mathompson04 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Long story short, to cope with my husband cheating, my failed marriage and severe depression, I've been seeing a therapist. The same therapist that my husband and I saw together after I found out he cheated. "D" saw that same therapist for 3 more sessions by himself to deal with suicidal thoughts and how to be happy without his mistress. Well, after only three sessions alone, D decided he was "cured", but has since kept seeing his mistress. He completely gave up on resisting her. He's grown scarily obsessed with her, much like an alcoholic needs alcohol. He has shown little to no remorse for his affair, and he has moved on from our marriage seamlessly. He refuses to go back to therapy because he believes he doesn't have a problem. In order to give me some insight on HOW and WHY my marriage failed, our therapist has diagnosed me with severe depression, and D with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He shows all the classic signs of a narcissist: lack of empathy, moves from one relationship to another easily, obsesses over physical beauty, thinks his mistress is his "soul mate", and he sucks the happiness out of others in order to feel happy. He sucked the happiness out of me, and now he's doing the same to his mistress. The problem is, is that my therapist has asked me not to share this diagnosis with him. However... D clearly needs help, and I still care about him despite his selfishness and betrayal. He's on a self-destructive path that will cycle for the rest of his life unless I intervene. What can I do to make D see that he needs help for his NPD, and do that without breaking confidentiality to my therapist? Should I send him an article about it in the mail anonymously? Again, he refuses to go to therapy because he thinks he doesn't have a problem (typical narcissist).
Art_Critic Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 No.. take the knowledge that you have and use it for your own strength and don't worry about him.
Steen719 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Long story short, to cope with my husband cheating, my failed marriage and severe depression, I've been seeing a therapist. The same therapist that my husband and I saw together after I found out he cheated. "D" saw that same therapist for 3 more sessions by himself to deal with suicidal thoughts and how to be happy without his mistress. Well, after only three sessions alone, D decided he was "cured", but has since kept seeing his mistress. He completely gave up on resisting her. He's grown scarily obsessed with her, much like an alcoholic needs alcohol. He has shown little to no remorse for his affair, and he has moved on from our marriage seamlessly. He refuses to go back to therapy because he believes he doesn't have a problem. In order to give me some insight on HOW and WHY my marriage failed, our therapist has diagnosed me with severe depression, and D with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He shows all the classic signs of a narcissist: lack of empathy, moves from one relationship to another easily, obsesses over physical beauty, thinks his mistress is his "soul mate", and he sucks the happiness out of others in order to feel happy. He sucked the happiness out of me, and now he's doing the same to his mistress. The problem is, is that my therapist has asked me not to share this diagnosis with him. However... D clearly needs help, and I still care about him despite his selfishness and betrayal. He's on a self-destructive path that will cycle for the rest of his life unless I intervene. What can I do to make D see that he needs help for his NPD, and do that without breaking confidentiality to my therapist? Should I send him an article about it in the mail anonymously? Again, he refuses to go to therapy because he thinks he doesn't have a problem (typical narcissist). NO,NO, NO...do not tell him what the therapist said. First of all, the therapist should not have told you, but did and you should not repeat it. Second, NPD treatment can be successful, but it takes long and difficult work and I think the prognosis is not really very good, which does not mean he could not benefit, but why would he listen to you when he would not listen to a qualified therapist or make any changes to help his marriage? Also, he does not seem to think he has a problem, so what is his incentive, even if someone tells him he has one? He is happy (or something like that)..you know this won't last..but he doesn't believe that. He is with his (YUCK) soul-mate. Of course, you do what you think is best, but it seems to me that he would not take it well, maybe tell you to butt out and if you did it anonymously, I think he would know that you did it....who else??? Good luck.
Author mathompson04 Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 Steen---you have a point. He would figure out that it was me. D is a smart guy, which always is why I felt inferior to him in our marriage. I guess the best recourse is maybe talk to my therapist about it, and see what SHE can do to help him at this point. Maybe write him a letter about how his behavior will affect me...she is concerned that since I'm stuck with D until our house sells, my treatment will be ineffective and he will continue to suck the happiness out of me. Really I want to help both D and myself by telling him that he has NPD, but I have no idea how to get him to admit that his cheating, selfishness, secret keeping and my depression was a result from his narcissism. It sucks, I really loved the man I married, but not the man he is now...
sillysmart Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Hey I just wanted to mention it was unethical for the therapist to tell you his DX. She could possibly be reported to a board. At least in the state of CA. In addition you do not owe your therapist confidentiality...she owes you confidentiality. If he did see her is she going to tell him what your DX is? Did he give her ongoing permission to speak to you openly about his DX and treatment? I work in the mental health field. Anyway personality DO's are difficult to DX in some sense. Also mental health DO are not hard science like medical Disorders. Basically personality disorders are difficult to treat. Take into consideration some HMO"S insurance providers will not even pay for the treatment of them? What does that tell you? It is not that they are not valid but I say don't get hung up on the Diagnosis but rather on specific symptoms affecting a person's functioning in different life domains such as work, relationships, physical health etc. Anyway I doubt telling him would help at all. Go to a site called Mental Health First Aid and if you live in the U.S. maybe go to a class. This class teaches you as a non professional how to offer first aid to someone struggling with mental health issues or disorders. You can approach your stbx with this instead of telling him a label which he will deny and probably be offended? Anyway I hope this is helpful.
findingnemo Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 Steen---you have a point. He would figure out that it was me. D is a smart guy, which always is why I felt inferior to him in our marriage. I guess the best recourse is maybe talk to my therapist about it, and see what SHE can do to help him at this point. Maybe write him a letter about how his behavior will affect me...she is concerned that since I'm stuck with D until our house sells, my treatment will be ineffective and he will continue to suck the happiness out of me. Really I want to help both D and myself by telling him that he has NPD, but I have no idea how to get him to admit that his cheating, selfishness, secret keeping and my depression was a result from his narcissism. It sucks, I really loved the man I married, but not the man he is now... Your therapist told you so that you could understand what was happening. It is part of your therapy to see things as they are. If you know anything about people with NPD, you know that telling him won't help. Instead, he will destroy the therapist for a breach in confidentiality (he wouldn't win) and make you out to be the crazy one. Loving someone with NPD is like self flag..(that thing when people whip themselves raw atoning for sin). Let him go and move on with your life. Thank God that his mistress will have to deal with him now. The alternative would have been him turning into a stalker and making your life difficult. NPD = Bad news. Run.
betterdeal Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 The problem is, is that my therapist has asked me not to share this diagnosis with him. However... D clearly needs help, and I still care about him despite his selfishness and betrayal. He's on a self-destructive path that will cycle for the rest of his life unless I intervene. What can I do to make D see that he needs help for his NPD, and do that without breaking confidentiality to my therapist? Should I send him an article about it in the mail anonymously? Again, he refuses to go to therapy because he thinks he doesn't have a problem (typical narcissist). I know you feel that, sincerely, you need to intervene or else he'll continue on that path, but you are not the only person who can intervene, are you? You are probably the last person who can reach out to him right now. He feels betrayed and has shut you out. Anything mildly negative you say to him will be taking as an attack and further entrench his distrust of mental health support. Far from being something you must do, it is something you must not do. Furthermore, I find myself a bit concerned that you feel the need to help him after you have split up and he has clearly hurt you. Yes, we all have a complex mixture of feelings, but when someone craps on you from a great height you don't attempt to wipe their arse.
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