jennymore Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Need your opinion...... Met up with exOM yesterday after 4 months of NC. Had a nice walk and chat. He told me he had been pretty sick in th past few months and thought NC was too harsh. After all we have been friends/lovers on& off 15 years. He has a girlfriend now but still wants to keep in touch with me and suggested we meet once a month as friends. Is this workable?
bentnotbroken Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Ask the new GF if she thinks it can work?
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Need your opinion...... Met up with exOM yesterday after 4 months of NC. Had a nice walk and chat. He told me he had been pretty sick in th past few months and thought NC was too harsh. After all we have been friends/lovers on& off 15 years. He has a girlfriend now but still wants to keep in touch with me and suggested we meet once a month as friends. Is this workable? What's the point of being friends with him, seeing or talking to him "once a month"? Please give that some thought. What good is that going to bring into YOUR life. Forget that he finds NC too harsh. Fact is, you two are NOT 'friends' anymore. It's a 'selfish' self serving friendship, one that does damage to you and keeps you "into" him. How on earth can you get over someone when they are still in your life? Even in LC mode. He isn't thinking of how hard it might be for you to keep in touch..He's only thinking of himself. Anyway, the choice is yours, but I'm suggesting you tell him goodbye. What is it that you want?
Author jennymore Posted November 13, 2011 Author Posted November 13, 2011 I want to have peace in my life. I had been living in guilt, lies and confusion during the affairs. So I ended it 4 months ago. Though it hurt like hell, I got peace again and at the same time, my marriage improved. You are right!I should forget about what exOM feels. I should focus on what I WANT and not contact / respond to him again. I need to be strong. Thank you for WAKING ME UP,
spice4life Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 I agree with the others, tell him to bring his gf along. If you still have feeings for him, no, it is not workable.
bentnotbroken Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 I agree with the others, tell him to bring his gf along. If you still have feeings for him, no, it is not workable. And she should bring her husband along, it might even improve that marriage she says she is working on.
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 I want to have peace in my life. I had been living in guilt, lies and confusion during the affairs. So I ended it 4 months ago. Though it hurt like hell, I got peace again and at the same time, my marriage improved. You are right!I should forget about what exOM feels. I should focus on what I WANT and not contact / respond to him again. I need to be strong. Thank you for WAKING ME UP, Okay, I see you're married too. ALL the more reason to end it and focus on reconnecting and loving your husband. And yes, of course your marriage improved. Why do you think that is? I know the answer to that, just making sure you do as well. Does your husband know about your on/off again affair/friendship for the past 15 years with the exOM? I'm sure your husband would completely not approve you and the exOM reconnecting again and to see/talk once a month. All you have to do is tell exOM that you no longer want him in your life, that you want to focus on your husband. No need to get into extensive details of the why's and how's. He knows why.
Emme Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 See this is where you have to step back now and look at this relationship for what it is. I tried to continue seeing my friend (over a decade as well) who was also my lover in LC. My plan was at least we would get together every 5 years. He wanted it to be every month and I knew we would be having sex every month, even though I ended it physically. Saying it is one thing, meaning it is another. The insulting thing within your post is the fact that he is not a married man. He has a girlfriend. He can easily end the relationship to be with you if that is your desire. If you are in love with him then you need to let him know. If you want more than the crumbs he’s offering let him know. If you have not been able to function in life without wanting him to be yours completely it will never work with LC. If he wants to know how you are doing it’s called a phone call once a year. On and off again friendship doesn’t mean you give of your time to please his ego so he can live the fairytale with his girlfriend. You are not a part of his fairytale at all, not even the wicked witch. If you seriously think that you are over him and that there is no love there that is why you want to remain friends, ask yourself are you truly over him. If you are then there is no need to maintain a friendship.
Emme Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Emme, she is mw, he is the om. Is your advice still the same? Seems to me the om is the one who will get the crumbs. Uh oh... Drama! Still yet I say she might have known him before her marriage. 15 years is a long time to know if you love someone. If she didn't love him she wouldn't be so invested. They are both giving each other crumbs. It's time to stop the BS if you guys want to be together get out of your marriage and if he wants to be with her end the relationship with girlfriend. No one here is innocent. Stop lying to yourselves and be honest about what you want out of life. You’re not getting any younger.
Author jennymore Posted November 13, 2011 Author Posted November 13, 2011 Thanks everyone for your opinion. Yes, he was my ex boyfriend before I got married and he is the kind of guy that enjoys being single so his relationships with women don't last long as he is unwilling to commit. I very much agree with Emme that I am not getting any younger and need to be honest with myself. The thing is, I become weak when he texts/emails me as I still feel for him, can someone tell me what to do?
Author jennymore Posted November 13, 2011 Author Posted November 13, 2011 Blocked him 4 months ago...but he used a different e-mail to reach me and I responded.....I am terribly weak I know......
anne1707 Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Well block him again. That's if you really want to end this and want to stop lying to your H. Edit - you could change your email address and phone number if you really wanted to stop him.
Emme Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 can someone tell me what to do? What you do is you get honest, with yourself and with him. You let him know you have loved him all these years and he has taken advantage of that love. Curse him the f*ck out for using you because he's a man that enjoys the playground. Let him know you are done being used by him so he can feel special about being a wanted man. Tell him to go f*ck himself and have a nice life without you in it. You are done loving him. It might seem hard but it's quite easy. Get honest Jenny. Stop the bullsh*t and say what you feel to him. If he still doesn't want you, draw the line in the sand and never cross it again.
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Blocked him 4 months ago...but he used a different e-mail to reach me and I responded.....I am terribly weak I know...... Then delete your email address and create a new one. You MUST be and NEED to be pro-active in making it impossible for him to reach you. If you feel you're weak, then maybe it's time for you to get counseling so you can get over him. He is NO prize. Hey, imagine your husband finding out the truth, you lose everything - Your husband, your house, your life as you know it.. All for what? Some x boyfriend who still makes your heart go thump-thump, and is a committment phobe? Are those few moments that you get a thrill from seeing or talking to him worth throwing EVERYTHING in your life away? Come on. Think about this seriously.. Maybe you need to see your husbands pain and devastation so you can change your ways. Some people need to go through HELL before learning to let go of an ex..They need to suffer a major consquence before waking up. Anyway, please consider therapy. You can't go on living like this, it's a lie. You have a husband who loves you, and here you are, wasting love and energy on a man who has a girlfriend and is a committment phobe. Do you and your H have children?
MissBee Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Need your opinion...... Met up with exOM yesterday after 4 months of NC. Had a nice walk and chat. He told me he had been pretty sick in th past few months and thought NC was too harsh. After all we have been friends/lovers on& off 15 years. He has a girlfriend now but still wants to keep in touch with me and suggested we meet once a month as friends. Is this workable? Only you can know... In my opinion, it's not though. I think if it were workable you wouldn't have to ask. It's only workable if you no longer desire him romantically. If you do however, then it may (read: will) end up being a disaster. Four months seems premature IMO to get over someone completely. It seems like you (as so many of us were/are) so glad that this person is back in contact with you after that dreaded period of NC, that you convince yourself (because you actually do want them around) that you're over it all and it's now "safe" to be friends. But usually....it's not true. I think when you've moved on....it's not a big deal for you and you can take the friendship or leave it. You don't plan it but you just naturally fall into a pattern where you speak every now and again and it doesn't have to be some planned meeting once a month...normal friendships rarely work in such a way. I don't think you're ready.
Author jennymore Posted November 13, 2011 Author Posted November 13, 2011 Yes, we have 2 children. What you said really strike my chord!
Author jennymore Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 You are cake eating jenny, you want both and that is not good for anyone. On the one hand you've got your hubby, your kids, your life and all that goes with that. On the other hand you've obviously got a bf who has issues. He sounds like a commitment phobe who has a gf and you. The whole thing is really f'd. You are the one who has the most to lose, your husband, your life as you know it. Ladygrey, thanks for your thoughts. In a certain way, you are right but I won't get into details. We are`sick' in a way--probably it's our personality development, our past experience....etc and the most important of all is that we all thought WE COULD CONTROL OURSELVES and had the power to get out from this relationship when we wanted to and say goodbye to each other easily-- since we both know it is not right. BUT it turned out to be devastating! If I had knew it, I would have hardened my heart in the 1st NC and not let it continue.
Ruby_shoes Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Jenny 15 years is a long time to pine for someone, the fact is people get over horrendous break ups and deaths of loved ones every day and so with that in mind after 15 years there is a part of you keeping that fantasy alive. What is it about him that draws you? Are you living a fairytale of star-crossed lovers who cannot be together because of circumstance, is it the secrecy? Someone who has used you as an option for so long is not a healthy person to be attached to, so there has to be something he is fulfilling and without the R being able to progress you can't explore that with him. My guess is as he is a commitment phobe you'd be happy for a while and one of you would end the R anyway. Either him getting cold feet or you being sick of his drama. What you need is to figure out what in you is reacting to him. Is it your need for attention, to feel sexy, drama even? There are a lot of people who crave drama but there are healthier ways to achieve this like travelling or doing something crazy with your H. It's a long road but you are in control of your situation. You have to choose which path you want to take. Good luck Jenny
Author jennymore Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 Rubyshoes, you really see through things. The affair started 4 years ago when there was a problem in my marriage. Before that it was EA. Actually, the exOM had moved to another country for 6 years and returned 4 years ago. I thought he was leaving for good, so it was a bit dramatic in this sense. I will take time to reflect on what in me is reacting to him, this is indeed a crucial factor if I want to change the old pattern. Thank you for all of your advice and thoughts. They are really helpful!
Owl Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Ladygrey, thanks for your thoughts. In a certain way, you are right but I won't get into details. We are`sick' in a way--probably it's our personality development, our past experience....etc and the most important of all is that we all thought WE COULD CONTROL OURSELVES and had the power to get out from this relationship when we wanted to and say goodbye to each other easily-- since we both know it is not right. BUT it turned out to be devastating! If I had knew it, I would have hardened my heart in the 1st NC and not let it continue. Here is my suggestion as a formerly betrayed husband. Given that you know that you're weak...and that you're wanting to improve your marriage... Tell your H the truth of all that has gone on. Give him the chance to make the same choices you've made...to work on your marriage, or not...in light of ALL of the pertinent information that he needs to know to make an informed decision. If he chooses to forgive you and rebuild the marriage...you can bet that he will ASSIST you in remaining strong and remain vigilant in preventing further contact between you and your OM ever again. If he chooses to let you go as a result...you're now free to pursue whatever relationship you choose. Being honest frees everyone up to make informed decisions. Lying (by omission) to your H keeps him as a hostage, as a prisoner in your life. If you want change...this is how you get the strength to make change.
Author jennymore Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 Hi, Owl I used to think being honest will devastate our spouse......Now I think differently after reading your advice. It surely will give me strength and save me from slipping. Thank you!
Ruby_shoes Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 Owl is right. Being honest will devastate the spouses but it is the first step to healing. It's a huge burden lifted to begin with and for your H it is the chance to save the M or not depending on what he wants to do. You are giving him his choices. It can allow a better R. There will be a lot of work to do and MC helps, it's been a long story for you but change is possible if you want it
Severely Unamused Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 I used to think being honest will devastate our spouse My perspective when it comes down to honesty is quite simple: Do you want your spouse to know the real you? Or do you want your spouse to believe in the illusion of you that they have created in their head? Because if cheating is a deal breaker to your spouse and you decide not to tell them about it, than all they have is the illusion of your fidelity. We seem to live in a world that encourages these types of illusions, don't we?
MissBee Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 My perspective when it comes down to honesty is quite simple: Do you want your spouse to know the real you? Or do you want your spouse to believe in the illusion of you that they have created in their head? Because if cheating is a deal breaker to your spouse and you decide not to tell them about it, than all they have is the illusion of your fidelity. We seem to live in a world that encourages these types of illusions, don't we? This is so very true!
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