Lilmisus Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Since my boyfriend and I started dating, there's really only been one girl that I've had an issue with. I've stated before that he's a flirt, and we've pretty much have moved past that and he doesn't talk or flirt with girls nearly as much. But the one girl who I have an issue with, he told me at the beginning of the relationship that he tried to date (coworker of ours), but he wasn't her type. They still talked and were friends, and she would text him all the time, and at first I didn't have an issue with it. It was when she'd text him all the time and put her head on his shoulder (at work) that I started really having an issue with her. I brought this up, and he told her no more physical contact. Which...she tested a few days later by trying to put her head on his shoulder again but he just made a scene of it saying 'Nope, you never know who's watching' and jumping away. She's stopped since then. But...even though I told him that I had an issue with her the first like..two times, he'd still stand there and talk to her at work (she flirts with a lot of the guys there since most are her friends), and turning the corner all the time and seeing them talking started to bother me more and more and I started getting pissed at work. We talked about it a couple weeks ago and I told him that I just don't like it cause of 1.) it reminds me of how my ex did me and 2.) It feels like they're still talking. I know he'd never cheat on me, and I trust him...but I just can't trust girls anymore. Plus..I never really liked her to begin with. He said stopping being friends with her would be worth it if I'd stop worrying. Even if it meant causing work drama. He said he could find another job and more friends, he just couldn't find another me. Well..since then, I haven't been worrying about it. Her and I have worked together a few times, and I just avoid her, and she avoids me. Every now and then we talk and I never act mean to her, but I'm not trying to be friends. Tonight, the three of us worked together. We each talked a few times, but he never lingered there with her like he used to. I also didn't try talking to her and sometimes just walked away if she was there. During work, I overheard her say (loudly) in the kitchen how "You're girlfriend doesn't like me does she? I don't care, but it's kinda obvious" And he just said no comment. At that point I just walked away since I didn't want to listen in, but she followed it with "she gave me a mean look" which made him feel like he needed to talk to me. Now...he's asking me to talk to her and be honest with one another about things so things aren't awkward at work. His text said "Her and I were friends that use to talk all the time. Now I feel kinda like a jerk because I avoid her." I asked if that's why he wanted me to be friends with her, and he said that's kinda where he was getting at with this. This doesn't make me happy and I'm wondering a few things. Does this make me a bad person/girlfriend because it doesn't make me happy? Am I completely overreacting? What do I say to her if I do talk to her? "Hey...my boyfriend tried to date you a few months ago, and you kept flirting with him after we started dating so...you're on my hate list"?
WhiteChocolate Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Although I think it is really rude of her to say those kinds of things to your boyfriend, I also think that you should talk to her. It will take self-control however. I would say something like, "Hey, it's not that I don't like you, but I don't feel comfortable with you being friends with my boyfriend. I'm sorry that there is this barrier between us, but I hope that we can keep this professional and mature and not let personal issues affect our working relationship." You don't have to be friends, or even like each other, but just be clear that you don't dislike her.
Jane2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 I'm very biased, but I think you should be friends with her. I'm very anti-animosity-toward-exes and ex situations. (I think I'm in the minority, of course). In most circumstance, I would be friends with any ex-girlfriend of a boyfriend. If anything, I think it creates a situation where she feel like less of a threat (when you are friends with her yourself). Years ago, when I was in a relationship with a long-term boyfriend, there was this female friend of his that I had an issue with for a while because, while he didn't date her, he admitted that he wanted to do so around the same time he met me and that if he weren't with me, he'd go for her. She was, of course, pretty and perfect. I was really jealous of her. She just stayed a nemesis (in my mind, if only) until I eventually started becoming friends with her. She still felt threatening to me then, too, but not as much so.
Author Lilmisus Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 Although I think it is really rude of her to say those kinds of things to your boyfriend, I also think that you should talk to her. It will take self-control however. I would say something like, "Hey, it's not that I don't like you, but I don't feel comfortable with you being friends with my boyfriend. I'm sorry that there is this barrier between us, but I hope that we can keep this professional and mature and not let personal issues affect our working relationship." You don't have to be friends, or even like each other, but just be clear that you don't dislike her. True. I was going to tell my boyfriend this last night when he sent me the text saying "I want you 2 to talk to each other so you'll both see that y'all don't have anything against each other and then things at work won't be awkward anymore" that I really just...don't like her. I mean...yes, you're right that it would take self control to get along with her, but I was never really friends with her to begin with, and once I found out that he tried to date her, I was your typical dramatic (high school-like) girl and found all the reasons that he shouldn't want to date her which made me dislike her more (she's a former stripper, does drugs, drinks a lot, anger issues, whore essentially...all things that he claims turned him off and when he realized it about her, he stopped going after her..). But she is a nice person who gets along with everyone else at my job so I know why he was friends with her. If I say something along those lines though, what do I say about their friendship? It still bothers me seeing them talk together, I think because I built such a dislike for her, and I want to satisfy my boyfriend by giving him best of both worlds by not holding him back from being friends with someone who I guess he was close with...but at the same time, I feel the line should be there. I don't want to see her touch him like she used to or text him at odd hours while we're together...but how do I let that be known?
Author Lilmisus Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 I'm very biased, but I think you should be friends with her. I'm very anti-animosity-toward-exes and ex situations. (I think I'm in the minority, of course). In most circumstance, I would be friends with any ex-girlfriend of a boyfriend. If anything, I think it creates a situation where she feel like less of a threat (when you are friends with her yourself). Years ago, when I was in a relationship with a long-term boyfriend, there was this female friend of his that I had an issue with for a while because, while he didn't date her, he admitted that he wanted to do so around the same time he met me and that if he weren't with me, he'd go for her. She was, of course, pretty and perfect. I was really jealous of her. She just stayed a nemesis (in my mind, if only) until I eventually started becoming friends with her. She still felt threatening to me then, too, but not as much so. I actually don't have an issue with his exes. There's two that he talks to on a regular basis. One being his son's mother, and the other being the second girl he dated who he proposed to a couple years ago. I'll even ask how either of them are and he openly tells me when he messaged the ex-fiance, and his son's mother wants to meet and get to know me. There was also at least three other girls who he tried dating before we met that he still keeps in touch with, two of which are Facebook friend's of mine and have expressed how happy they are for him that he found me, the other who lives in a completely different country so I don't worry about. It's really just this chick, and it's the same for me as it was for you with the one girl that your ex tried dating around the same time. This girl isn't perfect, but she is intimidating and does feel like a nemesis of some sort.
MizHoney2U Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 There is no reason to be her friend if the only reason is because he asked you to. If she is not your type, she's not. The thing is this, your jealousy, insecurity could create an attraction for her towards him, especially knowing that he tried to talk with her in the past... think about it... he wasn't her type, yet she flirts... she knows she would not like that if it were her man... further more, the simple fact that he wanted to go out with her... even if just for one night... should make her fall in the ex category... maintain a platonic distance out of respect to the new gf.. they both sound selfish and immature to even behave in that manner. and it's not that she doesn't like you, she feels that you are being disrespectful by flirting with her man... that should have been his response to her. Good luck
thatone Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 she sounds like a drama queen. why would either of you want to be cordial to her?
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 A relationship that is filled with all of this type of unnecessary drama sounds very immature to me - like high school. You and your boyfriend both obviously thrive on it (I've read your other threads), or it would not be a constant thing. Working with ones boyfriend, and also with girls he's been having flirtations with, is a pretty loaded situation and you need to not only behave like a very mature grown up, but he has to as well in order to make it in that situation. Neither of you are at that stage so far. Acting like mature grown ups would probably look like this: The bf would have assumed all the responsibility for stopping physical contact and flirting with his other romantic interests when the two of you became "official" without putting it all on you. No "you never know who's watching." That clearly implies that it's just because he might get caught by you. It would be more along the lines of "No cuddling, I am not interested in cuddling with you." Don't blame it all on the girl. He is clearly participating. You get to be the "bad guy" for standing in the way of their "friendship." Which I don't find to be a very compelling relationship in any case. She is a girl he was pursuing. Not a "friend." Chat and banter in a workplace does not equal real friendship, especially when it's based on somebody trying to date somebody else. It seems that you both love the drama, though, so it might just be okay for a little while.
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