Lucid1 Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 http://www.esquire.com/features/marriage-guide/divorce-for-men-0511 This guy has an excellent article about divorce depression in the November issue of Esquire magazine too. Helps to know we're not suffering this alone. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 Most of us, at least the men of my generation, suffer divorce alone and in silence. We may be out and about and seemingly engaged in society but that box within which the pain and grief of divorce resides is one we generally only pull out when alone. Having been single so long, I got a chance to experience the divorces of good number of friends from a perspective of not being married. Each was different but the common theme was go a little wild and put on a good face and it'll pass. From the article: "You wish you could tell your story from beginning to end. You wish you could once and finally be heard and understood. You know that will never happen" Yup, pretty much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucid1 Posted November 13, 2011 Author Share Posted November 13, 2011 Carhill, That's one of the cool things about this forum, it does give us a chance to be heard. I don't know who started it but I'm grateful they did. This is the last sentence in the article: "But you can't help telling yourself: Maybe someday I'll find someone who will." Do you think we really are doomed to "chase poontang" forever? Is it impossible to be really deeply happy and be alone? As humans, are we so dependent on companionship? When I put it that way, I think I know the answer. Long term, yes, we are. It's probably possible for some people to be alone and be truly happy, but I for one don't fall in that group. Catch that Esquire article if you can, I liked it. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 13, 2011 Share Posted November 13, 2011 I enjoy the company of people, no doubt. My circle of friends is proof of that. A necessary constant companion? Other than the drive to procreate and replicate and mold a young mind, nah, not really. Since my time for that has now passed, I really don't see a need for a constant companion. Perhaps that's a function of past companion dynamics and my analysis of my own role in those dynamics. We each desire, if we do, companions for our own reasons and from our own unique psychology. I recall saying once to a MW who thought my actions of empathy and care were fake and unnecessary, that 'I think I'll move on to someone else who appreciates that more', and I did, ultimately with that person being myself. In that process I can see the clear differences in psychology between taking from a companion and giving to a companion. If one's psychology is primarily as a taker, then the absence of a companion could be seen as a dearth, a hole, something missing, that being the care and love and generosity of another. If one is primarily a giver, the lack of a companion is definitely a dearth of someone to give to, but is that the same dearth and does it affect one the same way? Unknown. I know I've always been comfortable being alone and enjoy thoroughly the interactions and giving which mark those interactions. Do I take as well? Yes, I believe so, but the taking is not a marked aspect of, rather incidental to the dynamic in my psychology so, if it is missing, I don't feel an emptiness or lack. I miss the enjoyment of giving a little, yeah, but don't miss the taking at all. I'm flying next week so maybe they'll have the Esquire on the plane. I haven't subscribed to magazines in many years and don't really see them out here. On that topic, divorce depression, I'd say I felt a bit of it, especially since my mom died last year about two months before my D was final, but it was largely gone by early this year and I've since felt happier and more at peace than in decades. About the only time the old hurts surface is when I'm here on LS. I call that 'picking at the scab', a test to see whether and how much I've moved on. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 http://www.esquire.com/features/marriage-guide/divorce-for-men-0511 This guy has an excellent article about divorce depression in the November issue of Esquire magazine too. Helps to know we're not suffering this alone. I wanted to cry after reading that. Just...wow. Hits the nail on the head. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I wanted to cry after reading that. Just...wow. Hits the nail on the head. Yep, I could've totally written that article. Brutal. Link to post Share on other sites
nu464 Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Are there are any divorced men here who have custody of their children? I was just wondering how difficult it was for you to get custody, do you receive child support from the mother, is she in the children's lives at all, etc.?? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Are there are any divorced men here who have custody of their children? I was just wondering how difficult it was for you to get custody, do you receive child support from the mother, is she in the children's lives at all, etc.?? This is probably worthy of its own thread, instead of tacking it onto the end of another thread - you'll get a lot more people who will see your topic that way... Link to post Share on other sites
speedster Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 As soon as I discovered the infidelities I found a therapist and began seeing her twice a week. that was 6 months ago and guess what? I still see her twice a week. It's totally worth it. I got to tell my story, felt validated, and she helped me work through issues I didn't even know I had. She helped me during the divorce and settlement proceedings and luckily, somehow, we settled vs going to court. Not having kids helped, but my having a substantial savings was the area of contention. and yes, I discovered the woman I had known for 10 years was not the woman I thought I knew. Makes you question your judgement. Great article. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucid1 Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 Carhill, Nice. You put it in perspective well. Maybe my concern about being alone is more from habit than from actual need. I'll have to think about that. "I can see the clear differences in psychology between taking from a companion and giving to a companion." I do know one thing, what made me happy was giving to her. That is something I'll have to think about as well. Do I really need that to be happy myself? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
CM2009 Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Wow this was deep on so many levels, some of this stuff has went through my head..... Link to post Share on other sites
rob_h Posted December 7, 2011 Share Posted December 7, 2011 As soon as I discovered the infidelities I found a therapist and began seeing her twice a week. that was 6 months ago and guess what? I still see her twice a week. It's totally worth it. I got to tell my story, felt validated, and she helped me work through issues I didn't even know I had. She helped me during the divorce and settlement proceedings and luckily, somehow, we settled vs going to court. Not having kids helped, but my having a substantial savings was the area of contention. and yes, I discovered the woman I had known for 10 years was not the woman I thought I knew. Makes you question your judgement. Great article. You sound like you went through exactly what I'm going through. Would you be kind enough to offer any words of wisdom you have found during your healing. Mine left me 6 weeks ago, I won't give full details as it will take a week for you to read but she had an affair 2 years ago I took her back and 6 weeks ago I returned home to find them in my bed together. They walked past me together hand in hand after I left the house to sit outside and cry, the very next day she quit her job left her family and moved away with him. I have since found debts and unpaid bills that you wouldn't believe. The woman I have loved deeply for 10 years didn't actually exist. I still love her but don't understand how I can! Link to post Share on other sites
Outdoorbum1428 Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 You sound like you went through exactly what I'm going through. Would you be kind enough to offer any words of wisdom you have found during your healing. Mine left me 6 weeks ago, I won't give full details as it will take a week for you to read but she had an affair 2 years ago I took her back and 6 weeks ago I returned home to find them in my bed together. They walked past me together hand in hand after I left the house to sit outside and cry, the very next day she quit her job left her family and moved away with him. I have since found debts and unpaid bills that you wouldn't believe. The woman I have loved deeply for 10 years didn't actually exist. I still love her but don't understand how I can! Its a day by day endeavor. My situation was very similar. First off, she doesn't love you so you have to kill those feelings you have for her. Try to spend 5 minutes each day not thinking about your situation...whether its wondering what that road construction is all about, to talking with an old friend about an unrelated topic. Then increase that to 10 minutes, 30 minutes, etc. It will TAKE TIME, but eventually you will find yourself not obsessing about it every second. You're probably not sleeping, so get up before the sun rises and drink a cup of coffee and watch it come up if you can. There is something about a new morning that erases some of those long, lonely nights. Link to post Share on other sites
YellowShark Posted December 18, 2011 Share Posted December 18, 2011 You sound like you went through exactly what I'm going through. Would you be kind enough to offer any words of wisdom you have found during your healing. Mine left me 6 weeks ago, I won't give full details as it will take a week for you to read but she had an affair 2 years ago I took her back and 6 weeks ago I returned home to find them in my bed together. They walked past me together hand in hand after I left the house to sit outside and cry, the very next day she quit her job left her family and moved away with him. I have since found debts and unpaid bills that you wouldn't believe. The woman I have loved deeply for 10 years didn't actually exist. I still love her but don't understand how I can! You love who you thought she was. Not who she is. Now that you now who she is, time to blackhole those current incorrect feelings. Disconnect from your fantasy about her and get on with YOUR life. She tricked you, happens to the best of us... so it's really time to let go, and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Shane Jimison Posted January 23, 2012 Share Posted January 23, 2012 I like article for Divorce Men. Thanks for link as I was for such stuff for a long on internet. Link to post Share on other sites
Soxfaninfl Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Wow this article was right on with my situation. It's sucks being divorced! Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 It sucks getting divorced and, while it's certainly not what I ever wanted or ever imagined, being divorced has it's advantages. It's easy to get mired in the bad, to dwell on the past and to stagnate emotionally, but remember, YOU are in control of your happiness. In order to move on, in order to move yourself to a better place emotionally, you have to focus on your future and work on building the life YOU want to live and do what makes YOU happy. This article was right on, but, there's another article that can be written about the possibilities that are now presented by having your marriage end. Life is an incredible adventure...it is what you make it... Link to post Share on other sites
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