robaday Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 I broke up with someone 3 weeks ago. I loved her, but we were arguing all the time and she was hurting. She wanted more from me but I couldnt give it - something was preventing me from giving her that full commitment she deserved. We had known each other for three years. Had been lovers, then friends then lovers again. She is incredibly hurt right now and has a lot of anger at me. I don't deserve her forgiveness, but I had to prevent more hurt. It had become destructive and while I will miss her incredibly every day, I didnt want any more hurt or pain. I have made it clear every time we have spoken since that there are no hard feelings on my part, I have tried to show that I am there for her throughout the grieving process and am her friend. The last time we spoke it was peaceful and we wished each other well. I guess that's it. I have to move on. I've lost someone amazing from my life. I hope one day we can talk again, and build a different relationship as friends. I hope one day she can forgive me and understand why this had to end.
pd8mxq Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 Hi Rob, I am not going to say you are the bad guy who left. You must have the reasons. Is it that you lost yourslef in the relationship and now you are trying to find yourself again and left? Your ex is hurting and I am sure you are too from what you typed. You still have feelings for her and it will be there for a while. For me Rob, what you typed is exactly of what my ex of 8 years told me when he left 11 months ago. He cares and will always be there for me. But he says it does not feel right for me to be his partner for the rest of his life. As of this date I am still hurt. On a dumpee point of view, I had hatred but I have come to terms that I love my ex too much to hate. But I just cannot understand why he left and that it probably applies to your ex. I hope you will be ok. Maybe being there for her is not the best thing for her. I know you probably want to stick by her to show that you are not all bad. But it will be hard for her as she will always have feelings for you if you stick by her side. I do have a question to ask you. If you love her so much, why would you not tell her and perhaps talk things through?
Author robaday Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 Thanks for your post. I always had doubts about us. And, regardless of whether they were founded or not, she knew that. It was horrible for her. I tried to put them aside but they were always there. I began sabotaging and taking out my frustration on her - she did not deserve it and I am appalled at my own behavior. I realized I was hurting her through my own unhappiness. Yes I am a loser, who didnt appreciate her enough. I felt like I would have been selfish holding on to her. I live abroad, I travel with work, coupled with settling into a new country, I am also not here for 4 months out of 12 a year. I guess her becoming increasingly frustrated with my absence, coupled with trust issues on both our parts, just made things dificult for me to sustain. Im going through a period of change in my life - Ive moved to a different city, changed jobs, am trying to develop everything I neglected in my youth (I was heavily into drugs/party scene) now Im boxing, learning languages, and discovering all the things I feel I need to do to be a man who can settle in a few years. I would tell her how much I love her, believe me. But until Im 100% sure I can give her what she wants........I would feel like Im giving her false hope - I know if a dumper told me that they still loved me, but werent prepared to give me what I want, it would be a betrayal. I feel strongly that right now this decision is for the best - down the line if I was lucky to get a second chance which I highly doubt, we would have both done the work neecessary on ourselves to make it work properly. Yes, I am aware that staying in her life right now will do more harm than good. I am going to stay away for 3 months, or at least until we have both had time to grieve.
lovesick1 Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 Oh man bud my situation is so similar to yours. Me and my ex of 1 day now had been mostly together for 2.5 years, mostly long distance. I always had feelings that kept me from committing myself fully to her. She knew it and it hurt her. But she stuck with me continually, was supportive, loving, caring, and only wanted a little of that in return. Needless to say, I was not very good at it. Towards the end of our relationship I had become a very supportive and loving boyfriend, but in my situation, where I am going to be graduating college shortly, I felt as if I needed to move on and experience some parts of college I hadn't really gotten to. She wanted to be there and told me she would support me in any decision I made, but I never took it to heart. She did have her jealously and trust issues, we usually worked through them but I guess I just got tired of having to contact her every hour or so when I was trying to have fun with my friends. She would say some pretty ridiculous things like, "Don't put a to try and make me think you are missing me. Actually show me and I'll leave you alone!" I felt this was a long time coming and now that I finally told her I wanted to be with other people, I couldn't be any more sad. So many feelings of ambivalence for so long about what to do, with a gut feeling of knowing we should probably split, and I am a complete emotional basketcase without her. It sucks bro, I know exactly what you are going through. I know you want nothing but the best for her and love her with all your heart, and wish you could have been able to so simply give her what she deserved. But my take on it is, some things just aren't meant to be between two people-- like me and my love, you and yours, and the two of you will most likely be happier in the long run, ultimately. Best of luck mate, life moves on and things get better, even if it doesn't seem like they will Cheers
JudgeJuryExecutioner Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 In all due respect, it will never "feel right"- with anyone, anywhere. That type of myth-making undermines many decent human relationships. I would like to see intuition held constant over time, but it probably is of the more capacious, and erratic variety of human decision-making. Expecting a person to satisfy this highly abstract intuitive sense is virtually impossible. This illusionary aspect belongs more to the it "felt right" subjective moment, i.e. GIGS, hookups, rebounds, honeymoon periods, etc- than it does enduring and substantive relationships. Predicating a breakup on a kneejerk gut-like feeling usually in the end only promotes ambivalence when one reevaluates things logically. Personally, I think utility is the best measure: does the relationship work? Are both our needs being requited, etc? Individuals often will unnecessary drama into their lives premised on vague and fleeting constructions. Rather, the issue should be restated as: what does my intuition, empirically speaking, suggest as evidence that my relationship is somehow inadequate. That is, "something that was preventing me..." -translates into what? Moreover, the absence concrete solutions IS the intangible hunch. This "something" is precisely, I argue, why everyone- namely the dumpees, myself included- are on LS inquiring as to its answer. So then, in your discrete case: what is the something? And lastly, is this something grounded. For real flesh-and-blood human beings need not suffer over a concept one cannot even pin-point? Right?
Author robaday Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 It's this - I like a lot of freedom in my relationships, so I can grow. She took this to be a rejection of her. Im not talking about screwing other people. I am talking about learning languages, working 60+ hrs a week, plus having a little bit of time with friends. After arguing over this very thing for months at a stretch, she didnt agree with my lifestyle, and I didnt agree with her expectations. I tried to explain where I was coming from, and she also explained where she was coming from. While she accepted my position (or at least said as much), the arguments continued, so I felt guilty for working so hard, or indeed doing sport etc. Perhaps it was selfish of me to get involved with such a busy lifestyle. But, I loved her so stayed. At the time of the breakup, we had been seeing each other for a decent time, and I still hadnt changed and been able to give her more. So really - I felt I was wasting her time and holding her back.
hooliganization Posted December 6, 2011 Posted December 6, 2011 I have made it clear every time we have spoken since that there are no hard feelings on my part, I have tried to show that I am there for her throughout the grieving process and am her friend. The last time we spoke it was peaceful and we wished each other well. I guess that's it. I have to move on. I've lost someone amazing from my life. I hope one day we can talk again, and build a different relationship as friends. I hope one day she can forgive me and understand why this had to end. Im in a similiar situation, I was the dumpee. I know it's over. I know we won't be back together. I won't let it happen. I still love him. I have a question. I want to remain friends with my EX-BF of 5 years. He was my best friend. He said I am still his. He said he'd do anything for me. I really just want NC, but I don't understand if he still cares for me...why he hasn't replied or answered to how my mom is. Mom got diagnosed shortly after the breakup with a tumor and has been in the hospital for 3 weeks. He asked about her finally, but... He didn't say anything to it. It hurts because he said he'd be there for me. I really need a friend during this. I wanted to be friends, but I can't believe he waited 2 weeks before asking how she was...and has yet to answer back.
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