oh dear

[headsashed]

So,this is my 2nd night in my new house,its been pretty ok really,had a few visitors today,friends basically.. Tonight my other friend came for a coffee and he was only here 2 mins and my ex rang my phone,no idea how she got my number btw,she was parked outside and asked who was there and i told her my friend was here,she didnt like it and said she wasnt coming in while anyone was here,i was like erm ok then,im not putting you before my friends.

 

Anyway,about 30 mins later she turned up again,she knew my friend wasnt there as his car had gone,she walked straight in,sat down and basically made herslef at home,wtf,..but me being me just sat there and acted normal,she was moody with me,digging at me about me talkin to other women,hmm,anyway,she stayed bout 30 mins then went,i was gobsmacked,not spoke to her since. why turn up? i cant say anything to anyone without it getting back to her grrrrrr

[geegirl]

Remember your deal with your parents. I don't believe they will be pleased to know she is now coming into your home.

 

Also, if you don't open the door, she can't walk in. You need to start enforcing boundaries. I have a strong feeling, deep down you do want to keep some sort of life line going. I think you like the attention and it gives you a false sense of security that she's still "interested". Her persistence is feeding your hope and your hope is allowing her persistence.

Edited November 13, 2011 by geegirl

[headsashed]

My parents wont be happy at all,but its my life and im an adult,so im old enough to learn. Unless my front door is constantly locked then anyone can walk in,my parents do come alot so i wont lock my door 24/7.. Theres no false sense of hope about her,ive done what i can to move on,icluding moving home... I suppose somewhere deep inside there must be something otherwise i would have kicked her straight out tbh

 

She had a go at me earlier about females friends i have that could come visit me so maybe she was checking up on me,i dunno,all i can say is i feel no different as i did yesterday or the day before,i still feel strong,just goes to show where the real feeling lay?

[fredrickhsalas]

Sounds that you're ex is so desperate on you...think she goes to your home...sounds weird..

[headsashed]

Her dad called me tonight asking if i could look after their dog tonight as all the family will be at their house as its the funeral in the morning,i said yes,anyway,my ex fetched the dog and all the stuff,anyone would think i was having the dog for a month lol. She walked straight in again,put the stuff down,lifted the laptop up and sat at the side of me,then went through my facebook to see whom i had been talking to lol,i let her as i had nothing to hide,maybe i should have told her to get off but like i said,ive nothing to hide anyway,she then gave me a bit of money and said go for a drink if you want,,ofcourse i took it and got her to drop me off at the pub lol. I know its the wrong thing to do but i just feel bad for her and her family right now so i cant just ignore or go off on 1 at her even though i should,but i did say to her the other day that after the funeral it all stops between us,whether she listens is a different story. what made it worse was she did look gorgeous again,grr,but i didnt let it effect me really and i dont feel any different or more hurt at all,think it shows im actually starting to get over her?

[headsashed]

So,yesterday was very eventful for me,my ex rang me to take the dog home so i did,then i went to the pub after for a few drinks and to watch the england game. After bout 30 mins my ex and her family all came into the pub so i went into another room,my ex then came in a gave me a drink and said thats for looking after my dog,then she asked whom i was on the phone to and then said that id only come to the pub because i knew she was going,that confused me as i didnt actually know she was going lol. Anyway i just left it at that and about 30 mins later my old neighbour came in and asked if i wanted to sit with her and the girls,i did,these women were alot older than me but i know them very well anyway,1 girl is a bit younger than me and isnt my type at all.

 

I was having a good laugh and joke through the night and my ex kept staring at me,giving me the evil eyes,i ignored it and continued to enjoy myself. The younger girl asked if i wanted to go outside for a cigerette and i said yes,so we went,then my ex txt me calling me a "prick" hmm,i ignored it and when i went back in i was joking around again and playing pool,ex txt me again saying "get a grip".. I was confused at this point as i was only out enjoying myself.

 

Home time come,i left without saying bye or anything to her but as coincidence the younger girl left at the same time as me,i obviousley went 1 way and she went another,when i got home my ex txt me again saying "bet your busy" lol,i did reply to her and say "i did you a favour by looking after your dog then you accuse me of following you,you call me a prick because i went outside for a smoke,then you told me to get grip for some strange reason. She replied by saying "come to mine i want to talk" so like a drunken idiot i went to hers,we just walked the dogs for like an hour,she told me about the funeral etc then had a dig at me about me sat enjoying myself and it made her feel uncomfortable. She said all her family was talking about me too,but not in a bad way,anyway i just stopped her in her tracks and said "look,its obvious you still love me but all this accusing etc has to stop,we either sort it out or thats it,what i meant by sort it out is this accusing me of things,digging at me when i talk to other girls,but i think she took it another way and she said " i dont know,i need to think,my heads a mess" .. I left it at that really and went home. I stayed strong and think i did the right thing by telling her this has to stop or its nothing at all,she hated the fact that its nothing at all if she doesnt sort it out. Did i do the right thing?

[immitable]

I have to make only one remark, I didn't read every detail but what bothers me is that you are making yourself available to her. Remember, people want what tehy can't have, she is alone probably and needs your attention to feel secure until she finds someone else. She wouldn't have broken up with you if she wanted you and all.

You have to draw a clear line, set the boundaries otherwise it is going to cost you.

 

Just imagine she strings you along, like she does now (she even made herself comfy at your new place and I remember when you said that you hope she doesn't find out about your new address) and then finds another guy and you know-- ít is going to happen all of a sudden just like she broke up with you all of a sudden-- and then she cuts all the ties and she is unavailable to you, what do dou do then???

 

You know being single for girls is lot more difficult than being single for guys and that is the reason she is stringing you along. You have to get away from her and make yourself unavailable asap if you ever want to rekindle, get her back or whatever.

[Berlington Bob]

It sounds like by letting her control you like she is (and she is) you are pretty much getting all the pains of being in a relationship without ANY of the nice things. She wont even let you sit at a pub with other people. And as for walking into your house and looking through your facebook? It's just not healthy... Like another poster said, create some boundries and be specific about them. I get the feeling you think by doing that you will be doing something mean to her or her family. The best thing you can do in my opinion is have as little contact with her as you can. But the control has to stop.

[Rose_Petal]

You know being single for girls is lot more difficult than being single for guys and that is the reason she is stringing you along. You have to get away from her and make yourself unavailable asap if you ever want to rekindle, get her back or whatever.

 

I would have to disagree with you about it being more difficult for girls to be single then for guys. From my experience, almost every guy I know that had a break up found another girl in a very short ammount of time, including my own ex. From my perspective this means that they can't be dealing very well with being alone if they feel the need to rebound. Finding someone else would just put aside their hurt, withought them actually facing what went wrong in the relationship and taking the time to accept it (hurtful process lol), deal with it, and move on. To me it just seems like more of a distraction and an ego booster if I guy rebouds with another girl...This said maybe it's easier for a guy to be single in the sense that they can distract themselves better and run less on emotions (girls can't help it, blame it on the hormones ) But it doesn't mean it's easier for guys. Girls just have a more analytical mind I think so they go through every detail and it can be hurtful. I'm going through that now and although the comfort of a guy sounds good I have no need to go out and chase men around. I'm ok with being single, I'm learning a little more about myself. However, I'm not saying that girls son't rebound...I just haven't witnessed that personally.

 

again this is only from my experience and maybe as a guy you have a different perspective on this feel free to comment because as a girl I'm not sure what goes on in your minds, guys

 

However, Headsashe, I do agree that you should set boundaries. This girl actually does seem to have issues with being single (but like mentioned above, I don't think it has anything to do with her being a girl ) and what she's doing is out of line. She broke up with you so she has no right to string you along. It's manipulating. Her family should back off too. Im sure they had other people they could have asked to look after their dog...they seem like they're interfeering where the shouldn't. You are no longer together so they have they're lives and you have yours. She made the decision of letting you go and she should do so in every way. If she doesn't want you, then make sure she knows she can't have you. You deserve better. I find her behaviour very disrespectful and somewhat immature. Tell her to live my her decisions and all that jelousy and stalking stuff if wayyyy out of line. She should in no way make you feel bad for having a good time and haning out with your friends our girls. She's the one who broke up with you for crying out loud...she told you to get out of her life yet she's not letting you...she doesn't know what she wanted but make sure you let her know what you want. Put yourself first and don't take into consideration what she thinks or how she feels because, like I said she broke up with you and you owe nothing to her.

 

Hope this helps...and you seem to be handling this pretty well. I think I'd break down of my ex came to my house and did those things because I know I'd be vulnerable and start hoping that he wanted be back Still healing...hopefully that won't be an issue soon. But he has a girlfriend anyway.

[immitable]

I would have to disagree with you about it being more difficult for girls to be single then for guys. From my experience, almost every guy I know that had a break up found another girl in a very short ammount of time, including my own ex. From my perspective this means that they can't be dealing very well with being alone if they feel the need to rebound. Finding someone else would just put aside their hurt, withought them actually facing what went wrong in the relationship and taking the time to accept it (hurtful process lol), deal with it, and move on. To me it just seems like more of a distraction and an ego booster if I guy rebouds with another girl...This said maybe it's easier for a guy to be single in the sense that they can distract themselves better and run less on emotions (girls can't help it, blame it on the hormones ) But it doesn't mean it's easier for guys. Girls just have a more analytical mind I think so they go through every detail and it can be hurtful. I'm going through that now and although the comfort of a guy sounds good I have no need to go out and chase men around. I'm ok with being single, I'm learning a little more about myself. However, I'm not saying that girls son't rebound...I just haven't witnessed that personally.

 

again this is only from my experience and maybe as a guy you have a different perspective on this feel free to comment because as a girl I'm not sure what goes on in your minds, guys

You are absolutely right in your comment, I was only referring to headsashed's gf in terms of her not being able to let go of his support until she finds someone else. Like she needs the security but knows deep down she doesn't want him. Sorry to say that headsashed.

 

In regards to your problem, don't mean to hijack headsashed's thread but I think it is the same with guys/girls, he probably disconnected long time ago or wasn't even sure when he started a relationship with you. Dunno, if I was in your shoes I would work on myself and make sure I look/feel good and not worry too much. You can't make someone love you but you can make someone regret their decision if you love yourself a little more.

[headsashed]

I believe im handling it pretty well,i dont feel nothing near as bad as i used to,i no longer have the urge to contact her either,but as someone above said,i have 1 issue,im not setting my boundries with her and i should. She still thinks she can walk in and out of my life as she pleases and im letting her,even though im not doing it intentionally,im literally trying to move on with my life. What got me mad was the fact i did the family a favour and she accuses me other following her,wtf lol. As far as i know she is supposed to be coming to my house today to pick the rest of the stuff up for the dog, theres too much for me to carry to hers,ive not heard from her all day so i dont know if she will come or not,,if she doesnt then ill just bin the dog stuff.

 

As for rebounding,well im defo not the type to rebound,id rather just wait until all this hurt has gone before i try dating again,ive already rejected 1 offer to take a girl out because im still inlove with that immature,manipulative person lol.

[M2155]

Walking in your house, looking at your FB, reponding to texts having to explain why you are in the company of other women....none of that sounds enjoyable at all. I don't think you will ever have a happy relationship together at this point. She is very confused and showing you a very insecure side of herself. I would do whatever you need to do to detach her, she's too comfortable contacting you whenver she feels. Definitely put up some boundaries

[headsashed]

Walking in your house, looking at your FB, reponding to texts having to explain why you are in the company of other women....none of that sounds enjoyable at all. I don't think you will ever have a happy relationship together at this point. She is very confused and showing you a very insecure side of herself. I would do whatever you need to do to detach her, she's too comfortable contacting you whenver she feels. Definitely put up some boundaries

 

i think u just hit the nail on the head,shes confused and insecure. I think ive done everything right apart from the boundries,which now i need to set,i just dont know how to,any ideas what i can say or do to set these boundries?

[immitable]

i think u just hit the nail on the head,shes confused and insecure. I think ive done everything right apart from the boundries,which now i need to set,i just dont know how to,any ideas what i can say or do to set these boundries?

 

 

First step go NC for a while, you vanish completely, don't answer the phone, don't open your door when she's there, no fb, no picking up dog stuff from your place, no nothing, if you see her in a public place you ignore her completely don't talk to her.

You do this until she comes to her senses and apologizes and wants you back. The ball is in her court and she has to make that sincere move if she thinks she wants you back if not it is her loss man and you can finally move on.

[Rose_Petal]

I believe im handling it pretty well,i dont feel nothing near as bad as i used to,i no longer have the urge to contact her either,but as someone above said,i have 1 issue,im not setting my boundries with her and i should. She still thinks she can walk in and out of my life as she pleases and im letting her,even though im not doing it intentionally,im literally trying to move on with my life. What got me mad was the fact i did the family a favour and she accuses me other following her,wtf lol. As far as i know she is supposed to be coming to my house today to pick the rest of the stuff up for the dog, theres too much for me to carry to hers,ive not heard from her all day so i dont know if she will come or not,,if she doesnt then ill just bin the dog stuff.

 

As for rebounding,well im defo not the type to rebound,id rather just wait until all this hurt has gone before i try dating again,ive already rejected 1 offer to take a girl out because im still inlove with that immature,manipulative person lol.

 

Yeah I noticed you weren't a rebounder Good for you and you're doing exacly the right thing Though, as you mentioned, you do have to set boundaries Don't let her walk all over you It's nice to see a guy who isin't all like "**** her, she's crazy and I'm never going to talk to her again because I don't give a crap about her and she's heartless" but at the same time it's okay to set boundaries in a respectful way

 

You are absolutely right in your comment, I was only referring to headsashed's gf in terms of her not being able to let go of his support until she finds someone else. Like she needs the security but knows deep down she doesn't want him. Sorry to say that headsashed.

 

In regards to your problem, don't mean to hijack headsashed's thread but I think it is the same with guys/girls, he probably disconnected long time ago or wasn't even sure when he started a relationship with you. Dunno, if I was in your shoes I would work on myself and make sure I look/feel good and not worry too much. You can't make someone love you but you can make someone regret their decision if you love yourself a little more.

 

 

Actually he was really sure when he started a relationshop with me. He was the one who wanted to get serious really fast and talked about having kids together, marriage, growing old together, swore he would never dream of leaving me because he couldn't live withought me...and I think he partly broke up with me because his parents encouraged him too (did nothing bad to em they just didn't like a strong woman that doesn't take crap and that has ambition...they acted like we were in the 50's and women had to clean the house, have kids and listen to their husband) and I gave him an ultimatum...he had HUGE issues with his parents and they were awful to me so I told him either he deals with them, or I just don't anymore. And that was it So I would assume he wasn't really that detached...I would hope he was suffering somewhat from losing me...life is so unfair

Yup, concentrating on me

[geegirl]

Pretend you have a mental wall around you. A fence of some sort. She can't see you from the other side. You're setting your boundaries. You just disappear. But if you feel you can't just vanish without saying something, because if you just vanish, she may double dose stalk you, then tell her that you have to go on NC and that you need to detach and she has to respect your decision since you both are not in an R anymore. Then vanish. Lock doors. No texting. No dog walking where she might be. No taking care of her family. Nothing. If she still comes around after being given "notice", then you won't feel bad for ignoring her because she knows the deal. That will keep you on your path.

 

You feel "strong" now because she is in the picture. It is a false sense of security. Please don't fool yourself into thinking that you are getting stronger. Getting stronger would be being able to enforce your boundaries because you want to move on. This is the opposite. Allowing her to bust your boundaries is a sign to her that she is still in control. Take it back.

Edited November 16, 2011 by geegirl

[headsashed]

Well she came,walked straight in yet again,sat at the side of me,lit 1 of my cigs up,went on the laptop and went through my facebook,then grabbed my phone,looked through all my txts and even my phone book,i let her because i knew i was going to say things.

 

I said to her that we need to finish off what we started last night,she said she doesnt want to talk about it and leave things as they are,i told her no because i dont want to be accused of things,dug at when i talk to other women etc,she basically said just ignore her then,i wasnt finished,so i said to her that if she doesnt want to talk and sort this crap out then it all ends here. She still didnt want to talk then she left.

 

She txt me about 30 mins later but i ignored it,then she txt again saying i take it your ignoring me then. i ignored again,about 20 mins ago she rang me but off another number,strange,but i answered,obviousley not knowing it was her,she started moaning at me about things,saying im moving on quickly etc then she said im asking things at the wrong time blah blah,then she said shes going cos she doesnt want to argue,so i just said ok,if you dont want to talk about this crap then thats it,i wont talk to you and i dont want you coming to mine,she didnt say anything,just put phone down.

 

I still have her laptop which im using now lol so when my own internet gets connected tomorrow im going to take it back to hers but when shes at work. Atleast now ive told her and now i just have to stick to it.

[maxy1]

this just isn't right, man. you need to cut her off completely. it sounds like you are turning her into a basketcase. it isn't your fault she is insecure, but you are definitely enabling her. she needs to be unable to see or get hold of you. keep your door locked, it really isn't that hard to go open the door for someone when they knock/ring your doorbell.

[headsashed]

Ive not been online for a few days so i thought id update you all a little,well theres not much to say tbh lol,my ex has still contacted me since i told her to leave me alone etc,she even asked to come for food the other night,hmm,she also hacked my facebook and read my messages,oh dear lol. There wasnt anything bad in them really,its just i have spoke to other girls which she didnt like. Now onto last night,i went into town with my friends,wow i was so drunk but i loved it,i didnt go out to try get another woman,infact i didnt even look at any,im not interested yet.

 

2am i got home and while having my coffee i went on facebook to find a message off this girl i went to school with,now this girl was in the 1st place i went to last night,anyway,she gave me her friends number whom she was out with so i txt her,they both came to my new house for a drink until 4am,oops. So obviousley not knowing my ex had already hacked my facebook she txt me asking whos number it was and asking who i was with,i ignored ofcourse. She txt again today asking the same question so i turned my phone off for a while,tonight she came and asked for her laptop back and also wanted a coffee lol,i told her she could take it whenever she wanted but she hasnt took it,suppose its because she was on her way to work. Then she said something which actually tickled me,she said ive changed,i asked how and she said its because i go out enjoying myself all the time now and im even dancing in the nightclub..hmm,isnt that what enjoying myself is all about? i asked if it wasa good thing and she said she doesnt know lol. Atleast im still trying to live my life but my boundries still need setting,well ive set them but she breaks them and im still letting her. Something inside me is letting this happen and i dont know why,ive been strong for weeks now but theres just this 1 little thing left and i know she's going to pull me back down sooner rather than later,im sure of it.