Veryconfused12345 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Hi Guys, So I'm hanging in there after a pretty brutal split with my boyfriend a little over a month ago. In an attempt to make peace with this and move on, I've severed all contact and am trying very hard to stick to it. But I was just wondering if anyone could help me gain some insight into what may have happened because I'm really struggling to understand how things changed so suddenly and maybe a fresh perspective could help... My ex of several years is a gentle yet intensely insecure guy who hasn't had a huge amount of dating experience except for 2 relationships that ended with him being cheated on. Clearly, he has a lot of issues surrounding trust, etc. From his comments over the years, I get the sense he sometimes goes through bouts of "what's the point?" attitude where he never feels he'll be good enough to succeed. Apparently, throughout the course of our relationship every time I made what I thought were seemingly innocent comments on our dynamic, he took it to heart, internalized it, and believed that I was dissatisfied with him. Nothing could have been further from the truth and I'm so embarrassed to think I was swanning about thinking we were perfect for each other while he thought I was very unhappy. When he broke up with me, he kept on reiterating how in love with me he is and how much he depends on me, but how he's worried that he would never be the man I want. He mumbled that he felt perhaps it was the best as my complaints about him would never go away (for the record, I think I on several occasions encouraged him to be a little more confident around my friends, but that's about it.) I told him i loved him more than I could love anyone else and that I wanted to do everything to make him feel appreciated and valued. He said he was confused and couldn't make sense of what was going on in his head. I sadly had to cut off contact after several months of this back and forth (long winded emotional emails but no indication of wanting to come back) because I have been a complete wreck throughout. I have recently found out however he's trying to keep tabs on me through my friends (something that seems more like the behavior of a teenager than a full grown man) and is expressing to them how heartbroken he is. Anyways, apologies for my long winded email but I was wondering if anyone else could give me insight into how he might be thinking? I'm afraid I'm struggling to put myself in this place of intense insecurity although I imagine in that mindset, everything could appear like a threat to one's sense of self and stability, especially if you completely base your life around your partner. Basically, for those readers out there who have gone through the same set of emotions of feeling overly dependent, vulnerable, or dealing with internal confidence issues, could you maybe explain what those feelings are? I feel like I might be able to make more peace with this if I can fully appreciate his feelings because I don't think he really knows what he's doing and I get the sense that, for someone who was discussing marriage with me a month ago, there are some serious internal conflicts going on in his own head. How do I even begin to help him with this? I appreciate that it might be easier to walk away but unfortunately, as everyone on this site knows, it's not that easy to stop loving someone, especially if you expected to spend the rest of your life with them.... Thanks so much
Author Veryconfused12345 Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 And as follow up, how the hell do I stop telling myself that it's only a matter of time before we find our way back to eachother? Any tips for really making peace with it being over? My brain doesn't seem to want to accept it....
carhill Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Good on ya for caring enough to be interested in how he feels. That said, unless he proactively communicates clearly, such feelings will remain a mystery and outside of your control. If you leave things be, communicating your acceptance of his decision, you can always leave the door open to future contact and analyze whether his style at that point matches up with what you want in a partner. If he's still the same, or if you have already moved on, those are answers. If a person is insecure, they are. That's their truth. Understanding it and accepting it doesn't make it any more compatible and, frankly, spending time and energy on such understanding takes one away from more important and meaningful personal growth. It is what it is and he is who he is. You're broken up. Continue the healing process and what happens, happens. Good luck
KathyM Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 I'd say that he realizes that you are not a match, and that is why he broke up with you. He doesn't want to marry someone that he feels is not a match and he thinks the relationship will end eventually because of that. He sounds like an introverted and insecure person, and when you were trying to coach him into being something that he was not, you planted those seeds of doubt in his mind that he would be compatible with you for the long term. I think he is right to be concerned, and you would be better of going NC in order to allow each of you to move on as painlessly as possible.
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