carnalkitty Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 I ****ed up. I slept with my married boss. Over the course of a few months I've been messing around with this guy just for kicks. I didn't really like him, but thought it was fun and he just oozes this witty charm. He completely chased me for the past year, but I brushed it off. Finally, one night he just pounced on me. I entertained it, especially the sexting just for the sheer entertainment. I realize how awful that sounds. I truly don't care for this guy or his wife. It seemed like he was a professional cheater, at least thats what he made it seem. I figured it would be just be a short quick fling, no one would get hurt. This is what he does and I'm just the chick of the moment (and I'm OK with that - i dont want anything out of it except for a good hot minute). Today, his wife found out about us - she sent me a little nastygram. Of course, completely well deserved. Obviously - this is no longer fun and games and I need to disappear. Top that off, I've fallen out of love with my long term bf due to chemistry and the guilt that eats me up of not telling him about my affair. So instead of being honest and telling him, I broke up with him today as well. So no sex for me for awhile apparently. Is this a mid-life crisis? This is not me, I don't cheat, I dont lie. But I've done all this over the course of just a few short months. I dont know what to do now...now I am boyfriendless for the first time in my life and i have to worry about my career. UGH all just for a few hot moments.
bentnotbroken Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 I ****ed up. I slept with my married boss. Over the course of a few months I've been messing around with this guy just for kicks. I didn't really like him, but thought it was fun and he just oozes this witty charm. He completely chased me for the past year, but I brushed it off. Finally, one night he just pounced on me. I entertained it, especially the sexting just for the sheer entertainment. I realize how awful that sounds. I truly don't care for this guy or his wife. It seemed like he was a professional cheater, at least thats what he made it seem. I figured it would be just be a short quick fling, no one would get hurt. This is what he does and I'm just the chick of the moment (and I'm OK with that - i dont want anything out of it except for a good hot minute). Today, his wife found out about us - she sent me a little nastygram. Of course, completely well deserved. Obviously - this is no longer fun and games and I need to disappear. Top that off, I've fallen out of love with my long term bf due to chemistry and the guilt that eats me up of not telling him about my affair. So instead of being honest and telling him, I broke up with him today as well. So no sex for me for awhile apparently. Is this a mid-life crisis? This is not me, I don't cheat, I dont lie. But I've done all this over the course of just a few short months. I dont know what to do now...now I am boyfriendless for the first time in my life and i have to worry about my career. UGH all just for a few hot moments. You help mess up royally and you are worried about being without a bf for the first time in your life(and no sex)...while other people's life have exploded cause you and bossy wanted to play with fire. Being without a man in your life might give you the time to figure out where your head is.
Emme Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Well as of right now your main concern is looking for employment just in case. You seem to have a lot going on in your life and maybe this is just what needs to happen for you to focus. Are you getting things in order? Are you looking for direction as to what's to come or are you just venting?
Trimmer Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 This is not me, I don't cheat, I dont lie. I think you need to restate that in the past tense, don't you? I completely understand the tendency to want to see the person who did the cheating and lying as someone else - "not really you" - or an insane version of you or something. But that's not owning what you have done. You did cheat, you did lie. It is you who did those things. If that doesn't fit with your image of yourself, two of the ways of looking at your developmental path moving forward are: (1) Dissociate "the person who did those things" from yourself, assume that the "real you" will return, and look at this a just a situation in which a couple of messes need to be cleaned up (leave your job, leave your boyfriend, run away, run away...) (2) Admit that it was really you who did those things; own it, explore your reasons and motivations, decide how you want to change yourself for the future, and do some serious work to get there. The first one probably seems easier, but then, wouldn't you just still be lying - to yourself?
2sure Posted November 17, 2011 Posted November 17, 2011 You screwed up. You had sex with a man you work with. A married man. One that sounds like a serial cheater. And not a good one. You made a mistake. Clearly through your own description of whats going on in your life, and your emotions, and your confusion... Look: Something is wrong. You need to figure it out. Fix it. And get happy with yourself again. You might consider explaining to your ex BF: Im unhappy. Maybe with myself. Maybe with you. I have to be on my own to see. For yourself: You banged a sleezebag at work. His wife found out. There may be professional backlash from this, even if it is simply in the form of gossip about you. Forgive yourself FIRST. You didnt betray anyone but yourself. Forget him, focus, move forward.
Ruby_shoes Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 You screwed up. You had sex with a man you work with. A married man. One that sounds like a serial cheater. And not a good one. You made a mistake. Clearly through your own description of whats going on in your life, and your emotions, and your confusion... Look: Something is wrong. You need to figure it out. Fix it. And get happy with yourself again. You might consider explaining to your ex BF: Im unhappy. Maybe with myself. Maybe with you. I have to be on my own to see. For yourself: You banged a sleezebag at work. His wife found out. There may be professional backlash from this, even if it is simply in the form of gossip about you. Forgive yourself FIRST. You didnt betray anyone but yourself. Forget him, focus, move forward. Yes this! A midlife crisis would be accompanied by thoughts like 'life is too short' 'I hate my job' and a need to run away and discover yourself. I know, I'm having a quarter life crisis But you can just find a new job and chalk this up to experience! You could tell your ex, you ended your R due to guilt but if he wanted to work on it would you? 2Sure is right, forgive yourself. You don't owe anything to this guy or his W. You may have done them a favour if he's a professional cheater anyway!
MissBee Posted November 18, 2011 Posted November 18, 2011 I think you need to restate that in the past tense, don't you? I completely understand the tendency to want to see the person who did the cheating and lying as someone else - "not really you" - or an insane version of you or something. But that's not owning what you have done. You did cheat, you did lie. It is you who did those things. If that doesn't fit with your image of yourself, two of the ways of looking at your developmental path moving forward are: (1) Dissociate "the person who did those things" from yourself, assume that the "real you" will return, and look at this a just a situation in which a couple of messes need to be cleaned up (leave your job, leave your boyfriend, run away, run away...) (2) Admit that it was really you who did those things; own it, explore your reasons and motivations, decide how you want to change yourself for the future, and do some serious work to get there. The first one probably seems easier, but then, wouldn't you just still be lying - to yourself? Great post! Well said...
Author carnalkitty Posted November 22, 2011 Author Posted November 22, 2011 All - thanks for your thoughts. I haven't spoken to the married guy since - however I do get the feeling that sleezebaggedness will most likely stop feeling remorse after about a week. I'm going to try to stay strong and be single - though it is very difficult for me. I'm continously calling my ex bf to talk about work (go figure right - important to note: i dont work for the married guy anymore as we are on different projects but who knows in the future). Remember the movie Up in the Air? Yeah story of my life. Its funny how there are 2 different types of posters but both point a finger. of course i realize i messed up. People who KNOWINGLY did something bad dont need a lecture. I have always been missy good two shoes. While you may think its awful what I've done; to be honest, I feel a little bit freed - to behave as my instincts (or loins - whichever of the two) lead me on. in the back of my mind, i've been wanting to break up with the bf for almost 2 years but never got the courage to but KNEW far well that if i cheated, I'd have no choice to but to cut the cord - messed up right? yes but i couldn't have brought myself to it without a tangible reason. i guess i just thought by 28 i'd have life figured out. Rubyshoes and 2Sure - i do truly appreciate the POSITIVE insight - i agree on doing their R a favor by expediting the divorce. He had previously told me that a few years back his cheating got so bad they were about to divorce anyways. All in all, this doesn't come as a shock to the W. At least thats what i tell myself so i dont feel so bad for being a homewrecker. i think this is a mix of a quarterlife crisis and a not-the-right-relationship-gone-too-long issue. I want to move halfway round the world, get a new job and find my soul mate. I sound totally ridiculous, but my plans are in place...now i just need the courage and confidence to make it happen.
bentnotbroken Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 All - thanks for your thoughts. I haven't spoken to the married guy since - however I do get the feeling that sleezebaggedness will most likely stop feeling remorse after about a week. I'm going to try to stay strong and be single - though it is very difficult for me. I'm continously calling my ex bf to talk about work (go figure right - important to note: i dont work for the married guy anymore as we are on different projects but who knows in the future). Remember the movie Up in the Air? Yeah story of my life. Its funny how there are 2 different types of posters but both point a finger. of course i realize i messed up. People who KNOWINGLY did something bad dont need a lecture. I have always been missy good two shoes. While you may think its awful what I've done; to be honest, I feel a little bit freed - to behave as my instincts (or loins - whichever of the two) lead me on. in the back of my mind, i've been wanting to break up with the bf for almost 2 years but never got the courage to but KNEW far well that if i cheated, I'd have no choice to but to cut the cord - messed up right? yes but i couldn't have brought myself to it without a tangible reason. i guess i just thought by 28 i'd have life figured out. Rubyshoes and 2Sure - i do truly appreciate the POSITIVE insight - i agree on doing their R a favor by expediting the divorce. He had previously told me that a few years back his cheating got so bad they were about to divorce anyways. All in all, this doesn't come as a shock to the W. At least thats what i tell myself so i dont feel so bad for being a homewrecker. i think this is a mix of a quarterlife crisis and a not-the-right-relationship-gone-too-long issue. I want to move halfway round the world, get a new job and find my soul mate. I totally ridiculoussound , but my plans are in place...now i just need the courage and confidence to make it happen. Yes...No....Yes.
LoveTKO Posted November 22, 2011 Posted November 22, 2011 This has less to do with the affair because it's more about you falling out of love with your BF. Humans have a visceral need for passion and love, so you went and filled the void. Doing it with a married co-worker / boss is a little dangerous because of the ramifications of maintaining job security. Cheating is fun and exciting, but it usually catches up with you at some point.
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