Cheater looking for a solution

[Mr_Confused]

I am having an affair.

 

It started as perhaps a poor method to deal with my sexless marriage (and by sexless I mean ZERO sex going on year 5).

 

I thought perhaps if I had a sexual outlet I could remain in the marriage and stay a full time parent and continue to improve our finances.

 

Oh.....but it has proven itself no solution at all.

 

My wife has since discovered the affair. She was not terribly shocked, claims she understands why and doesn't fault me. She now thinks we can "fix" all out problems and find intimacy again. Unfortunately I question he motives. I think she wants to remain comfortable, enjoy my income, and not deal with change. I have also developed feelings for the OW and more importantly lost desire and feelings for my wife during this long period of no intimacy. We have not shared feelings, touched, kissed passionately for years and the love that is left is more of a sibling love than that of a marriage.

 

I don't know what to do.... Most of me wants to leave and find love elsewhere but fear cripples me from moving forward.

 

It's been months since my wife discovered the affair, we don't discuss it and it has not ended, we just continue to co-exist like amicable roommates.

 

What would you do?

[sad puppy]

Fear is not a good place to make decisions from. Do you have kids? How long married? Do you think your life overall would be satisfactory to remain in a sexless marriage? Take your pick - roommate marriage or moving on to an unknown life with potential for a well rounded relationship.

[bentnotbroken]

Dump you in a heartbeat. But since she didn't do that... maybe you two should discuss what is next.

[Mr_Confused]

I've been married 17 years. Daughter 14 years old. We are financially stable now and in good shape.

 

To the previous poster.

 

Yes, she could have left me upon discovery of the affair. I don't think she did because she recognizes to hold me accountable to monogamy when we share nothing sexual is somewhat unrealistic.

 

I could have left her years ago after countless months of no affection. Neither happened, so here we are.

 

We both has made numerous mistakes and we are mature enough not to sit around assessing blame or finding fault. We recognize and "own" our decisions and the consequences. We are just trying to assess what others would do.

 

I am in IC, she refuses any counseling other than couples. I told her I viewed it as useless unless our goal was to reconcile which I was not sure was my goal at this point in time. I told her leaving was as hard to imagine as staying or finding fulfillment in this marriage.

[sad puppy]

Sounds like you are both being reasonable, so that's good. She sounds like she's fairly content with the situation, overall. I agree MC is useful primarily to save/rebuild the marriage, however some have used it to help create an amiable parting. Money is solid, daughter is older - all good.

 

 

So, you will need to work in your IC to determine how you would like to live your remaining years on this planet. In the words of Helen Keller, "life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all".

[heartinlove]

I've been married 17 years. Daughter 14 years old. We are financially stable now and in good shape.

 

To the previous poster.

 

Yes, she could have left me upon discovery of the affair. I don't think she did because she recognizes to hold me accountable to monogamy when we share nothing sexual is somewhat unrealistic.

 

I could have left her years ago after countless months of no affection. Neither happened, so here we are.

 

We both has made numerous mistakes and we are mature enough not to sit around assessing blame or finding fault. We recognize and "own" our decisions and the consequences. We are just trying to assess what others would do.

 

I am in IC, she refuses any counseling other than couples. I told her I viewed it as useless unless our goal was to reconcile which I was not sure was my goal at this point in time. I told her leaving was as hard to imagine as staying or finding fulfillment in this marriage.

 

Im not quite getting it. Why is leaving so hard to imagine with the scenario you described of zero passion and just a roommate situation and not being able to imagine being fulfilled in the marriage. Why is it so hard to imagine leaving that? Where is the courage to live a full life? Why do you value the known so highly when its so clearly unfulfilling.

[Mircea]

I've been married 17 years. Daughter 14 years old. We are financially stable now and in good shape.

 

To the previous poster.

 

Yes, she could have left me upon discovery of the affair. I don't think she did because she recognizes to hold me accountable to monogamy when we share nothing sexual is somewhat unrealistic.

 

I could have left her years ago after countless months of no affection. Neither happened, so here we are.

 

We both has made numerous mistakes and we are mature enough not to sit around assessing blame or finding fault. We recognize and "own" our decisions and the consequences. We are just trying to assess what others would do.

 

I am in IC, she refuses any counseling other than couples. I told her I viewed it as useless unless our goal was to reconcile which I was not sure was my goal at this point in time. I told her leaving was as hard to imagine as staying or finding fulfillment in this marriage.

 

The question is ... what is her sexual outlet ?

 

Women are more sexual than men generally (their part of the brain that deals with imagination is 3 times ours), so she could be satisfying her own needs, or she could have someone else satisfy them for her, and is comfortable with having you as the breadwinner ... this could explain why she didn't explode when she found your affair.

 

Does your wife have lots of romance novels ?

Try to count them.

 

Also, how much do you make / yr compared to her (i am assuming she works at least part-time) ?

[sad puppy]

Im not quite getting it. Why is leaving so hard to imagine with the scenario you described of zero passion and just a roommate situation and not being able to imagine being fulfilled in the marriage. Why is it so hard to imagine leaving that? Where is the courage to live a full life? Why do you value the known so highly when its so clearly unfulfilling.

 

Good point, that is what I had to reread too, the "not being able to imagine leaving" part. Maybe Mr. Confused is also quite content with the "roommate marriage", overall. Then it just boils down to one thing - sex in your life. Do you want it - yes or no? Doesn't sound like much is gonna change with your wife, although she may have said/promised that it would change. Additionally, is this your first affair? How long has this current affair been going on and if you were to leave, would you be continuing to be with your affair partner or is this a temporary relationship? All these variables come into play. Sometimes people (wife or affair partner) are good for a fixed amount of time in our lives and sometimes we do meet or are married to the real "love of our lives". Your heart and intuition should tell you what's up with your situation.

 

Seems to be a difficult question for some people. You are weighing various issues, some easy to figure out, some more difficult. I bet you know what you want to do. Joseph Campbell - "follow your bliss".

[oldshirt]

I am having an affair.

 

She now thinks we can "fix" all out problems and find intimacy again.

 

 

 

 

How does she propose you "fix" all your problems and find intimacy again?

 

A better question is what ACTIONS has she taken to fix the issues and reestablish intimacy??

 

 

Hmmm?

 

 

We're still waiting?

 

 

 

(crickets chirping in the background)

 

 

There's your sign.

[carhill]

OP, welcome to LS

 

Have you identified and enumerated your specific fears in IC? In yes, share them here. If no, make that job #1.

 

I personally would always leave the MC door open. I wouldn't push it but rather approach it as 'I'm in counseling working on myself and I am willing to join you in MC if and when you want that'.

 

How have you approached your infidelity with your IC and how has s/he tasked you?

[oldshirt]

I think she wants to remain comfortable, enjoy my income, and not deal with change.

 

And why shouldn't she? You have rolled out that red carpet for the last 5 years. She's had it made. She gets to live her comfortable celibate life while you have had to go out foraging for love and turn yourself into an adulterer while she gets to live the life for free.

 

Now that you found your "outlet" she doesn't even have to put up with you whining and begging anymore.

 

You've been used. You've turned yourself into an adulterer. You had to go out into the street to forage for human contact. All the while she gets to have her home and family provided without having to pay any dues.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

I don't know what to do.... Most of me wants to leave and find love elsewhere but fear cripples me from moving forward.

 

 

Decisions made on fear and actions taken because of fear or rarely if ever the right ones.

 

IMHO you are already living what I fear most. To me you are already at rock bottom. What more CAN you fear? How can it get worse?

 

What would be worse than living in a dead, sexless, passionless, loveless marriage with a woman that is a parasite living off of your hard earned resources and providing nothing in return?

 

Oh she takes care of the 14 year old? 14 years old can fix their own meals, feed themselves, dress themselves, get themselves to school, go to the bathroom and wipe their own @$$ and clean their own rooms. I'm betting your wife is costing you a lot more than an adult babysitter would.

 

 

You aren't afraid of a dead marriage. You aren't afraid of celibacy or being alone, you are those things now. You are afraid of living.

[KathyM]

Before making any decisions either way, seek marriage counseling together with your wife. She has expressed an interest in going to couple's counseling. Take this opportunity to do that. I know a couple, married long time, who went through a similar thing than you. Marital problems, and the wife refused sex because of that. They separated, the husband sought other women after the separation, but they still decided, after a period of separation, that they had invested too much time in the relationship to let it go, and they wanted to keep their family together, so they went to MC after 7 months of separation and now their marriage is back on track, their sex life is back on track with each other, their family is enjoying the reunited family unit again, and life is good for them. Don't give up without first seeking MC. It is possible to get your sex life back with your wife, and she is willing to go to couple's counseling, so give it a try before filing those divorce papers. But in any case, cut it off with the OW, because no MC can succeed if you are continuing to see this person. And thank your lucky stars that your wife is actually willing to forgive you and try to work it out with you and has expressed an interest in counseling. Most men in your situation would have been tossed out after the wife found out about the affair.

[MissBee]

I am having an affair.

 

It started as perhaps a poor method to deal with my sexless marriage (and by sexless I mean ZERO sex going on year 5).

 

I thought perhaps if I had a sexual outlet I could remain in the marriage and stay a full time parent and continue to improve our finances.

 

Oh.....but it has proven itself no solution at all.

 

My wife has since discovered the affair. She was not terribly shocked, claims she understands why and doesn't fault me. She now thinks we can "fix" all out problems and find intimacy again. Unfortunately I question he motives. I think she wants to remain comfortable, enjoy my income, and not deal with change. I have also developed feelings for the OW and more importantly lost desire and feelings for my wife during this long period of no intimacy. We have not shared feelings, touched, kissed passionately for years and the love that is left is more of a sibling love than that of a marriage.

 

I don't know what to do.... Most of me wants to leave and find love elsewhere but fear cripples me from moving forward.

 

It's been months since my wife discovered the affair, we don't discuss it and it has not ended, we just continue to co-exist like amicable roommates.

 

What would you do?

 

I'd communicate....which is what was lacking. During the 5 years of no sex etc, there seems to have been no discussion between you two, just l;iving separate lives and going about your business, secretly resenting what was going on but no one voicing their TRUE feelings and concerns.

 

I think now is the time to lay it on the table.

 

I understand it is scary but I find being in limbo, just being stuck is far worst and I'd rather have a discussion, many discussions, go through counseling and face change versus stay stuck.

 

Tell your wife you want to go to marriage counseling and see if your marriage is salvageable. I think through that process you'll both be able to discuss the situation and truly see whether or not it is salvageable. You'll realize if she truly doesn't care and just wants life as she's known it or if she does care but is emotionally crippled. Only when you know what REALLY is ...will you find peace.

 

Change is always hard and scary...but you know what? We adjust. Life is all about changes. You may have to re-establish a new life and new sense of self, she may have to, you may be alone, she may have to...but the point is, you'll be just fine and you'll be able to move towards a fuller life. Life is too short to sit around as silent, amicable roommates, not voicing the truth because of fear.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

What would you do?

 

If I find myself in your situation (which realistically really could happen to any of us to one degree or another)

 

I hope I would have the wherewithall and the balls to find myself a competent counselor that I could sit down with and find out why I let myself accept such a meager existance. Why I let myself compromise all the things that I enjoy and admire about myself. Why I accepted a life without passion or intimacy or closeness with the one person that I was supposed to love and cherish forever. Why I allowed myself to be ignored and brushed off to the point I was desparate enough for love and compassion that I allowed myself to become an adulterer. Then I would seek counsel on how to take my life back and pursue my dreams and live again.

 

Then I would seek an attorney and financial advisor and seek counsel on how to claim and protect my resources and assets. I would seek counsel on how to protect my legal rights and how to protect and preserve my relationship with my daughter.

 

Those are the critical first steps I hope and pray I take if that day ever comes.

 

Whether you and your wife work things out and live happily ever after or get divorced and go on your separate ways is up to you two and how you decide to work things out.

 

All the things I mentioned are things I think you need to do regardless of how the marriage actually ends up.

[sad puppy]

If I find myself in your situation (which realistically really could happen to any of us to one degree or another)

 

I hope I would have the wherewithall and the balls to find myself a competent counselor that I could sit down with and find out why I let myself accept such a meager existance. Why I let myself compromise all the things that I enjoy and admire about myself. Why I accepted a life without passion or intimacy or closeness with the one person that I was supposed to love and cherish forever. Why I allowed myself to be ignored and brushed off to the point I was desparate enough for love and compassion that I allowed myself to become an adulterer. Then I would seek counsel on how to take my life back and pursue my dreams and live again.

 

Then I would seek an attorney and financial advisor and seek counsel on how to claim and protect my resources and assets. I would seek counsel on how to protect my legal rights and how to protect and preserve my relationship with my daughter.

 

Those are the critical first steps I hope and pray I take if that day ever comes.

 

Whether you and your wife work things out and live happily ever after or get divorced and go on your separate ways is up to you two and how you decide to work things out.

 

All the things I mentioned are things I think you need to do regardless of how the marriage actually ends up.

 

Here is the true question, this is where you will find personal growth ultimately. This is exactly what you need to find the answer to. You may have found worth in taking care of your family, paying the bills, being a father, a husband, ... However, the fact that you are having an affair is a huge red flag as to your happiness quotient and satisfaction within your marriage. That's all easy to figure out, "the perks". Now, drill into yourself and look within, why have you settled for this situation?

[Mr_Confused]

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful responses.

 

I'll try to field the most common questions.

 

Regarding our intimacy problems, we have long struggled with sex and intimacy. While we are going on 5 years absent of any sex, we struggled for many years prior to this. We have discussed it in great detail. I have explained on numerous instances how it is negatively impacting me and I am unable to live my life this way. Sex is a big issue as I am you basic active, athletic, and healthy male. A much BIGGER issue is simply not having a sense of being connected to someone in a romantic sense. It is really a terrible thing to love someone and not share such things. So, as time passes, my feelings have changed.

 

My affair was pretty calculated to the extent I was not swept of my feet in bliss. I recognized my options were to exist sexless OR forfeit half of our assets and full-time parental status and pursue a divorce. My mistake was thinking I could have a physical relationship outside my marriage and keep everything else whole and all wuld be ok. That has failed miserably and I do now have VERY strong feelings for my OW. I also recognize my affair is not the real world, so while I am optimistic about what we "could be" - I also know the grass isn't always greener and only time would tell. As such, I don't think I should evaluate my decision to leave or stay on anything beyond the quality of the marriage itself.

 

Regarding $, she has a successful career and earns a 6 figure income. I do make about 3x what she does. As a result she is accustomed to multiple homes, luxury cars, maids, lawn service, etc. etc. - basically a very comfortable and low stress lifestyle.

 

Upon discovery of the affair and discussing the possibility of divorce, $ was a concern that she raised all too quickly. She was concerned about what her standard of living would be if we went that path. This is why I question her motives in trying to "fix" our marriage. I saw no interest in fixing anything until she found out I was involved with someone else and her lifestyle was in jeopardy. Even if it is true, I don't desire her that was any longer. I do find myself confused and have the all too common sentiment of "I love her but I'm not in love with her". I thought if she discovered the affair - she might indicate it hurt tremendously that the man she loved was intimate with another woman, but that did not happen.

 

My reluctance to leave is fear. Fear of being wrong. Additionally it won't be cheap. While we are well off, it will change things dramatically. Our lives will change and our ability to save will be severely compromised. I worry for my daughter. How will she react? What will it mean to our relationship? I'm sure it looks straight forward from the outside, but it scares the hell out of me.

 

Again, thanks for all of the response, I really appreciate the variety of perspectives.

Edited November 13, 2011 by Mr_Confused

[Mircea]

Sounds like this woman is a typical materialista ... i've been with 2, but way way way way way way less maintenance than this.

 

First of all you need to understand that your girl is semigrown up. She is at an age where she can decide who she wants to live with.

Who spends more time with her, you or your wife ?

Also keep in mind, that from the perspective of a normal child, love>money.

 

As for saving, your maid probably has children (plural), and with what you pay her she keeps them happy and fed ... your income is probably enough to take care of your daughter, even with IVY league education.

 

There are some ppl out there who are completely asexual, but these ppl are few in numbers. It's like this, Heterosexual, Bisexual, Homosexual, Asexual.

Heterosexuals are in decent numbers (maybe most), Bisexuals are less but my guess is 2nd in numbers, followed by Homosexuals, and last ... Asexuals.

Asexuals don't find any gender attractive.

The chances of your wife being Asexual are ... slim.

 

My guess is she has a stallion on the side (or mare).

 

As it stands right now you have 2 options.

1 - divorce your wife, and remove her lifestyle. You will also lose money, but in the long run guess what ... you will save your daughter ... maybe. You and your wife's relationship is an example to your daughter of what she looks in life. Do you want her to behave like her mother, to sell herself for money (guess what this qualifies her as ... at least callgirls do it openly), or do you want to teach her that she should not be like this.

2 - get a post-nup in place ... but i doubt you can salvage anything. Sounds like you have 5yrs of checking out against you.

In fact having sex with her now, would feel more like raping her.

 

No matter what you choose, consult a lawyer, accountant, profesionals. If this woman is a materialista, chances are she knows the laws of the land as good as a high priced lawyer.

And for god's sake ... hire a PI. If she has an affair she probably has it while she is at work ... and you are lucky from that perspective (that she goes out of the house).

 

Also, if you want to understand your wife, look at her parents ... say something about them, describe them and their relationship.

 

PS: You haven't answered if your wife has many romance novels.

[Mr_Confused]

She does not read romance novels.

 

She really isn't materialistic to the extent she doesn't buy $300 pairs of shoes or have 20 handbags, etc. We both live below our means and save. We both come from dirt and have just both worked hard and been lucky along the way. I doubt she know what our worth is - it's almost the opposite where we spent our younger years constantly worrying about paying bills and now it's the luxury of not worrying we value most.

 

I suspected an affair, or more appropriately hoped she was, nothing else made sense. I checked cell phones, GPS'd her car, etc. but nothing. I mean NOTHING. If she is having an affair she is a master absent of any slip ups.

 

Now.....interesting you bring up her parents. They live like we do, they co-exist. I don't think I have ever seen them kiss, pat each others asses, give "that look", etc..

 

So, yeah, it sucks. I think leaving is best. I just have to be the "bad guy" - which will really impact our relationship with friends and my family.

 

I just don't know anything else to do. Years ago I would have done anything to find her again. Now I'm checked out and she wants to check back in. It just seems too little too late. It's hard because we don't fight, we don't argue, we have no abuse (substance, physical or verbal). We are basically friends and I do value her friendship - but I need more. I don't know fact from fiction with her, I just feel like the bad person in it all - face it - I had the affair, and ultimately if we divorce it will be me that initiates because she is content with everything this way. Every need of hers is met.

[Mircea]

She does not read romance novels.

 

She really isn't materialistic to the extent she doesn't buy $300 pairs of shoes or have 20 handbags, etc. We both live below our means and save. We both come from dirt and have just both worked hard and been lucky along the way. I doubt she know what our worth is - it's almost the opposite where we spent our younger years constantly worrying about paying bills and now it's the luxury of not worrying we value most.

 

I suspected an affair, or more appropriately hoped she was, nothing else made sense. I checked cell phones, GPS'd her car, etc. but nothing. I mean NOTHING. If she is having an affair she is a master absent of any slip ups.

 

Now.....interesting you bring up her parents. They live like we do, they co-exist. I don't think I have ever seen them kiss, pat each others asses, give "that look", etc..

 

So, yeah, it sucks. I think leaving is best. I just have to be the "bad guy" - which will really impact our relationship with friends and my family.

 

I just don't know anything else to do. Years ago I would have done anything to find her again. Now I'm checked out and she wants to check back in. It just seems too little too late. It's hard because we don't fight, we don't argue, we have no abuse (substance, physical or verbal). We are basically friends and I do value her friendship - but I need more. I don't know fact from fiction with her, I just feel like the bad person in it all - face it - I had the affair, and ultimately if we divorce it will be me that initiates because she is content with everything this way. Every need of hers is met.

 

I'd still do the PI thing.

Children learn from their parents.

She learned from hers, you learned from yours.

Your daughter will look for a man like you, and will have the same relationship, so you either need to fix this or leave this.

I have to say that when you started this post i was 99% on 'she has an affair, materialista, dump her'. Now ... i'm not so sure, i think you should give it a try and maybe make it work.

 

Are the 2 of you or your parents introverts ?

[Mr_Confused]

No, my parents are divorced. Their marriage was never great. They both are remarried and have been for over 20 years. I remember the pain of them splitting but not as much as I remember when they fell in love with their current spouses - I vividly recall thinking I had never seen them happier and it's hard to now imagine them ever being married.

 

Regarding her being in an affair or not. I really don't care any more. I came to a place where I just don't think it matters. If she is having sex with someone else or not doesn't matter to me. If she is in love with someone else or not doesn't matter. We aren't having sex with each other, we don't love each other they way we should. Someone else may have attracted her attention - or perhaps not - I only know it wasn't me and I really don't want it from her any more anyway.

[Mircea]

Introvert/extrovert/ambivert is a type of personality.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Introvert

I still think that you should try and make it work, especially because you cheated on her as of now ... though the way she reacted shows the ammount of emotional investment she has in you.

 

At least find out why she removed herself from your marriage, and after 5yrs ... what's a few more weeks of therapy ?

 

I would approach her and assuming she loves her daughter very much, ask her to go into IC and MC with you, to find the root of your problems as a couple, tell her that what is happening to her may happen as well to her beloved daughter just as her parents showing no affection to one another is affecting her marriage.

Even if the two of you don't end up together, you will still need to be in each other's lives for your daughter, and for your own futures, you need to know what has happened and why.

[bentnotbroken]

Introvert/extrovert/ambivert is a type of personality.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Introvert

I still think that you should try and make it work, especially because you cheated on her as of now ... though the way she reacted shows the ammount of emotional investment she has in you.

 

At least find out why she removed herself from your marriage, and after 5yrs ... what's a few more weeks of therapy ?

 

I would approach her and assuming she loves her daughter very much, ask her to go into IC and MC with you, to find the root of your problems as a couple, tell her that what is happening to her may happen as well to her beloved daughter just as her parents showing no affection to one another is affecting her marriage.

Even if the two of you don't end up together, you will still need to be in each other's lives for your daughter, and for your own futures, you need to know what has happened and why.

 

 

Or her beloved daughter could do what her dad did and cheat or she may decide both her parents are jacked up emotionally and go the complete opposite.....emotionally healthy with healthy coping mechanisms.

[Mircea]

I come from an introvert family and while nothing has happened in regards to cheating/breaking up, it did affect me big time. It affected my sister too.

 

Both of our self-esteems were badly affected. For the last yr i have been trying to change myself after a depression that lasted several yrs and for which i did not go to professional help because hey ... i'm a ****ing introvert.

 

That's the outcome that scares me the most if i were in the OP's shoes, but then again it comes from my own experiences that the OP doesn't have.

 

 

It's easy to say 'God will take care of it' but the fact is that you need to do what's best for your kid.

 

Stay/leave/whatever, the 2 of them are examples in the kid's life and i hope they look into counseling to at least find the root of the problems.

 

Laissez-faire doesn't work IRL, that's how we got into this economic situation.

[bentnotbroken]

I come from an introvert family and while nothing has happened in regards to cheating/breaking up, it did affect me big time. It affected my sister too.

 

Both of our self-esteems were badly affected. For the last yr i have been trying to change myself after a depression that lasted several yrs and for which i did not go to professional help because hey ... i'm a ****ing introvert.

 

That's the outcome that scares me the most if i were in the OP's shoes, but then again it comes from my own experiences that the OP doesn't have.

 

 

It's easy to say 'God will take care of it' but the fact is that you need to do what's best for your kid.

 

Stay/leave/whatever, the 2 of them are examples in the kid's life and i hope they look into counseling to at least find the root of the problems.

 

Laissez-faire doesn't work IRL, that's how we got into this economic situation.

 

 

I didn't suggest a wait and see attitude. I commented on your post of the mothers' love for her child and the possibility of the daughter continuing the cycle that she has seen the mother display. It is just as easy for her to display the cheating habits of the father as those of the non sexual/in affectionate mother. Or to decide both her parents are full of it and decided to follow neither of their examples of maturity....here's hoping.