SadBabyGirl Posted May 23, 2004 Posted May 23, 2004 Hello All, my story is very sad and a bit complicated so please bear with me. I have been in a relationship for the past 2 years with the most wonderful man, the true love of my life. However, i was married before him and had to get a divorce before I could marry my newfound love. The earlier marriage was pretty much a las vegas sham to a best friend of mine and it turned out really that I thought I had done the right thing until my real true love came along. The past two years, we've been thru trial and tribulation, but always seemed to win in the end and stay in eachothers arms. Until this recent incident. You see, when i first moved in with my love, I had a hard time trusting because of what many of my friends and family had done to me in the past. Our relation was so happy, sugar coated and perfect that I felt suspicious that something might go wrong. So unfortunately one day i went snooping thru my man's things and found somethings that made me suspicous and i panicked, although these werent really big deal things. The first thing I did was i jumped on his computer and started chatting to my ex husband thinking he was still my "friend" and I told him EVERYTHING! Little did i know, the chat got archived into the computer and would stay there. That same time my lover found out about the chat, but he didnt want to read further into it because he didnt want us to get hurt. So we talked it out and moved ahead. Then a year later, unfortunately i logged into his messenger and saw some chat buddie names that were just pals of his, and again i started panicking and i chatted to those people and tried to fight with them, and when he found out I did that, again he felt I did not trust him even after he sat me down and we talked, about who the people were and why he was talking to them. This flashed him back to the time when i chatted to my ex. Recently, I flew back home to my family's and i was going to plan our wedding here. Everything was going just fine, until i found out that my man was going to go visit his family overseas. He was gone for a month and we lost all contact...i started to heavily worry. There were no emails, the cell phone number got changed...and his family here kept telling me that he was overseas. Until finally I got suspicious enough again to call his work and find out his whereabouts, and sure enough he was alive and well, just where I felt in my gut instinct he was still at home. So he emailed me that day. He didnt want to hurt me so this story was going on into i read into it. He said that before he took the decision of his life, he read the entire chat history of mine and said he was in a shock about all that I had said to my ex. He said that I said many lies to him about my past and that hE CANNOT live with me after doing that (although i feel really bad for that--I was immature and did all of this without thinking) Plus I didnt care about my Ex ...This man was my world. He said that Basically i Drove him away, i dont love or trust him and he wants to start a new life now..and wants me to move on with my future. So he left me here at my familys and god knows where he is, but he surely doesnt want me to know at this point. I am sick to my stomach now, i cannot eat, im having pinched nerves on my body and I feel sad and suicidal every day. He wont call me, I just email him telling him how sorry I am and how i pray for a second chance for us. He lied to me about leaving, however I lied to him about chatting to my ex. He says there no trust between us anymore. I did trust him because he was the only man i got close to, physically and sexually, I told him Everything but i just didnt tell him about those chats because i was afraid he would get mad at me and leave me that time and not now. Is there any way he can find it in his heart to forgive me? I never hear from him anymore, and its driving me crazy. I know we both did something wrong, but he says love isnt enough for us to have a future together. I cant bear to lose this man, he was too good to me and went to such great lengths to see that I was happy. Thats why i cannot believe he would just dissapear on me like this, even though he knows how much I love him. He was the greatest man i ever knew...And i pray every day that he will forgive me. Thank you for reading my story.
Author SadBabyGirl Posted May 23, 2004 Author Posted May 23, 2004 Everyone is telling me to get over him and move on, but i dont want to...I want to fight for our love because I know he still loves me, he even told me that even we love eachother but its not enough to be together forever in life. What Can i do to prove to this man that there are no limits when it comes to our love, he says there;s too many barriers in the way. I want us to be strong and overcome those barriers! Its driving me crazy, I sleep at nite and Im having dreams of him kissing and hugging me and we are so happy and then I wake up alone...Sometimes I have dreams that He has met a woman to marry that is "qualified" ie. has a good degree, fancy car, etc. etc. and it scares me. I email him every day looking so desperate and I cant stop. I still keep in contact with his parents and they've been kind to me and says they love me and if i need anything to contact them, but they wont clue me in on whats happening to him, they just basically say they dont know whats going on and that he is not contacting them neither. Its a big drama, like that in a movie. Sometimes i feel he has met someone else because of the lack of communication, but that just doesnt seem like him to go and find someone right away after me. Even if he did, I know he wouldnt be happy about it because I know if i were to go find someone else right away, it would hurt me worse because they wouldnt compare to him and I would still feel that im cheating on him somehow and our love. We didnt speak in person either when the relationship ended, he basically said its ended and its better to be unclear about things. Im now at ground zero, I dont have a job, and im staying at home basically driving everyone insane with my talks and analyzations about him. My parents are angry that he said he was gone and acted like he was overseas that time, but I know why he did it, or maybe am making exuses. Just didnt want to have a hurtful ending. I know hes very sensitive because every time we parted for family visits and things he would cry so much and i would cry, we couldnt bear to leave eachother and we feared it was the end. How could he end our relationship so sudden after those horrible chats I had..arent these things forgiveable? After me and him talked about it last year, I felt more confident then ever that he loved me and the trust grew stronger then ever, but he says that its a proof that I didnt trust him!! He also found out recently that i had tried to change his password on ebay, but that wasnt the case. When i saw someone was using his ebay i was scared thinking that someone had hacked into him since he was supposedly overseas and didnt have internet so i told him basically i was shocked when i saw your name there and i thought someone else was using your account but he wouldnt listen to me and said i was lying. Is there any hope for this? I truly want him back and want to work on this relationship if its salvagable! I never looked at any other man these past few years and i still cannot, I would sell my soul just to get him back in my life. I wish he would realize this :-(
Author SadBabyGirl Posted May 23, 2004 Author Posted May 23, 2004 its just such a shock because I feel he wants me to go on in life without him and him without me. Hes already invested into some things that I found out about and its made me feel worse, especially when i linger around the computer looking for him. What should I do, just stop emailing him and let him come to me? Im afraid then he will feel I really dont love him anymore-- Or he will be satisfied that I got over him and moving on. This is really getting to me, I want to be able to get a new job and finish college but I cant because i feel so lonely, and without his love i dont feel strong anymore. Everyone here is like shocked, they said we were a supercouple and a great team and we looked perfect for eachother. I wonder, will he ever try to communicate with me again? Will he miss me if i dissapear? I dont want to play games! I recently got baptized and gained faith and I told him that I want to start a clean slate and be honest and upfront from now on..he thinks i Only did it for him but i ALSO aquired faith for myself because i feel God is all i have in my life right now to protect me and get us thru this..thats why Im asking God to reunite us because everything was so perfect just to end up like this..and if not I want to become strong and try to forget all of this ever happened. That Jim Carrey Movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is kind of what i feel now, i wish i could erase all my memories and start clean because I am so hurt. It was heartbreaking to take his pictures down off of my wall because they were causing me to dream. I even had to hang up his jacket he sent me because i kept waking up with it covering me, with his smell and I want to hug him.... Well thats about all for now, please give any ideas or suggestions,
azgirl Posted May 27, 2004 Posted May 27, 2004 I know you first posted a few days ago. Any new developments?? I'm sorry that you are going through this. I KNOW how much it hurts. Trust me, I do. I love mine more than anything in the world. Anything! And it looks as though I'm losing him and it hurts. Sometimes, I can bury the pain, but then I feel like I'm just in denial or something since we still live together. But, other times, like now I get sad. Hang in there. Coming here and talking really helps.
PlentyLV007 Posted May 28, 2004 Posted May 28, 2004 It's true...coming on here and posting your break up or problem really helps. I've only been on here for a day and it's helped me a lot. Just vent....vent as much as you want. and it will get better.
SadderBabyGirl Posted May 31, 2004 Posted May 31, 2004 Sadly enough, there hasnt been any new developments, it seems to get more bad then better. He changed his phone number and has not called me At All....his father keeps telling me that he too has not heard from him and doesnt know his number but i feel that he is protecting him and its a lie. He tells me that he has moved away and nobody has heard from him..and even his last email told me that he had moved away and few ppl know where he is. I dont buy it because i called his work and didnt talk to him but found out he is still working in the same place. So i figured he should still be living at home and having his dad screen out my calls. I cant believe all that time i believed he was abroad for a month...finally i figured he was still here because his last emails IP matched those of the town we resided in together. I dont understand this at all...his dad sent back all of my things, all of my belongings, my textbooks, my clothes, our pictures..and i thought it was because my man was abroad and couldnt come back into the US..he told me he got deported and couldnt come back for a couple of years..and he never said he was sorry for feeding me this story. His dad was still feeding me the story that he was abroad until I told him I know hes there i called his work and he denies it and says hes not living in the house, both guys are telling me he is not living at home anymore. My man tells me he cant get over me easily and that he still loves me and i was a part of him, but love isnt enough to make our relationship work for a future forever life. I have no idea what is going on over there because Im too far away to see it. I dont know if they are still lying to me because once bitten, twice shy, he made up the story about being deported and I found out he was still here, and now they are telling me hes here but nobody knows where hes at! He changed all passwords to his emails and even nicknames. He said there is no trust between us anymore. What i dont understand is, if Someone LOVES you how can they be this cold? All of these incidents, If i hated someone I would be this cold to them! I wouldnt give them the time of day! His dad is really confusing me, hes leading me on telling me my man loves me and hes sending me money and things. What should I do? I am still in love with this man but my stomach tells me SOMETHING is NOT RIGHT.
Author SadBabyGirl Posted June 1, 2004 Author Posted June 1, 2004 Being that im a Deejay/Music fan i wanted to post my "favorite" sad songs....You know whats strange all? When i first entered into our relationship, although i was madly in love with my man, i felt sad inside and knew that someday there would be an end to it. I felt depressed inside and he caught on to how i was sad looking in the face all the time and it was because i was so in love with him i felt i was going to lose him..so I use to collect and listen to these songs and im listening to them again after he dissapeared from my life..ITS strange and coincidental but I always felt deep down inside that i was going to lose this man..he appeareed so wonderful and perfect to me that it almost made me feel its not going to last. And the funny thing? His favorite songs were these as well as other sad songs as well. It was our commonality :-( 1. Beck - Lost Cause 2. Dido - Here with me 3. Travis - Why does it always rain on me? 4. Coldplay - The Scientist 5. A-HA - Forever not yours 6. A-Ha- Crying in the rain 7. Evanescense - My Immortal 8. Norah Jones - Come Away With Me 9. Josh Grobin - You lift me up 10. Karole Samaha - Etalla Fi (arabic) 11. Eminem - Lose Yourself (especially the beginning part) 12. System of a Down - I dont know how i feel when im around you 13. Lasgo - Without You 14. Kansas - Dust in the Wind 15. Daniel Bedingfield - If you're not the one (theres a really good club mix as well) 16. Celine Dion - All By Myself 17. Mazzy Star - hALAH 18. Nirvana - The man who sold the world 19. Mariah Carey- Cant Live (if livin is without you) 20. Diamond Rio - You're Gone
princess rose Posted June 2, 2004 Posted June 2, 2004 SadGirl: I hate to burst your bubble, but from what you are posting, it's quite clear this man doesn't want contact with you. I think it speaks volumes that you snooped into his e-mail etc, thus causing him to feel he can't trust you. You need to see a counselor to work through why you have such deep-seated trust and obsession issues. Good luck.
Author SadBabyGirl Posted June 4, 2004 Author Posted June 4, 2004 In the beginning, everything seemed so perfect, too perfect perhaps and I was so much in love, i felt all euphoric about everything. He even gave me his passwords at that time because he told me he had nothing to hide. Though he did this, i still felt insecure and i abused that priveledge, I trusted him and loved him with my all, but i was still afraid something would try to take him away from me or someone. And I hate to feel like I practically MADE his happen, like i Pushed him to dump me or abandon me just so I can say, Told ya so...i KNEW you would LEAVE ME! probably because everyone in my past has abandoned me that I loved. I truly thought He would never have left me, he even knew my past situation. I wish he would give me a 2nd chance to explain everything to him and confide in him as to of why I did all of those things..but it doesnt look like its going to happen. What should I do, just back off and move on? I didnt hear from him in over a week ..its really scaring me...AND i feel i cant deal with this again with anyone else because i feel like i KEEP pushing people away and this time, it was with the love of my life.
WomenAreNuts Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 Hmm..that sucks...i would say move on. Reason being if you did get back together no matter how hard you try, the trust issue will come up again. ONe thing though...why in the heck were you chatting about him with your ex husband. I'm a guy, so let me think about this for a second.....if i were in his shoes and discovered that my girlfriend/fiance was talking sh#t about me to her ex i would be very let down/angry/sad/confused/betrayed. That's a tough one sweety..i know where you're coming from right now because i was just recently dumped by a girl that i cared for and loved a lot. I don't know, i constantly have the urge to call my ex, but i know that all that does is make me look desperate. We broke up two months ago, and haven't talked since. Sure i feel sad a few times a day, thinking of how it used to be...that's a part of the coping process. So don't get too down on yourself. There are many good people out there that are looking for love too...keep your head up and your pants on!
WomenAreNuts Posted June 4, 2004 Posted June 4, 2004 one more thing SadBaby, the chat that you and your ex had was not "archived"...your boyfriend/fiance at the time had spy software put in his computer that tracks and logs all internet activity. This is done usually by people who feel that their spouses are cheating etc. etc. What i'm saying is that your man installed software into his computer to track your internet/chat room escapades. Computers don't "archive" chat room discussions...just wanted to let you know, that is if you didn't already.
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