesn't like leather jackets (too guyish), doesn't like skinny jeans, doesn't like mini skirts, and doesn't like flare jeans. He has mentioned that when I go home for Christmas he will take me shopping and pay for several pieces of clothing that he likes and that I find acceptable, so yes, he is totally willing to pay =)

[jib]

Are we dating the same man? if i like stuff, but ONLY then, i will consider his suggestions. that would be me advise for you too - consider it if you like what he suggests and ignore it if it would not be "You" anymore in those clothes.

 

you should stick to your guns and suggest to him to wear something completely opposite to what he's wearing right now, something he'd feel uncomfortable in. give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he likes it - then talk to him again.

 

Lol, thank you for your advice Negative Nancy:D Hehe, I will see if I can come up with something he feels uncomfortable in, but not out of spite, just so he understands how I feel every time we go out. I feel a lot of pressure because he cares so much about what other people think.

[jib]

so ask him why he doesn't dress nicer when he tells you to?

 

there's some sort of very strange ulterior motive here if he isn't doing the same thing, you just have to sniff it out somehow...

 

Hehe, if you are still thinking about the church/religious fantasy don't. I seriously don't think that is what he is after.

 

In response to your question, his sense of style isn't the best that I have come across. I mentioned that he does make an effort to wear the shirts that I said look nice on him. However, with regards to asking him to dress nicer, I haven't really made any requests. I only told him that if he requests me to dress a certain degree of dressiness then he do the same, so that when we go out, we aren't off balance so to speak.

 

I don't know what other ulterior motive there would be...I don't know guys any other thoughts?

[jib]

Great suggestions! I would add that you need to lay down a boundary line. He will respect you. You have compromised and shown him like a good girlfriend that you are influenced by him. You want to please him -- to a point. You are who you are. He doesn't get to reinvent you.

 

A tomboy who dresses up every once in a while is appropriate. What isn't is a tomboy who gets turned into a girlie-girl. You don't throw out your basic nature.

 

Next time he asks you to dress up when you go out, kid around with him and ask him he plans on wearing his ripped jeans and sandals. Raise one eyebrow and look at him sideways, as in non-verbal, "Ahh, no." Flip the script.

 

Personally, I enjoy a bit of both kinds of dressing. I do find that guys like feminine. You could wear jeans, flats and a silky sexy kind of top. You don't have to dress head to toe girly. Add one element. Go jeans, t-shirt, and high heels, or boots...

 

Wear a few pieces of nice lingerie around the house once in a while. The key is whatever you are comfortable with.

 

If you feel like you are turning yourself inside out to please him, then you are crossing a line and not being true to yourself.

 

I once had a boyfriend who always wanted me to wear backless, low cut slutty tops with super low rise jeans and high heels. He liked watching other guys get hot for me. It was all about him. I felt like a hooker, and only put an end to that crap.

 

My rule is one sexy article of clothing that shows off one part of my body. I will pick one from a menu of shoulders, legs, back, boobs, etc...

 

So maybe wear a sexy shoulder baring top with jeans and flats. That would work. But it doesn't have to be every day.

 

You can rock tomboy sexy, too. No bra or undies, let's say! But, you are the whole package, just the way you are!

 

blueskyday, thank you very much for your suggestions and advice, I will try and implement them over winter break when I get to see him.

[jib]

I think your bf has some insecurities that he is projecting on you, or it could be that you have ended up being a status symbol for him.

 

Either way, there is nothing wrong with tomboyish girls, some ppl find them hot (i melt when i see tomboyish girls who are toned and have a-cups).

 

:)Thanks for the vote of confidence.

 

I think that what you said in the first paragraph may have some truth to it. He mentioned that when I wear more guyish/tomboyish clothes, he feels like I am not feminine enough for him to take care of/protect/be with. I don't know about the status symbol part, but then again...our backgrounds are kind of different. I was born and raised in the U.S. he was born abroad and then immigrated to the U.S. later becoming a U.S. citizen.

[jib]

Maybe he wants you to dress nicer for him when you are out on a date to make him feel more special? I usually mix it up a bit when I'm seeing someone. Wear casual clothes, especially when we are doing something sporty but on other days I'll wear something feminine because I know men like skirts and dresses....If it's neither of the above then I don't get it. What's the point trying to change someone when you know what they are like already?

 

OP you said your boyfriend didn't like the way you dressed when you met but liked your personality and that doesn't really makes sense. It appears to me that he is trying to mold you.

 

I do try and dress nice to make him feel special, that is why I put in the effort. But I feel like he wants me to wear feminine clothes all the time no matter the occasion, hence my concern. I don't think he understands how my dressing is a large part of who I am. I usually dress so that people don't notice me, I prefer people to look me in the eyes when they first talk to me instead of looking at the clothes I wear. However, while I am not pretty or beautiful, I clean up ok when required.

 

Perhaps I should explain. I feel like our relationship isn't the norm in that we both had intense feelings of liking for each other and then acted promptly on those feelings. I am currently in grad school, however, I had good feelings toward him as a freshman/sophomore in undergrad. He started to have good feelings toward me from junior year and beyond. However, neither of us knew the the other liked us. In addition, he is pretty reserved. Thus, it was only when he was going to graduate that he told me that he liked me and wanted to start a relationship with me. Thus, while we had known each other for quite some time, in many aspects, we did not really know each other well (likes, dislikes) we only mutually observed over the years that the other person had qualities and characteristics that we liked and priorities that we shared. When he asked me to be his gf, I wasn't looking for a boyfriend per se and hadn't thought of "my liking him" in a long time, but felt like we had an opportunity and the ability to start a serious relationship and see where it would take us. Thus, over the course of our relationship, and getting to know each other better, I feel like my liking for him has increased, as has his liking for me. So, when I say he was first attracted to my personality...I think that is true...not sure, heh

[jib]

That doesn't surprise me. Basically, he doesn't want you dressing the way he does. That's what he means by your clothes are "guyish" and he wants a more "feminine" look.

 

 

 

I guess I'm a little confused.

 

Your definition of comfy (jeans and sweater) doesn't really sound that different from his definition of girly (jeans and plaid blouse). (Plaid? That's girly?)

 

And you mention leather shoes being girly...what kind of shoes do you usually wear?

 

It seems like it wouldn't be too hard to find a middle ground, but I'm not clear on how different the style he'd like really is from your style.

 

I guess I should clarify, one of the points of contention is that he hasn't made clear what exactly is his style, hence my frustration. Second, after thinking about it more, I have a feeling that I learn more towards casual and comfy like a hoodie+t-shirt+jeans than dressy and somewhat less comfy like form fitting jeans and shirts. Leather shoes, leather pumps, I usually wear sneakers. Plaid isn't girlie per se, but it appears to be a style/design that he likes, thus why I wore it.

[jib]

Criticizing your style and trying to get you to wear what he likes in the way he has been is rather rude and controlling. He liked you enough to ask you to be his girlfriend, why the desire to have you change? I will never understand people with this fixer-upper mentality.

 

I don't know why exactly. But oftentimes when you like/care for someone, you want them to become the best that they can be, be it physically, emotionally , spiritually, mentally, etc. And when they aren't on that path you may become upset or anxious. On the other hand, it could be argued that if you really liked someone, you would appreciate them completely, flaws and all. Analogously, it is kind of like saying love is kindness, you just want them to be happy. On the flip side, you could say love is wanting to help the other person reach and maximize their full potential, so if they aren't taking care of themselves, you are going to say something. There is also the distinction between trying to change the essence of who they are versus some of their not so healthy behaviors, which may be more reasonable and realistic. Hehe, this is a whole other dimension.

[norajane]

He told me the other day that he thought once we were official I would automatically change my style of dress to be more girly and feminine, thus he was really surprised when I didn't.

 

That's an unusual expectation. Where did he form that expectation? Has he ever had other relationships?

 

Usually, you fall for people whose style you already like, not one whose style you expect will change immediately into something else.

 

Maybe he is just naive about women, clothes, and relationships.

[jib]

That's an unusual expectation. Where did he form that expectation? Has he ever had other relationships?

 

Usually, you fall for people whose style you already like, not one whose style you expect will change immediately into something else.

 

Maybe he is just naive about women, clothes, and relationships.

 

I have no idea where he formed that expectation. This is his first relationship and my second one.

 

I agree that usually you fall for people whose style you already like =)

the 3rd line has merit.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I feel like he wants me to change my entire style. He basically asked me to wear clothes he likes when we are out and about in public and then to weary "regular girl clothes suitable to my age" when it's just the two of us. Ever since date #2 when he first brought up this issue, I haven't once, worn my old clothes so to speak. He has mentioned that he is afraid that if I wear my old clothes, people will go up to him and be like "don't you know how to buy clothes for your girlfriend?" I was kind of hurt when he said this, because it seemed like he cared more about what others thought about him, that my feelings. If I don't care what others think, why should he? I would like him to like me for who I am, however, I don't think he has ever understood the way I dress. He told me the other day that he thought once we were official I would automatically change my style of dress to be more girly and feminine, thus he was really surprised when I didn't. Lol, I was surprised that he cared so much.

 

I have had long and very honest conversations about this issue with him, but it is in the process of being resolved. I wanted to ask for advice and learn about the experience of others who have come across similar situations. I don't mind wearing clothes that he likes, but I don't want him to think that I will do that every single time, because that style isn't me. Thus, my asking for a failed compromise thus far.

 

Usually, when we go out, he is just in jeans and a t-shirt/long sleeve shirt, nothing dressy like slacks or dress shirts, etc.

 

He brought this "issue" up on your second date? Hunny, seriously, this guy is way too controlling and has some insecurity issues of his own. In my own experience, this isn't going to stop with clothes. Today it's clothes, tomorrow it's something much bigger.

 

He has proven that he cares very much about what otherse think, over your own comfort and joy, he says it's a problem and admits that but he still wants you to cater to his desires, and he's not even lookng to compromise on anything. If I was honest, I would suggest a new boyfriend. But if you really really don't want to break up with him for whatever reason, I suggest you play his own game and tell him that from now on, in public, you'd like to see him dressed in slacks and button down shirts. And that in private, he can dress how it best pleases him. He is using you as some kind of status symbol (which someone else had already rightly said).

[Els]

He brought this "issue" up on your second date? Hunny, seriously, this guy is way too controlling and has some insecurity issues of his own. In my own experience, this isn't going to stop with clothes. Today it's clothes, tomorrow it's something much bigger.

 

He has proven that he cares very much about what otherse think, over your own comfort and joy, he says it's a problem and admits that but he still wants you to cater to his desires, and he's not even lookng to compromise on anything.

 

I don't usually agree with DY, but I think she's spot on with this observation. Second date??? I mean, gosh, what sort of person thinks they have a right to dictate, however nicely, what their not-even-gf wears on the second date? I'm not sure what you wore on that date, but really, unless it was a torn T-shirt and dirty shorts, it really is out of line for him to criticize.

 

Edit: I don't know, the more I think about your thread, the more strange it sounds to me. The second date and persistent asking... My experience has been that oftentimes men care less about what a woman wears than other women do, but then again I've mostly been with men who really did not care about dress, either mine or theirs. I think expressing dressing preferences in a light-hearted way can be fun - as others said, you can go shopping and buy items for each other and such, and it's great that you're planning to do that. That is possibly the only downside with men who don't care about what you wear - it's great to feel that you don't need to doll yourself up to have them attracted to you, but they sure as hell aren't going to be taking you shopping because to them, your jeans and t-shirt are just fine so why bother with more?

 

Anyway, cutting to the chase, what concerns me is the manner in which your bf did it. 'Your style makes people think I can't afford to buy you clothes, so don't wear it when we're out' is just... a horrible thing to say.

Edited November 16, 2011 by Elswyth

[Els]

Also, I just realized that I had not even answered the question. Sorry. Umm, personally I have health issues that prevent me from wearing certain types of clothes. And frankly, I'm the sort of girl that really can't be bothered to spend a boatload of time on my appearance - shopping once in a long while is okay, but I would really rather not spend hours in salons and mani/pedi shops and styling my hair.. and therein lies the problem for a woman, I think - when you dress up, you need to do the whole ensemble - hair, makeup, dress, shoes, shave.. Because a ponytail just doesn't go very well with a fancy dress, and neither does a skirt with unshaven legs. I think I'd probably wear skirts more often if I didn't need to shave everytime I wear one.

 

All that being said, if the bf had playfully tried to introduce some items of clothing into my wardrobe, I would happily wear them for him on occasion - I'd always thought it'd be a fun game. But if he had broached it the way yours did? No. I would probably also have dropped the guy, to be honest. It reveals great hypocrisy in a person to expect things of a partner that they don't bother to do themselves, and also rings a few giant alarm bells that he would expect me to change something that isn't really wrong about myself, completely, just to impress other people.

Edited November 16, 2011 by Elswyth

[tigressA]

All that being said, if the bf had playfully tried to introduce some items of clothing into my wardrobe, I would happily wear them for him on occasion - I'd always thought it'd be a fun game. But if he had broached it the way yours did? No. I would probably also have dropped the guy, to be honest. It reveals great hypocrisy in a person to expect things of a partner that they don't bother to do themselves, and also rings a few giant alarm bells that he would expect me to change something that isn't really wrong about myself, completely, just to impress other people.

 

I agree completely...I also do think that his comment about your style making people think he can't afford to buy you clothes was incredibly offensive and hurtful. The more I read about this guy the more I think he's an insensitive, hypocritical jerk who for whatever reason feels the need to knock you down.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

I don't usually agree with DY, but I think she's spot on with this observation.

 

I don't tend to agree with you either but I did in another thread. Although I didn't exactly feel the need to say how much I don't usually agree with you before saying how I agreed with you.

[FitChick]

You can find form fitting clothes that are comfortable. Read the label and look for Lycra. It stretches.

 

Here is an example. Totally covered up but sexy and comfy.

Edited November 16, 2011 by FitChick

[Negative Nancy]

I think I'd probably wear skirts more often if I didn't need to shave everytime I wear one.

 

does that mean you only shave your legs occasionally?

[Els]

I don't tend to agree with you either but I did in another thread. Although I didn't exactly feel the need to say how much I don't usually agree with you before saying how I agreed with you.

 

Oh come now, that was merely to emphasize the fact that our opinions being similar in this case is not a mere case of 'rally round your girlfriends and gang up on the poor man', as is often accused.

 

does that mean you only shave your legs occasionally?

 

Yeah, why would I spend 5 minutes of every day shaving such a large surface area that is wont to grow back quickly? The bf does not mind unshaved as he is the sort of man that truly appreciates natural (as opposed to natural-but-really-has-3-layers-of-concealer-and-perfectly-hairless), and nobody except him is going to be looking at my legs unless I wear skirts, are they?

[grkBoy]

My question is how far would you go in changing your style of dressing for the person you're dating seriously? Any other tips and suggestions are welcome. Thank you!

 

I think it's ok for a SO to ask or inquire, but your boyfriend seems a bit over-the-top. It's like if he had a deep crush on Christie Hendricks when she's dressed as "Joan" in Mad Men...and thus wanted you to color your hair red and dress like her all the time to satisfy his fetish. In the end though, he's not loving you for you...but loving a fantasy and making you a warm body to play that role.

 

I usually try to stay open-minded when my fiance or any girl in my past would make suggestions to me. I mainly do this because in the past I was not very knowledgeable on men's fashion, and thus I found it wonderful to have some real help. However, I drew lines. I had one girl who really would love to see me in polos, sweaters, and khakis, which I never liked that look. She first tried to coerce me, but I never budged.

 

I'll be out with my fiance, and funny enough we'll find clothing for one another. Not trying to dress one another up, but we'll just see something and we'll say "I think you would look good in that. Humor me...try it on." Most of the time, it ends up as "This does look good...nice pick."

 

I think if you're wanting to dress all "tom boy" or "super relaxed" to social affairs, and he wants you looking a little more "feminine", then I can see that. But if you're dressed in the fitted jeans, nice top, heeled-shoes, etc. and he wants you in a mini dress with high heels, then I think it's over the top.

 

From what you're saying, it sounds like he's trying to control you. Plus he should be just as willing to dress in ways you like. I always roll my eyes when I go to a wedding now and see someone there in jeans, sneakers, and a polo shirt. Um...hello? You ever heard of a suit? Even moreso when I see guys who won't wear a full suit, but jeans, sneakers, and the shirt/tie/jacket. *facepalm*

 

I think any SO has a right to ask or make a comment if he/she thinks you are dressed very inappropriately for an affair, but he/she shouldn't be able to sit there constantly trying to dress you like a Barbie or Ken doll in the hopes of fulfilling some "picture perfect" fantasy.