Delliem Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 (edited) We've been together for about a year and a half, and for the majority of it we've had one of the most open and loving relationships that I've ever been in. She's been thoughtful, attentive, and extremely loving to me. However about a year ago I fell into a fit of depression which lasted until recently. I ended up becoming distant with her, and it wasn't until I started to see a counselor to work past those feelings that I made progress to eliminate that. She stayed with me through those dark times, however she told me about 6 months ago that she cheated on me. I have come to accept that it happened, and for myself, have gotten over it. I know that I wasn't treating her right while I was depressed and she was weak and lonely. For about three months she kept pushing off his advances, and it was hard on her while I wasn't emotionally available. So, things eventually happened, and now she's so eaten up by guilt that she's going to a counselor to try and work through those feelings. She still has to see the other party on a regular basis, and she has a hard time cutting him off because she has so few friends and he's one of her good ones. Back when all this happened six months ago, she tried to end her friendship so that she could preserve the relationship. However she was so hit by this feeling of leading him on, she felt bad about dropping her friendship with him, and he didn't really make any of that easier for her. As of now, I'm back to my old self. I finished out my counseling sessions and I've balanced out my mood. I see all the time that I had neglected her and it's one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I've been trying to show her this week that I support her, and love her dearly. I want her to get past all these feelings so that we can get back to our life together. She had her first counseling session last Tuesday. Afterward we talked, and she said that she couldn't accept the guilt of what happened, nor my forgiveness. She wanted to break up with me, but we discussed the option of staying together until the counseling sessions finish, and we agreed that it would be a good idea. Since then we've been very open, discussing things that we saw as a problem in the relationship over the last year, our favorite moments, asking and telling things that we have been nervous about. Our communication now is almost as strong as it was a year ago. However she's still kind of distant, and most of our communication methods have fallen through. She also stopped saying "I love you" over the last few days. After I talk ,whenever I'd say it to her, it took her a good 5-10 seconds to reply, and when she did it sounded painful for her to do so. She's still so eaten up by guilt. She has another two counseling sessions until the day that we talk about reevaluating where we are, and where we're going. I'm going to talk to her about all this tonight, but I thought I would get some insight from you guys first. Edited November 14, 2011 by Delliem
carhill Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Welcome to LS Are you married? Children? Is she transparent about her contact (or not) with her former affair partner? Has she disclosed and answered all your questions about the affair? What has been experienced is two very different dynamics. Perhaps she felt abandoned when you were in your depression. She can clarify that. How did you feel when she told you she cheated? That's your truth. TBH, I think that any continued contact with an affair partner, no matter the context, is a roadblock to reconciliation and building a new and healthier relationship. I saw that dynamic play out in MC and clearly the attachment and psychology of prioritization of the two relationships inhibited meaningful opportunities for reconciling the M, in my case. Have you and she had any couple's counseling? I'm hearing counseling for her and counseling for you. Anything together? If yes, how did that go?
Author Delliem Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 (edited) Thank you! I've been reading all the threads here, and there's so much great information . I'm a little sad to see less NC's turn into people getting back together. But that may be better for them, or the people who just.. don't come back to LS, Haha. We're not married or with children, we've discussed them, recently actually.. but nothing right now. She still hangs out with the other party about once or twice a week I think. We unfortunately have some long distance going right now. So it's been difficult to be there for her in person lately. The other person knows what she's going through, but I don't know if he's really giving her time and space to figure out what she wants. We had a pretty emotional conversation last week - no fighting, or name calling (we never do, we've always been very considerate towards one another), and during that conversation, I asked her the full details about what happened. I wish we had done that conversation with more warmth, but I was kind of detached and asking her questions like a doctor. Unfortunately, I don't know what's going on with them right now, other than that they still hang out closely. If I bring up anything with him, she starts to get depressed from the guilt. I'm certain she felt abandoned, and it took me far too long to hear her pleas for help. When I first found out about them 6 months ago, she made it seem as though there was just some heavy flirting, and kissing. It hurt, and I felt betrayed. However because of how strong our relationship was before my neglect, I wanted to work past it. She ended up cutting off her friendship with him in order to work on us. During our call last week, we discussed all the full details of what happened that night. It was pretty much everything but sex and oral stimulation. At the time, I was moreso worried about us breaking up, so none of that really hit me until the next day. At that time, I took a look at everything, saw that I wasn't fair to her during that time, and I've spent the last week coming to terms with it. The hard part is that the two of them share a lot of events together, so she's always bumping into him. Also dropping him would mean losing a good portion of her friends, and ones that her roommates still want to invite over often. So she's having a hard time breaking away from him, and I think having to decide between the two of us is a huge cause of depression for her. I agree that she should make the decision to either work on us, or be with him. Having us both doesn't make any of this easier for either of us, and I'm sure it causes a lot of roadblocks. I wish we could do couples counseling. The distance makes it a little difficult, and I think right now she just wants to focus on her current counseling so that she can come to terms with her guilt. Afterwhich, I'd like to work on us and maybe go that route. It's difficult for me right now because there's so many questions that are unanswered. We're technically together, but she still hangs out with him, and we don't say I love you. Edited November 14, 2011 by Delliem
carhill Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 If you were married, this could be termed a non-monogamous mutual separation. Our MC opined that separation is generally the road to divorce. IMO, she can still share the same circle of friends and make choices to avoid interacting with this person alone. Given that you're LD, verification is tenuous. What is the prospective schedule for LD to end? Is it (the LD) determined by work/career or by choice?
Author Delliem Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 (edited) It's mostly due to school. For the last year we've been planning for her to move where I am. She hasn't had very good experiences back there, and because of how close we were, we really wanted to close that distance. However she still has another year to go until she graduates. I'd really like to move out to where she is, however I just don't have the finances for it right now. I'm actually in the process of moving back home where the cost of living is lower, and I can see her twice as often. It also helps me fix some areas of my life that are unstable, but she is a large reason why I'm going back. I think she could share the same friends, but I know that she herself feels so badly for just dropping him. She has a very big heart, which is one of the things that made me fall in love with her. But it can't handle the thought of hurting either of us. Part of why she's going to the counselor is because being in this middle position is hurting her. Unfortunately, I think the counselor may view me as the lesser worthwhile party. He's there, I'm not. He's been her friend.. albeit a flirtatious one who wouldn't stop.. but still a friend. And we've had some distance, both physically and mentally. Edited November 14, 2011 by Delliem
Zabs Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 Not trying to be harsh...but she needs to grow a backbone and get priorities straight... I understand she felt bad...and worse still now she feels that she has 'used' the other party...but people are not blind..they choose what they choose to see...he would have known she was fresh from a collapsing relationship...people pick up on even the most subtle of sitautions... Be sure she isn't using this 'feeling' to keep options open...guilt is a very useful tool for manipulation..be wary you don't fall into it... As an earlier poster pointed out..a full and proper reconciliation will not be possibnle with a third party involved.. a relationship consists of 2?! Ps.. I like your techniqures for restoration of love...keep tha up and get some QT! Much love, Zabs xx
Author Delliem Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 We ended up talking the night of my earlier posts, and it became an.. emotional whirlwind for both of us. I decided to ask the important questions that have been bothering me. I asked if she still loved me, and she said that she didn't know. I asked if she still wore my engraved necklace (it was kind of a thing that we did to leave part of ourselves with the other person. We both wear them), and she said yes. I explained how I felt horrible for neglecting her in my depressed period, and that I was so sorry for treating her poorly. She ended up apologizing for everything that happened on her end. Then she told me that being with me is full of color and life, and she feels like she ruined that. She doesn;t like him like that, she said that he's immature and clings to her. She can't figure out why he won't let go. She also said that she may be immature, in that she can't let anything go in her life. That her room is still full of so many things that she worries may still be useful in the future. She told me that he's kind of like that, she's nervous that someday she'd need his friendship, and it's hard to let go. It was here that she worked past all her hard feelings and said that she loved me and missed me deeply. And from that, it kind of broke away a lot of the ice that had been in the way. We spent the next hour just talking and laughing like we use to. I felt pretty warm and stable about everything, however today has been a return to the cold silence that has been happening for the last few weeks. I'm not sure yet if this is due to her just being busy, or if last night was only a momentary break in the storm. I do know that we agreed to talk about what happened in her counseling session today, and that definitely didn't happen. I think everyday I become more ok with the idea of walking away. I'd really like to stay with her and work through this time, since I feel our relationship is worth fighting for. However it's difficult to repair the issues with him still around, and her not being open to me. I know the counselor will help her work through those feelings, and I do hope that things get better before next Tuesday. But.. I'm just not going to put much energy into this until she meets my efforts. It doesn't help the situation, nor is it good for my health.
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