Eeyore79 Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 A few years ago I was in a similar situation. I dated a guy for six months and he still didn't say the L word - when I raised the subject, he said he'd feel scared if I was in love with him. So I broke off the relationship, and explained that I was ending it because he didn't love me. He was sad, but he didn't suddenly start professing his love or anything - he just accepted that I had a valid reason for ending the relationship, which I guess means that he didn't love me. I moved on and dated someone else, who was more emotionally available and told me he loved me after three months of dating. I guess the moral of the story is that if you want love and someone isn't offering it, it's up to you to move on to someone who does.
Pierre Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 I am starting to need to hear that he loves me. Is there anything I can do? I don't want to say it first because: -I asked him out -I initiated the sex I need him to take the lead on this one... but it's been 6 months and I don't think I'm gonna hear it anytime soon. I'm starting to feel insecure. I would say that asking him out and initiating sex is a 1000 times harder than saying ILY. Why do some people have a hang up about saying ILY? I think it is insecurity. Whether you say ILY or not will not change how he feels about you. Are you in a GF/BF relationship?
Eddie Edirol Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 (edited) Woggle, Like you I have my own issues, but I try to work through them. Our relationship has been great and my feelings have been strong and steady for a couple of months. If you have issue, and youve been hot and cold with him, then he knows what hes doing. Hes probably waiting for you to become stable. You might as well say it first so you know where you stand, I dont think he will say it now just because youve been steady for a couple months. I seem to recall you trying to shyt test your bf by trying to see if he will come see you without telling him that you need support because of your dad, thats not a good habit. Just in the end of September you felt like this: 1. I don't miss him when we're apart 2. I would rather do things on my own than together 3. I often view hanging out as an obligation 4. I am not particularly turned on by him 5. I'm not excited at the prospect of any kind of future I've been doing some additional thinking and have come up with two qualities in my bf that are giving me doubts: He is shy Hes not athletic enough I'm scared there is someone better out there for me, that I can do "better", that I'm not attracted enough to him to sustain this for the long haul, that I will lose my freedom, and that I won't love him completely (as I loved my ex). Plus all this? Youre so wishy washy, you havent been steady about him long enough, why would he want to say "I love you" first to this? Edited November 13, 2011 by Eddie Edirol
bittersweet memories Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 I'm not lacking for attention from him - he actively includes me in every part of his life, all the time. He just sucks at being verbal about his feelings/ intentions, and I want to HEAR that he loves me. Maybe he's not in love with you... You should ask him? He probably does care for you and enjoys your company.
dasein Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 Disagree that there is any "fault" here on either side. People have normal doubts during relationships and can't possibly type out all the good things they feel, nor would they post all those things here. If it seems things are going well other than no ILY, I take OP's word for that. Normal to want to hear it. Keep moving forward with an eye as to what you are gettting from the R and what he is getting without keeping score, if things are good generally, the ILY will come in time.
melodymatters Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 I would just say it when I was really feeling it. One guy waited a week and then said " you know, I love you too, but I take it really seriously so I wanted to be sure before I said it because I'm never taking it back" ( married him, he died) Current H, I said it first when I was feeling it and he said " I love you too, I decided last night" ( currently married ) So..... do what feels right for Spookie....personally I'd go nuts if we were that tight for 6 months and no ILY !
camper15935 Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 I can only speak for myself. If someone was trying to make me say or do something. And i feel like im forced to or expect to. Even if feel it or even wanted to that makes me not want to. yea yea I know kind of childish and stubborn.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 I think it sounds like you have picked a guy who is not likely to take the initiative in "relationship" zones, and you have reinforced this by making the first move already, more than once. That's not a criticism. But he may be in a fine comfort zone just waiting for however long for you to take the lead, as you have in the past. I do have to back Woggle up, though, on his mention of you recently starting a thread about being very much "checked out" of this relationship, on many levels (not just losing attraction). Your posts about it did not express your issues that you need to work through. They expressed dissatisfaction with the relationship. I hope that you and your boyfriend have talked about all of those things and that you are, now, enjoying being with him rather than feeling obligated and resentful about it. But my point is: Do you think that that overriding feeling of being unhappy with the relationship is in any way hindering him from opening up 100%? Telling someone you love them is a pretty vulnerable thing to do. If you don't think that stuff has anything to do with it, my advice is to tell him you love him IF YOU REALLY TRULY LOVE HIM, FOR SURE. I would not hold out for him saying it first, given the dynamic of your relationship so far.
stillafool Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 (edited) Well, by all means, believe whatever you like, but most guys don't beat about the bush on this subject. After all, most women have had at least one guy who pursued them, a guy they didnt' want. The guy who sends you flowers in the office, the guy who sends you text messages at work, that sort of thing. Those are the guys who love you. The guys who just take free sex when it's offered, the guy who accepts your offer to go on a date when he's got nothing else on? Maybe not so much. As I said before, I have accepted dates with women I wasn't interested in, just for the sake of having a good time. I knew I was never going to "love" these women or commit to a serious relationship, but that didn't stop me going out and having fun. So you're options here seem to be either just enjoy what you have and make the best of it, or torture yourself over three words he hasn't said yet. I had a boyfriend once who sent flowers to my job, threw me an expensive surprise b-day party, took me to all kinds of plays, concerts, tirps, introduced me to his family and friends and in 2 years never said ILY. Is this guy a Virgo? Edited November 13, 2011 by stillafool
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 I would just say it first. I told my bf that I loved him after nearly 4 months. He said it back immediately and keeps saying it ever since (at least every day nowadays so I don't think it's forced).
carhill Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 OP, if you've never directly heard him say ILY to anyone, you're an equal to whomever those people, even ostensible 'loved ones', are. If other, describe the people and circumstances and perhaps further insight can be found. If hearing ILY is important to you, it is. It's part of your relationship style. Does he introduce you as his girlfriend, as in 'xxx, this is eerie_reverie, my girlfriend'? IMO, drawing from the , the true mettle of a man (singling out the topical person here) is defined not by how he performs what is easy but rather by how he performs what is hard. Life is full of challenges. He has choices.
johan Posted November 13, 2011 Posted November 13, 2011 It's better to be clear about what you want. What if he literally said, "I-L-Y"? I assume that wouldn't be as satisfying. In fact, Spookie can't even bring herself to say it outright here on LS. Hence the acronym. Interesting...
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 I would just say it when I was really feeling it. One guy waited a week and then said " you know, I love you too, but I take it really seriously so I wanted to be sure before I said it because I'm never taking it back" ( married him, he died) Current H, I said it first when I was feeling it and he said " I love you too, I decided last night" ( currently married ) So..... do what feels right for Spookie....personally I'd go nuts if we were that tight for 6 months and no ILY ! So happy to hear you are married again MM! Congrats!
carhill Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 I don't understand this logic applied to this situation. The fact that he's holding back suggests that he doesn't consider ILY an easy thing to say. For some people it may be a casual expression, but obviously that's either not the case for him or he simply doesn't feel it. She never answered my question about whether he says it to others or not. The logic of how psychology works in such matters is very applicable, for a man. That's where my perspective is coming from, as a man. He's a man. We see things and handle life differently than women do.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Yet another reason why I never ask men out. I don't like torturing myself wondering if he really likes me or is waiting for someone better to come along. I've never had to say "I love you" first to a man. Same here. If you've led all the relationship steps up, you're probably going to have to keep doing that. He's been passive in this regard the whole time you've known him -- yet you expect him to change now?
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 I'm sorry I haven't replied to each of you individually yet, but I drowned my iPhone a couple of days ago and haven't had much access to a computer except for at work. Seems like the replies have been falling into a couple different groups: 1. You have led the relationship to this point, and can therefore expect to keep leading It's true that I have been the aggressor, but, he has happily gone along with everything up to this point. I asked him out on the first date, but he pursued me after that. He didn't want us to sleep together too soon, but after he became comfortable with the idea, he became the aggressor. Additionally, he has initiated smaller steps in moving the relationship forward, such as by introducing me to his family and making space in his apartment for my stuff. 6 months in, I don't think our pattern of my taking the lead is so engrained that I can't change it. However, I might need to exercise some patience if it's important to me. 2. He hasn't said it because he's picking up on my doubts To an extent, I think everyone has doubts does in a new relationship, but I think mine are a different animal. They are truly my issues. They arise when I don't see him, and have less to do with him or us, than my brain being wired (after many years) of pining after my ex and rejecting the possibility of a love outside him (my ex) coming back for me. My doubts surface in a predictable pattern: 1. BF goes out of town for business; our contact is limited 2. I have one of my recurring dreams about the ex 3. Triggered by the dream, nostalgic feelings for my ex come back 4. I begin to question my ability to love anyone else, look for flaws in my bf/ the relationship, and post about it on LS FYI, my ex and I broke up 5 years ago, and we aren't in contact these days. He lives in a different state. This is not somebody who is a feasible option. There is a possibility my bf has picked up on some of these doubts, but I think it's more likely thast he has no clue about this side of me. After years of practice, I am good at keeping my craziness on the down-low. I would also like to say that 99% of the time, I am 100% invested to the point where I feel comfortable saying "I love you". The 1% "doubt" has come out a handful of times, less frequently the better I get to know my BF. 3. He hasn't said it because he doesn't feel it This is, of course, what I fear. On the one hand, the way he treats me is indicative of love. For example, he is affectionate (inside and outside of the bedroom), he involves me in all parts of his life (introducing me to his family and friends as his gf), he is considerate (picking up food for me when he goes out and I stay home). To answer your question, carhill, I have never heard him say ILY to anyone else, but I have heard him refer to his family members as "loved ones". On the other hand, he is great with words and a good communicator, and he has hinted at being in love in the past, so if he felt it, woudln't he have said it? We were watching a show the other day, and I asked why a certain character denied a proposal. He said, "because she didn't love him," which shows that he is aware of the distinction between being together and being in love. That said, seems like my options are: 1. Say it first (keeping with pattern of taking the lead) 2. Wait 3. Question him (my last choice; don't want what shoudl be a joyful progression tainted with stress/ negative feelings) I am leaning towards #2, but there is a limit as to how long I can wait. I don't want to be one of those dumb women who stay in dead-end relationships because they are too scared to face the truth. I also don't want my self-esteem to suffer as a result of giving everything to someone who in the end doesn't value me.
blueskyday Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 (edited) I think you broke it down rather logically. Your last point is really the crux of it: should you question him, and ask him directly if he loves you? I say No to that. Because if you do and he says ILY, then you will wonder if he is only saying it because you asked. You really do want it unprompted. I might ask him how he feels about you. Do this in a light hearted way when you two are in a happy mood. Smile and ask him. Or you can simply say ILY to him and see how he responds. I would only do this if you are getting many signals he cares deeply or is in fact in love with you. I would say after six months, you are fairly sure he cares deeply! It would drive me crazy not to hear an ILY by six months, too! I would simply need to hear it before my heart ran any farther away from me. You've got nothing to lose, and time to waste. I'm not one of those women who would wait patiently for a year for a guy to say it. Either things progress, or they don't...and it sounds like you are at a very normal point in time for things to progress a bit.... If a guy doesn't love you by a certain time (for me it would be around six months in a intimate close relationship), then he might not be in love. If he is in love, but can't say it, then that's a problem. He may be emotionally unavailable. Either way is a deal breaker. Figure out your time frame and your needs. If you need to hear it to feel safe and happy, then that's ok. His need to NOT say it doesn't trump your security and happiness. Simply frame any concerns with an "I" statement. I had a friend who said to her boyfriend, "I need to hear an ILY to continue on with you. I love you, and I want to be in a reciprocal relationship. I want us on the same page, and I want you to be honest. It's ok, however you feel." Edited November 14, 2011 by blueskyday
Ruby Slippers Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 If I were in your situation, I would go ahead and say it. Like I said, I wouldn't be in your situation, because I would not want to initiate to the degree you have and be the driver in the relationship -- but if I had been so far, I would not expect that to change, so I'd say it. Then he can say or not say whatever he wants. He will probably say I love you back. But if he doesn't, maybe he'll say it within a few weeks. I suggest giving him time to say it when he feels the moment is right. But if he doesn't say it at all, then you have all the info you need, and you can decide what to do from there.
mtber75 Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 I'm not lacking for attention from him - he actively includes me in every part of his life, all the time. He just sucks at being verbal about his feelings/ intentions, and I want to HEAR that he loves me. Well he's not a verbal guy so he's certainly not going to discuss he's feelings? So why are you with the guy than?
Author eerie_reverie Posted November 14, 2011 Author Posted November 14, 2011 The prospect of saying it first really terrifies me. TBH I don't think he feels it yet. I think if he felt it he would have told me already. Does that mean it's time to leave? Is 6 months long enough for everyone to figure it out? I'm not saying he has no feelings at all, but I think I have somehow managed to get myself more invested than he is. I never thought this day would come. On the other hand, is it possible that guys are more likely to say it only when they really fear loss? Thinking back, in most of my relationships where he said it first (all but the 1st), ILY came after a big fight or the breakup.
SingleinSouth Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 (edited) You asked if 6 months is enough time for anyone to say ILY and the answer is NO. I have been dating a guy for 6 months and that is the honeymoon period where everyone is on their best behavior and everything is GREAT! It doesn't get real until around the 6 month mark (IMO). And saying ILY is more than a feeling by itself...it also implies a sense of long term commitment and ever after (again, IMO). Though it's certainly something I feel at this point in my relationship with the guy I have been seeing for 6 months, I haven't said it. He hasn't either. He started a conversation the other night that sounded like it was heading in that direction and I told him I can't say that yet because of where I am with a new career and I want to feel like I'm on stable and equal footing and knowing it is long term and not just a feeling. He replied, "That makes sense" and we left it at that. I've heard ILY when it didn't mean as much as it is going to mean when/if I hear it from him! Sometimes it's worth that wait. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. Edited November 14, 2011 by SingleinSouth speling errer
wuggle Posted November 14, 2011 Posted November 14, 2011 Most guys (myself included) are pretty rubbish at the verbal stuff. Society doesn't encourage us to verbalise our feelings as it still isn't considered 'macho'. We tend to 'show' that we love someone by the things we do, rather than say it. If you wait, you'll probably wait forever. My advice, ask him "so do you love me yet or not ?" in a humourous way, leave it a couple of days and if he doesn't answer in some way, say "well I presume that's a yes then". We really are pretty insecure when it comes to the word stuff.
Pierre Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 ILY is just a set of three words. ILY with no actions to back that sentence up is meaningless. ILY is best done when the actions are in agreement with the words. ILY means nothing when said during the good times. ILY, carries more weight when going trough a bad patch. ILY al so means you do nice things for your partner even if you don't feel it. ILY is more than a feeling. ILY is also an active verb.
Eddie Edirol Posted November 15, 2011 Posted November 15, 2011 The prospect of saying it first really terrifies me. TBH I don't think he feels it yet. I think if he felt it he would have told me already. . But what if hes thinking the same way you are? What if hes waiting for you to say it first? You gonna torpedo this relationship because you dont want to communicate?
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