Author eerie_reverie Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 Are you definitely in love with him? If by love you mean: -want to bang 24/7 -can't stop touching -want to grow old with -want his babies -am 100% mentally committed to then yes, I'd say I am. Love to me is chemical as well as implying a long-term commitment and I'm there on both counts. ILY is just a set of three words. ILY with no actions to back that sentence up is meaningless. ILY is best done when the actions are in agreement with the words. ILY means nothing when said during the good times. ILY, carries more weight when going trough a bad patch. ILY al so means you do nice things for your partner even if you don't feel it. ILY is more than a feeling. ILY is also an active verb. Thanks Pierre. You know, normally I think your viewpoint on relationships is a tad extreme and formula-istic but I actually agree with you 100% with the above. And I definitely feel loved by my bf, even if he hasn't said those 3 words yet. You asked if 6 months is enough time for anyone to say ILY and the answer is NO. I have been dating a guy for 6 months and that is the honeymoon period where everyone is on their best behavior and everything is GREAT! It doesn't get real until around the 6 month mark (IMO). And saying ILY is more than a feeling by itself...it also implies a sense of long term commitment and ever after (again, IMO). Though it's certainly something I feel at this point in my relationship with the guy I have been seeing for 6 months, I haven't said it. He hasn't either. He started a conversation the other night that sounded like it was heading in that direction and I told him I can't say that yet because of where I am with a new career and I want to feel like I'm on stable and equal footing and knowing it is long term and not just a feeling. He replied, "That makes sense" and we left it at that. I've heard ILY when it didn't mean as much as it is going to mean when/if I hear it from him! Sometimes it's worth that wait. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. Thanks! I know I am pleased with this response partly because it is what I want to hear, but it's reassuring to know not everyone operates on the same timeline.
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 But what if hes thinking the same way you are? What if hes waiting for you to say it first? You gonna torpedo this relationship because you dont want to communicate? Eddie, the issue with the above is that I have been the instigator/ communicator all along. I asked him out (after a year of friendship), I brought up sex etc. He has to do SOMETHING first. But don't worry, I'm not considering breaking up over this. What we have is too good to let go because of my pride, I would definitely have a chat with him first even if it is the last resort. For now though, I think I'm just gonna give it more time.
mtber75 Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 The prospect of saying it first really terrifies me. TBH I don't think he feels it yet. I think if he felt it he would have told me already. Does that mean it's time to leave? Is 6 months long enough for everyone to figure it out? I'm not saying he has no feelings at all, but I think I have somehow managed to get myself more invested than he is. I never thought this day would come. On the other hand, is it possible that guys are more likely to say it only when they really fear loss? Thinking back, in most of my relationships where he said it first (all but the 1st), ILY came after a big fight or the breakup. For some people words are not as important as action! The fact that he's with you all the time does suggest that he loves you. He just can't verbally say it...Its just how he was raised. Or he just might be REALLY SHY? If communication is high priority for you and he's not a verbal type...Its kinda of a mismatch?
Ruby Slippers Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 I think you need to chill. If you feel you are more invested than he is, pull back a little. Every relationship has a natural counterbalance of energy. If you're coming at him all the time, he's going to be more receptive and passive. If you're not, he's most likely gonna step up and come after you some. This works with people, animals, just about everything. Chill a little, do more of your own thing, and see how it develops. I think it will be a positive change.
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 I think you need to chill. If you feel you are more invested than he is, pull back a little. Every relationship has a natural counterbalance of energy. If you're coming at him all the time, he's going to be more receptive and passive. If you're not, he's most likely gonna step up and come after you some. This works with people, animals, just about everything. Chill a little, do more of your own thing, and see how it develops. I think it will be a positive change. After much thought, I think I'm ok with the status quo. We've fallen into a pattern where we hang out most nights and weekends. I'm not coming after him to make this happen - he usually does the reaching out. I don't really feel like fcvking with that if it makes both of us happy just because he isn't there yet emotionally. He's not the kind of guy that games like that would work on - on the contrary I'm willing to bet he doesn't love me because he doesn't feel safe enough yet.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 After much thought, I think I'm ok with the status quo. We've fallen into a pattern where we hang out most nights and weekends. I'm not coming after him to make this happen - he usually does the reaching out. I don't really feel like fcvking with that if it makes both of us happy just because he isn't there yet emotionally. He's not the kind of guy that games like that would work on - on the contrary I'm willing to bet he doesn't love me because he doesn't feel safe enough yet. I am very happy to hear this! A really wise idea in relationships: when you are feeling anxious / insecure / annoyed / etc., WAIT a little while before acting upon the feelings. Yes, if you have a feeling of not being fulfilled or satisfied settling in on you because of this, ultimately you may need to bring it out for discussion. I am NOT advocating "stuffing" your feelings or issues that are important to you to avoid rocking the boat. But often, a period of time and space around such things is just what you need to understand how to go forward.
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 15, 2011 Author Posted November 15, 2011 How often do you f...cuk spookie? Lol, that would be so creepy if a guy in real life asked that. But tthis being you on the Internet: usually every night, a couple times a day on the weekends
Els Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 I'm willing to bet he doesn't love me because he doesn't feel safe enough yet. Why are you thinking that? Is it just the fact that he's never said it, or do his other actions show a similar concept as well? I don't know, I personally find words overrated. Many a suave guy might come to you and tell you he loves you, would give the moon for you, etc etc, only to jet at the first sign of trouble. I don't personally believe that words are an indicator of love, so much as actions. If he goes far out of his way to make you happy, sticks with you through thick and thin, wants to spend time with you, all the things you would not do for someone unless you love them... Do you feel that the lack of saying it, negates all that?
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 Why are you thinking that? Is it just the fact that he's never said it, or do his other actions show a similar concept as well? I don't know, I personally find words overrated. Many a suave guy might come to you and tell you he loves you, would give the moon for you, etc etc, only to jet at the first sign of trouble. I don't personally believe that words are an indicator of love, so much as actions. If he goes far out of his way to make you happy, sticks with you through thick and thin, wants to spend time with you, all the things you would not do for someone unless you love them... Do you feel that the lack of saying it, negates all that? No, of course I don't think the lack of saying it negates everything else. But I also feeling like telling someone you love them for the first time is a stepping stone in the relationship, and his reluctance to make that move does say something. For now tho, I am ok with whatever that is.
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 ILY is over-rated. I hear ILY 5 times per day and they are just words. I am envious about all the sex your having
melodymatters Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 One cute thing you could do ( which I've done) is write " Love you !" in lipstick on his bathroom mirror ! Do this when you will not be around when he see's it and then measure his reaction to it ! (Note: the marrying kind find this adorable, so if he has ANY reaction besides the "that is so sweet/cute/love you too" variety, rethink....)
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 16, 2011 Author Posted November 16, 2011 One cute thing you could do ( which I've done) is write " Love you !" in lipstick on his bathroom mirror ! Do this when you will not be around when he see's it and then measure his reaction to it ! (Note: the marrying kind find this adorable, so if he has ANY reaction besides the "that is so sweet/cute/love you too" variety, rethink....) Lol. Cute tip but that is so far from my style. For one thing, I dont wear lipstick. For another, his bathroom is gross. Weve got piles and piles of dirty clothes on the floor and the bathtub doesn't drain. I think we should clean before decorating the mirror.
azsinglegal Posted November 16, 2011 Posted November 16, 2011 My current beau made it clear to me at the beginning that he's not a vocal guy. He doesn't talk about his feelings. It's been the cause of every one of his break ups. He also told me that he prefers to show someone how he feels. That being said. It's been over 7 months and I do love him. I want to tell him but I fear he'll slink away. I wish he would tell me more of how he felt, but he's told me a lot about his rough childhood and that his family isn't that way. On the other hand, he's shown me all the time that he cares about me. He does all sorts of little things (and big things) for me that indicate he DOES love me even if he cant' say it. I used to always be a big fan of being told ILY but when they're actions spoke something different, I let it slide. This is my first experience with someone showing me they love me, without saying it. As much as I like hearing it - I like it being shown better. Sounds like you have someone similar. So you can accept how he is, or move on if it's not what you need.
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