Issues with my girlfriend's new lifestyle

[colyum]

Hey, its my first post here and I was just wondering if someone could give me their opinion my situation as I would really appreciate it sorry for the long story but I think i need to get the context right.

 

So basically my girlfriend and I met at university which I have since finished and had to move back home which is like a 10 hour drive and boat trip away. Everything was absolutely brilliant when we were together before the long distance and it was even great after for several months. However a few weeks ago my girlfriend started getting really withdrawn from me, she didn't talk to me as much and even when we did talk on Skype or whatever she seem distracted and just disinterested. I brought this up in conversation and she confessed that she had been feeling kinda depressed lately and apathetic about everything. I totally understood this and even took steps to help her, I sent her roses with a card and chocolates to surprise her one day and another present the next. I even started helping her cope with buying her shopping and stuff like that to take the stress off that ( because most students are poor, especially her since her parents don't help with anything other than rent )

 

Anyway she continued being like this for awhile and I suggested going to see someone ( A doctor or whatever ) because she wasn't coping well and she agreed. Around about the same time she started talking more and more about a group of friends who she meets up with all the time to drink with and started going out with them more and started getting stoned with 2 of them and eventually stopped coming home at night when she did go out with these 2 saying she slept on the couch cause she didn't want to walk home alone which I didn't particularly like considering she sometimes mentions how several people in that particular friends group sleaze on her a lot and would happily sleep with her and she with them if she wasn't with me.

Within 2 weeks of this starting she has started getting drunk at least 2 nights a week and getting stoned and staying over at least once on top of that which really started causing stress on our relationship because when she does this she doesnt keep in contact with me which kinda makes me worry. This coupled with her being moody and in general just not really communicating with me when we talk over skype ( she just sits on facebook and talks to different people when we are on video chat and i end up having to repeat everything i say cause she doesnt listen, then blames it on me cause im "mumbling", if i nag her about it i can get her to listen but then she gets moody and usually ends up in tears )

 

It all kinda came to a boil yesterday when she said she wouldnt be able to talk to me tomorrow because she was going to a parade with her friends and drinking/smoking afterwards and would not be home at all that day which is was fine even if i didnt like it i dont control who she hangs out with. She then showed me what she was wearing for this parade and meeting up with her friends ( mentioned previously), I said she looked great etc which she did but she told me she was gonna wear some very provocative underwear and thigh high stockings with suspenders under her knee length dress ( she had gotten these for the bedroom ) and when I asked why she was wearing them she just said " No one will see so what does it matter " which kinda struck me as odd and made me pretty damn paranoid since it really doesnt make sense to wear the kinda thing if no one is gonna see it. This started an arguement during which i found out she hadnt made a doctors appointment at all ( In almost 3 weeks ) and that she planned on make these stoner outings a regular thing even though i had mentioned that weed can exasperate her depression especially if its a regular thing.

 

Again sorry for the long story, but for the last few weeks and this week especially ive been feeling less and less like her boyfriend and getting more and more worried about her staying out all the time with these people. Ive had several talks with her about it during which she has agreed shes treated me badly and will try harder and understands where im coming from but after which she just continues doing what pleases her regardless of what it does to me and when i mention this she just keeps repeating that shes going through a bad time and having a hard time with long distance after which i said that im gonna come visit her for a few days tomorrow because she sounded really upset about the long distance comment, she however said that i cant visit cause shes too busy with university work this week so I shouldnt come because its a bad time.

I then tried to organise my visit for the next week which she declined again because she has an essay due on that thursday and has a night out with her friends that she wants to go to at which point i got very angry and hung up with her, awhile after this she had organised another night out via facebook during which she was apparently supposed to be doing university work. This made me very angry so i phoned her and had a go at her for it and told her we need to talk, she said she was too tired ( to be fair it was 3 am but i knew she would be up ) and that she needed some time to think and we would talk tomorrow.

Now it is tomorrow and shes at the parade with her friends, I text her asking her what she would be back and she said she probably wont be so i phoned her up to say " what the hell? " during the phonecall she said she might be home and told me not to be upset asked if i was ok and told me that she loves me but then got annoyed that i was annoyed and just hung up on me with a " fine then! "

 

In general I just feel like im being used big time here but I dont know if im justified in thinking that ? I mean this is a girl who says she loves me and i mean the world to her and that im the best boyfriend shes ever had. Maybe im just being really needy and paranoid so i dont know.

 

Any advice would be very greatly appreciated

thanks

[lordWilhelm]

colyum, this situation really sucks. From what you describe she is basically checking out of the relationship/has already checked out and all your attempts to re-connect with her are being re-buffed. Right now, she's seeing you as the "police" and a "killjoy" and she's basically shutting you out.

 

In my opinion, you've already tried to do as much as you can for her and the relationship. Now it's her turn. You need to start putting some distance and focusing on yourself; if she doesn't realize what she's been doing is putting a death knell to the relationship and doesn't try to re-connect with you, then you'll know that she's too far gone in her current party stage and you'll be better off without her. And even if she does make an effort to rekindle the relationship, she had better give you reason to believe that she's completely reformed -- some of the things she said and done seem very questionable to me.

 

Bottom line: time to stop investing emotionally in the relationship, and put that energy into something productive for yourself. Don't call her, don't ask her to video skype, don't start texting her, and don't write emails that she's not answering. Take up some hobby, play some sports, and keep yourself in a positive frame of mind.

Edited November 13, 2011 by lordWilhelm

[colyum]

Yea it definitely does suck, and I do care about her a lot but I guess you are right as hard as it is to admit to myself.

I have tried hammering it into her again and again that it wasn't good.

Do you think I should just offer her an ultimatum? Something along the lines of "if your serious about us get a grip on yourself or we're done" or should I just cut contact and see what happens do you think ?

I could always show her what is written on this post to get her head out of the clouds, maybe it would bring her down to reality or maybe it's too cruel.

 

Thanks for the advice by the way, I do appreciate it. She doesnt like me talking to my parents about this stuff and my friends aren't really good people for giving advice about this kinda thing.

[norajane]

You can't fix her. You can't save her. You don't have that kind of power. SHE has to decide she wants to do the hard work to take care of herself. And she doesn't want to at this point, so you are just being a nuisance (in her eyes).

 

Time to get on with your own life. Chasing after a depressed person who is self-medicating through alcohol and pot is a loser's game and will only make you miserable. The only thing you can do is focus on yourself and your own well-being. Time to cut ties, and tell her why you are doing so. Some people need to hit bottom before they decide to do anything to save themselves.

[lordWilhelm]

Sure you can give her an ultimatum, but the problem is what if she says yes and doesn't do anything about it. She's already done that to you.

 

I'm not saying that you should cut off all contact and/or break up with her. Although, that is a distinct possibility that you need to accept in your mind and be comfortable with it; but either way you need to stop chasing after her while she's living the party lifestyle. The problem for you is that right now you are way too focused on what she's doing -- is she going out tonight, or is she drinking herself onto someone else's couch? Those are her choices and you can't change them for her, so instead worry about what you can do for yourself.

Edited November 17, 2011 by lordWilhelm

[Million.to.1]

Seems to me you are always the one contacting her. Just leave it. Let her contact you.

 

Don't give her an ultimatum. Just take a step back yourself. I agree that it sounds like she has checked out already. Check out yourself. Stop chasing.

 

She says you are the best boyfriend she has ever had, but doesn't sound like she appreciates you at all. Back off and let her realise what she is missing. And if she doesn't well, it's her loss, and you did all you could.