Thinking of telling my ex how much I still love him

[SugarHoney]

Me and my ex still talk now and then and I'm considering telling him how much I still love him, but that I can't keep waiting for him indefinitely and eventually I am going to have to move on because I just don't want to be this lonely forever. I'm guessing most people here will tell me its a terrible idea and not to say anything and to be honest I'm not sure I should either. Its been 10 months since we split now but we see each other now and then still and my ex still says he doesn't know what he wants but that he misses me. I'm not sure how and clearly not that much as I highly suspect he's seeing someone else now. I don't know for sure, but seems after all this time he probably has found someone new. Before I was trying to hide from him every time I saw him or anything, but lately I've talked to him a few times.

 

I don't know what to do for the best. Continue to wait and see what happens I guess. Whatever I do, I know the heartache isn't suddenly going to end.

Edited November 14, 2011 by SugarHoney

[nathanjbrown1]

Nice to here.Even though you are both not together but both still communicating each other...It's a good thing..but it needs for you to move on now..If you feel that she is in someone else now..stop waiting...put your attention to someone else..

[geegirl]

Sugar,

 

Do you honestly believe he doesn't know that he loves you? He knows. And if you believe that by telling him, you may jolt him or give him the epiphany he needs to suddenly realize he loves you too to want a relationship with you, then you are really grasping at straws.

 

You have spent 10 months with this song and dance. If you had given yourself these 10 months on NC, you'd be in such a better place right now. Instead you've spent 10 months trying to get someone to choose you. If someone tells you they are not sure about you, let them go. He is never going to make a decision if you are constantly in front of his face. He will never be able to reevaluate or gauge his feelings for you and if he wants an R with you because you're available. If you disappear that will force him to wrestle with his feelings for you and come to a decision. And most possibly by then, you'd feel differently towards him OR you'd have mental and emotional clarity to decide how you'd like to re-establish a relationship with him. I have a feeling you are afraid to let go, because you know the answer, that is why you keep holding on.

 

If you keep doing what you are doing, you are going to be spending another 10 months asking the same question.

 

These have been some of your threads since you came to LS four months ago:

 

- ex talks to me like I am still his gf

- when ex talks to you as if you are still in R

- is it possible to be friends with ex and not love them anymore

- trying to stay friends with ex but it is killing me

- feeling not good enough

- perplexed by breadcrumbs

- does rebounding work (5 months since split)

- wait for ex indefinitely or move to online dating

- feeling inadequate

- regretting NC

- 7 months since break up and struggling

- is my ex bf delusional?

- coping and knowing you are not good enough for your ex

- dreaming of my ex makes me love him and want him even more

 

For months, this is all you have been doing. Why? Because you are in contact with him. You will never be able to detach this way. You will never be able to heal and start living your life. Have you even thought about the possibility of him meeting someone at some point? What would you do then? Because don't for one second believe that just because you're waiting for him to make up his mind, he's going to be sitting at home reflecting about you while he knits.

 

Nothing has changed in 10 months. Look at your threads. He still can't make a decision after 10 months. What does that tell you? Do you really feel good about yourself sitting around waiting for a man to choose you? Waiting for him to see you as worthy? Waiting for him to see if he loves you enough? What does that say about how you value yourself? You'd put your life on hold this way for a man that is NOT SURE about you?

 

If you would like to wait another 10 months to see if he does, by all means, do it if you want to. Just know that by the time you get there, you would have lost another chance to get to a better place and you'll be posting the same threads asking if you should be waiting for someone who clearly is not choosing you. Delaying the inevitable, that is all you are doing.

Edited November 15, 2011 by geegirl

[SugarHoney]

I have tried to stay NC, but its hard to when he's always around and if he sees me he always comes to talk to me, very rarely I have gone up to him and spoken to him first. But you are right, he knows I love him and I shouldn't talk to him at all, or only very briefly then find an excuse and leave. I'm just lacking the strength to stick to it. Before when I was doing NC and I was actually affraid to talk to him (because of what he might say) I was dashing into allyways and darting behind cereal boxes, but when he caught me one time I decided "What would be the harm in talking to him a bit?" (oh how naive I was!).

 

But you are right about me, you are sooo right! I am weak willed, weak minded and I don't deny it. I'm sure I have some sort of personality defect, but I realize this is purely an excuse for not changing. Many people who I talk to about my turmoil are sick of it, so I try to keep quiet about it more in front of others now and I am better, much better than I was 6 months ago as at least I go out now a lot more with friends, to parties and even dating. My mind just has this horrible capacity to keep this love alive in my mind with a mixture of memories and imaginings, like a delusion, as sometimes I even catch myself thinking "We're just on a break. I will see him soon." Which shows you just how messed up I am. In fact I think you asked that, what does it tell you about me that I continue to wait for someone who is very likely never coming back (and btw as I write those words I in no way convinced myself to believe them) what does it say about me when I continue to put myself through this agony in hopes that someone who has hurt me beyond words will one day deem me worthy again.

 

Well it tells you that I am nothing more than a terrified insecure child waiting for her life to be magically fixed by someone else. And I completely acknowledge how pathetic that makes me. I'm pretty sure I have psychological scars left over from childhood. But I know whether I do or not it makes no odds. And yes I am aware that I am using these mysterious hypothetical "issues" as an excuse not to change, but that doesn't alter the fact that I'm not changing. And I honestly am doing all the things people suggest here (except the consistant NC or course, although I have tried. It just proved too difficult in the end to completely maintain) But you are right I need to stop talking to him completely again and that may be possible as I've managed to avoid him lately.

 

And yes you are right, I do know the answer to the question "Does he still love me?", or at least in theory I do. Because even if he does eventually want me back, he clearly doesn't love me that much and I know he is a very narcissistic self-centered person. I know he has a lot of issues and has hurt me more than anyone I've ever known. But even while I'm typing these things I can't bring myself to put all the pieces together and give up. Because I am clinging to him, to my fantasy of him, to my memories of him and I am a clinging person. I know I can change, but I don't, and I don't know why. If that makes sense. I do know that if I really wanted to, I could change. Problem is I don't seem to want to. And I can't wrap my head around that.

 

I think my depression is pretty deep and I have no goals in life anymore. I've tried to infuse myself with them again, by doing the things I love and by going out a lot and burying myself in work. All kinds of things. But my ex is always there with me, in my head. And sure it doesn't help that he often comes up to me to "catch up" and torment me with his uncertainties about life and his confusingly nostalgic way of talking, putting his arm around me calling me "honey". But really I am doing this to myself. And I think I could stop, but I don't know how and I think its because under the surface I don't really want to give up on this fantasy I've constructed in my head.

 

Its like I'm stuck in quick sand and need someone to yank me out, because the desire I have to cling to my ex is so strong and overpowering, I just can't seem to break free on my own. But there is the conundrum. Because I also know that no one else can save me, but me. There is the dilemma. I need to change for my own sanity, but I have no motivation to change, so I am stuck in this vortex and it is no one's fault but my own. Seems I could be stuck here a very very long time. And that prospect breeds hopelessness and futility while obliterating any fragments of ambition, bravery and self esteem left amongst the charred remains of my bleak and washed out soul. I've dug a hole for myself and now I am burying myself alive in my own convoluted web of indecipherable psychological wreckage.

 

I will try to stay NC and keep away from him, but living in a small town with him where we're both always out and about its very difficult. I haven't talked to him for awhile now though (saw him the other day but he didn't see me so I avoided his mixed messages and small talk). Honestly I suspect he's found someone better by now and is moving on. Which is breaking my heart all over again. But maybe it will help me in the long run, I don't know. I sob my heart out so much over a guy who has likely long since moved on, and has been dithering over his feelings for months. I'm such a weak person, I know I am. And I hate myself so much for that.

Edited November 16, 2011 by SugarHoney

[geegirl]

Until you decide you're ready for a change and that you are tired of the same disappointments over and over again, no one will be able to help you until you help yourself. First step is to initiate NC and instill boundaries. If you can't or let me say WON'T do it, this will be your life.

 

Your self esteem is in the tank. You've become an extension of him. You've lost who you are. Without him you are nothing. You romanticize and idealize something that is not even there because it's a safe place to hide from what you fear the most and that is to be alone. So you make all sorts of hopeful delusions in your head and you thrive there.

 

It's an addiction. The only way is to detox. It's pretty sad that you would let one man, take control of your life this way. No goals? Who would ever find that attractive in someone? Do you think he would? No. So, what have you been doing that all these people suggest, EXCEPT the ONE MOST IMPORTANT thing which is NC? If you don't instill NC, the rest means nothing. The definition of insanity is repeating the same things over and over again and expecting different results.

 

He has not chosen you in 10 months. He's left you dangling on a string. If he is a self centered, narcissist, you'll have better luck getting a stranger to pay you attention. He does not love you. When someone loves you, they show you with action. He's not shown you anything, whether in words or in action.

 

You don't have to change, at least right now but maybe do something to change the situation. Make a small change moving forward in how you're going to avoid him or maybe come up with an exit plan if you see him. Maybe changing who you are in order to make right decisions and reinventing yourself seems rather daunting, then how about you make little steps in how you want to approach the situation moving forward? How about setting a small NC goal for yourself? Say a week. And if you feel weak, you wil come here. You will call someone. You will have a backup plan of things you need to do when the urge comes calling. If you can't change you as a person, try to take little steps to change the situation.

 

Have you thought about seeing a therapist to help you sort your feelings and thoughts so that you can find better coping skills in dealing with what you probably already know about yourself?

 

If you want to live in fantasy, then keep doing what you're doing. As the world keeps moving, you're wasting years on something that's not even there. Instead of fantasizing, start thinking. Use your brain and not your heart. When you start to fantasize, consciously snap yourself out of it and THINK. Logically. Realistically. Talk to yourself like a rational friend would talk to you. You let these feelings consume you and that has to stop. Even the way you write is dramatic, forlorn and almost in a fantasy world setting.

 

If you don't NC, you will never heal. You will be posting the same things over and over again. The pain of being away from him has to be much more tolerable than the pain of having spent 10 months waiting for no one. I would hope so at this point.

[lolita jade]

Hi

 

I was in the same boat as you. Split up with my husband of 25 years. Still believing that we were in a rut and would get back together with a little distance and start dating etc.

 

I spent over a year, having coffee, meals, days out, etc etc but also I told him I loved him and acted pretty needy and used to cry etc etc. He repaid me by saying I pushed him away being like this as he wanted space. He has been seeing someone else for 4 months and it is killing me like hell. I now have to do the no contact thing and he doesnt want to know me. spending Christmas with her and her 3 kids etc.

 

So please try to do no contact or you could end up with a shock like i did.

 

If you are independant and fun. He will want you more. I have learnt the hard way. If you think about it we are attracted to strong men not needy weak ones so it is the same thing.

 

Reverse psycology. It is very very hard I know

[lolita jade]

by the way.

 

Being independant and fun wont get your man back (it may do but only may)

 

It will make your life great again though. believe in yourself and prove him wrong.

[SugarHoney]

I no longer think I'm going crazy, I think I AM crazy. I am insane. I've been stuck in this hole obsessing about a guy who doesn't care 2 hoots about me for over 10 months and I'm so pathetic words can't describe it.

 

I write in a dramatic way like this because I AM trapped in a fantasy of my own making and I WON'T give it up, but not because I don't want to, but because something inside me won't let me. I know no one else can help me but me and I know there are so many wonderful things in life to look forward to, so many other great guys out there, most much better for me than my ex. But I know none of them will find me attractive as I am because my emotions consume me. I've had therapy, I've even completed 2 different workbooks about mood management, filling out mood tables etc and all that takes so much time but it doesn't help me much because I live in a fantasy world. I've lived like this my whole life (in a fantasy world) so its hard for me to see the world any differently and I don't know how to escape. And I know its my fault that I'm like this, but I honestly don't know how to save myself.

 

I feel I'm trapped in a delusional state and the memories and flashbacks are getting too vivid for me to bare. I'm going to return to my doctor and hope that she can give me stronger meds or something, because I honestly don't know what else to do at this point. I will try and maintain NC now, even though I can feel my inside self dying at the thought and fighting against it with every ounce of strength it has. And at this point, I think I more than qualify as insane, as I've been doing the same things for over 10 months now, over and over in a neverending cycle, and I cling to the hope that my ex will want me back ever more tightly.

 

I don't know what to do with myself because I want this nightmare to end and yet I clearly don't want it to end. I know that sounds completely irrational and impossible, but this is what my emotions do to me. Rationally I know exactly what needs to be done, but I have no control over my emotions. Ok maybe I could have control (maybe even I do have control on some level) but for whatever reason I'm not implementing that control and I don't know how to go about it in practice despite all the workbooks I've filled out. I use techniques of distraction etc and it does help a bit, but not much as I always revert to hoping my ex will want me back and telling myself that he will want me back in the end to calm me down. I know I have to keep struggling on and I do keep hoping things will get better. But as hard as I try to deny it, a huge part of myself keeps clinging to that hope that my ex will want me back in the end.

Edited November 17, 2011 by SugarHoney

[nu464]

i still very much love my ex boyfriend. he broke up with me about a month ago. we went out for three months. sometimes, he acts like he likes me still. he stares sometimes, get's inquisitive of other guys, blushes when i talk to him sometimes and i just get this feeling like he still likes me.he's eyes is always on me, when we talk in groups or whatever, he'll always be looking at me. today, i got my cell taken up at school, and when i told him i was nervous about it, he offered to go with me to get it. we talked as we walked, and i was wondering...why don't you feel the chemistry?

he asked around for a date to homecoming, and finally settled on this girl who he says he likes, but no one can believe he does. he said a couple weeks ago he wanted to stab her!

now he's not going to homecoming because she can't go. i don't know if that means he really does like her, but i doubt it.

i thought homecoming would be THE NIGHT we would get back together. like, i had this feeling he was going to ask for me back that night. like, seriously.

but now he's not going. i'm sick of this back and forth. i want to know....does he still like me? i know i do.

please help. how do i tell him, if i should?

[SugarHoney]

I don't want to waste my life waiting for my ex, but I think wasting my life waiting is what's keeping me alive.

 

Sad, but I feel its likely true.

 

Because to me, it just seems its better to be alive wasting my life waiting, than to completely to give up on everything, including him. So I keep struggling on. Because if my ex does eventually want me back, I need to be here for him. And if he doesn't, at least comforting myself with that false hope will keep me going so I have a chance to slowly move on. As in time hopefully these vivid memories and strong feelings I have will slowly fade away. Then hopefully one day I will see the world in a better light without him cluttering up my mind all the time.

[gogarth]

SugarHoney,

 

There is a website with good articles to help you move on:

 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/coping-with-and-moving-on-after-a-break-up-commandment-10-thou-must-close-the-door-and-move-forward/

 

Good luck.

[geegirl]

At the end of the day Sugar, it's a choice. If you choose I don't, I won't and I can't versus I must, I will and I can, then that is the mindset and path you will follow.

 

Remaining in self-destructive mode is a choice. Choosing a defeatist attitude is a choice.

 

And that is the path you have chosen. I wish you the best if that is what you choose.

 

You said no guys will find you attractive, and you believe that because YOU don't even find yourself attractive. In reality it is not true. You believe that because you are projecting how you feel about yourself on others. At the end of the day, it all stems from you.

 

Gogarth attached a wonderful link. The articles were a great resource to me especially when I was rock bottom. I printed, kept a folder, made a bound book for myself and whenever I felt weak or in pain, I would re-read to help reframe my mind and my feelings.

 

You have to be proactive. Sitting and posting endless words about nothing is just a waste of time.

 

Please go back to you doctor. Meds are helpful but YOU also have to do the work in rebuilding and reinventing yourself. Finding your self-awareness, introspection, creating your own beliefs and building character. And all that comes from working through pain and hurt, you grow. If you're solely dependent on crutches to get through life, you will never be able to get a chance to see who Sugar really is.