blackandtan Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Hi, i could use some input from some people that have maybe gone through similar things. It's hard to talk to people around me, so I need some advice. We have been married for 23 years. The last few years have been stressful, and has been full of unhappiness and fighting. We moved to another state about three years ago, I took a new job, she was struggling with adapting. I have been the only one working, and its been a struggle. She had a job, but quit. It wasnt making her happy, she was miserable, so the last 18 months was home. This led to alot of anger and resentment with me. Struggling to pay the bills, then coming home and being asked "How are we going to pay the rent"? so not only did I feel like I was struggling, and carrying the burden, I felt as if I was being looked to for all the answers. After her being unhappy, and unhappy of where we are, we had a unique opportunity with a free place to stay where we previously lived. I tried to transfer with my job, but that didnt work. I couldnt go without having some sort of stability. Having to start all over again, finding a new job, feeling secure, would just be too much. She then became very resentful that I was holding her back, and that I should have let her go. She felt as if she were back where we previously lived, it would be easier for her to find a job, and feel happy. It finally got to the point where we packed the car, and she left. We have 2 kids at home, 15 and 20. Both stayed with me. It has been over two months since she left. I feel the same, if not better. There is less stress, as there is no fighting. And if I'm carrying the burden by myself, i can do it my way. Since she left, she feels better too. But now that reality is setting in, it seems that things are being put on me. I must be depressed, I must be having a midlife crisis, I have been unhappy for quite some time and should have left sooner and that she left to help contribute to our house and now she feels like I used this as a tool to get rid of her. The reality to me is that we were in such a bad spot that neither of us knew it at the time. Only when we were apart could we begin to see how hurtful or damaging we were becoming, and how distant we had become to each other. Maybe I've been waiting for a lightning bolt, or big "Aha" moment. That hasnt come, I feel the same, not lonely, not missing her, and content with my time. I am moving on, but feel more that I am moving on from feeling hurt, angry and alone. I felt more alone when she was here than after she left. Is moving on from feeling hurt and alone the same as moving on without her? Is the fact that I dont feel an different after two months an indication that its over?
UntoldStory Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 I had a similar experience after my stbxh and I separated. We were together 18 years when we separated. We never fought while we were together, but looking back, I was constantly stressed out, walking on eggshells around him to prevent fights. After we separated, about 4 months into it, I did have an "aha" moment where I said to a girlfriend, "I don't miss him. There's nothing to miss. I'm truly happier living without him in the house." He feels very differently - would like to be back together, but I can't ever go back. I didn't know until I was free of the situation how unhappy I was.
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