! Want to send ex this email, need judgement

[Anna84]

..Me and ex have been broken up for over 2 months, last week I sent him an email because I want my shoes back ( they're expensive and I have no money to buy them again, they were also very nice). He has replied to every single message, very proper, but very neutral, with absolutely no hint of emotion. He's taken this stance since the moment we broke up and it completely baffles me how someone can pull the plug that easily and pretend every aspect of the relationship was trivial.

 

We've been together for two years, a very intensive period of time. I was his first girlfriend and he was there when my Dad died. We've loved each other till the very last day of our relationship, of that I'm sure. After an arguement and two months of not everything going too smoothly, mainly because of cultural difference issues, he decided we were too different. I've tried and hoped for friendship, also because I thought that was what he wanted and we share a lot of mutual friends, but the coldness he has taken on has made it impossible for me.

 

Yesterday I received a reply on whether he finally found my stuff. He said he hadn't, and it had taken a while to reply because his grandfather died.

I finally feel like it is time for me to break out of this neutrality and honestly tell him how I feel and what I think, and I'm on the brink of sending him the following email:

 

"With regards to your high level of emotional immunity and social thickness, I do not doubt your capability to rapidly overcome such a loss.

 

Whether you hope for my wellbeing from a hypocritical (in all honesty you couldn't care less) point of view or a selfish one (you hope that I am well so you feel less guilty) , I will finally tell you honestly that your hopes have been in vain, and I wonder how you can expect something else. I have not been well, I have lost I don't know how much weight, besides, I have lost another person who chooses to degrade me to something less than an acquaintance and for all I can see has seen the past two years as no more than a relation in the same respect.

 

I'm absolutely not embarassed to tell you for me this was not the case, and you have been more than an acquaintance, and these last two months have influenced me greatly. The fact that I've had to contact you again about my shoes has been disturbing, and your neutral messages which you might have well written to your neighbours dog, so void of any sort of emotion, have hurt me deeply. It doesn't matter anymore because I'm not getting back my shoes as they're not there so it also doesn't matter anymore what you think of me, which, more than obviously, is very little."

 

I'd very much, please, like to know what people think before I REALLY go ahead and send it......!!!!!

Edited November 14, 2011 by Anna84

[Teuen101]

you need you time, it's been two months, I know your thinking if you say one last thing things might work out. But they don't no combo of words or e-mail or anything will work this out now. you gotta go be you..send it if you want you'll see it wont matter.

 

so in a nut shell it wont matter if you send it or not. the relationship is over go no NC heal your self, forget your shoes buy some new ones.

 

 

I think by sending this your putting your self out there to get abused more.

[Sugarkane]

I can never understand why dumpers do this. I think it's incredibly immature of them.

[Sugarkane]

Or maybe he gets off on wearing ladies shoes?!

[maryslamb]

Donot send this email .... please...

 

honestly if I was your ex i would get offeneded , and decrease you to the lowest form of respect ...

 

Its not worth it.. if he says he hasnt found them, then you have to chalk it up as a loss

[Trimmer]

I can never understand why dumpers do this. I think it's incredibly immature of them.

Can you clarify what is incredibly immature of someone who has broken up replying to communications is a "proper and neutral" way?

 

To the OP: don't take that previous comment as a knock on you - I have great empathy for you. However, it is over. You don't owe each other anything, nor should you expect anything from each other, beyond proper, neutral interactions when absolutely necessary.

 

If you spend time hashing things over with him, it will just drag you down into a whirlpool and amplify the hurt even more.

 

As to the specifics of your Email, I would also urge you not to send it. Frankly, you sound a little unhinged, and as another poster pointed out, it will do nothing to increase his impression or respect for you - It would almost certainly lower it.

 

And in the end, what you are shooting for is to disconnect from worrying about his opinion and impression of you anyway. You need to move on from being concerned with what he thinks about you, and whether you can influence that (e.g. with an "honest email.")

 

Don't be friends, don't talk to him, unless it's a necessary issue of getting property back or something (like with the shoes), and then, you should use a proper, neutral tone, and expect the same thing back from him, and then close the door when it's over.

 

Don't expect "closure" from him; he's now your ex. As much as people fantasize about getting it from an ex, closure doesn't come from there. It comes from turning around, moving forward, and disconnecting from him in every way possible. Closure isn't a deep, solidifying conversation with the ex that finally clarifies everything, it is breaking every last bond, releasing you from needing to have that conversation at all. It is the freedom to move forward. Never rely on your ex to grant you that freedom; go take responsibility for getting there yourself.

[Anna84]

Hey, thanks for replying.. have felt quite down about it all so thought I'd vent a bit more. Sorry!

 

Trimmer, our whole manner of contact has been so neutral and almost businness like, and to a degree our relationship has been aswell because I think there were always there mutual fears of rejection, that now I've had enough of it and hereby want to show that there's nothing wrong with showing honestly what you feel. The 'being unhinged' factor was thus intended. I don't think he has any idea how hard this has been for me and he has always had this misconception of me being some sort of superior person, always being strong etc., and now I want to break that illusion. But then again, what does that matter when we're over?? true..

 

Anyway, as I'm now in the phase of still not wanting to exclude anything in the future I've set up another email, and sent it. Since then however, I've felt absolutely terrible.. The first month was all about being torn up with heartbreak and the second month was all about being confronted with myself, being on my own, and what I wanted out of life. Now it's the third month and since my last email, I've felt a combination of both the first and second month. I can't imagine anything worse. I hope I'll feel fine again soon, like how I did before this week.

 

The email I sent:

sorry to hear it, and i understand. My condolances, i hope your

grandma is ok. Very strange however that they're not there and i know

nothing of a turtleneck. Thanks for letting me know, however. Me, i'm

fine but i'm not embarassed to admit that past 2 months have made an

impact also with regards to my dad's death:s anniversary. ok, hope

you're fine too, take care -Anna

 

Again, thanks for replying all, and any sort of reply (although I've not asked anything) is welcome!!

 

 

[flitzanu]

here's the thing. his life is none of your business anymore, same as your life is none of his. your revised email still screams of cattiness and passive-aggressive smugness.

 

don't tell him about how you feel. it's not going to prove anything, and if you're looking for him to feel bad for you, why is that going to solve anything either?

 

the shoes...yes, it sucks. obviously he isn't making an effort to find them, so either you keep harping about them which is going to make it seem like you're looking for reasons to contact him, or you just say "hey, if you find them, mail them to me."

 

he's emotionally insensitive to YOU because he isn't with you. he checked out. that's what happens when people break up, unfortunately.

 

and trust me, struggling for years to figure out why all the sudden someone seems sociopathic...is not going to fix YOU and you'll never find some big hidden meaning in why they did it.

[Anna84]

Yeah, I would agree with you in most situations. But the fact that we've got mutual friends and have been planning to spend NYE together, and he's said that he wants to spend it at his place and that I should be there aswell, means to me that we have to get along in some sort of amicable way. Or at least civilly. He's also been very clear that he wants to meet somewhere in between january-june next year, at least once. Also has he said that he hopes we can get along 'amicably' in his letter in which he explained the break up. I don't see then why I've done more than I should.. He was the one who got upset when I completely withdrew all contact, who was happy that I sent an email asking him how he was one month post-break up.

 

This is not about getting him back as I am more sure than not that I would actually want that. I had just hoped, on the basis of what his own suggestions, that we could at least be some sort of friends, and not deny the importance of the relationship and of what has happened during that relationship. Yes, we both have to heal, but his way of dealing with me is very inconsistent. On the one side he's glad I'm getting into contact asking him how he is, and replies in detail what he's been up to and how he's feeling, and on the other side he never bothers to ask me or simply ignores the last email (which is only to his own disadvantage, would have been better for him to just get it over with and send those shoes to avoid further contact?!)

He knows I don't want him back, and he wanted friendship. Why can't he return it then, because then all chances on friendship are going to be ruined...

 

 

Bah.. sorry for the wall of text, just trying to make sense of it myself!!!

 

(If he had shown more initiative regarding a basic friendship, I would've spent NYE at his with all the others. He knows that from my side he wouldn't have had to worry about any scenes or drama, I'm sure of it. Now he's ruined it for everyone, noone is coming and the whole group is scattered.)

Edited November 16, 2011 by Anna84

[Sugarkane]

Trimmer- I mean immature that she still hadn't got her shoes back.

[Trimmer]

Trimmer- I mean immature that she still hadn't got her shoes back.

Gotcha - sorry, I misunderstood...

 

Anna -

It's certainly not impossible to forge a new relationship with an ex - I'm doing it now with my ex-wife, but ONLY because we have kids, and have to work together on that. However, you have to realize that it is still a kind of a relationship, and that it will be much harder to seperate from your "old" relationship if you are constantly trying to forge a "new" relationiship with the same person. It is nearly impossible to avoid having them overlap, and that will constantly be a potential irritant.

 

Only you can decide whether it is worth the irritation (the pain of the old relationship not fading and constantly being renewed) in consideration of what you are getting out of the "new" version of the relationship. Many people decide there isn't enough in the "pros" column to make it worth all the "cons", and decide to step completely away - the clean break, or "no contact" concept...

[Anna84]

Thanks Trimmer, and you're right. The cons list is probably much bigger. It's just hard to now deal with a dubble loss: the loss of the relationship and the loss of the mutual friends group's consistency.....

 

 

Having to start up a whole new life and getting together a new circle of friends, when that old life was so close to perfect .....

[flitzanu]

Yeah, I would agree with you in most situations. But the fact that we've got mutual friends and have been planning to spend NYE together, and he's said that he wants to spend it at his place and that I should be there aswell, means to me that we have to get along in some sort of amicable way. Or at least civilly. He's also been very clear that he wants to meet somewhere in between january-june next year, at least once. Also has he said that he hopes we can get along 'amicably' in his letter in which he explained the break up. I don't see then why I've done more than I should.. He was the one who got upset when I completely withdrew all contact, who was happy that I sent an email asking him how he was one month post-break up.

 

This is not about getting him back as I am more sure than not that I would actually want that. I had just hoped, on the basis of what his own suggestions, that we could at least be some sort of friends, and not deny the importance of the relationship and of what has happened during that relationship. Yes, we both have to heal, but his way of dealing with me is very inconsistent. On the one side he's glad I'm getting into contact asking him how he is, and replies in detail what he's been up to and how he's feeling, and on the other side he never bothers to ask me or simply ignores the last email (which is only to his own disadvantage, would have been better for him to just get it over with and send those shoes to avoid further contact?!)

He knows I don't want him back, and he wanted friendship. Why can't he return it then, because then all chances on friendship are going to be ruined...

 

 

Bah.. sorry for the wall of text, just trying to make sense of it myself!!!

 

(If he had shown more initiative regarding a basic friendship, I would've spent NYE at his with all the others. He knows that from my side he wouldn't have had to worry about any scenes or drama, I'm sure of it. Now he's ruined it for everyone, noone is coming and the whole group is scattered.)

 

also, you don't have "mutual" friends. you have his friends and your friends. no one is ever impartial and will always take sides with THEIR friends.

 

and i hope you aren't saying your'e going to go out with him this NYE? that's just a bad idea. move ahead

[Anna84]

Strange as it may seem to you, I am of the conviction that we do have mutual friends. They do not take sides. As the whole group is scattered now, we're not going to spend NYE together. Our friends have understood the situation and want to avoid any drama that day. We're all going to do something else.

 

 

BUT what I wanted to say, is that I got a reply. And **** it, I am only human, I am extremely surprised by this reply, I hadn't expected he would take the effort to actually do it. I thought he wanted distance, but doesn't this email suggest the opposite? It makes it harder for me to break it off...

 

---------------

Dear Anna,

 

thank you! As you know my grandpa wasn't doing very well for [..whole story...].

I was also thinking about you and your dad a lot in the period my grandpa died [..] and especially on the 26th.

 

I hope you are going to feel better again the next months. [...] have another look for your shoes (maybe you left them somewhere on the way as I can remember you wearing these hiking boots all the time).

 

Take care,

 

******

 

PS I am still convinced of your advice trimmer, that avoiding contact is the best and forging a new sort of relationship will only be painful and detrimental to my sanity (!!!!) It just makes it harder when he's being nice when it was so unexpected. Thank god there's LS, where there's room to vent ))

Edited November 18, 2011 by Anna84

[nu464]

How to remove a judgement w/out the plantiffs coop?

 

Back in 2002, I borrowed money from a guy I was dating at the time to pay my rent. We had a bad break up and he served me to get the money back. I paid him back before going to court. He told me if we did not go to court then everything will be fine. Little did I know the court would place a judgement on my credit report if I did not show up. So my current husband and I today are trying to buy a house and are supposed to go to settlement next week. The underwriter said the judgement needs to be shown as "satisfied" or we need to get a notarized letter from the boyfriend saying that the debt has been paid. I contacted the boyfriend via email and sent him a letter that he simply needed to get signed infront of a notary. He signed the letter but did not have it notarized. How do I have this judgement marked satisfied or removed from my credit report within a week. We loose our earnest moeny deposit if we do not go to settlement.

[Anna84]

Well, after crossing paths of a certain someone I have always fancied for many years (17 actually), we did so again recently. I have been pondering leaving my current relationship and he is in the same boat. Though - for him, he has a home purchased with his ex fiance so its more complicated than my situation. They still live there together.

So - here's the question. He called me a month ago (after no contact for 5 years) and has been very complimentative in his emails and calls, which have been every day. He asked me to visit when his gf (aka ex fiance) was out of town. And I did. Then the next day he emailed me saying he would be gone on vacation for over a week.

 

Am I thinking about this too much? Was that a major blow off? He could have easily called, and didn't. Am I a sucker? Or perhaps he is thinking about his relationship and what to do? I am unable to call him since she still lives with him, I have no desire to cause him grief. Hmm...what do you think??

---------------------

 

You're buying a house with your current husband, yet you want to get in contact with someone who you've fancied for 17 years? How does that work?! or is trolling the explanation..?????

[flitzanu]

Strange as it may seem to you, I am of the conviction that we do have mutual friends. They do not take sides. As the whole group is scattered now, we're not going to spend NYE together. Our friends have understood the situation and want to avoid any drama that day. We're all going to do something else.

 

 

BUT what I wanted to say, is that I got a reply. And **** it, I am only human, I am extremely surprised by this reply, I hadn't expected he would take the effort to actually do it. I thought he wanted distance, but doesn't this email suggest the opposite? It makes it harder for me to break it off...

 

---------------

Dear Anna,

 

thank you! As you know my grandpa wasn't doing very well for [..whole story...].

I was also thinking about you and your dad a lot in the period my grandpa died [..] and especially on the 26th.

 

I hope you are going to feel better again the next months. [...] have another look for your shoes (maybe you left them somewhere on the way as I can remember you wearing these hiking boots all the time).

 

Take care,

 

******

 

PS I am still convinced of your advice trimmer, that avoiding contact is the best and forging a new sort of relationship will only be painful and detrimental to my sanity (!!!!) It just makes it harder when he's being nice when it was so unexpected. Thank god there's LS, where there's room to vent ))

 

exactly what about this email suggest he doesn't want distance as you're inidicating?

[Anna84]

you're right, nothing at all. How disappointing it is to realise I'm still in the phase of wanting to read something behind everything, when it is more than clear that there is nothing to read behind it.

 

What a sour day it is, today.

[Paper Roses]

No offense but it sounds like you want him back. Do ya?

[Anna84]

Not sure, without thinking rationally I'd say yes. More yes than no, anyway.. why?