I never did understand " I can't be happy with anyone until I'm happy wih myself"

[sid3]

Would Like to get some feedback on this statement. Is it B.S?

[allheart]

[color=indigo][font=times new roman]No, it's not B.S. It takes a certain level of emotional maturity to know yourself. To accept who you are...flaws and all...and be "ok" with it. It includes knowing within yourself that you're a good person with values, integrity, and self respect. Learning to love yourself is hard sometimes...it is not arrogancy, but a true inner peace about the person you have become, taking into consideration your life experiences, how you handle struggles, your self regard, in general. By loving yourself and who you are, you are better equipped to love others and to give others your 'best self' because you regard yourself highly and worthy of love reciprocated. Hope this helps.[/font][/color]

[average guy]

They do say that you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself first

[krbshappy71]

I noticed this was in the "breaking up" section. Any particular reason? I do believe that getting to know yourself, and accepting yourself, is the first step to take before attempting to accept someone else's faults/foibles. How can we expect others to love us for who we are if we don't even love ourselves? Many times our lack of love for ourselves will show itself throughout troubled relationships we have. Hence the reason for working on ourselves first before jumping into things with someone else.

[RackEmUp]

It's not BS, it's actually true and smart. If you aren't happy with yourself, you'll cling to the first loser who comes down the pike and looks at you nice. But most 20-year-olds don't get...I sure didn't last year when I was 20...

[BlueLP]

It is definitely true.....though I think unfortunately there are a few people who will use it as a breakup line because they're not sure what to do and they don't want to hurt the other person.

[average guy]

Originally posted by RackEmUp

But most 20-year-olds don't get...I sure didn't last year when I was 20...

 

Sorry, I don't "get it" What don't 20-year-olds get that 21-year-olds do? Is it understanding about loving yourself before you can love others, or a "loser who comes down the pike and looks at you nice"?

[faux]

One really cannot do quite well in any relationship unless one can be comfortable with ones independence, and assured of oneself in a variety of other ways. Getting too dependent in a relationship, for me, spelled complete disaster before and I do not intend to repeat that mistake again, if I can in any way help it.

 

I want to be sure that I can take care of myself, and know that I can get things done on my own before I take on anyone else beyond a few dates here and there.

[RackEmUp]

I meant that younger people don't realize the need to be independent people before they hook up. When I was 20, I didn't understand what it even meant to be strong and self-assured in my own skin, on my own. Now I am older than 20, and I DO understand. The ironic thing is that people are choosing partners, often life partners, when both parties are but half-formed as humans.

[HokeyReligions]

I see threads like this from time to time, and some people make it sound sooooo easy! Like the person who has asked the question or is being told that they need to love themselves will suddenly go "OH! Wow! I didn't know that--well, it changes EVERYTHING!" in the blink of an eye, or the snap of the fingers and their life will suddenly make sense and they will suddenly love themselves, and find their own self respect and strength and their partners will see this amazing transformation.

 

It doesn't work that way. Some people NEVER achieve this, no matter how hard they try, or how much therapy they have or how much they learn. Sometimes it is just not possible. But that does not mean that life ends, or that there is no hope for a fulfilling relationship/marriage. It doesn't mean the person who does not love themselves is in any way, shape, or form is somehow less of a person then their buddy who does love him/herself, or that the love they feel is somehow not as deep or honest as another persons love.

 

Accepting who we are, loving who we are is not mandatory for a happy marriage or relationship. I've seen it time and time again and I've experienced it too.

 

allheart said it well in her post. "better equipped" yes--sometimes I agree with this. It perhaps requires less effort to maintain a marriage/relationship and to heal faster after a breakup if one has accepted themselves, but it's not a requirement.

 

IMHO

[average guy]

I agree HokeyReligions,

 

I have often thought it is a "catch-22". Sometimes somone loving you can make you feel loved (or lovable) and therefor make you love yourself more. I've often noticed that when I am single and feeling unwanted and unlovable, no one gets near me, however as soon as I meet someone who shows an interest in me (i.e. making me feel "lovable") then everyone is trying to get close to me. I think having someone love you makes a huge difference in your ability to love yourself.

[chachagirl]

Completely argree 100%