hikaru Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 except for the fact that she's gone back to her old ways of thinking, and can't be with me unless we're in an open relationship Started out as this thread - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t306241/ Here's the important piece: Should have taken the advice and texted her. The reason she was distant last week, is because she acted on the text I sent where I said I'll give her space and just assume I'm not seeing her unless she says so....to which I received no response, so I had no idea she was acting on it. She says she has no idea why she didn't tell me, and she's sorry. She was sorry for how she acted when I came over. The reason she doesn't think it will work is sort of messed up. She says she "isn't in the right place" to be in a committed relationship. She will only be with me if I'm ok being in an open relationship with her. She believes that she can have 2+ casual relationships where she makes deep connections. She says if you can have it with 1 person, it would be good to make even more with others. She wants me in her life, but she wants to live a consequence free, selfish lifestyle that I don't even believe is attainable. So, on top of that, she believes if she keeps trying to force herself to be monogamous, or simply exclusive, she'll eventually just break up because she still hasn't figured out how to completely emotionally "unlock"(my words). She never gets totally emotionally invested, so little things can drive her to leaving people. But before me everything was casual, this was supposed to be different. I met all of her check boxes, and she met mine. We were doing it, but suddenly it felt like she stopped trying. And indeed, that's what happened. She lost sight, and just let her anxieties over the possible future with just 1 person, or the possibility of hurting me more than she's doing now, rule out. I don't get it. I don't understand letting go and giving up on something like this. We're both still interested in eachother, attracted to eachother, and all of the same check boxes are ticked, she just needs the label changed, and the option to possibly date others casually. It doesn't make sense...give up on something that was still blossoming...give up before she really even gave herself completely to it? Lose a friend who you have a good connection with and a lot in common with? And still end up hurting them even though that's what you say you're attempting to avoid...it's all crap. I think I'm done with relationships for a while. I still really want her, and like her, and I'd been craving sex for the last 3 weeks...so, yay! I met her on Okcupid, but I don't see the point...just going to live my busy life and see what happens. At this point, the way these last two ended, I don't feel like I can trust anyone romantically, at least not for a while. It doesn't matter that I meet all the requirements of the checklist she made with her therapist, or that I'm someone who has the same outlook on health, diet, (some)spirituality, and the outdoors(characteristics no other mate she's had have ever met). She's instead passing up/giving up/quitting on a committed relationship because she can't completely invest herself emotionally to see through her fears/anxieties about a future with just one person, or potentially hurting me further because I'm more invested. I was bad, and sent her this text last night, sort of in response to the fact that she said "if you want to stay together, you'd have to be comfortable with an open relationship, and the fact that I might date other people". So I sent- So, I guess, if you don't want a committed relationship you can't be with me...opposite of your ultimatum.. since neither option works, we both just lose a friend. if your dad wants the other half of the order still, just ask him to call me she didn't respond, but I still went ahead and sent this next text at noon- I shouldn't be sending this...but I'm angry..really hurt, and angry. Why not show me the slightest amount of respect and drive 10 minutes to talk to? Why string me along like you did? I feel weak and pathetic that I didn't just end it myself, instead I have to call you to get you to even bring it up. to which she replied "I don't know, because I'm ashamed" I'm itching to have her explain that, but I know that continuing contact is just stupid and isn't going to help me move on. I dunno...I'm writing about this in a few places, because I am craving support, since I don't really have a support group, and I've got too much free time at work right now...
Author hikaru Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 In response to her text, someone suggested I send this - "You should be. I have no more respect for you. Don't contact me ever again.", seems hostile...I'm also unsure what I should do about this crazy thing called Facebook...if she's comfortable removing me from her life like this, I should be justified to remove her as a friend, and not feel odd about it, right?
joseph17 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 This is her way of having you and not having to commit to you. I have had one of my exs say the same to me and even went as far as she wanted to sleep with other people but still sleep with me. You have to have some kind of self respect and not let yourself get caught up in relationships like this. It sucks that the one you seem to be compatible and soul mate turn out to not want the same thing and worse an open relationship. If you can handle her dating other people and possibly sleeping with other guys then that's all you. Just remember to strap up if that's what you want diseases spread like wild fire when sleeping with multiple partners. If I were you though I would leave her alone and let her do her own thing. You can find someone that will commit to you and you don't have to worry about her dating other people. All in all though it's your choice. Good luck and I wish you the best
Author hikaru Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 (edited) There's no way I'd be comfortable knowing she was going to see other people, while seeing me. That's just screwed up. To believe that you can share your life with multiple people without making any compromises to one of the relationships, or favoring one of the other is idiotic. She had something special with me, but she's choosing to neglect it in favor of some quick fixes to her inability to emotionally commit to something serious. I'm just really having a hard time convincing myself not to talk to her.. Edited November 15, 2011 by hikaru
wilsonx Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 What you just said is selfish. You can't judge her based on her choices She cant judge you based on yours. You have the right to not be in a relationship with her if she doesnt meet your personal boundaries. If she wants to sleep around with other people, thats her right, you either accept it or leave the situation. Thats it, you have no control over another person no matter what your feelings or heart says
Author hikaru Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 What you just said is selfish. You can't judge her based on her choices She cant judge you based on yours. You have the right to not be in a relationship with her if she doesnt meet your personal boundaries. If she wants to sleep around with other people, thats her right, you either accept it or leave the situation. Thats it, you have no control over another person no matter what your feelings or heart says She wants casual relationships with no consequences, and I'M SELFISH? It's not like I went into the relationship knowing this, she decided to give up, and go back to something easy rather than actually try to emotionally commit herself. She's getting what she wants, the ability to be casual with whomever, but you're right, I'm the selfish one.
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