nndraa Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 Earlier this week, I told my boyfriend of half a year that I loved him. This lead to some seperation until last night. We talked, and he told me the dreaded "I love you, but am NOT in love with you". I responded with a "That's just silly, of course you love me!" We laughed at how psychotic that sounded, and proceeded to converse on the topic. The man I am dating is very honest, kind, and caring. I assumed he was speaking from his heart to the best of his ability. He told me I have the crazy affect of making him laugh, he loves spending time with me, and found me to be one of the most attractive girls he's ever met (we have a healthy sex life). He doesn't want to lose me but says maybe it wouldn't be fair for me to stay in this relationship. He would understand if I left and feels like he would be doing a bad thing by staying with me. He proclaims that he can't understand why he isn't in love with me. There is a missing element. When I asked him what the missing element was, he said he didn't know what it was, just that it was missing. I am so confused. I love this man, and we have a very stable good time with each other. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now.
krbshappy71 Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 Not sure I have an answer to this one. Wish I did. I am trying to imagine this happening to me and how I would feel. Confused comes to mind. Not sure as I would break it off just yet. Perhaps he was expecting the PUPPY LOVE attack and is just feeling something more like friendship instead? Did he tell you he is breaking it off? Sounds like he doesn't want to lead you on when he sees you falling for him. Only 6 months together, has there been any talk of the future? Can you consider a few steps back to friendship and see if the attraction is still there wihtout the sex? sometimes things that start off hot and heavy fizzle. stepping back can help rekindle it, or help both parties realize it was just a hot/heavy thing. Hope this helps.
nndraa Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 Thanks for you response krbs! I understand what you are saying, and being that I am so head over heels for this guy, I can't imagine breaking it off now. Stepping back is good advice, I only hope that I am capable of doing such a thing. What is most confusing is that we also have a great friendship! While we find time to have a healthy sex life, we spend tons of time just talking, hanging out, watching movies, and attending many events together. It's almost cliche how great we seem as a couple. We laugh, share, cry and all that nonesense. By far, this is the most wonderful relationship I've been in. SO confusing.
krbshappy71 Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 UGH. Frustrating to say the least. Well I am at the 6 month "marker" now myself with great guy so I can tell you the thought of breaking something off right now would be heart-wrenching. Other people will probably have their own opinions, but I say hang in there if the going is good. He may also be unsure of the feelings he is having right now and those insecurities could pass. "uncertainty" is a stage of dating. Its a good stage because it lets the person step back and decide if its worth pursuing. He may have entered this stage and is afraid of hurting you. I would say let it ride as long as things are going well. At the very least, if it ended, it sounds as though it could end on a good note which helps you when you enter the next relationship. My last relationship FINALLY ended on a decent note, and it was quite odd to me not to have it end badly like things did in the past. I would say don't pressure him for more than he can give right now, he'll let you know if he needs to move on. (I honestly suspect he is just unsure.) Don't pester for "I love you's" that will pressure him. Don't repeatedly ask how he feels, that'll annoy him. Enjoy yourself and things could very well still work out for you. My two cents.
spanky Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 I know exactly what you are going through. My boyfriend of 9 months broke it off with me because of that so called "missing element." Unfortunately hindsight is 20/20. I did question him about his feelings, confessed that I was in love with him, asked him for more of his time and he broke up with me. Our relationship was incredibly wonderful and functional. Healthy, healthy, healthy! We did talk about the future and where we'd be a year from now and he broke it off leaving me in pieces. So don't pressure him, step back, and drop the "L" word for a bit. I wish I could go back and do it again. I want my swettie back. Good luck! Spanks
Love2share Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 Sounds like your guy is really great. Be thankful that he's honest and not leading you on by lying about his feelings. There is nothing worse than a man who tells you he loves you, just to keep you around. And then doing things that hurt you or make you sad. Hang in there girl. Don't push the "Love" issue. Just keep being happy, and making him happy. Actions speak LOUDER than words anyway ;-)
mysunshine Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 nndraa I feel you completely, but you have to be strong enough to NOT express your feelings. I have just gone through something hurtful with my man and I understand how you feel. You have got to respect him for the honesty. It is hard to get that in a man. He respects you and is comfortable with your friendship and you scared him with the "L" word. Most people don't even know what "In Love" means. There is no blanket definition for the phrase. It has just been used, over the years, as a cop-out tactic. Let him know that YOU decide what is fair to you and what is not, and if you decide to hang in there with him it is YOUR CHOICE. I am facing a very similar decision, since my man broke off our engagement. He wants to remain in a relationship and not lose what we have, but he is just not ready for that next step. So I am not going to tell you to stay with him or to leave him, because I know what you are feeling and it is not that simple. You have go to decide whether to live for the happiness you feel today or let go for tomorrow. Men change their feelings daily and we have to adapt to that. The one thing that I have learned in my situation, is that most men crave a true FRIEND in their mate. Someone they can have complete trust in and can just hang-out with. They feel LOVE, but they have always equated that lust-full throb that they feel with some women as the "IN-LOVE". He has to define what "In Love" means for him and proceed accordingly. I will say though, don't let him off the hook that easy. Don't let him accept rejection and allow you to let the relationship go, because you "deserve better". You know what you want and the bond that you and he have is something special. Most married couples cannot do what you guys do. Go with your heart until YOU feel that you are ready to move on. Your heart will let you know when it is over.
bluechocolate Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 I suggest that you proceed very cautiously with this relationship. Yes he has been honest with you. He has told you that he is not in love with you. He has told you that is because there is a "missing element" which he cannot define. He enjoys your company, you make him laugh & you have a healthy sex life, but he cannot say that he loves you. I have friends that I can honestly say I love, but am not "in love with". If you were a few months into the relationship I would have answered differently, but you have invested a year and a half with this man and he hasn't found that "element" yet. To my mind it is doubtful then that he ever will. It also means that one day he just may meet the person who contains this mysterious element & then where will you be? You have to decide for yourself what is most important to you. To be with a man who cannot commit to loving you or to move on & try to find that love with someone else. If you trust his honesty don't stick around with the expectation that one day he'll change his mind. If it is a sad fact that sometimes people have to lose what they already have in order to fully appreciate it.
moimeme Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 I have friends that I can honestly say I love, but am not "in love with". bluechocolate - and other fellows - what is that missing element? If you have all the elements the ladies listed: While we find time to have a healthy sex life, we spend tons of time just talking, hanging out, watching movies, and attending many events together. We laugh, share, cry and all that nonesense. what on earth else could you possibly want? I think mysunshine has something there: most men crave a true FRIEND in their mate. Someone they can have complete trust in and can just hang-out with. They feel LOVE, but they have always equated that lust-full throb that they feel with some women as the "IN-LOVE" Please blue and fellows - explain to the ladies what, exactly, is 'missing'.
HokeyReligions Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 That elusive "IT" factor for which we do not have a word or phrase to describe or explain, except to say "IN love" rather than simply "Love." We know when we lose it, we sometimes know when we don't have it, and often we don't recognize it when we do have IT. But "IT" is impossible to describe. I think "IT" has different identities - different for each person and each couple. Someone makes you laugh -- that may be "IT" for some. Being able to be quiet with each other--not need to fill silences with talking or noise, well that may be "IT" too. Being loved for who you are--faults and all, that may be "IT" for some, but not for others. What is "IT" for you may not be "IT" for him. People fall in and out of love at different times. I fell for my husband nearly a year before he fell for me. I love my husband dearly, I care about his happiness and his feelings. I want only the best for him. That has not changed in our marriage. I value his life and his personality. I can't imagine him not being part of my life somehow. But I am no longer in love with him, nor he with me. It's hard to say when we fell out of love with each other -- not at the same time, I'm sure. But it happened. Perhaps I fell out of love first -- that "IT" factor went missing or dried up, and without any blatent signs my loss of "IT" triggered him to lose "IT" too and he fell out of love with me. It sounds like your bf is being honest with you. Whatever that "IT" factor is for him, he doesn't have "IT" with you no matter how much he cares about you, or how much fun you two have together. He has not fallen "IN love" with you. He may, but he may not. I think its great that he is being so honest with you and I agree with the other posters about not pushing the "In Love" issue.
RackEmUp Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 he told me the dreaded "I love you, but am NOT in love with you". I responded with a "That's just silly, of course you love me!" This exchange rang a little bell for me. He told you his feelings, and you contradicted him. Hello, HE is the expert on HIS feelings. Is there any chance that the "missing element" is that feeling that he is truly heard and understood and accepted by you when he talks about his deepest feelings? Because for me, that "true hearing" is a huge element, maybe the most important element, of LOVE. To be really known for who I am - not who the other person thinks I should be or wants me to be.
dudesomewhere Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 I never understand some ppl...not directing to anybody in particular in this thread... but this is how I think and tell me if I'm weird or REALLY weird... If I am interested in a girl, I'll ask her out...if she says yes, cool, we go out...we go out...etc. So we keep going out and somewhere along the line we become girlfriend and boyfriend. Now to me, when that happens it could only happen if I am in love AND the prerequisite plain love her. I can't see myself calling some girl my gf if I didn't feel both. I mean, if I wasn't in love with her why would I take it any further than just being a friend? I never got that...WEIRD mode temporarily disabled
bluechocolate Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme I have friends that I can honestly say I love, but am not "in love with". bluechocolate - and other fellows - what is that missing element? If you have all the elements the ladies listed: While we find time to have a healthy sex life, we spend tons of time just talking, hanging out, watching movies, and attending many events together. We laugh, share, cry and all that nonesense. what on earth else could you possibly want? I think mysunshine has something there: most men crave a true FRIEND in their mate. Someone they can have complete trust in and can just hang-out with. They feel LOVE, but they have always equated that lust-full throb that they feel with some women as the "IN-LOVE" Please blue and fellows - explain to the ladies what, exactly, is 'missing'. I have no idea what, exactly, is "missing". That is not for me to answer, it is for her fellow to answer. Perhaps what I should have said was: I have friends that I can honestly say I love, but am not "in love with" AND I don't have sex with them. Some of these friends I spend time with just talking, hanging out, watching movies, and attending events together. We laugh, share, cry and all that nonesense. What we don't have is a healthy sex life because they are friends, not partners. I suggested that she proceed cautiously in her relationship because he cannot tell her that he loves her because of some "missing element", those are not my words. Like dudesomewhere I wouldn't be with someone for very long if I didn't feel that I loved them & if I couldn't express that love openly.
tiki Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 Originally posted by bluechocolate If you were a few months into the relationship I would have answered differently, but you have invested a year and a half with this man and he hasn't found that "element" yet. Blue Chocolate - She said half a year, not a year and a half. BIG difference. I say back off and see what comes of the relationship. I'd cut bootie ties too. If he wasn't on the same wavelength as I was, I'd not be having sex with him.
bluechocolate Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 Blue Chocolate - She said half a year, not a year and a half. BIG difference. oops - you're right big difference
moimeme Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 I know it's for him to decide in their case. I wanted to know how this sort of thing plays out for other fellows. What we don't have is a healthy sex life because they are friends, not partners. Ah. Well that's a whole other story. I'd want to hear from fellows who have exactly the relationship she says they have and still would find something 'missing'. Now, of course, we only have the person's description of the relationship. It would be interesting to see his point of view. To be really known for who I am For sure. Nothing like it
DerangedAngel Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 Originally posted by dudesomewhere If I am interested in a girl, I'll ask her out...if she says yes, cool, we go out...we go out...etc. So we keep going out and somewhere along the line we become girlfriend and boyfriend. Now to me, when that happens it could only happen if I am in love AND the prerequisite plain love her. I can't see myself calling some girl my gf if I didn't feel both. I mean, if I wasn't in love with her why would I take it any further than just being a friend? We might both be weird, dude. My past boyfriends always seemed to think along those lines too, though. -Deranged
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