I'm not being crazy am I?

[maysj18]

So, I've been hooking up with this guy at my college for a little over 2-3 weeks. It's very fun, playful, and comfortable. Obviously this has strengthened our friendship, but we were both fully aware that a relationship was not what the other wanted right now, blah blah. Well, tonight, I was studying in my commons and I saw him studying with his friends and some girl. They were all over each other, touching, sitting on the same small ass chair, etc. We had talked right before he sat down, so he knew I was there. Well, needless to say this made my blood boil. We aren't dating, but we're friends and I just feel insulted and honestly hurt from the general lack of respect. They left numerous times together to go upstairs to the dorms and lord only knows what happened. Well, I sent him a text that said "Way to make yourself look like an ass. **** you, bye. :)"

I'm just so tired of people being sketchy. Usually I would never call someone out on a whim like that, especially when I'm angry; however, as of recently, I feel like I just need to be more upfront about things and honest if something makes me upset. I don't care what you do on your own time, because I'm not going to ask questions just like you aren't going to ask questions, but how dare you sit there in front of me and act that way? I did have a right to call him out, didn't I?

I figured it would end fairly soonish, because hook ups usually don't last that long. I also realize that he is under no obligation to behave a certain way around me, but that doesn't mean there aren't consequences to his actions. Right?

 

Also, he kept looking at me and tried hard to get my attention after I sent it. As I was leaving he called me out on it in front of everyone in a really hateful way, and I didn't want to get into it with our friends around so I just gave him a look and walked away. He then sent me a text that said "f.u.ck you!!!!" I understand why he's mad, but if it were me, I wouldn't be mad unless I feel like I was busted. What do you guys think?

Edited November 14, 2011 by maysj18

[Lilmisus]

Yeah, he was a total ass for doing that in front of you, but when you're in a fwb situation, neither of you have any obligations to the other to act decently. Ignoring him would have probably been the best thing for you to have done at the time since it seems like his main goal was to make you jealous and get your attention...which he succeeded at doing. Then, later on, spelling it out for him that you don't do guys like that, who disrespect you in such a manner. But...look on the bright side: you don't have that a**hole to worry about anymore.

[maysj18]

Yeah, he was a total ass for doing that in front of you, but when you're in a fwb situation, neither of you have any obligations to the other to act decently. Ignoring him would have probably been the best thing for you to have done at the time since it seems like his main goal was to make you jealous and get your attention...which he succeeded at doing. Then, later on, spelling it out for him that you don't do guys like that, who disrespect you in such a manner. But...look on the bright side: you don't have that a**hole to worry about anymore.

 

Exactly. That's why I've been questioning my move. We're friends though, it's not as random of a hook up as it sounds. I just know that I would never do that in front of someone I respected, regardless of the situation because it's a low blow. I just figured I'd get the same respect in return, but hey..you're right!

[Yookie]

Sorry but in my opinion you were dead wrong. Since you both established that you are not in a committed relationship then his behavior with other women should have ZERO bearing on you.

 

He is under no obligation to act a certain way just because you are in the area. Why sign up for a FWB if you cant handle it?

[maysj18]

Sorry but in my opinion you were dead wrong. Since you both established that you are not in a committed relationship then his behavior with other women should have ZERO bearing on you.

 

He is under no obligation to act a certain way just because you are in the area. Why sign up for a FWB if you cant handle it?

 

You're right. I just feel that, as friends, there is a line that you don't cross. It's just he KNEW I was there. I have my own thing going on and I'm sure he does too, but I wouldn't flaunt it in front of him or anyone else I was seeing.

 

Well, he sent me an apology this morning because he figured he knew why I was upset. He said they are just friends and that he's really sorry for upsetting me, etc. Not sure what to think about it, but as far I know, we're cool now. I just feel bad for the way I handled it and I don't know if I believe him, honestly.

[O'Malley]

Somtimes there is less friendship and more strings attached to these situations than you'd like to believe.

 

It really doesn't matter if he was trying to arouse your jealousy or make it obvious that he's interested in other girls. To some extent you both have an emotional (not necessarily romantic) investment in your interaction. It's probably in your best interest just to end this situation with this particular guy, no further arguments or recriminations, just move on.

[jobaba]

So, I've been hooking up with this guy at my college for a little over 2-3 weeks. It's very fun, playful, and comfortable. Obviously this has strengthened our friendship, but we were both fully aware that a relationship was not what the other wanted right now, blah blah. Well, tonight, I was studying in my commons and I saw him studying with his friends and some girl. They were all over each other, touching, sitting on the same small ass chair, etc. We had talked right before he sat down, so he knew I was there. Well, needless to say this made my blood boil. We aren't dating, but we're friends and I just feel insulted and honestly hurt from the general lack of respect. They left numerous times together to go upstairs to the dorms and lord only knows what happened. Well, I sent him a text that said "Way to make yourself look like an ass. **** you, bye. :)"

I'm just so tired of people being sketchy. Usually I would never call someone out on a whim like that, especially when I'm angry; however, as of recently, I feel like I just need to be more upfront about things and honest if something makes me upset. I don't care what you do on your own time, because I'm not going to ask questions just like you aren't going to ask questions, but how dare you sit there in front of me and act that way? I did have a right to call him out, didn't I?

I figured it would end fairly soonish, because hook ups usually don't last that long. I also realize that he is under no obligation to behave a certain way around me, but that doesn't mean there aren't consequences to his actions. Right?

 

Also, he kept looking at me and tried hard to get my attention after I sent it. As I was leaving he called me out on it in front of everyone in a really hateful way, and I didn't want to get into it with our friends around so I just gave him a look and walked away. He then sent me a text that said "f.u.ck you!!!!" I understand why he's mad, but if it were me, I wouldn't be mad unless I feel like I was busted. What do you guys think?

 

Well. Obviously you harbor some feelings for him because the whole issue bothered you. And I don't blame you. Attraction and feelings happen naturally.

 

He's an TOTAL a@@. To do that in front of you shows no respect. But honestly, guys who do that know they can get away with that kind of behavior because they can always get another girl at the drop of a hat. And girls just fuel that fire by going after that same guy time and time again. So, in a way I feel bad for you, but in a way I don't at all.

 

Sorry ... bitter man episode.

[maysj18]

Well. Obviously you harbor some feelings for him because the whole issue bothered you. And I don't blame you. Attraction and feelings happen naturally.

 

He's an TOTAL a@@. To do that in front of you shows no respect. But honestly, guys who do that know they can get away with that kind of behavior because they can always get another girl at the drop of a hat. And girls just fuel that fire by going after that same guy time and time again. So, in a way I feel bad for you, but in a way I don't at all.

 

Sorry ... bitter man episode.

 

I really appreciate all your advice everyone. I'm not stupid and I think he's shady, so I know I'm done. I just want to make sure my concerns were legit and that he was being an ass.

[SingleinSouth]

It sounds like the sort of thing that comes with the FWB type of relationship. I don't think it was very sensitive, but then again, the FWB situation is not for the sensitive if you ask me.

 

Let it go and don't do the FWB thing with him and seriously consider that it is not for you. I would be chill with him because you have the same group of friends but let him know that now you are strictly friends.

[ErgoStep]

I really appreciate all your advice everyone. I'm not stupid and I think he's shady, so I know I'm done. I just want to make sure my concerns were legit and that he was being an ass.

 

If you're in an exclusive relationship it's shady for him to be messing with other women.

 

If you're both dating around, well then. Logically, shady is the wrong word. I'd call it fair play.

 

If he was flaunting it in front of you, that's rude. But it sounds unintentional.

 

It's possible to be emotionally/physically attracted to more than one woman at a time. Usually it progresses deeper and deeper with one.

 

Because of your reaction, he's less likely to progress with you.

[forms]

You were both wrong. He owes you no standard of behavior. Maybe he was doing it make you jealous--which would be dickwad-ish. But....

 

...You stayed and watched. They went upstairs a couple times you said. Why didn't you just leave when you felt unhappy with the situation?

 

You said his behavior was disrespectful? But who gets to decide what's respectful in this situation? Is he allowed to share a chair with her? Kiss her? Leave the room with her and return? Did the other friends he was also 'studying' with feel disrespected? If not, why not? After all, you said you and this guy were "just friends". Yet you felt insulted and disrespected--but they didn't. Just friends wouldn't have been offended. You likely feel more than 'just friends' with him, and haven't really acknowledged that to yourself yet.

 

Because they didn't sleep with him. Since you are 'cool' with each other now and apparently are going to continue the relationship with him, and since this is likely to happen again, perhaps it's worth your while to examine your expectations. Such as why you feel you deserve more respect than any of his other friends--and does he agree that you are a special category of friend that he has to behave differently if you are around?

 

Maybe also examine why you felt insulted? He wasn't doing anything to you? Are you sure you weren't a bit jealous? Or humiliated?

 

Also ask why you stayed and tortured yourself watching their exhibition if it bothered you? Why did YOU not take responsibility for putting an end to the 'insult' rather than glare at him trying to shame him into it? It seems you disrespected yourself by staying. Getting up and leaving would have shown self respect and would have put an end to his needling you, if that's why he was doing it.

 

I think your text was out of line. But so was his.

 

I'm curious though as to why you are now 'cool' with him? If you were that angry, disrespected and insulted that you said 'good bye', how is it that a few words makes it all all right? You implied in your text you were done with him.

 

I'd think more about what REALLY happened and what you REALLY expect from him--then make sure he agrees.

Edited November 15, 2011 by forms

[forms]

I don't care what you do on your own time, because I'm not going to ask questions just like you aren't going to ask questions, but how dare you sit there in front of me and act that way? I did have a right to call him out, didn't I?

 

It sounds like he WAS on his own time. He wasn't on your time.

 

He was on his own time and wanted to be frisky with a willing female and had no obligations to anyone else, so why shouldn't he have?

 

I don't think you had a right to call him out. But this was hardly a situation heavily laced in etiquette on anyone's part, so I doubt it matters.

[daphne]

^^What forms said.

 

Although I think he could have been more sensitive given the intimate nature of your relationship, he doesn't owe it to you. You have to decide if you can handle the hurt feelings that come about in situations like these. I think your reaction was emotional and entitled, like that of a gf. Not of a "friend." But you signed up to not be entitled.

 

This is why I don't think fwb work. Someone is always harboring more intense feelings for the other than they'd care to admit.

[forms]

I have my own thing going on and I'm sure he does too, but I wouldn't flaunt it in front of him or anyone else I was seeing.

 

But that's YOU. He's a different person. He's not obligation to act the way you would. You do not set the standards for everyone's behavior. You are allowed to be you and he is allowed to be himself. He's allowed to have different standards of behavior than you.

 

He said they are just friends and that he's really sorry for upsetting me, etc. Not sure what to think about it, but as far I know, we're cool now. I just feel bad for the way I handled it and I don't know if I believe him, honestly.

 

Ah, there's that 'just friends' thing again. He's "just friends" all over the place, isn't he? I'm sure he's 'just friends' with her the same way he's 'just friends' with you. I'd believe him completely if he's telling you he's 'just friends'. If being 'just friends' with you includes sex, then being 'just friends' with her includes sex too most likely, or will eventually if not now. And is that really any of your business whether it does or doesn't? Why do you care?

 

He apologized because it's a cheap way to keep a FB around if it worked. And apparently it worked.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

It is extremely fair that you were crushed by what you observed. Yet I think you should identify that those feelings were huge within you for reasons for which HE was not directly responsible.

 

It is always said that sleeping with someone tends to cause us to be more emotionally drawn to that person, and it would thus be perfectly natural that you were feeling more than what is 'healthy' in a FWB context (if there is such a thing as "healthy in a FWB context" ).

 

He was indeed "insensitive", but his insensitivity MATTERED TO YOU far more than was healthy.

 

If you were somehow able to step back and out of your role, and view the interaction of 3 random college students, then it would be different.

 

If a guy came to Love Shack, from University, and wrote: "I've been hooking up with this one girl that I like fairly well, and we get on great, but there's this other girl for whom I have been pining for months/years, and I really might have a chance with her, but I don't know what to do..."

 

Many of us would advise such a mythical poster to back-off with the hook-up girl, and at least give himself a chance with the thorough crush he's been fostering.

 

So what if the scenario you describe was also such a guy's first clear opportunity to have a chance with the girl he's been crushing on.

 

 

I know that your reaction as described was the result of feeling really hurt, but most of that hurt was caused not by him independently, but by your own (fairly normal) challenge in separating feelings and emotions from raw sex.

 

Indeed these are challenges that are prominent at every university campus on earth, and life can be quite different when you're young and away from home for the first time with all of these opportunities. I think that goes double for a woman.

[maysj18]

Whoaa, I never said I was going to let it continue. I'm done.

We also never had sex nor fooled around.

 

But you are right. With no talk of commitment, how can I hold him accountable for anything?

[Bridgey]

Whoaa, I never said I was going to let it continue. I'm done.

We also never had sex nor fooled around.

 

But you are right. With no talk of commitment, how can I hold him accountable for anything?

 

You guys never even had sex and you got that upset over this situation? It sounds like you guys were pretty much JUST friends, which means you had no right to be mad at him for letting another girl flirt with him while you were in the room. Leave this as a lesson learned and drop the friendship.

[jobaba]

It sounds like he WAS on his own time. He wasn't on your time.

 

He was on his own time and wanted to be frisky with a willing female and had no obligations to anyone else, so why shouldn't he have?

 

I don't think you had a right to call him out. But this was hardly a situation heavily laced in etiquette on anyone's part, so I doubt it matters.

 

Man, I totally disagree.

 

To take ten girls up to his dorm room and have a harem type orgy where the OP couldn't see it ... that's his business...

 

But to get frisky with another female in front of a female you've recently been physically/emotionally involved with, he knew exactly what he was doing.

 

It's spiteful and disrespectful and something that could have been avoided so easily.

 

People who live their life like that, just doing what they want regardless of the feelings of others, just as long as nobody dies.

 

Like the d@uchebag who stole my parking space I'd been waiting 10 minutes for the other day...

 

Whatever, people are going to be people, but people like THAT suck...

Edited November 15, 2011 by jobaba

[Nexus One]

I disagree with the people who are saying this guy did nothing wrong.

 

Suppose a girl came up to me and I got a vibe from her that she likes me and we became friends, then I KNOW that hitting on other girls in front of her could be painful for her.

 

I'd probably make an assessment if hitting on said girl would be a one time opportunity and if it's not, then I'd probably let the opportunity slip to spare the feelings of my female friend.

 

The guy either seemed insensitive to her feelings, or he damn well knew what he was doing and was playing the field by making her jealous. He also seemed to make sure the other girl knew about it by calling out May in front of the group.

Edited November 15, 2011 by Nexus One

[maysj18]

I disagree with the people who are saying this guy did nothing wrong.

 

Suppose a girl came up to me and I got a vibe from her that she likes me and we became friends, then I KNOW that hitting on other girls in front of her could be painful for her.

 

I'd probably make an assessment if hitting on said girl would be a one time opportunity and if it's not, then I'd probably let the opportunity slip to spare the feelings of my female friend.

 

The guy either seemed insensitive to her feelings, or he damn well knew what he was doing and was playing the field by making her jealous. He also seemed to make sure the other girl knew about it by calling out May in front of the group.

 

I know if the tables were turned, he'd be uncomfortable too. Thats why if he's around, I'm not going to be all over some other guy. It's inconsiderate, and it still stung even if we haven't had sex. He's stayed the night multiple times, we've made out, and have been pretty affectionate in public. I've never had sex and i won't fool around outside of a relationship, so I mean we've gone as far as I'd allow someone who I wasn't dating to go. Its not like we only talk in class and occasionally text, its been a bit more than that.

Edited November 15, 2011 by maysj18

[Nexus One]

I know if the tables were turned, he'd be uncomfortable too. Thats why if he's around, I'm not going to be all over some other guy. It's inconsiderate, and it still stung even if we haven't had sex. He's stayed the night multiple times, we've made out, and have been pretty affectionate in public. I've never had sex and i won't fool around outside of a relationship, so I mean we've gone as far as I'd allow someone who I wasn't dating to go. Its not like we only talk in class and occasionally text, its been a bit more than that.

 

That makes what he did completely unacceptable. When I posted my previous reply I thought you were just friends, but you're more than that, as just regular friends don't make out with each other.

 

If I were you I'd be done with him. What he did was disrespectful, indecent, disloyal and unethical.

[daphne]

Whoaa, I never said I was going to let it continue. I'm done.

We also never had sex nor fooled around.

 

But you are right. With no talk of commitment, how can I hold him accountable for anything?

 

Your post is confusing. You mention hooking up, several people mention fwb and you didn't negate that. Fwb is sex, as I understand it.

 

If you guys weren't having sex, to me I think you're overreacting even more. I understand that you'd be hurt and he wasn't being Mr. Sensitive, but the proportion of your reaction to the crime committed does not seem rational to me.

[Pierre]

So, I've been hooking up with this guy at my college for a little over 2-3 weeks. It's very fun, playful, and comfortable. Obviously this has strengthened our friendship, but we were both fully aware that a relationship was not what the other wanted right now, blah blah. Well, tonight, I was studying in my commons and I saw him studying with his friends and some girl. They were all over each other, touching, sitting on the same small ass chair, etc. We had talked right before he sat down, so he knew I was there. Well, needless to say this made my blood boil. We aren't dating, but we're friends and I just feel insulted and honestly hurt from the general lack of respect. They left numerous times together to go upstairs to the dorms and lord only knows what happened. Well, I sent him a text that said "Way to make yourself look like an ass. **** you, bye. :)"

I'm just so tired of people being sketchy. Usually I would never call someone out on a whim like that, especially when I'm angry; however, as of recently, I feel like I just need to be more upfront about things and honest if something makes me upset. I don't care what you do on your own time, because I'm not going to ask questions just like you aren't going to ask questions, but how dare you sit there in front of me and act that way? I did have a right to call him out, didn't I?

I figured it would end fairly soonish, because hook ups usually don't last that long. I also realize that he is under no obligation to behave a certain way around me, but that doesn't mean there aren't consequences to his actions. Right?

 

Also, he kept looking at me and tried hard to get my attention after I sent it. As I was leaving he called me out on it in front of everyone in a really hateful way, and I didn't want to get into it with our friends around so I just gave him a look and walked away. He then sent me a text that said "f.u.ck you!!!!" I understand why he's mad, but if it were me, I wouldn't be mad unless I feel like I was busted. What do you guys think?

 

 

This guy has no respect for you.

 

He has no respect for you because you do not command respect.

 

Next time try to command some respect.

[maysj18]

Than you were even more over the top.

 

The problem is within you, but you won't fix it ... you will just backwards rationalize it onto the world/him/situation.

 

 

 

This is not about him, he is not the one posting here.

This is about you, and your problem ... the fact that you reacted the way you reacted.

 

Where in my posts have i made it seem I don't demand respect and wont fix a problem if its me?

I saw something I didnt like, called him out, we talked about it, its over. He wasn't a random guy, because we were good friends since we started college 3 years ago.

[insertnamehere]

I'm calling the OP out. This is standard issue immature **** that women pull and then think they're soooo clever and so right for being aggrieved.

 

You told him it wasn't a relationship. That means if he's with another girl you get to stow your feelings and keep the attitude to yourself. If you wanted it any other way, you should have asked for it any other way.

 

Women pull this **** all the time. They give it up casually to a guy because they think deep down he'll be so overwhelmed by feelings and he'll just magically come along to a relationship without having to discuss it being serious. You are not the first girl in history to pull this bull****.

 

Seriously, little girl, grow the **** up.

 

In conclusion: all blame is on you. Tough ****. You only got what you asked for.