LearningtoCope Posted May 23, 2004 Posted May 23, 2004 My boyfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me. Then he called me everyday for 2 days after "to see how I was doing." But it made me mad because he couldn't have it both ways- expect my love and support without being committed to our relationship. So on the third day, he suddenly comes to my house saying that he wants me back and that I am the only one for him. I was cautious about taking him back but I did anyway because I thought he meant what he said. We talked about the things that needed to change- the way we expressed our anger, forgiving each other, etc. I asked him if he wanted me back because he was lonely- that he just needed some sort of company and not ME. But two days after that I noticed that he was acting differently around me- he wasn't being affectionate to me. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he felt differently about me- he loved me, but in a best friend sort of way. I was extremely hurt by this. He said that he couldn't commit right now, that he didn't know what he really wanted. Maybe he just didn't want to feel lonely, and that's why he wanted me back. He said he needed some time apart from me to see if I was really the one for him. We both agreed to spend some time apart from each other- no calling, but if I needed to let him know anything (we are supposed to go to our mutual friend's wedding next month) that I could e-mail him. Well, it has been 10 days. But 3 days after, I had to call him because I had to get a package for me that was being delivered to his house. That was a quick phone call. But then he called me that night to ask me if I had picked the package up because something had been stolen outside his house. So I told him that I picked it up, but then I got weak and started talking about our relationship. I was crying and asking him I was still the one for him. He said he wasn't sure- that he still missed me sometimes but sometimes he didn't. He also said that this "break" was hard for him too. I regret pouring out my heart to him so much- it made me seem so needy. Ugh, I totally regret that. I know we are both confused and trying to sort things out by ourselves. I told him I had to take my car in for an oil change on Saturday, but he said that he could do it. I don't know why, but I agreed. Maybe I just wanted to see him and that was an excuse. Then on Friday he called me to ask a quick question, and then after that I asked if there was anything else. Then he started telling me how he was doing, that he wasn't really up to anything. He asked me if I had told any of our friends about "us" yet. I told him yes, and then he joked around, saying that they would kick his a$$ next time they saw him. When I saw him briefly on Saturday to drop my car off for the oil change, I realized that it had been a big mistake. I wasn't ready to see him and for him to start treating me just "as a friend." After I picked up my car, I cried when I got home. The feelings were overwhelming. Then I recovered after a good cry. We both attend the same church, so I saw him again today. The weird thing was, he was seated one person away from me. I know he knew it was me. I was hesitant at first, but when I noticed the lady between us dozing off, I glanced at him and pointed at how the lady was falling asleep, and he smiled back. When church ended, I left without waiting for him. I knew he was walking in back of me but I just kept walking to the car. When I got to my car I noticed that his car was about 10 feet away from mine, and that he was waving good bye to me with a big smile on his face. So I waved and smiled back at him too. I am coming to terms with this whole "break" even though I know that it is in a way, a "break up." I am making an effort to move on, that I am the only person that can make myself truly happy. I shouldn't depend on anyone else for my needs. But there is a part of me that hopes that he will realize that what he did was a mistake. I know hope is dangerous, that it can only prevent me from moving on, so in the meantime I owe it to myself to try to live MY life. Is there a chance after he has had enough time by himself that he will realize that he made a big mistake? Has anyone gotten together with their ex after spending some time apart?
BlueLP Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 There is a really long, good thread called "time and space" which I've found helpful when going through a similar situation. Check that out. To give some quick and dirty answers: Yes, there is a chance that he will realize his mistake and want you back. This happens to a few people who legitimately need some time and space for growth, and when they "find themselves" they realize that you are what they want. Again, there are some excellent posts about the particular situations in which this might happen under the time and space thread. The real question is whether you are willing to be with him again if he does this....take some time for yourself to figure this out, because it's really an opportunity for you to get to know yourself better and what you want/need. If he got back with you, has he changed & thought things through enough that he won't do this again in a couple months? And is he worth all the hard times he is causing you emotionally, that you would still take him back? Of course you want him back right now, but see how your feelings change as you spend some more time apart. This is the part of the situation that you can monitor and feel more in control of. In the grand scheme of things, 10 days isn't very long for him to realize a mistake or go through some sort of big personal change, especially if you two are still seeing/contacting each other so frequently. (I know, it feels like about a million days though, right?). If there is any possible way for you to limit your contact, I'd suggest that for a start. You are whats really important right now, not his mistake or his feelings. Set some sort of time frame for yourself, what you would be willing to wait for both of your feelings to sort out before you had some sort of talk for your own sense of closure/clarification. Can I suggest at least a month or two? I'm making a big generalization, but it seems to me that people tend to figure out where their feelings are heading by that point. You can count down to that date, and even if you aren't ready then you will have a month or two under your belt. Hang in there, you sound like a thoughtful person who is struggling with all the normal feelings for someone in your position. Keep being strong and don't be too harsh on yourself for hoping. With the right person, hope may be very appropriate. Think about if he is the right person or not, and if he truly is then chances are he will come back to you and you will be ready for him. Think of how you would like to change in the meantime, where you would like to be so that you could be happy even if he never comes back.
LearningToCope Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 Thanks for the advice. I'll check out that "time and space" thread. Yes, I realize that this "no contact" thing has to be strictly enforced. It is just more difficult because we do have mutual friends, and we go the same church. It's odd because I didn't see him last Sunday so I thought it wouldn't be a problem. Today it just happened that we were seated so close to one another. I am not going to call him about anything, even if I "think" I have a reason to. Another thing I forgot to mention was that on the night we decided to take a break I wrote him a long e-mail regarding my thoughts on the whole situation. He responded by saying thank you and said that he would consider what I had written when thinking about "our future together." I know he is thinking a lot too, since that's how he's always been. He mentioned on the phone the first time we talked since the "break" that it hadn't even been a month yet, so I think at least a month or two is a good time to focus on. There are a lot of emotions to sort through, so I've been keeping a daily journal to try to help me along that process.
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